Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

I see what you mean. I also envy SAHMs as I can see that my absence is having an effect on DC1 in terms of him not feeling secure/ wanting to be with me (not commenting on anyone else's DC or the effect a working parent has on them. This is my own experience). I don't have the option to not work either so I too would be irritated by this.

You sound bitter and jealous

You work and can provide for yourself . She currently cannot

You get time away from kids , she doesn’t

You get the self esteem and mental simulations of working , she doesn’t right now

And if the shit hits the fan with sickness and divorce she is on thin ice

The grass is always greener

I was a working mum after DD (health care professional) but when 2 DS's came along in 2 years I stopped working as the childcare was more than I earned.
I personally found being a SAHM an absolute doddle compared to working but then I have quite low standards and spent my days playing with the kids and meeting other mums rather than attempting to keep a beautiful home!!

I do understand what pp are saying, but I also feel like op is getting a bit of a hard time here. If her friend does not empathise with her situation then it must be hard to hear!
There never seems to be a happy medium does there?

YABU. Having money doesn’t stop your kids crying all day long or poking you in the eye with a toy. It doesn’t stop vomiting bugs and babies who wake up 20 times a night don’t give two shits how rich their parents are. It doesn’t stop PND or loneliness or feeling totally overwhelmed. Being a SAHM is no more a privilege than being any kind of mom.

I have been both, and work is easier by far!

Being at home with an under 5 is exhausting and I'd much rather be at work. When they go to school things get a whole lot easier and I'd much rather be at home. I didn't have the luxury of choosing whether I work or not, but I have had the luxury of working part-time and of being a single mum (which makes life a whole lot easier). I consider myself very fortunate.

I'm doing just as much as she does plus holding down a job

Oh you should have said you took your DC to work with you!

....oh you don’t? Then NO, you’re NOT doing what she does and more. Goady nonsense.

I am a SAHM, previously had a lovely job in the City paying a marvellous salary. My husband left just as our 2 year old was being diagnosed with ASD. I am now totally benefit trapped. I am EXHAUSTED. DS goes to school and that is the time I spend getting something of a semblance of normal in our home. The rest of the time I am a carer. I get maybe 5 hours sleep a night. No I don't "nap" in the day because I can't, I have to make sure everything is done because otherwise it doesn't get done because there is nobody else to do it all. Weekends are a disaster. I don't have any "down" time. I don't have any support. I don't have family nearby. My mum is dead, my dad has Alzheimers. My DS is 7, I am 50 this year. It's SHIT. I would much much rather be dashing off to my old fab job every day. Today has been spent with my son limpet attached to me. I love him but I HATE it. So, yes YABU. Everybody's circumstances are different. I should also point out that I've been a the other end with my adult DD...she's at uni and lives away from home. I worked throughout her childhood and it was much much better. Being an enforced SAHM has made me realise how lucky I was. Don't envy your friend, she doesn't have it easier IMO.

YANBU OP. I think I would find it pretty grating too to have a SAHP friend tell me they were always exhausted, especially if she only has one child to look after. It would be different if she had lots. Sure she might have some days when DC is sick/out of sorts and it’s very stressful, but overall, I can’t imagine how being a well-off SAHP to one child can be anything like as tiring and stressful as working full time in a demanding job and coming home to try and play catch up at being a good mum and catch up with everything else too!

SAHM over a period of time can be very challenging for mental health/well being but admittedly in the short term more flexible as you have described (certain babies/children the exception).

Going back to work can be physically worse/more challenging (sleepless nice/having to focus on work the following day).

So IMO SAHM (more flexibility and if a positive experience then easier), however if not positive then it can take a massive toll on your mental health over a period of time as you NEVER get any time away. But in the week to week short term you don't have to mentally focus/perform if horrendous night the night before.

I've done both so this is my experience.

I hear you. I don't think it's about one role being easier than the other - the privilege comes with having the choice.
Lots of parents don't have any choice about going out to work - needs must financially. Lots don't have any choice about being a SAHM, due to childcare costs or partners who work away etc etc.
But those who can choose based on which they would prefer are very lucky, and I'm not sure they always appreciate that...
The resentfulness comes with not having that choice.

This is one of those 'choices' which isn't a choice at all.
She doesn't need the money, so what would you think of her if she put her child in to childcare and went to work even though she didn't need the money?
(Can I just clarify, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, do what you like, but I rather think the op would have something to say about it).

It is possible to use the toilet and have a hot drink when you are looking after children though, or is there some parallel universe where this isn’t possible. Your friend is allowed to moan so yabu in that regard. However personally I think being a a SAHM is generally easier. You don’t have to deal with the mummy guilt and you don’t have to put in the extra time to try and bond with your child.

I planned on being a SAHM for a while as I got pregnant straight after uni and didn't have a job to go back to anyway. I lasted til DD was 8 months and was so bored I started applying for things. Even the days I worked when she hadn't slept during the night, I preferred that to being at home, tired, with a cranky baby I had to try and entertain.

Started off 2 days a week, now working 3 days plus tutoring on evenings and love the balance much more than being at home all the time.

I've done both. Worked full time with a baby and also stayed at home full time with a baby.
I liked working better because I actually had time to myself. Whereas being a sahm I got no time to myself, or if I did it was very short lived. So therefore being at home full time is more draining.

I find your comments offensive. Unless you've been in her shoes you've no right to judge.

God ppl must really have judged me!! I “chose” to be a sahm when I had my daughter as my husband worked away for long periods of time and then I actually put her into a local nursery for one morning a week, and actually upped it to two mornings a week when I was pregnancy with DC2 so I could have “me time”!!! That just goes against ALL logics on mn! Skate away I don’t care m. She’s 6 now and. Very normal and sociable little girl!

And I know this sounds awful but surely if you needed some down time as a sahm you would put CBeebies on or something. You can’t really do that if you’ve been working all day because you need to give them some quality time.

YABVU and this view is the reason with why SAHM’s feel like the can’t talk about how they feel and can end up depressed.

Im a sahm to an almost 2 year old. Until recently i was working but left when dh gotba decent job.
Im bored shitless! There's only so much of the wheels on the bus and 5 little ducks i can stand. Ive become quite loopy. Getting obsessed with cleaning materials and recycling

headstone you're right, it does sound awful.

I'm glad you think just shoving them in front of CBeebies shuts them up for a minute for downtime.

@headstone 'you don't have to deal with the mummy guilt if you're a sahm'
That's exactly why this mums choice isn't really a choice.
If you have guilt because you go to work and put your dc in childcare when you need to work to put food in their tummies; imagine how big that guilt would be if you didn't need the money?

No. I've had both sides of the coin.
Being a full time worker is awful with having to be away and out of the door with toddlers/children.
You don't get to say that SAHM have it easy though. They don't. I've had that too. We don't. It's mentally draining. It can sap you. It's not easy being "at home" all day. With no other interaction. Far from it.
Stop judging.

@Clarissaintheway I couldn't do this as we only have one loo (two floors above ground floor). I couldn't leave the babies/toddlers downstairs on their own two floors away, so having a wee became a major event (involving carrying two and holding another one's hand) until I discovered that their potty served the purpose perfectly well.