Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

Floofen everyone needs downtime. I don’t see the problem with a little tv if you’ve been entertaining them all morning.

I reckon if I was a SAHM rather than do my part time job of 2 days a week, I'd be much more exhausted. The days I'm at work I come home with bags of energy. I've had the chance to drink water and chat to adults, it's bloody great!

@HolyBumoley
Can you fit all your wee in a potty? I tried it once when desperate and it splashed all over my arse and all over the sides of the potty.

Well, speaking honestly I loved my time as a a sahm! I now work full time again and I hate it! I never felt this sressed/ exhausted as a sahm.

Sounds like you're both envious of each others' situation.

Being a SAHM can be a choice, and in your friend's case it might be - others in her situation may have been told by their husband that they are expected to stay at home to look after the children; or that the husband won't pay for childcare for the child.
You only have to look at some of the "gilded cage" pages on here where a wealthy husband is financially abusive to see that it's not always a clear choice.

However, going back to your friend - SAHM might have been her choice but it doesn't mean it's a bed of roses! Some women really don't enjoy being at home all day, it messes with their sense of "self" and they don't enjoy the small-baby period.

I think a bit of compassion on both sides, and recognition that neither of you have it better than the other, would be a good plan.

Yet another thread where one woman bashes another because of misguided jealousy. It's really sad, and as a pp said way back on pg1, says more about you than her.

I've done all combinations of ft, pt work with and without kids, and both have their merits and annoyances, but I felt less isolated and a more valued person when I worked. I spend a lot of time doing it all alone, as dh is away with work for long periods. And have had a lot of ignorant comments which your friend also likely faces. I couldn't cancel a policy on our pet when it died, for example, because only one person was allowed named on the direct debit policy, and that was dh, who was away for 8 months. Girl on phone sympathized, but said the money must make up for it. Very offensive, because although it's good pay (as are many jobs), there's not a lot extra when dh has been sightseeing, eating and drinking abroad etc, and that never compensates for DC missing dad every day, and having to do everything yourself.

So maybe put yourself in your friends shoes before bitching. It's not a competition, and it's not all roses for her either.

I agree with you op. Perhaps I'm jealous too. Being a SAHP is a privelage. Would much rather not work and be home with my family.

This is so cringey!
I've done both, and I would say that handing my child over to someone else to look after while I had a bit of freedom at work was a million times easier.

Growing up, my mum would avoid the main aisles of the supermarkets, never looking at the full priced items. She would go, daily, to the discounted section and prepare "surprise meals" out of almost nothing. I knew nothing of this until fairly recently. I went on one "proper" holiday abroad when I was a child, and we didn't go to water/theme parks, fun restaurants or anything like that. I distinctly remember getting a bouncy ball on that holiday and being so pleased with it as it was such a treat. But my mum was a stay at home mum. She was at home if one of us were sick and sent home from school; she was present, always. It was a wonderful feeling, as a child. You do not have to be wealthy to be a stay at home mother, I hate this rhetoric.

My friend chose to return to work in order to maintain their lavish lifestyle (huge house, brand new cars, swimming pool, holiday home in warmer country etc). I chose with my husbands blessing to remain at home with our children, but it came with sacrifices (staying in small house, used cars, no vacations for years). For many years I listened to my friend bemoan her hellish commute, stressful job, the high cost of maintaining swimming pool, hot tub and holiday home and the continually problems with childcare. She insisted I was sooo lucky to be able to stay at home, but she failed (or chose not to) recognize the financial issues we faced with only one income. Everyone makes their own choices, luck doesn't nescessarily come in to it, and they are no guarantees you enjoy the life you choose. I can see why you would feel bitter or jealous about your friend, but that won't make you feel any better about your life. Just remember maybe her life isn't as good as it appears to be.

You get to take a shit alone.

Really? You've never thought to use

• a playpen
• a travel cot
• a pushchair
• a baby carrier
• a stairgate
• a cot/cotbed

Honestly, every time I see this as a reason SAHPs have it so hard, I wonder how the fuck any of them actually survive in the real world with such poor critical thinking skills, let alone raise a child.

Perhaps all that cold tea they have to drink freezes their brains!

Obvs to put the baby in, not to take a shit in!

She sounds like she has a privileged life but being a SAHM isn’t a privilege. I think women that don’t work are in a vulnerable position so I couldn’t get jealous over it.

I think both are hard! I work 3 days and yeah when DD has a bad night when I'm not at work the next day I have a nap when she does after lunch.

But then on days I work I do enjoy the break, no nappies, hot drinks, adult conversation etc.

We all have our difficulties whether we work or not.

AGREE @DontMakeMeShushYou

Newborn? Carseat or basket
Toddler? Stair gate or playpen
Older than a toddler? Bugger off i'm on the loo

YANBU

She was at home if one of us were sick and sent home from school

Yes. That's what keeps me going. Might feel worthless every now and again being at home and nobody appreciating but I'm always there during the school day if I get called up or any meetings needed.

Ffs it's not a competition.
It's fine to be a sahp. It's fine to be a working parent.

It's fine for you to complain to friends about being drained after work & it's fine for her to complain to friends when she's drained.

Yabu for taking it personally and expecting her to realise how lucky she is. She doesn't have to do that. She's your friend. She can complain about what she wants as can you.

It's 20 frickin 19
Support each other

It's 20 frickin 19. Support each other

Yes to that!

What is this obsession with constantly having a pop at SAHMs?! Is it great when people who want to stay at home can? Yes. Is it a shame when people who would love to can't? Of course.

But what on earth is wrong with a SAHM being exhausted?! Yes, she MIGHT get to nap when the child does. Then again, she might not. She also can't go for a wee (let alone a shit) when she wants to. Her lunch is likely not her own. She possibly won't speak to an adult all day. And she's taking care of a child all day. That's exhausting!!!

Of course working parents have it hard too, but in a different way. They're not doing all the same stuff a SAHM does PLUS their job, because someone else cares for their child all day.

I never see threads with SAHPs moaning about working parents, only the other way around. What is with the need to dump all over other people just to compare who's more hard done by?

I worked 3/5 when mine were small, by choice rather than necessity. The office felt like Valhalla compared to the interminable days at home, which felt like a relentless cycle of feeding, wiping, futile attempts at sleep training, freezing trips to the park, soft play, laundry, cajoling, refereeing etc etc. My work days comprised:

• A commute during which I could read a book, of my choice, silently or just stare into the middle distance
• solo loo breaks
• adult conversation
• a lunch I didn't have to share and could eat hot and at leisure
• the opportunity to sit in absolute silence, uninterrupted.
• mental stimulation
• recognition and reward for my efforts, within a framework that ensured I knew what was expected of me and whether I was going a good job.

All things I didn't have access to on my days at home with two infants.

Of course, now the DC are continent, broadly self-sufficient and in full time education, my day at home is much easier than work, but back when they were toddlers, my career was an absolute lifeline.

No matter which is more difficult (likely a personal/idiosyncratic thing) the privilege is having the choice.

Anecdotally, my sister always told me that being a SAHM was much less mentally stressful than doing corporate presentations in front of dozens of people on a weekly basis, even though she was admittedly tired most of the time.

I do sometimes wonder if the extremely high male suicide rate might be at least a little influenced by the reality of working for 45 years straight with never more than two weeks away from the office at a time.

It's pointless to compare lifestyles. You have no idea how tired she is, what else she has on, how difficult her kids are. And she has no idea how hard or easy your job is.

I am about to become a SAHP and I live on the other side of the world from all of my family, and my husband is very supportive but has an extremely busy demanding job which includes shift work so I will be on my own with the baby pretty much 24/7. There isn't anyone I can call if I need help. I won't have any breaks unless they are planned well in advance, even just to have a shower or run to the shop. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to it and appreciative of the time that I will get with my child, but I'm expecting it to be much, much harder than my full time job that I recently left.

I have a choice and I chose work (tried the SAHM role for 2 years and found it draining, exhausting and boring! Much more tiring than work). There's also a lot of stigma, people make jokes about 'ladies who lunch' and think it's a sort of holiday or unemployment.

Why not help your friend find work or suggest re-training, rather than resent her for not enjoying being a SAHM?