To object to an 11yr old girl sharing a bedroom with a 16yr old boy?

[wishuponarainbow]

Looking for opinions please!

Is it ever OK for a 16yr old boy (man?) to share a room with an 11yr old girl?

They are not blood relatives.

Tell him he needs to be a good provider and make sure his daughter and all the children in his new family all have a bedroom each. One bedroom per child. That's what a decent dad would do.

The husband is being unreasonable and I feel for all kids involved.

If he is moving in with girlfriend surely two incomes could afford bigger house (make sure girlfriend is making council aware when he moves in)

I feel for you and hope you can redolve it. I would definitely not let DD go until assurances are there and you have had time to seek legal advice.

Goodluck

For those who say contact social services, social services will do nothing because OP is keeping her child safe by refusing contact. At most they will advise you it is a family law matter.

If there is no contact order in place, you do not have to do anything. Simply refuse to send DD until suitable accommodation is provided for her.

Keep all the abusive texts and ask him to stop contacting you until he had suitable accommodation for DD to stay. Ask him not to send abusive messages to DD either.

As he is the non-resident parent, it will be up to him to file an action for contact in court. In Scotland, you have three weeks to lodge an intention to defend the action. At this point you need a solicitor (or at least that makes life easier). You can state your concerns in your written defence to the action and in the hearing. A child welfare report may be ordered, which will look into these and make recommendations.

For what it is worth, my DC views were taken into account, and inappropriate boundaries were recognised as such.

This has ignited a rage within!!

Forcing her to just go with an overnight arrangement that she is uncomfortable with so sends the wrong message to DD. I think it totally degrades her sense of self preservation when it should be the opposite, she should be encouraged to be taken seriously when she says she is not comfortable with an arrangement like this.

Not to mention his passive aggressive / abusive bahevioir towards her - that is disgraceful. He should be setting an example of how she should be treated by men and not ‘if you don’t do something you are told, even if it makes you uncomfortable, then you will suffer’. Breaks my heart that her dad is saying these things. These years are so critical to her forming a strong self worth and he is crushing that. I hope I am not being melodramatic about if! I just think it has nothing to do with the poor 16 year old, it is the dad, he should step up and be a responsible adult, grrrr...

Sad that some people are automatically assuming that an 16 year old will assault an 11 year old if they are sharing a bedroom. Having said which if she doesn't feel comfortable that is enough and she should have her own room.
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No it's not OK and imo not for siblings either as they need their private space at those ages.

This will not end well.

Of course agree wholeheartedly with you OP - this sleeping arrangement should not be happening.

With regards to CMS, not sure if the same in Scotland as down here but you do actually get less money if he moves into a house where there are children. A percentage is deducted for each child - it makes no difference that they are not his.

This ruling makes me so mad. In our situation I have less money for my child because my Ex moved in with someone who already had a child. She receives maintenance for that child from it's father!!! How on Earth my child should lose out financially because of this situation is beyond me.

My Ex took great pleasure in telling me his pitiful amount of maintenance would be reduced even further because of this.

I would stop the visits. I’m sure nothing is happening except foisting a tricky (and deeply inappropriate) room-share onto both kids, but my concern would be if the adults can’t see what’s wrong with it and don’t respect your views, then other people could be visiting overnight when your daughter is there that would pose a greater risk and it simply wouldn’t show up on their risk radar.

No this isn't ok.

I think most people are saying that it’s not fair for the boy or her DD to share the room for reasons of privacy, dignity and puberty, rather than saying he may abuse her!

I’d just go straight to court and the cms to get everything set in stone. He doesn’t seem worth negotiating with!

Once again thanks to all for the positive and supportive responses.

@Leapfrog44 I am absolutely going to try and remain calm and reasonable even though I'm mad inside!

I'm waiting to see if NSPCC will have any further advice and hope to speak to a solicitor this week.

@jessebuni That's a valid point about his desire to start afresh - in October he went abroad with his gf and children and left DD out. We found out 4days before he went and it meant he missed a planned weekend with DD so it's possible. But desperately sad. All I've ever wanted is for DD to have a relationship with her Dad as it wasn't her fault we divorced. Unfortunately as the years have gone on I'm realising it works both ways and I can't 'make' him see her.

@pinkyredrose I've not met GF or children. DD does get on with them and generally enjoys their company.

@impossible I reached out to the gf! Having never had contact with her I had hoped that as a mum of 2 she would at least be willing to discuss or acknowledge my DDs concerns. I was very careful not to suggest there was anything untoward and repeated how much my DD enjoys spending time with them all and that I wanted this to work for everyone. The only issue was the sleeping arrangements.

She responded that she was not interested in anything I had to say, that she was not going to change her life because of me, that what went on was none of my business etc. She then began personal insults.

@AnoukSpirit Unfortunately you are spot on. I eventually left him 5yrs ago after 15yrs together. I'd stayed for what I thought was DDs sake for too long until I realised that I was not providing her with a positive example of what a relationship should be. At the time he resorted to some low tactics to prevent our separation but I stuck to it. He presented to everyone else as the "ideal husband and father, a doting dad". I have always hoped that he would stick to his promise of putting his DD first and protecting her. I'm realising I'm fooling myself.

My DD is unfortunately more aware of her Dad's negative traits than I thought.
Tonight's question was "what if Dad tells you that I don't have to share with X anymore but then takes me there anyway so I have to?" She's too young to have to start mistrusting, especially her Dad.

I'm incredibly proud of her for being honest and have reassured her as much as I can, telling her that I will not make her go for an overnight stay with her Dad until we are both comfortable and confident that she won't be having to sleep in same room as X.

Sorry about all the bold in last message!

For those who have mentioned CMS I did contact them today and raised a case. If he moves in with gf they will take account of the fact that there's other children in the house and that will reduce my payments.

However, the fact that I won't need to discuss maintenance with him ever again makes it all worthwhile. I should've done it years ago.

Do you think the teenager will rape the 11yo? Is that a 100% given? Couldn't the 16yo see the 11yo as asexual? Or are ALL 16 YO MALES (OR ALL MALES FOR THAT MATTER) RAPISTS IN waiting? If that's the case, then me too is 100% correct and men don't deserve to defend themselves against any accusation and every monther with a male child has a rapist for child, is that correct? Im asking because of all the hand wringing responses saying it's wrong for 2 children ( 16 yo still child in U. S adult@ 18yo)

Modesty and security? What are the kids in lingerie and carrying knives.
They are home with both of their parents. What security?

No, for both their sakes and privacy.

If DD doesn't want to sleep in that situation then she shouldn't be forced. If anything untoward were to happen OP then you will be equally culpable imho

Contact time does not have to include an overnight stay if there isn't appropriate accommodation. Contact time and financial responsibility are separate issues.

Your DD doesn't sound happy so I think I would stop the contact if she isn't happy with her new stepfamily. I'm sure that stepchildren sharing rooms does happen a lot with overnight contact. It's also common for children to be sharing bedrooms so what the ex and his family do is their business but it should not be upsetting your DD.

There is a formula for working out child maintenance payments - it's somewhere on the gov.uk website. HTH

Do you think the teenager will rape the 11yo? Is that a 100% given?

Is it 100% given that he won’t?

I shared a room with my step brother occasionally and we have a similar age gap.
Or with a cousin maybe. It depends on the situation, surely? If the girl is ok with it, go you know the boy in question etc

OP, I do not think in light of the texting that has gone on and in light of your DD's comment/lack of trust, that the relationship with her dad should be fostered or encouraged. Actually, I think you should take steps to stop the contact.

I suspect based on your comments about the GF's communication with you and also based on the texts from your ex to your DD that your daughter will be 'punished' for talking to you about the sleeping arrangements.

There is a level of entitlement and hostility there that indicates to me that it would be very easy for these people to cross all sorts of lines wrt DD.

Mrs Peel, who is suggesting the boy will rape the op's daughter? He probably just sleeps and no doubt would prefer not to have to share his room.

It's an uncomfortable situation for all three kids involved and not fair of the op's ex to get huffy about it. It must be resolved and, until then, the girl can visit her father without staying at his girlfriend's home.

I don't know why the dad doesn't understand.

The step before court is mediation of course.

Being prepared to offer daytime contact is a good way forward, but the caveat there is the unpleasantness around this. There needs to be some acceptance of DD’s views and agreement not to pressure her about overnights.

Oh OP of course it is horrible if that is even remotely how he’s seeing things. Every child deserves to have two parents that put them first regardless of the situation, however when that doesn’t happen the best thing for her is that she sees you putting her first, letting her voice be heard and making sure she knows that she can always rely on you and that is what you are doing. Good luck with it all. Fingers crossed for the best outcome possible.

Well done for looking out for your DD.
You are clearly the only one she can rely on now.
He is putting his step kids and the OW over his own DD.
I fucking hate men like this.
My ExH did the same.
Twats.
My dd figured it all out pretty quickly too.
She's 21 now and is NC with her father.

She got the measure of him at age 11.
You are doing all the right things.
Keep strong and don't let them make you feel bad.