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Original poster

Re DH smacking DS as a punishment

164 replies

Ooodles · 20/01/2019 09:32

This has been an on going issue for years but right now our youngest DC (5 years old) is going through a phase of being quite difficult and has major tantrums over little things. The naughty chair or being sent to his bedroom is usually the punishment I use. He of course doesn't do as he's told first time, it takes a lot of patience but eventually he gives in takes his punishment says sorry and we move on. Patience isn't something DH has a lot of and when DS throws a major tantrum he always smacks him. I don't believe it helps at all, it only makes DS angrier or more upset and if he listens to DH after that it's only out of fear. DH thinks it's okay because it's only when he's at his worst and is warned. I don't agree at all but he won't change his mind

OP posts:
TeamLannister · 20/01/2019 09:35

Your DH is out of order. It's really not ok to hit a child, ever.

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2019 09:39

I think I would have to leave if my partner smacked our children on a regular basis. Sorry.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/01/2019 09:44

Seriously OP your son is 5 yrs old...what kind of behaviour do you expect? Hitting kids is so not ok EVER....At 5 they are willful and you need to not see him misbehaving as something that needs punishment..you need to sit down and explain that we don;t do the things he was doing and it needs to stop...and move on quickly ....distraction tecniques are good for changing behaviour quickly...Your husband is wrong..you cannot beat a child into submission....and if he goes to nursery or school and says daddy hit me you watch the shitstorm come your way.....cos it will..school will have no hesitation about calling in the authorities....Your husband needs to calm down and control himself....its just not on....I hope you can make him see sense for all your sakes ...

bionicnemonic · 20/01/2019 09:50

What does DS learn?
That hitting is okay?
That being aggressive is okay?
That it’s gets results?
Not the best lessons for life imo

AustrianSnow · 20/01/2019 09:51

Suggest a parenting course to help explore alternatives.
I’d also start undermining him and telling your child that daddy shouldn’t have done that, so he knows it’s not ok. That might have an effect on DH too.

jocsin · 20/01/2019 09:52

I couldn't stand by and let that happen to my child. DP would get one on the chin if he dared hit our kids.

StreetwiseHercules · 20/01/2019 09:55

I hope your husband gets his head kicked in.

You should leave, for your child. Will you?

StreetwiseHercules · 20/01/2019 09:56

And an ongoing issue for years? How tiny was your child when his father began to assault him regularly?

Stompythedinosaur · 20/01/2019 09:59

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would not continue to expose my child to someone who hit them, nor would I wish to share a house/bed/life with someone who was happy to hurt someone powerless and small.

Tinyteatime · 20/01/2019 10:01

It’s hitting. Your dh is hitting your child. You need to explain to him this is a red line and if he does it once more he will be leaving the family home. Find other ways to mange his behaviour.

TheBigBangRocks · 20/01/2019 10:03

So it's not just the youngest child that has had to endure this? By staying and letting it happen you are sending the message to your chdilren that you agree with your DH. They will remember.

I'd have packed his bags the first time he did it. Hitting a child is never acceptable, dressing it up as discipline doesn't change that.

Racecardriver · 20/01/2019 10:04

Punishments don’t actually work to encourage good behaviour, merely to prevent bad behaviour (only works while the threat of the punishment is at hand). It depends on what you are trying to achieve. If you are trying to get him to behave well thesmavking won’t help at all and will probably just make it worse (as yourDS likes you less and less for it). If you just want to make him stop what he is doing in that moment a beating will work a treat (it would on most people wouldn’t it?).

Bambamber · 20/01/2019 10:06

So when your son is angry and upset, your husband responds in anger. So instead of teaching your child how to appropriately deal with difficult emotions, he is being taught to just lash out when things aren't going his way. It's hardly a wonder he has 'difficult' behaviour

LovingLola · 20/01/2019 10:07

I hope your little boy has a trusted adult in his life that he will disclose this to. You and his father are failing him. His father js abusing him and you are complicit. Shame on both of you.

Thisonewilldo · 20/01/2019 10:07

My dad smacked us, I still resent him for it but more than that I resent my mum for letting him.

I would never ever ever allow my husband to smack my child. He would be gone. We had such a discussion before having kids to make sure we were on the same page.

Using violence to teach good behaviour is so fucking stupid I can't comorehend why anyone would do it.

EdWinchester · 20/01/2019 10:09

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me too.

You are allowing your child to be abused. Shameful.

StreetwiseHercules · 20/01/2019 10:11

What kind of utter cunt hits defenceless 5 year old (and younger children)?

I would leave or throw him out and make access to the children as difficult as humanly possible forever.

TheBigBangRocks · 20/01/2019 10:12

My dad smacked us, I still resent him for it but more than that I resent my mum for letting him

Friends would tell a similar story, one is NC with both parents as can't forgive them for hitting her.

MrsBobDylan · 20/01/2019 10:13

Would you like to be hit by your husband when you behave in a way he doesn't like?

Your son is learning that expressing anger and frustration (as every young child will do) results in fear and pain. He will learn to be the best behaved child because he knows he will be punished in an uncontrolled, abusive way if he isn't.

He will learn that you don't love him enough to protect him.

He will learn that the world is a scary, unfair place.

LovingLola · 20/01/2019 10:14

I think the op must have older children who also had to endure physical abuse from their father. The 5 year old is her youngest child and probably her last.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/01/2019 10:14

Does your husband smack you too OP to get you to tow the line? If not why not? Or is it just small children ? He is an abusive bully who uses fear and hurt to control the kids....he sounds adorable.....

ginpink · 20/01/2019 10:14

My dad smacked us, I still resent him for it but more than that I resent my mum for letting him.

Sorry to hear you were smacked, that's awful Sad This is probably a really inappropriate question but I can't help wonder why you resent your mum more when it was your dad who actually did the smacking?

Dvg · 20/01/2019 10:15

Would he hit an adult? probably not and yet this is way worse.

TulipsInbloom1 · 20/01/2019 10:16

Didn't you discuss this pre kids? I remember vividly saying to dh even pre marriage, my parents smacked me, yours smacked you. But it is something I will never do, and neither will you. He agreed.

Smacked. What a shit word. It's hitting. Pure and simple. You husband hits your son.

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