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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
Claudia1980 · 21/01/2019 06:27

Ah so you do have money, you just don’t want to spend it on anyone except yourself or husband. Interesting

irnbruforlife · 21/01/2019 06:30

I organised my sister's hen do. Two nights away and activities. She paid for her own. Wouldn't have occurred to neither of us the expect other people to pay.

Blueberryhill123 · 21/01/2019 06:31

Are you one of the bridesmaids too OP?
If I wasn't a bridesmaid then there's absolutely no way I'd be paying out so much money, just so the bride has a trip away!

Actually, even if I was a bridesmaid, I'd still not be going away and chipping in alot of money. A night out in town is ok, but a trip abroad? No chance.
And I'd also be thinking, the reason I'm being repeatedly asked to go, is purely so my money makes for a better trip for the bride!

Mayra1367 · 21/01/2019 06:46

No , no , no . It’s ridiculous for people to be expected to pay for a holiday abroad and very selfish of any bride to expect it .

Believeitornot · 21/01/2019 06:50

Why do people think it’s ok to push other people to spend £00s on something they have no say in? How appalling.

If I ever organised a hen, I’d be too embarrassed to do that!!

Lifeofsmiley · 21/01/2019 06:51

If you have already said on multiple times you couldn’t afford to go and got guilt tripped into it I’d use this now as your opportunity to get out of it once and for all.
Just say the additional cost means you can no longer afford to go.
And don’t worry about what other people think, probably a few of them feel the same but nobody wants to be the one to question it.
I’d be happy chipping in for meals and drinks but no way would I pay for someone else to travel abroad, it’s a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a hen do when you are on a limited budget

Lifeofsmiley · 21/01/2019 06:54

claudia the op is saving for a deposit on a house, . It’s not interesting Hmmit’s a fact of life that the op wants to prioritise her own life over her friends hen do.

JenniferJareau · 21/01/2019 07:01

If I were you I'd bail now before anything is booked.

KC225 · 21/01/2019 07:01

Claudia But you would expect a friend to spend her money on you and your husband. Interesting

Pachyderm1 · 21/01/2019 07:03

It’s totally normal to split the cost among the hens buuuut that said if it’s an expensive hen you should absolutely have been asked first - before you committed to going. It’s not fair to just spring it on you.

Pachyderm1 · 21/01/2019 07:07

I also think just generally £300 to £400 is insane money for a hen do, and any self-respecting bride should be putting the kibosh on that.

Romanov · 21/01/2019 07:12

Hey @Claudia1980 can you give me £100? No, rather spend your money on yourself?

MaisyPops · 21/01/2019 07:15

All the hens at my hen do covered my meal which was nice.
But then my hen do was an afternoon activity, evening meal and night out (done for people who could only do one part of the day).

If it's expecting hens to pay for a pricey weekend away or overseas holiday then I find covering the bride outrageous (and the cynic in me thinks the only reason such dos are so popular now is because the bride knows she won't have to pay).

AuntieStella · 21/01/2019 07:21

I wouid always expect the bride's costs to be covered - never heard of it done otherwise.

The problem here isn't that the normal practice s being followed. It's that the whole shebang is too expensive for you.

I think you have to bite the bullet and say you cannot afford to go. And get on with it straightaway, before any bookings are made.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 21/01/2019 07:21

It won’t end at £400 it will be double with drinks and meals when you get there and no doubt paying for the bride for all that too

You don’t even know most of them going so it’s hardly a holiday with mates for you

That money is for your house and you will resent it when you get there and the costs ramp up on cocktails etc

Say no now
Say you have had a rethink and simply can’t afford it and would love to meet her for a drink when she gets back and see all the photos etc

Can guarantee if she is like this about the hen then the wedding will cost you a fortune

SaltedIceCream · 21/01/2019 07:24

The last hen do I went on we covered her flight cost so she just paid for her hotel.

We also chipped in a extra £10 each to help pay for all the bits and bobs that go along with a hen do.

I’m going on another one this year and so far we haven’t been asked to cover anything but it’s not til June and flights & accomadation is booked already.

TheBigBangRocks · 21/01/2019 07:26

I paid for own my hen do including all guests, I hate this trend of the guests should cover everything for the bride and groom. It shouldn't cost guests to attend a wedding. Obviously if they want a new outfit etc that's upto them.

flumpybear · 21/01/2019 07:31

I think you need to email back probably include all too.

Just checking because I'm buying a house so finances are tight this year, what exactly is the expectation here as it may be the difference between me being able to go or not being able to go
Holiday
Drinks when there
Splitting the food
Activities

Are we splitting all of these costs between us so the hen doesn't pay anything or just the holiday itself ?

EvaHarknessRose · 21/01/2019 07:40

I would add on the chat ‘That might make the cost go over what I can save for - please can you contact me’, just because that might help others speak up now before its too late.

Femaleassassin · 21/01/2019 07:42

I paid for myself at mine

mummyof2boys30 · 21/01/2019 07:47

We went to London from northern Ireland. Bride paid own flights and hotel. We paid for a meal out and show over there. Rest financed herself

sdaisy26 · 21/01/2019 07:49

Every hen do I’ve been on everyone else covers cost of the bride.

Ethel36 · 21/01/2019 07:59

£300-400 for a hen night?! I would tell the truth, that I couldn't afford it..sorry. if you cannot afford It then tell them now before they book it. A hen/stag night is supposed to be one night on the lash. Cannot understand these weekend away in another city/country!

ShatnersWig · 21/01/2019 08:00

Standard to pay for bride now.

But also standard that a lot of people resent these hen dos and come and bitch about them on MN. Most of them end up "oh, i'm going, I just resent paying so much money". JUST FUCKING SAY NO. It's not hard, it really isn't, and people like the OP who cave in to bride nagging is like peer pressure back at school. Except you're all grown adults.

I agree it's got out of hand and I won't go on any do that involves staying away. Going to weddings is expensive enough very often without brides and grooms expecting their friends to fork out for bloody stag and hen dos which are actually glorified mini-breaks where you get your friends to pay for your holiday and all your drinks. It's rude as fuck and people are stupid for going along with it. If you're happy to do it fine, but if you say yes don't moan about it afterwards.

DippyAvocado · 21/01/2019 08:05

Is it really the norm? Maybe it depends on your circle. I've been to several hen dos and never had to pay for the bride! They tend to be of the dinner/drinks or afternoon tea type so not expensive. None of my friends would dream of asking someone to stump up the cost of a holiday for them, especially if people have to spend money on attending the wedding too.