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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to an 11yr old girl sharing a bedroom with a 16yr old boy?

311 replies

wishuponarainbow · 20/01/2019 22:41

Looking for opinions please!

Is it ever OK for a 16yr old boy (man?) to share a room with an 11yr old girl?

They are not blood relatives.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 21/01/2019 07:41

I know two people who were sexually assaulted by their older brothers because they had to share a room.

I don’t think it should happen if they were siblings and it definitely shouldn’t happen if they were not related at all. Your ex has options available that mean this doesn’t have to happen.

In my late teens I slept in the living room because I didn’t want to share with my brothers and a stepbrother in an overcrowded living situation. It turned out later one said step-brother abused his little sister when they were sharing a room in a different place.

When males stop being the main perpetrators of physical and sexual violence against females then this will barely be an issue. Until then it’s safeguarding 101.

outlineMethodologies · 21/01/2019 07:41

This reply has been deleted

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forumdonkey · 21/01/2019 07:47

What about in 18 month to two years time? Not long away in the grand scheme of things, gf DS will be 18 years old and your DD still only 12 or 13 years old.

It's not appropriate now or in the future

EvaHarknessRose · 21/01/2019 07:51

Make sure you tell her its ok for her to tell her dad and you how she feels and that if she is not happy with the arrangements you will support her not to stay over there. If he took it to court, by then she would likely be old enough to say she doesn’t want to go and be listened to by the time it happened. Just leave the ball in his court for now. Maybe when he moves she could start meeting up with him instead of staying.

NigelsBird · 21/01/2019 07:55

A tiny handful of brothers are potential rapists / abusers I agree. But this vast majority are not and it's really unfair to tar them with the same brush and say they should not share a room with their sister in any circumstances.
In this case, it's not a brother but an unknown fellow teenager so it's not unreasonable if your DD does not want to share.

Bluelonerose · 21/01/2019 08:03

The main point is your dd has said shed not comfortable with the situation and her dad is ignoring her! What else is he ignoring?

Fwiw my ds1 is almost 16 and i wouldn't expect him to share with any female other than his sister on holiday etc. Knowing ds1 he would go sleep on the sofa as he would hate sharing more.

dancinfeet · 21/01/2019 08:04

absolutely not, ever. even if they are siblings

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 21/01/2019 08:05

But the issue with abusers is that they don’t wear a big sign letting people know what they are.

QueenieInFrance · 21/01/2019 08:16

So actually she is sharing with the 16yo ds but also with a dd (his sister)?
She isn’t alone in the bedroom with him?

How wouod she feel if she was sharing with the dd only?

Ghanagirl · 21/01/2019 08:16

@AugustRose

”When allocating rooms for social housing I believe council rules state opposite sex siblings can share until 10, same sex between 10-16 and over 16 should have their own room“
Which council? It’s not true in the London bouroughs at present.
Although OP
I wouldn’t let my 11 year old daughter share with a 16 year old boy and my DH definitely wouldn’t most (good) fathers are protective of their daughters.

QueenieInFrance · 21/01/2019 08:17

Sorry Xpost.

CantWaitToRetire · 21/01/2019 08:28

There's a lot of focus on potential for abuse by the young man, but the other way of looking at this is that at age 11, your DD will soon, if she hasn't already, start going through puberty and begin her periods. No young female wants to be sharing space with a teenage boy at such a time of her life. Privacy is an essential more now than ever for your DD and if neither her dad or his GF can see this then they don't deserve to spend time with your DD. I feel sad for the GF's DD that she is in the same position of having no privacy. Not to mention the lad who has gone through puberty himself while sharing with his little half sister. No one is winning in this scenario.

Wheresthebeach · 21/01/2019 08:30

Normally I agree that Ex's should bud out over parenting in the other parents home but sharing a bed with a 16yr old boy?? Yikes.

Perhaps you should recommend that he take some legal advice on this issue because if he doesn't respect your DD's wishes it will end up in court. He needs to hear from someone other than you that this isn't okay.

Handprints2018 · 21/01/2019 08:31

Her dad is a twat. She's unhappy and uncomfortable but he doesn't care. Absolutely shit parenting. No Yanbu.

Ghanagirl · 21/01/2019 08:35

@SD1978
From what OP’s written previously this whole set up seems disastrous for the children.
Op’s Ex seems to have had multiple partners which he’s previously introduced to his DD, 16 year old already has a half sister who shares his room no a new stepsister.
I’m no being judgmental but I work in Childprotection and the OP’s ex and his new girlfriend seem to put their needs before the children.
A high percentage of children on CP plans are in this type of family set up.

TornFromTheInside · 21/01/2019 08:38

It's a very bad idea - partly because both a boy and girl that age need boundaries for their own privacy.
It's probably more important for him (the 16yr old) to learn that being close to young girls is no longer acceptable in this situation. I know it's not his fault etc, but it's a reminder about boundaries.

The girl at 11 is on the cusp of understanding the boundaries issue, but still young enough to make poor judgment calls (as she might not grasp the importance). That's why I say the 16yr old boy has the greater onus.

Feel sorry for both of them being thrown together...

Ideally, the boy would vacate his room for her and sleep in the lounge or something, but not all boys rooms are ideal for a young girl! So it might have to be the other way around!

perfectstorm · 21/01/2019 09:07

Nope, no way. Well done you for dealing with the venom you're getting over this. Your DD needs an adult to stand up for her and defend her interests, and I'm so glad that you are doing so. Well done you.

And agreed with the previous poster who commented that no family court in the land would think it reasonable of them to try to force this on your DD. Or for her father to try to manipulate, bully and blackmail her emotionally into accepting it, as he is trying to do. What a shit.

AugustRose · 21/01/2019 09:37

Ghanagirl

I didn't say it was guaranteed, it's a guideline that council's take into account when allocating housing benefit or if people apply for a larger house in council/social housing (does not apply in private renting/home ownership). But no, they don't have to provide a house big enough and siblings do often share.

This is taken from the Entitled To website:

Children
The number of bedrooms allowed for children under Local Housing Allowance depends on how old they are and their sex.

The rules assume that:

two children aged 0-9 can share a bedroom whatever their sex
two children aged 0-15 can share a bedroom if they are the same sex

Children aged 16-19 and non-dependants
Children aged 16-19 are counted as needing their own bedroom.

I just thought the OP might find it helpful if she needs anything further to help. Either way, it doesn't matter because the OPs DD has said she isn't happy with the situation and that's what counts.

Perfectly1mperfect · 21/01/2019 10:47

Ideally the boy would vacate his room for her and sleep in the lounge or something, but not all boys rooms are ideal for a young girl! So it might have to be the other way around!

I agree that if the girl is not comfortable then she shouldn't have to share with anyone but why should the boy have to vacate his room for her? It's his room!

TheCounter · 21/01/2019 11:51

What's wrong with assuming the worst? It's not our lives or the parents lives that would be irreparably damaged if the worst happened. The fact is that you just don't know so theirs going to be an element of risk and that's just not acceptable.
I just cannot comprehend a parent peaking their head into a bedroom and cheerily saying goodnight to their 11 year old daughter then closing the door and heading off to bed for a good night's kip when you've left her lying in the same room as a 16 year old unrelated boy.
How could anyone sleep peacefully? Parent or child.

Ghanagirl · 21/01/2019 12:00

@AugustRose
Okay, I just see the reality at work
Also to clarify the scenario the OP describes is definitely a red flag
It’s not just the sleeping arrangement it’s other info in the post the fathers entitlement to override the concerns of his almost pubescent daughter just so he can sleep with his new girlfriend.

Sethis · 21/01/2019 12:07

Leave aside anything about danger.

Your daughter has said she's unhappy. Being unhappy is a reasonable response to the situation. Many girls in the same situation would also be unhappy. Her father is ignoring her and her feelings. Not only that, but he's trying to blackmail her into changing her mind, instead of addressing her concerns.

Sounds like a wankstain to me.

PinkGin24 · 21/01/2019 12:10

Christ... what an utterly hysterical reaction!? Obviously it isn't ideal but does every Mumsnetter think every 16 year old boy is some seexual predator or serial rapist!?

AFOLNerd · 21/01/2019 12:21

My children have been put in a similar position by their father so I will give you my views from both sides.

I have 2 kids, ds and dd who is 3 years younger. Ex decided to move in with gf. She only had a 2 bed. Both children expressed to ex and me how uncomfortable they were sharing a room. Ex didn’t care, I tried talking to him about room dividers etc and he wouldn’t listen, didn’t care about their feelings. Dd stated that she didn’t want to stay overnight if that was the case. Ex started blackmailing dd to go. End result is she stopped going, she now hasn’t seen him for 3 years. There was other issues in their relationship but this was the last straw.

On the other side ex’s now wife has grandchildren, girls of about 4 and 6.
If ds is there and they want to stay he is expected to share a room with them. He is really not comfortable with this and refuses to share a room with them and sleeps on the sofa. I think this is a horrible position to put ds in but ex just sees it as ds and I being difficult and “making problems where there are none”

Your dd clearly isn’t comfortable with sharing with this boy and that is her right. Sorry your ex is being such a dick.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/01/2019 12:30

It's not JUST about that - it's about teen and tween children of the opposite sex needing some privacy! No doubt the boy has already been through puberty, the girl(s) may be starting or have already started. The OP's DD doesn't WANT to share her private issues with a 16yo boy, and why on earth should she have to? Maybe his sister is used to him, but equally maybe SHE doesn't want to share with him any more either, but doesn't have a choice!

However, the OP's DD does have a choice - she doesn't need to stay over at her Dad's girlfriend's place if it makes her uncomfortable and her Dad is a total dick for not only refusing to understand that she is uncomfortable, but emotionally blackmailing her to boot!

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