I'm right to be annoyed with DH about this aren't I?

[NoMoreMarbles]

So I'm in bed this morning and turned into my back. My PJs are long pants and a cami type top(relevant)... I hadn't quite woken up and DH was watching TV and didn't know I was awake.

I feel the top of my PJ top moving and H has it lifted up and is peeping down my top at my boobs... WTF! I brushed his hand off and asked what he thinks he's doing and his response was "I was only having a look"

I'm seriously pi*%?d off that he thinks it's acceptable to purposely look down my top when he thinks I'm asleep!

AIBU?

Unconscious people can’t have sexual relationships. That’s for the awake people.

Threads like this are so depressing because of the number of people with no understanding of what consent is arguing that anyone who wants their consent respected is overreacting. It's so fucked up.

There's no such thing as "formal consent" for sexual activities. There's just the very simple notion of consent. If you find that confusing, and don't understand why an unconscious person cannot give consent, then you need to go away and sort your own issues out instead of posting nonsense online.

Even with a medical procedure where you may have formally documented your consent by signing a consent form, your signature is legally invalid if it was not freely given, informed, capacitous consent. And you can withdraw consent at any point after signing - even mid procedure if it would not be dangerous to stop. A signature on a form does not override the facts of whether or not consent was truly given and legally valid.

Unconscious people cannot consent. That is why there are separate legal provisions that have to be followed where someone's life is in danger or they have lost the ability to give or communicate consent for medical treatment. Treating or examining someone outside of those rules without their consent is assault. Intent is irrelevant.

Some of you seem to think consent is automatically given in any situation where you're not physically fighting back to stop someone or being threatened with weapons. You are wrong. And quite disturbing.

Looking at your partner when they’re asleep- totally normal.
Undressing then when they’re asleep- creepy, without prior agreement.
Using “I thought you were asleep” as an excuse- red fucking flag. If the DP has said “??? Thought you wouldn’t mind! Don’t you ever do this when I’m sleeping?” then apologised when he realised the OP was not okay with it, then fine. But to defend himself like that is not on.

@BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou

Agreed!

So all of you saying sex must never start when someone is asleep- do you wake your
Partner and say “please may I begin touching your X”?! How bizarre.

I can’t believe that it’s so out of
The ordinary to start stroking someone, they wake up and you continue orthey wake up and say no, so you stop. How is that not normal?!

I think you mean sex not sexual relationship.

No I mean sexual relationship.

Threads like this are so depressing because of the number of people with no understanding of what consent is arguing that anyone who wants their consent respected is overreacting.

I know damn well what consent is thank you. I also know damn well that calling someone a creepy lech for daring to look at his wife's breasts while she's asleep and shouting the current buzzwords "boundaries" and "consent" about it makes an absolute mockery of the genuine issues.

So all of you saying sex must never start when someone is asleep- do you wake your Partner and say “please may I begin touching your X”?! How bizarre.

You work it out like every other sexual like or dislike. DH and I tried this once and I woke up grumpy as fuck, and we worked out that it wasn’t going to be a thing for us

So actually I downgrade my “creepy” comment to “okay if you’re reasonably expecting the other person to like it”.
If you’re not expecting the other person to wake up and participate, though, then it’s creepy.

This is so creepy. You wouldn't lift his boxers while he was sleeping to look at his goods.
So how it can be downplayed that he can do the same thing I have no idea. It's awful

starabara if someone is asleep they can't give consent. It doesn't have to be verbal. Some people are happy for this in a relationship, but it's not for everyone.

If anyone tried waking me up for sex, I'd push them out the bed, if not out the house. Sex is fine, waking me up for it is an absolute no no. Too many bad memories of far more than just a bit of stroking to wake me up.

Would you start pouring tea into your partner’s mouth to see if they wanted a cup of tea? They like tea, they’ve had tea loads of times before, you’ve made them tea hundreds of times, you know exactly how they like their tea, they always want tea when they wake up, so what’s wrong with pouring it in their mouth to wake them up? They’ll love that, right? So efficient, saves loads of time.

So all of you saying sex must never start when someone is asleep- do you wake your
Partner and say “please may I begin touching your X”?! How bizarre.

My partner only initiates sex when I'm wake, and I do him the same courtesy. Although after two poor sleepers we both understand that neither of us wishes to be woken for anything less than the house burning down!

I really don't think I'd be bothered by this.
The only thing that does bother me is continual sexual pestering.

Its a bit lecherous.

Ugh. Men leching over their wives. I think that's worse than looking at random strangers.

He obviously isn’t 100% interested in your consent.

This. How can people assume a correlation between being married and having permission to look at one another's body? One day you may be happy to have an intimate relationship, but the next day noticing your breasts would be sexual harassment.

I would be so creeped out by this and my mind would be on overdriven wodneirng what else he does while I’m unconscious...sorry OP but I would really struggle to trust him after this.

My wife and I have a form we both sign before engaging in any intimate activity or lustful thoughts. If it would be of use to anyone I'd be happy to forward a copy.

Its disgusting behaviour

Couldn't agree more. Has anyone suggested phoning 101 to log this yet?

Yuk that is so creepy!
Just shows a complete lack of respect for you IMO. I hate men like this!

Personally wouldn't bother me at all but if you're annoyed then you're annoyed. I don't think anyone can tell you whether you're right or wrong to be annoyed as it really depends on your relationship

So... Is it creepy or lecherous to touch your sleeping partner in order to brush the hair out of their face so you can gaze lovingly at them?

If yes then fuck, guess I'm creepy.
If no then is it just because a woman's breasts are considered sexual objects whereas a face is not?

@ILoveMaxiBondi - I think in this case it was more that the OP's DH wanted a cup of tea, so waved a teabag under the OP's nose to see if she wanted one too. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

noticing your breasts would be sexual harassment.

Well that’s not what happened though, is it? He deliberately moved her clothing to look at a part of her body She he chosen to cover while she was unable to say whether she was happy for him to do it. He gave her no choice in it. He made the decision for her. Do you do that to your wife? You remove her clothes without bothering to check she wants you to? You just decide certain parts of her should be visible to you so you remove her clothes?

Would you start pouring tea into your partner’s mouth to see if they wanted a cup of tea?

I think this is more analogous with making them a brew in the morning before they wake up. Obviously that's just as awful- they were asleep and couldn't consent. I'd LTB instantly.

*I'm forever touching him up when he's asleep but I know that he doesn't mind

Genuine question, what do you gain by groping a sleeping man? Wheres the pleasure in it?*

My BF enjoys being woken this way, and I never complain if he wakes me in the same way 🤷🏼‍♀️

I mean this wasn’t even to initiate sex, he wasn’t wanting to share an enjoyable pleasurable experience with his wife. He thought she was sleeping so took a chance to have a leer. He just wanted to gawp at her breasts for his own pleasure. OPs pleasure wasn’t even on the cards.

Is it creepy or lecherous to touch your sleeping partner in order to brush the hair out of their face so you can gaze lovingly at them?

I think you should post a trigger warning before writing things like that. Some of us have been the victim in that scenario.

You know what’s worse than a lecherous man? one that thinks his attempts to minimise it are funny.... urgh. I hope these guys don’t have daughters.

I mean this wasn’t even to initiate sex, he wasn’t wanting to share an enjoyable pleasurable experience with his wife. He thought she was sleeping so took a chance to have a leer. He just wanted to gawp at her breasts for his own pleasure. OPs pleasure wasn’t even on the cards.

Oh no, a husband fancying his own wife 😱😱

@ILoveMaxiBondi

Who's the man?

When I think about the amount of times I've "gawped" at DH for my own pleasure...

Where do I sign on to the Sex Offenders Register?

He's washing the car, his tshirt keeps riding up, I like looking at him