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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - Splitting the cost of the bride for the hen do between the hens?

233 replies

HenDoo · 20/01/2019 23:32

I’ve name changed for this as paranoid the bridesmaids are on here! My friend’s hen do is coming up, and planning is underway for a few days abroad. I don’t know any of the bridesmaids very well, and have never met the one who is organising it.

The MOH has just put on the group chat that we will be splitting the cost of the brides share between all of us. There was no question of asking if everyone was okay with paying this, it was just kind of announced, and no one else has questioned it yet.

Am I being a tightarse for resenting being expected to stump up another £50 (minimum - might be more as still not booked anything yet)? I know it's "only" £50, but I’m on a fairly tight budget this year as hopefully buying a house, and am literally crawling towards pay day right now! I have a few hen dos to go to, which all seem to have creeping costs Confused,

Is it the norm to split the brides share of her hen do between the guests now?!

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 21/01/2019 08:11

Standard

Yura · 21/01/2019 08:14

For my hendo, everything was covered - but it was local, 2 activities and a (very nice) meal.
We also asked for no presents, and covered all food and drinks at the wedding (open bar with soft drinks, wine, specialty beers, spirits, ...). Wedding was local as well, so no extra costs for attending.

TORDEVAN · 21/01/2019 08:34

just say it's something you really can't afford.

I had to do this recently, and it's just been fed back to me that a few other attendees were really grateful I spoke up because they also couldn't really afford it (but would have gone anyway). Now the hen do has changed to a 1 day affair in town. Under £100 total. Much better.

I wouldn't have split a few days away but would be happy to split a meal/affordable spa day.

Handprints2018 · 21/01/2019 08:38

It sounds like it will get more and more expensive. I would talk to your friend and tell her you are sorry but costs keep rising and you can't afford it. Take her for a night out together or something.

hi everyone, I've spoken to X and I'll have to bow out now. I raised concerns about cost earlier and now its rising and still not defined i won't be able to join you. Hope you have a great time and see you at the wedding

Before they book it and demand you pay a lot more.

seven201 · 21/01/2019 08:46

It's normal to pay for the bride if you're doing something local ish. And even then the bride should buy anrpund or two. It's not normal to pay for a bride's whole holiday!

Say
I'm sorry but I can no longer attend. The costs are creeping up and I simply can't afford to come. Have a super fun time. I'll take the bride out for a meal to celebrate.

londonrach · 21/01/2019 08:49

No. never heard of this. Only on mn do people pay for the hen. In my real life everyone pays for Themshelves

perfectstorm · 21/01/2019 09:03

Unless this trip is all inclusive, the flights and accommodation will be the least of it. Eating out, endless rounds of drinks, activities... it's going to be heinously expensive.

I'd simply say that you're really sorry, but you've done the sums and you just can't afford it. Lie about an unexpected expense if need be. The bride was cheeky applying pressure - since when does her hen do matter more than your house deposit and ability to start a family?!

Have you clarified who is expected to pay for the bridesmaid's dress, shoes, hair and makeup yet, by any chance?

Rezie · 21/01/2019 09:03

In my expensive and what I've heared is that the participants pay for the bride. But we don't go abroad for hen nights. In this case the bride should lay for flights and hotels and the participants could treat dinner/drinks/activities for one day that would be the "official" hen do.

RosemarysBush · 21/01/2019 09:03

No, paying for the bride is something you might do as a very close, small group of friends who have all discussed it together and agreed. It would be a massive surprise if it happened to me as a bride to be, wouldn’t expect it AT ALL.

Rezie · 21/01/2019 09:05

In my experience and what I've heard * and the million other typos. Sorry.

nothinglikeadame · 21/01/2019 09:44

You are going to struggle on the hen do if you are baulking at this extra, as other hidden costs will probably come in at about £150

Obviously you have the money , you just don't want to spend it on this hen do which is fine and your decision.

I'm probably not being that sympathetic because I hate to hear phrases like ' crawling towards payday' from people with large amounts of savings,when there are families in genuine poverty.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 09:46

I would expect to pay for the bride for a meal or evening out, but a few days abroad? That's taking the mick. That's like asking someone to pay for your holiday.

The expectation instead of being asked would rile me too to be honest. How close are you to the bride? Is not going at all an option if you're struggling?

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 09:48

I hate this, because in my experience the bride gets to decide more or less what they do on the hen night.

Every one I’ve ever been to the bride has given a rough idea of what they fancy, whether they want to go abroad or get a cottage or have a meal in the local pub.
Then the hens have to pay for it!
It’s CF of the highest order in my opinion to say you want to go on a trip then allow others to pay for you.

Generousparents · 21/01/2019 09:56

Last stag do I went on was 3000 pound holiday of a lifetime thing including spending money only 3 of us plus the groom, we didn't pay for his holiday! He did have a normal do too, he didn't think anyone but him and the best man would go to the expensive one

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 21/01/2019 09:56

All the hen dos I've been on have split the cost for the bride.

If you can't afford it, don't go. The bride has a role to play here in being reasonable in what she does for her hen do, and discussing it with the person organising.

ArchiesMumm · 21/01/2019 10:08

I'm planning a hen for my sister at the moment. It's stressful as hell trying to please a large group of women, never doing it again 🙃

We're spending 3 nights abroad this year and we're all pitching in to pay for the bride. I've told everyone that included in what everyone has to pay is the cost of the brides weekend too. When everyone pitches in (and no asking 'is this ok is that ok' because there's always 1 that says no - and in our case, it's one of the bridesmaids, but that's a different thread in itself) it comes down to pennies and a lovely weekend for the hen!

Wouldn't you be pleased if your hen do was planned and all paid for?

Dunin · 21/01/2019 10:10

Seven201 response is perfect 👍 speak up now before you’re £1,000 in the hole. If the trip is costing that much then you’ll have extra expense on top. A simple message to say that you’ve had to rethink attending is ok to do. I’d say “sorry everyone but I’ll have to drop out of this. We are in the process of saving for a house deposit/mortgage and just can’t afford this much. Shame to miss it but I’ll take the bride out for a meal when she gets back and to see the holiday photos. Hope you all have a brilliant time and see you all at the wedding” then message the bride separately. “Sorry hon. I’ve had to drop out of your hen trip. I just can’t afford to go abroad while buying a house. I’d love to take you out for dinner when you get back though? What dates can you make?” Then it’s simple, firm and non controversial. If she kicks off then she’s not really a friend

Dunin · 21/01/2019 10:13

Oh and when did hen parties get so complicated/expensive??!! For mine, they picked me up in a taxi, stuck a pink feather boa on me and we went and got drunk on toffee vodka shots in Wetherspoons. No faffing, no hundreds of quid. Just a load of laughs and everyone back in their own beds. Weddings are expensive enough surely without making everyone spend a tonne on going abroad!!

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 10:16

Wouldn't you be pleased if your hen do was planned and all paid for?

Not if it was a trip abroad or a weekend away, I’d be mortified that my friends were expected to foot the bill for an expensive trip that they hadn’t chosen.

TheRealShatParp · 21/01/2019 10:19

These Hen dos are getting really out of hand! I do think it’s the norm to pay for the Bride, which is perhaps why more Brides are choosing (or hinting for) the big hen dos.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 21/01/2019 10:20

Ah so you do have money, you just don’t want to spend it on anyone except yourself or husband. Interesting
I’m with Claudia. OP, you’ve got the money, you’re just squirrelling it away for something else. This is a good friend, right? It really comes down to how much you value time with her to celebrate her wedding.
Disclaimer: it IS a ridiculous amount of money for an extravagant trip.

Yearinyearout · 21/01/2019 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 21/01/2019 10:23

Ha, x-post!

mogtheexcellent · 21/01/2019 10:25

I've never heard of this. Is it a tradition seeping its way from across the pond?

I married in 2011 and paid my own way with a pamper session at the MILs followed by drink in the local pub and a trip to a late cocktail bar afterwards. I never thought to do anything else especially as wedding guests would have enough to pay out for in attending the wedding. I am genuinely confused by the extent of hen and stag do s nowadays.

Calvinsmam · 21/01/2019 10:25

you’ve got the money, you’re just squirrelling it away for something else.

Erm why is that a problem? No one is entitled to your money.

There is literally no other circumstance where it would be socially acceptable to suggest a holiday and then expect everyone else to pay. Especially when hens usually have very little choice about where they go, when, or for how long.

If you suggest that you want a hen night abroad or a really expensive one you shouldn’t expect other people to pick up the tab.

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