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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm right to be annoyed with DH about this aren't I?

287 replies

NoMoreMarbles · 20/01/2019 10:59

So I'm in bed this morning and turned into my back. My PJs are long pants and a cami type top(relevant)... I hadn't quite woken up and DH was watching TV and didn't know I was awake.

I feel the top of my PJ top moving and H has it lifted up and is peeping down my top at my boobs... WTF! I brushed his hand off and asked what he thinks he's doing and his response was "I was only having a look"AngryHmm

I'm seriously pi*%?d off that he thinks it's acceptable to purposely look down my top when he thinks I'm asleep!

AIBU?

OP posts:
MirriVan · 20/01/2019 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ribbonsonabox · 20/01/2019 17:09

Depends on context. If this is the first time and now you've made it clear you dont like it he never does it again then I'd be okay with that personally.
I do think boundaries ate a little relaxed within relationships... I'd not ask my DH if I could touch him for example, I'd just come on to him. But if he didn't like it I'd stop immediately. That's not the same as if I was single and coming on to someone for the first time, in which case I would verbally make sure it was okay to touch them and I'd expect any decent person to do the same vice versa.

If hes doing this again and again when you have reacted negatively to it then that is not okay at all. Sometimes you do not want to be leered at. That doesn't make you uptight. You should be listened to and respected. I certainly dont consider myself to be uptight but on the odd occasion I would not be in the mood to be looked at and that is totally valid. We dont exist as entertainment on tap.

Sleephead1 · 20/01/2019 17:10

it doesn't really matter of 100 people on here say it's fine for them their partner does it ECT if you don't like it and feel upset that is all that matters. Personally due to a past expirience I had when younger when I was asleep I would have a problem with this. I don't want my husband or anyone else to touch me that way when I'm asleep that is my choice and my right. Maybe people won't agree but the only thing that matters is how you feel about it I don't care if people love their husband having sex with them when they are asleep if they enjoy that then fine but its also fine to only want sexual contact when you are awake

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 20/01/2019 17:11

I've no desire to escalate this from what it was OP, but I can't see that anyone else on the thread has raised this possibility so I have to ask you. Are you sure this is all he was doing?

The reason I ask is that it's only thanks to a thread I read on Mumsnet last year that I know that men photoing or videoing their wives when they are asleep and then posting it online to share with other fuckwits is apparently not only a thing, but more common than you would think. Drugging the women can also be a feature.

From what you've said it doesn't sound like that, so please excuse me if I'm wrong, but this is something we all need to be aware of in today's world.

And for the men who are coming on here mansplaining and being objectionable, this is what SOME men behave like and we need to be aware of it so we can protect ourselves. So sod off.

(I never normally swear on mumsnet!)

MinecraftMother · 20/01/2019 17:12

Fucking creep.

Biancadelriosback · 20/01/2019 17:13

It doesn't sound like he was trying to initiate sex though, it sounds like he was objectifying her body to satisfy himself regardless of whether or not she was okay with this. Many people are okay with this, many aren't.

Also, those who say "most men love this" or similar, I can only assume you have attempted to have sex with "most men" while they were asleep to reach this conclusion? Oh and, why does it fucking matter that some random men like? How does that make any difference to what the OP feels comfortable with? Cos a man likes it, a woman should?

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 17:15

He posted his opinion on the situation and consent. He said nothing wrong at all!!! Yet got pounced on for basically having a dick.

No. He got pounded on for mansplaining. “Get a grip ladies” is incredibly patronising.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 17:16

I'd not ask my DH if I could touch him for example, I'd just come on to him. But if he didn't like it I'd stop immediately.

The op was asleep. She couldn’t tell him to stop immediately. That’s the big problem here.

MyPetRatCalledNat · 20/01/2019 17:17

Wouldn’t bother me

Biancadelriosback · 20/01/2019 17:19

It doesn't sound like he was trying to initiate sex though, it sounds like he was objectifying her body to satisfy himself regardless of whether or not she was okay with this. Many people are okay with this, many aren't.

Also, those who say "most men love this" or similar, I can only assume you have attempted to have sex with "most men" while they were asleep to reach this conclusion? Oh and, why does it fucking matter that some random men like? How does that make any difference to what the OP feels comfortable with? Cos a man likes it, a woman should?

cricketmum84 · 20/01/2019 17:28

@PurpleDaisies

She was not asleep. She was awake and had turned over in bed. I would presume my husband to be awake if he had turned over while I was sat awake watching tv on a Sunday morning.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 17:30

She says her husband thought he was asleep. Given she was actually there, it’s fairly reasonable to assume she knows whether she looked asleep or not.

cricketmum84 · 20/01/2019 17:33

@MirriVan he's on mumsnet, a predominantly female forum and thought he should mention that he was offering a Male point of view??

Not like he went "here is my penis and my opinion. Bow down and worship it because it is correct." 😂😂

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 17:33

cricketmum84 if the op was asleep and woke up to her husband moving her clothing, does that change your view?

Ikeameatballs · 20/01/2019 17:34

For me, in my relationship, this would be totally ok but I can see why for someone else it wouldn’t be.

What I struggle to understand is how you’ve got married without knowing what is ok in terms of touching etc when asleep/potentially asleep. If it’s already been established that you don’t like this then YANBU but otherwise I’m on the fence as this would be acceptable to many.

BrusselPout · 20/01/2019 17:34

*It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

My husband, looking at my boobs, when I’m asleep... Nope, not finding that even remotely a problem.

I’m in my 40’s, I’m finding myself more and more perplexed by the things slightly younger and much younger women are offended/worried/concerned/calling abuse. I genuinely worry how it’s all affecting happiness and mental health.*

This

cricketmum84 · 20/01/2019 17:35

The op was asleep. She couldn’t tell him to stop immediately. That’s the big problem here.

Your words @PurpleDaisies. The OP said she was awake and batted his hand away immediately. Bit different to the situation you are describing. Please stick to the facts.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/01/2019 17:36

and I can assure you most men would never object to a secret cuddle from their other half, awake or not

No you cant.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 17:36

The OP said she was awake and batted his hand away immediately. Bit different to the situation you are describing. Please stick to the facts.

The op said her husband thought she was asleep. Please stick to the facts.

CoastalLife · 20/01/2019 17:38

You are allowed to feel uneasy/uncomfortable/angry/creeped out or any other emotion that you happen to experience, about someone (whoever they are) touching you or exposing parts of your body whilst you are asleep, or have not consented for any other reason.

Nobody should be trying to shame you for a perfectly legitimate feeling. You are allowed to say no, even to your husband. It’s not 1800 and he doesn’t own you.

I am so disappointed at the number of people here implying that you are a prude or “not fun” or that you are being silly. Nobody gets to tell you where your boundaries are and it’s disgraceful to try and encourage a woman to put up with something that she is not happy with. That is her right. If other people’s boundaries are different, fine. But please ignore anyone who tells you that yours are wrong or stupid. They aren’t. They can be wherever you damn well want them to be.

53rdWay · 20/01/2019 17:38

OP says he didn’t know that she was awake.

I don’t get why he would think otherwise just because she rolled over, plenty of people roll over in their sleep.

Original poster
NoMoreMarbles · 20/01/2019 17:39

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks I wasn't naked... I had pyjamas on plus a duvet and was sleeping as far as he knew... if I was naked this wouldn't be a conversation I would be having.

I asked in AIBU simply as I was pissed off not only that I was potentially sleeping (in his opinion) but his reaction after I asked him what he was doing. It doesn't sit right with me and I don't find groping or sneaking a peak at people's intimate parts while they're unconscious a turn on. Each to their own I suppose...

OP posts:
clockworklime · 20/01/2019 17:39

The op said she believed her husband thought she was asleep.

Please stick to the facts.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 17:45

How did the conversation go after that op? Did he agree not to do it again?

MirriVan · 20/01/2019 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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