I'm right to be annoyed with DH about this aren't I?

[NoMoreMarbles]

So I'm in bed this morning and turned into my back. My PJs are long pants and a cami type top(relevant)... I hadn't quite woken up and DH was watching TV and didn't know I was awake.

I feel the top of my PJ top moving and H has it lifted up and is peeping down my top at my boobs... WTF! I brushed his hand off and asked what he thinks he's doing and his response was "I was only having a look"

I'm seriously pi*%?d off that he thinks it's acceptable to purposely look down my top when he thinks I'm asleep!

AIBU?

@hatethinkingofusernames I really do find it creepy and have told him this previously and again today... he thinks it's fine cos he's only looking but if he knocked on the door and came in to have a look I would have less of an issue than him opening the door quietly and peeking in until I notice him

Hi. It's me again.

Jeesus, sorry to have stirred this up. I thought I was being a bit innocuous, but clearly not. Anyway, this is my last post, other than noting that MN have said they are very happy to have male forum members.

Surely there is a world of difference between contact between complete strangers/acquaintances and contact between spouses, or at least a co-habiting couple. I did find it strange that the OP felt that her privacy had been so completely invaded. This is hardly a #metoo offence, I wouldn't have thought.

See you all on some other threads.

You lot are bat shit. A husband looked at his wife's tits, I hope someone has reported this to the police. I fucking despair

This made me laugh out loud. Fortunately it's the minority.

How on earth can you think consent can be taken too far? At what point do I cease to have authority over my own body?
Of course it can. Should your partner ask consent before putting his hand on your knee when you're watching a film? Putting his arm around you when walking down the street? Glancing over at you and thinking you look hot?

Nope just don't get it sorry. I have been with DP for 18 years. I am not a prude but neither am I a push over. In this situation I have no problem because I suppose I would never see the fact that DP was admiring my body as a compliment rather than an insult because we have been together for 18 years and I know him! If I then turned to him and said sod off trying to sleep or something like that then he would stop. Where the hell is your communication?

IMO if you think your partner is a pervert and disgusting that says lots about the state of your relationship.

Is there anything that people will not take offence at these days.

Bloody knew a drip feed was coming!

As other PP have said, I suppose it depends on your relationship. Both myself and my husband have woken each other up with sex before, and I've woken up to him groping some part of my body. I personally don't mind, but I understand why you do :)

We sleep naked so it wouldn’t bother me but it depends entirely on your relationship boundaries. You’re clearly very upset by this so YANBU.

Both myself and my husband have woken each other up with sex before

People keep saying this, but the OP's husband didn't wake her up with sex. The equivalent would be "I often wait until my husband's asleep and then carefully pull down his boxers for a peek".

@voddiekeepsmesane I've not once said I find him disgusting... I'm bothered by his actions but we wouldn't be together if he disgusted me.

@cricketmum84 not really the space to write my entire life story so always an element of drip feeding either way.

Can some people genuinely not tell the difference between a) touching someone in a sexual way with the express intention of waking them up and beginning (they hope) a mutual sexual encounter, and b) surreptitiously moving a sleeping person’s clothing so that you can look at their naked body without their knowledge or permission for your own sexual gratification in the hope that they won’t wake up and find out?

Lots of people would consider situation A to be a huge violation anyway, but I’m particularly astounded that so many people don’t seem to be able to make the distinction between these two scenarios.

@ILoveChristmasLights

I would be exactly the same as you and I'm 30! In fact I'd probably see it as an invitation for sex. I seriously wonder about people's relationships with their partners sometimes. Although only those on mumsnet......never in real life!

Doesn't seem like that big a deal to me, personally-- but if I'd asked him not to do this kind of thing and he still did it, that would be more likely to bother me.

Have you told him it's a turn-off and that if he knows what's good for him, he won't do it again? Maybe appealing to his self-interest will be more effective. (Sneaky peeks at wife = the cold shoulder.) On the other hand, he might just become even more sneaky about it.

It sounds like you not knowing he's looking is part of the enjoyment for him

I thought this too.

I don't understand all of this, have you never touched your husband when he's asleep?

It's all becoming so tightened that we can't do anything anymore. If it were my husband I'd tell him to leave me alone and that would be the end of it. He'd leave me alone, no need to feel vulnerable

It sounds like you not knowing he's looking is part of the enjoyment for him

Yep agree with this. But still don't get the angst. I watch my DP getting dressed for work ( don't get out of bed until after DP) I very much admire his body many mornings and he isn't aware of me oogling. And??

Of course it can. Should your partner ask consent before putting his hand on your knee when you're watching a film? Putting his arm around you when walking down the street? Glancing over at you and thinking you look hot?

Those situations aren’t comparable. You don’t need to ask for explicit consent every time you touch someone’s knee it put your arm around them if you’ve established that that’s ok when you became a couple. My boss would have to ask for consent to touch my knee, as would my doctor.

This is different. It’s a sexual situation that the op hasn’t discussed or agreed to in the past and if she hadn’t woken up, wouldn’t have been able to say no to. Sleeping in the sand bed as someone (even if you’re married to them) doesn’t give you the right to touch them sexually without them having told you that’s ok.

He knows you’re there voddie, you’re not hiding behind a door.

Maybe if the the OP wasn't so chastising of her OH admiring her body it wouldn't be an issue...but as she has said each to their own. I just find it strange that she finds it creepy that her own husband finds her body a pleasure to look at.

I just find it strange that she finds it creepy that her own husband finds her body a pleasure to look at.

It’s obviously the way he’s doing it that’s creepy. My dh comes and says hi while I’m in the shower. He doesn’t snoop from behind the door as if he’s not supposed to be there, or mess about with my clothes while I’m asleep.

A husband peering down her top while she sleeps, like a pervy teenager at their first mixed-sex sleepover, isn't the same as harmlessly admiring her body! You're allowed boundaries and respect and bodily autonomy and privacy in a relationship. And to be left alone while you sleep.

@voddiekeepsmesane open honest admiration is one thing, hiding and peeping is another. I'm not chastising the appreciation of my body, I'm chastising the sneakiness involved. I don't get a chance to feel flattered by his appreciation as he has purposely sneaked a look when I'm asleep or behind a closed door... thats the bit I'm annoyed by...

Fair enough maybe what he is doing is a little overstepping

Some of the replies going ballistic about this are bordering on psychosis. Have these people ever been in a loving and/or sexual relationship?

Utterly, utterly bizarre and really unhealthy. They need to grow up.

I don't understand all this, have you never touched your husband while he was sleeping?

...no. Groping someone who is asleep doesn't get me off or benefit me in anyway. If he work up and found me wrist deep in his pants he would be a bit freaked out.

Some of the replies going ballistic about this are bordering on psychosis. Have these people ever been in a loving and/or sexual relationship?

I don’t think you understand what the word psychosis means.

I am in a fantastic relationship. We understand each other’s boundaries which is absolutely fundamental.