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Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
BeekyChitch · 21/01/2019 10:29

Well..... my friend (bride) announced to us that she wanted to go away abroad for her hen because her DH2B was being taken away by his friends. We said ok sure, calculated the costs and discussed it. She then messaged the group chat and she said "oh I thought you would all be paying for me
To go because DH2Bs friends are paying for him". Yes - Cheeky Fr!!! Anyway, I told her that yes I would chip in to pay her bit but I would not buy her a wedding gift. I wasn't a bridesmaid and neither was half the hens there. It should be split between everyone going so make sure that happens. Don't get sucked into paying out of guilt!

frazzledasarock · 21/01/2019 10:31

Hahaha I find it hilarious the posters who think the OP should fork out for a holiday for a friend who fancies an extravagant hen-do she can’t afford (hence the browbeating into attending, so she gets OP to pay for her) instead of saving for a house.

You won’t have a roof over your head but don’t let that upset you, you wasted your money on a paying for a holiday you didn’t want to go on with people who don’t really care about the effects on you.

Bow out, ffs bow out now. Say you’re on a budget and you can’t afford this hen do, and hope they have a nice time.

ShatnersWig · 21/01/2019 10:31

@Riddle you say This is a good friend, right? It really comes down to how much you value time with her to celebrate her wedding

This isn't about celebrating her wedding. The wedding is one day. When did it become mandatory to have to celebrate a hen holiday and spend even more money? Weddings can often be expensive enough and that's fine but expecting people to pay several hundred pounds on top of the actual wedding is rude and grabby. My fucking money, I'll spend it how I like.

BeekyChitch · 21/01/2019 10:32

Should also mention whilst we were away (in a lovely hot country) she shouted " why is everyone calling this a holiday, it's not!!! It's my hen do!!" Envy

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 10:32

I’m a bit bitter about the whole thing to be honest because this year and last me and my husband have spent well over a grand and half to attend weddings. They’ve taken up our entire holiday budget for this year and pretty much all our annual leave.

I really like weddings and hen dos but it’s actually ridiculous the entitlement some people feel.

DippyAvocado · 21/01/2019 10:33

Wouldn't you be pleased if your hen do was planned and all paid for?

No, I'd be mortified that people were out of pocket for an event that was all about me.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 21/01/2019 10:34

I’m a 2019 bride and would be MORTIFIED if anyone ‘announced’ to friends of mine that they would be paying for me!

I’m funding my hen party for everyone (not a trip away) but I’ll be paying about £50 per head!
Mainly because DP and I earn six figures whilst several of my friends are single parents/students.

Same reason I’m buying EVERYTHING my bridesmaids need (including strapless bras) in my book it’s rude to inflict costs for ‘your’ party onto anyone else!

If they chose to give a gift - awesome

But they shouldn’t have to pay £300 to spend 3 days in a foreign country completely cantered around YOU 😂

‘It’s just like going on a group holiday though’ - no it’s not! The whole trip, by nature, is about the bride!

thecatsthecats · 21/01/2019 10:35

For anything in the UK - yes.

I didn't pay a penny towards my own do (though I did provide my house so nobody paid for accommodation).

For abroad (one abortive plan that caved, one planned) - absolutely not.
For any 'second' hen do (i.e. after a weekend away with best friends, one involving everyone) - absolutely not.

VenusClapTrap · 21/01/2019 10:36

Wouldn't you be pleased if your hen do was planned and all paid for?

No. I’d be embarrassed, and cross with the person who’d organised it.

GabriellaMontez · 21/01/2019 10:37

It's not the norm in my experience..never been asked to do this.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 21/01/2019 10:47

For a meal in a local restaurant, I'd be happy to chip in and share the cost of the bride's share. For a three-day trip abroad, no way

I wonder, could you have a quiet word with the bride to say that you had budgeted for the weekend away, but you can't afford to contribute to her share too, so you're wondering whether to pull out, in case they want to invite someone else. It would be interesting to see how she responds

Just because you CAN afford to do something, doesn't mean it's reasonable to do so. It's about what you're comfortable spending, not just how much you have in the bank

Juells · 21/01/2019 10:54

Don't go, and don't be guilted into contributing either. When you're sitting in your own house you won't be mourning the fact you didn't go on a holiday you couldn't afford and wouldn't enjoy.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 21/01/2019 10:57

Standard really.

popcornwizard · 21/01/2019 11:00

If you makes you feel better, i was billed for a portion of the brides costs and i wasn't even bloody going!! Not sure exactly which of the three 'hen celebrations' the bill was for ...

Lookingforadvice123 · 21/01/2019 11:02

This was news to me too when paying for a university friend's hen back in 2016/17! I organised a friend's hen in 2013 and my own was in 2014, and we paid our own share.

It is a thing though, sorry. I think most hens I've been on since that first one that came as a surprise, the bride's cost has been split. £50 does seem a lot though, I think luckily for me it's only been an extra £15-20 or so...

Lookingforadvice123 · 21/01/2019 11:03

And yes the cost was usually split between all hens, hence why it wasn't loads more. I think that's fairer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2019 11:04

Just cancel, this is ridiculous. So much navel gazing these days.

CatG85 · 21/01/2019 11:05

I didn't pay anything on my hen and when I organised my nieces I ensured she didn't pay for anything either (other than a couple of drinks on the night I think) but they were just a one day thing or a night out not a holiday abroad. I made it clear to my MOH & bridesmaids that I didn't want anything too expensive for people as i'd rather all my friends there on a one night out thing than less people away for a weekend. I've put in for hens weekends away before too but its been a max of £20 as it's been a cheap weekend away in the uk somewhere, this is a different kettle of fish.

I think it should have all been explained from the start on what was happening. If you still want to go but can't afford the brides share be upfront. You shouldn't not go because of it. Be honest and explain about buying a house etc but that you'll buy her a couple of drinks on the hen or a couple of bottles of prosecco for the room or something as your contribution. Don't be pressured in to it.

Bloomcounty · 21/01/2019 11:07

I personally would not pay for an extravagant trip overseas. I know lots of people would, but we all have our own priorities, financially and otherwise, and if you can't make it work for you, don't try. Simplest to say that you simply can't afford it so you'll have to opt out, hope they all have a wonderful time and ask the bride if you can take her out for a meal, just the two of you, instead.

newbiegreenfingers · 21/01/2019 11:07

This happened to me and I said I couldn't afford to pay for myself and the bride, and I wasn't the only one. It wasn't a problem and I had a lovely time. If they are making you pay then don't go!

thecatsthecats · 21/01/2019 11:08

I can't get on board with the idea of being 'mortified' that other people spend money on your occasions. Hen parties have, for the most part, been reasons for the whole gang to get together and do something a bit fun.

I would be mortified if the events were emotionally driven, twee, sentimental affairs based around me (what's your favourite memory, best thing about the bride etc).

Mine was £100, it covered all drinks, taxis, club entry, an activity, a 3 course dinner out, and decorations/a bucketload of drink to have at home. No sickly games either.

I've paid out similar for several hens, then on the other hand, paid out £250 and still had to pay travel, food etc on top.

ZanyMobster · 21/01/2019 11:09

Personally for a trip abroad I don't think everyone should split the bride's cost, if the bride wants a trip abroad that is their choice. Possibly a meal out or a day out somewhere maybe but that's about it but definitely not obligatory. I think its bloody cheeky actually.

Trouble is that quite often there are a lot of people who don't attend weekends abroad for hen dos so there are generally not many people to split it between. I went on one, there were only 6 of us including the bride's family as no one else could afford it, and the MoH wanted to split it but it was another £70 each so I did say no.

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 11:13

I can't get on board with the idea of being 'mortified' that other people spend money on your occasions.

But it’s not about people being mortified that they had to spend money, it’s being mortified that they are basically paying for a holiday for you. A holiday that they probably would never have chosen to go on.

Paying for a night out and an activity is one thing, expecting people to pick up the bill for a weekend away is another.

Also it’s not often hen nights are the gang getting together. I’ve been on a few like that but unless it’s a really good friend or sister most of the time it’s a bunch of people who you don’t really know that well.

WeeDoughball · 21/01/2019 11:15

We've generally covered the bride for meal or activity but not a trip away (to be fair any trips have been reasonably local and cheap).

I was first of the group to get married 7 years ago and mine was a day/night in our city. DM and DMIL paid for everyone's cocktail class which included drinks and paid for food later so the hens just had to buy their drinks later. So cheaper than a regular night out and they didn't have to pay for me.

ShatnersWig · 21/01/2019 11:24

I've got a wedding come up for a pair of good friends. They have suggested our particular group all stay over at the hotel the night before (Friday). And as they aren't going on honeymoon until later in the year, they've suggested we stay over the night of the wedding itself and all have breakfast together. The hotel is 12 miles away from the town we all live in. A taxi home would be pretty reasonable and even more so shared between us. As I rarely drink, I'm happy to drive anyway.

The bride is having a hen day involving an Saturday overnight stay at another hotel that is only 15 miles away. A bit of pampering, all watching a film (this hotel has a small cinema room), dinner, stating over.

The groom is having a weekend away in a small coastal place where there is pretty much nothing do (I know, I've been there twice) except sit in pubs drinking. It's over three hours away so the request is we take the Friday off work and possibly the Monday too. So a two- or -three night stay.

Now, the groom has invited the men and women from our social group, but the hen only the women. But it means the women are expected to pay for both of these, and the wedding stuff.

Taking the proverbial piss. I have no desire to spend a few days watching people drink, some of whom I don't even know.

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