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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm right to be annoyed with DH about this aren't I?

287 replies

NoMoreMarbles · 20/01/2019 10:59

So I'm in bed this morning and turned into my back. My PJs are long pants and a cami type top(relevant)... I hadn't quite woken up and DH was watching TV and didn't know I was awake.

I feel the top of my PJ top moving and H has it lifted up and is peeping down my top at my boobs... WTF! I brushed his hand off and asked what he thinks he's doing and his response was "I was only having a look"AngryHmm

I'm seriously pi*%?d off that he thinks it's acceptable to purposely look down my top when he thinks I'm asleep!

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 14:58

Some posters seem to be amending what happened to suit their own over-reaction, I've highlighted some clarifications in brackets.
1) OP said she turned over, DH then leans over and peers down her top at her boobs, he says it's was just having a look.

You yourself have amended what happened. He lifted up her top.

cricketmum84 · 20/01/2019 15:03

God help your daughters if they are raped or sexually assaulted in other ways going by some of the attitudes to men and the bodies some of you are implying they seem to own, not to mention how thick some of you sound.

What a foul, nasty and offensive comment to make. Piss off and give your head a fucking wobble.

Mumsnet is fucked up sometimes Hmm

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/01/2019 15:05

Her DH thought so too.

Nope. Nowhere does it say that. He says “I was just having a look”. Nothing about thinking she was awake.

My DH sometimes fondles my boobs, without written or verbal consent. I love it. It turns me on.

While you’re asleep?

ElevenSmiles · 20/01/2019 15:08

Of course some people aren't the full ticket.

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 15:12

While you’re asleep?

Sure, if we are spooning and asleep, he might fondle me and I'd wake up. Because even a light touch, would wake me up.

I don't know why you are so keen to imply, that Op's DH is attempting to assault her in her sleep. Perhaps you are projecting, or just enjoy over dramatics.

Anyway, as a PP said, if the Op doesn't like it, she should just say so. But as per the Op's own words she was not asleep.

MRex · 20/01/2019 15:12

@PurpleDaisies - yes, to have a look. One poster comments it was because he thought she was asleep, others are talking about assault; hence the clarification.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 15:13

But as per the Op's own words she was not asleep.

But as per the Op's own words her husband thought she was asleep.

Slightlyjaded · 20/01/2019 15:15

I think it's simple:

If he has done it before and you have told him you don't like it, YANBU
If he hasn't, and now you have told him you don't like it, and he won't. Then YABU

My DH and I have both been known to wake each other up by touching, kissing, whatevering and this is considered normal/sexy/loving within our relationship. In fact I can't think of ANY sexual relationship I've had where this wasn't completely normal.

MRex · 20/01/2019 15:17

Wrong, she assumes he thought she was asleep, she did not in the original post clarify with him whether he thought she was asleep or not. She'd just turned over, she was obviously not deeply asleep, logically he should assume that touching her would wake her up.

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 15:17

But as per the Op's own words her husband thought she was asleep

She has no idea what he was thinking! She had just rolled over, most people would assume that she was waking up.

MRex · 20/01/2019 15:17

(Unless he thought she was already awake.)

Prisonbreak · 20/01/2019 15:18

If and when my partner sneaks a peak I laugh. I’m flattered he fancies me so much. Complete stranger sneaking peaks, id hit the roof. The man I’ve chosen to spend my life with and who I’m regularly intimate with... really not a issue for me

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 20/01/2019 15:19

If op isn't happy about what happened she needs to talk to her oh about it. And decide how to move forward or if this will be the end for them.

From OP's description, it's not something that would ever even bother me or my dh.

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 15:19

I've been known to fondle DH's dangly bits as he walks past me, without consent. Best get myself on to the sex offenders register, pronto.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 15:25

You clearly have his consent husky. It’s quite offensive to joke about touching someone without their consent.

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 15:28

No, I have never had a consent conversation with DH.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2019 15:34

If you had ever been touched without your consent and the person had ended up on the sex offenders register, you wouldn’t make that joke. Think about what you’re saying.

MakeItAmazing · 20/01/2019 15:35

Well, Cricketmum I cant help it if you miss my point completely but I can assure you I don't need to give my head a wobble. I responded to some awful posts. Some as offensive as you seem to think mine was.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/01/2019 15:41

I don't know why you are so keen to imply, that Op's DH is attempting to assault her in her sleep.

He didn’t attempt anything. He did disregard her consent or lack of for his own pleasure and achieved his aim of getting a look at her breasts. Attempted and achieved.

MRex · 20/01/2019 15:43

@MakeItAmazing - to me it came across as you trivialising rape and sexual assault by writing what you did. Of course there is a difference between a husband looking at his wife and someone physically abusing another person. You might well find some posts "awful", but you should be aware that your posts offend others too.

getback · 20/01/2019 15:43

I think for many couples it's completely normal to enjoy being woken out of a "half asleep" state with kissing, touching and things your partner knows will arouse you. The only issue here is that the op does not want or appreciate his actions, and he needs to respect that. whether it's ok or not is down to individual couples so no right answer!

LeeBird · 20/01/2019 15:51

ChristmasLights, I absolutely agree with you! I am over 40, too.

Prisonbreak · 20/01/2019 16:01

Pretty soon we will need a written agreement between partners of what is and what isn’t ok. Signed and dates by both parties before anything remotely sexual happens. Then re-evaluated after each occurance with further contractual rights added.
Geez peace!!!

MakeItAmazing · 20/01/2019 16:01

I most certainly was not trying to minimise rape. I was concerned people were minimising and dismissing the op feelings.

FrogsLegs33 · 20/01/2019 16:02

Clearly there are some big differences between what people think is acceptable in a relationship.

I’ve been in three long term relationships in my life and none of my male partners would have been ok with me disturbing their sleep to try it on.

My husband has actively told me in the past that he didn’t like it when I came onto him (when awake!) without warning as it made him feel under pressure and forced him to feel awkward turning me down.

Once he told me clearly it was obvious because I wouldn’t have liked it either.

Neither of us would ever touch the other in a sexual fashion if we believed the other to be other than fully awake.

I can see that for some people waking your partner up for sex is totally ok, but to some of us it is absolutely not.
Can’t we respect that we all have different boundaries?

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