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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to an 11yr old girl sharing a bedroom with a 16yr old boy?

311 replies

wishuponarainbow · 20/01/2019 22:41

Looking for opinions please!

Is it ever OK for a 16yr old boy (man?) to share a room with an 11yr old girl?

They are not blood relatives.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 21/01/2019 04:21

@kateandme - it changes the tone of the post (for me) it's not juts a 16 year old unrelated male- it's a brother and sister and she's been expected to share with them too. Whilst she has every right to feel unhappy sharing with two other kids she doesn't know- it's a lot less 'predatory' than initially been stated.

kateandme · 21/01/2019 04:23

SD1978 thankyou.this was my thinking.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2019 04:23

Not so, SD.

The fact that the boy and his younger half sister are expected to share a room illustrates a very fucked up family attitude, regardless of what the LA says. The situation in this home is unacceptable even without the presence of the completely unrelated DD.

I think it makes it even worse.

kateandme · 21/01/2019 04:25

im really not trying to be difficult I was just thinking on it.but would people be as outraged if it was a 16 year old girl and younger boy

lboogy · 21/01/2019 04:31

The automatic assumption is that the 16 year old is a predator, which I can see why offence would be taken.

I can also see your perspective - you don't know him and your daughter is the more vulnerable of the two. So on balance yanbu

SD1978 · 21/01/2019 04:33

@mathanxiety- why fucked up? Not ideal- absolutely- he deserves to have his own space at 16, and so does the younger sibling- but I'm not sure how ducked up comes into it. Presumable he has been there since the birth of his little sister- they are siblings, regardless of male involvement. The subtone here seems to be male 16year old predator must be kept seperate from vulnerable younger females he's obviously going to be sexually attracted to and abuse by dint of being 16 year old male. I'm not naive- I am well aware this happens to many girls. But it also doesn't happen to many more. Her not wanting to share a room with two strangers- fair enough. Having a whole thread where the subtext seems to be the 16 years old is a sexual predator based on nothing- I'd be gutted if that was my son.

whiteroseredrose · 21/01/2019 04:50

SD1978. The point is that she is sharing a room with, to her, a random male. However nice he is, I'd be uncomfortable with that and I'm in my 50s.

Imagine the joys of early periods and leakage. Stripping your bed in a strange house is bad enough but in front of a male you don't know, in 'his' room? I'd have been mortified.

SD1978 · 21/01/2019 04:59

I'm not dismissing her feeling u comfortable with it- she has every right to, and I doubt many young girls would feel differently. But the tone seems to (IMO) moves away from she has every right to feel uncomfortable and have her dad find another solution- to more or less causing the unknown male of being a molester. He already shares with a younger female sibling. The post really should read how would you feel about your daughter sharing with two kids she's never met, when that makes her uncomfortable.

NutElla5x · 21/01/2019 05:07

That is so wrong op.Of course what happens to your daughter is your business,always,no matter where she is,even more so now it's been made clear that her twat of a father isn't putting her safety and/or feelings first.

NicolaStart · 21/01/2019 05:10

It doesn’t have to be an assumption that he is a predator.
It is natural privacy,
I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing a bedroom with a friend’s 16 yo Ds, for example. And not because I thought he would molest me.

I do think it is a bit different in terms of safeguarding if there are 3 of them in the room, the other girl.

But, your Dd says she doesn’t like it so that is all that matters.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2019 05:10

The feelings of boys are not to be put ahead of the statistical evidence and the concern is real, not based on nothing. The feelings of boys are not to be put ahead of the feelings of the 11 year old girl either.

Of particular worry, on top of and alongside and interwoven with the sleeping arrangements, is the sense of entitlement that the exH is showing here. Hopefully this is not a model of male behaviour that the 16 year old will emulate, but if the mother of this boy and his half sister is not challenging the ExH here, and is backing him up in his bullying, then a picture is being presented of a culture within that home that spells danger for the DD, and also for the half sister who lives there all the time.

I have a son too. He did not share a room with his sisters. He did not share a room with friends of his sisters when they had sleepovers or came with us on holidays. If DS's friends slept over or if any of them accompanied us on holiday, they did not share a room or a basement with my DDs. Too bad if any of them had hurt feelings over this.

I was not at all hurt on my DS's behalf when other parents observed the same proprieties that I did, and the fact that there was a very obvious sexual subtext to the separating of girls and boys for sleeping purposes was not an issue.

mathanxiety · 21/01/2019 05:13

SD
The response to the question, "How would you feel about your daughter sharing with two kids she's never met?" would be, "She will get to know them if she is there EOW so what is her problem?" and thus even if she felt uncomfortable she would be silenced.

This is why it is important to be able to call a spade a spade and for girls to be allowed to speak their truth without worrying about hurting the feelings of boys.

Ethel36 · 21/01/2019 05:25

No that's not okay. In glad you're supporting her.

Windgate · 21/01/2019 05:31

Opposite sex step/half/full siblings where one is 10+ is, sadly, not that unusual today. The council/HA guidelines don't apply to owner occupier or privately rented homes and HAs simply don't have the housing stock to follow their own rules. The GF is already technically overcrowded and may have been waiting for a transfer for years.

It's wrong and unfair on all parties involved but I doubt a judge would be able to do much except recommend the boy gives up his bed EOW and the two girls share. If your daughter doesn't want to stay overnight then you need to support her choice and go to court if necessary.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/01/2019 05:38

I wouldn't send her back there. If her dad gives a shit he will sort out a sleeping bag or something for the living room.

safetyfreak · 21/01/2019 05:44

No I would not be ok with it either and if the 11 year old girl is uncomfortable then that wins over everything.

My brother never had to share a room with his 3 sisters! We would not want to share a room with him either! Especially as a smelly 16 year old boy who want be on his PS all night.

CustardCreamLover · 21/01/2019 05:52

Those of you going on about he other girl being in the room making a difference - it doesn't.

@wishuponarainbow DD specifically told her she was uncomfortable with the arrangement regardless of who was there and that's all that matters. On top of that he exH tried to bully his DD into dropping the matter. Neither of these things are ok.

Good luck OP, stick to your guns I hope you get it sorted out soon. Bear for your DD and Wine for you!

bevelino · 21/01/2019 06:00

I feel sorry for the boy. At 16 he needs privacy and a place to study.

I don’t understand why OP’s ex would consider moving into his girlfriend’s house when there is clearly not enough room for the people who already live there.

There should not be an assumption made by posters that the boy is a predator and all those suggesting OP should see a solicitor or report to social services are wide off the mark as nothing sinister has happened to the dd.

JenniferJareau · 21/01/2019 06:09

The automatic assumption is that the 16 year old is a predator, which I can see why offence would be taken.

This is where the anger is coming from. Your ex isn't seeing reason as he is seeing your objection as an attack on his gf.

No way should your dd share with a 16 yo boy.

Original poster
wishuponarainbow · 21/01/2019 06:53

I didn't mention the other sibling in my OP (younger sibling is similar age to my DD) as my DD had expressed concerns about sharing with the boy only. She has no issues sharing a room with anyone, has been on multiple sleepovers, shared a room with her younger cousin at family events etc, and if he was a 16year old female she would feel differently.

I've been clear in my messages to Ex that DD likes spending time with them all. it is purely the sleeping arrangements she is uncomfortable with.

At no point have I implied the son is a sexual predator.

My DD is up now and is already asking if she has to go back and share a room with him again. So regardless of whether there is 1,2 or even more females in the room with her she would still not be comfortable sharing with the 16yr old male.

OP posts:
GerryblewuptheER · 21/01/2019 06:53

It doesnt matter if hes a predator or not for this. He could be the sweetest kindest going man on the planet and the half sister is the one with the crowbar under her pillow.

The fact is they shouldn't be in that position.

The boy should be on his own. He's 16. Probably several times the size of the 11 year old. That has to be really daunting for her when she doesn't know him that well.

And he must he extremely uncomfortable to. I dread to think how awkward it is for him. Especially as many many teens and men sleep on nothing but boxers and he is being forced to overheat and be uncomfortable trying to stay "decent"

The dad and girlfriend clearly don't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

StoneofDestiny · 21/01/2019 07:16

At no point have I implied the son is a sexual predator

No - you haven't at all. I've got sons I trust implicitly, but no way would I expect even their female cousin to share a room with one of them as teenagers. It's just wrong for all of them.

TeddybearBaby · 21/01/2019 07:18

My nephew is 16 and I’d feel just as sorry for him in this situation. Sharing with two 11 year old girls...... He’d HATE it. In fact I’m sure he’d take himself out and go on the sofa. It’s not ok all round 💐

MaisyPops · 21/01/2019 07:23

StoneofDestiny
I agree.
It's not about saying someone is a predator and everything about preteens and teens of the opposite sex having a reasonable amount of space and privacy.

NigelsBird · 21/01/2019 07:30

I do actually know a situation where a young girl was abused by the slightly older son of her mother's new partner. Just dreadful. I would be ok about the boy and girl sharing on occasion if they were siblings or even knew and liked each other well, but I think as she barely knows him and is unhappy about it, it does sound dodgy / awkward and I wouldn't be happy with it.

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