Re DH smacking DS as a punishment

[Ooodles]

This has been an on going issue for years but right now our youngest DC (5 years old) is going through a phase of being quite difficult and has major tantrums over little things. The naughty chair or being sent to his bedroom is usually the punishment I use. He of course doesn't do as he's told first time, it takes a lot of patience but eventually he gives in takes his punishment says sorry and we move on. Patience isn't something DH has a lot of and when DS throws a major tantrum he always smacks him. I don't believe it helps at all, it only makes DS angrier or more upset and if he listens to DH after that it's only out of fear. DH thinks it's okay because it's only when he's at his worst and is warned. I don't agree at all but he won't change his mind

If my dh hit our children we would no longer be together. Would you be on with him hitting you if you were angry? If not why is it ok to hit a small child?

My DH would be out on his arse if he ever hit our kids.

I can't help wonder why you resent your mum more when it was your dad who actually did the smacking

I'd have thought that was very clear. The other parent had the power to stop it but didn't. As an adult you realise that they put their own sex life before their children. You realise you are second best and not worth protecting. Emotionally that's a very hard thing to get over.

I was a well behaved child but had very strict parents. My dad regularly smacked me when I was young, and I can still remember the all consuming fear of being told i was going to be hit and having to approach my dad who would then smack me. I have no recollection of what I did wrong at all, which says something about what the punishment does. It doesn't work and it makes your kids fear you. If DH has anger problems, your poor DS should not be bearing the brunt of it

My dad smacked us, I still resent him for it but more than that I resent my mum for letting him

^^This.

Your 5 year old.will remember being smacked. He's old enough now to feel the injustice at being hit and not being allowed to do nothing about it. He's old enough to remember the anger at being hit by dad. And he'll remember you never making a stand and saying "Never again!". You need to protect your child from your husband.

It’s strange because myself and my siblings were smacked as children. Only a smack on the bum or clip around the ear if we were very naughty. It was never more than that and not very often. It worked for us because we knew if it got to that strange, my dad must be really, really angry so we stopped. It doesn’t bother me and no long-lasting damage from it. It was the norm back then.

Having said that, I would never smack my own children. Even when they’re in full blown tantrum mode. I’ve just never felt the need or want to and i dont think it would accomplish anything. It just makes kids more aggressive and defiant.

You need to nip this in the bud now and seriously consider leaving if your dh doesn’t stop.

You posted here because you know this isn't right. When your child mentions this at school you will both come under scrutiny - your husband for the abuse - and yourself for not protecting your son.

Thing is, is OP leaves him (as I'd want to do) then the ds will surely have to spend time with his df without OP there. I don't think smacking (hitting) is enough to prevent contact with a parent is it? Ds could be in even more danger.

Amazing how women are always blamed for men's actions.

I agree with Bertrandrussel. I have 5 children and do not smack them or ever have done. Neither if my children have been out of hand. You just need to relate to them and acknowledge their feelings. Encourage good behaviour by setting an example. The fact that your dh has very different techniques to you is only going to confuse your child.

“Amazing how women are always blamed for men's actions.”

So desperate to find that indulgent angle on this discussion that it’s worth distracting from a kid being hit. Bravo.

Women have agency. They are not weak. They must protect their children from violence.

Does he still hit the older children

You know not only is it wrong but it is totally inappropriate and doesnt solve anything

How is he in the rest of your marriage

From what I know DH's dad was abusive towards him. My parents did hit me, similar to what DH does to DC, when I was at my worst, throwing myself on the floor screaming. I don't think it's right but as a child it did feel normal for me, I never felt abused, I believe DH still in that mindset that it's normal. I do interfere but at the moment DH is doing most bedtimes and mornings, where DS's tantrums usually take place because I'm heavily pregnant and in a lot of pain

It's NOT the mother's fault Juells - for doing the smacking.

It IS her fault if she allows it to continue.

END OF.

Postino is right. If OP laves her husband he will still have regular unsupervised contact with the children.
Was this something that was discussed before you had children?

Sorry OP but stop fucking whining about you're pregnant and in pain - that's an excuse.

Remove your children from this abusive situation and stop using this 'justification' from your own childhood that 'you never felt abused'. What a bloody crock.

So now there's another child destined for the same life soon. Words fail me.

I hope the little one confides in a trusted adult at school and SS intervene on his behalf.

So this new baby has years of physical abuse to look forward to !!!
Bet your children will despise you when they grow up. Hopefully they will be able to break the cycle of abuse and your grandchildren have a happy childhood.

How old was DS when he started smacking him?

How often is it occurring? Once a day? Month? Year?

Your poor boy is 5. He needs to be taught ways of dealing with his emotions and frustrations in ways that don't involve violence. He is effectively physically abusing him for being a child. And his ways are obviously not working if he is repeatedly doing it.

Shadow
Possibly that’s because of your personality, it wasn’t hard or you knew you were loved unconditionally. Maybe you weren’t warned or something else.

The warning it’s going to happen is the worst. Sadistic imo. The absolute fear of being told I was going to be smacked was much worse than it happening without warning. I remember once as a child I got so hysterical when my mother got my father to smack me that my father didn’t carry it through and never did hit me again. He hit hard my brother hard and left bruises on him so the fear was very very real.

My brother was a wilful child. In his teens my mother hit him with wooden spoons etc. It taught him nothing. Apart from being violent to me and emotionally destroying me giving him a lot of satisfaction. This was not stopped. My mother didn’t tell my father how my brother treated me. The threats of violence and actual violence from my brother continued into adulthood and I am now nc.

Smacking is abhorrent and a slippery slope. The way you describe it Shadow is of something relatively insignificant. The problem is it quickly gets out of control and people, who smack usually have bad boundaries to begin with.

I bet your son behaviour would improve if your husband could cool his temper and show more patience. Children feed off the energy of their parents.

I went through a similar stage when really stressed with no patience. My DD behaviour improved dramatically when I started to calm down.

Smacking achieves nothing but fear.

My dp doesn't cope that well with stress and finds the kids playing up challenging. Since they have been born we have been through a few high stress situations that have affected mood and ability to cope mentally. He has NEVER in that time hit or come close to hitting a child. Your husband is making a choice to hit his child. He clearly can control himself if he has chosen not to hit other people.

Ahhh ...I get you now OP from your update....another one due for your husband to get mad about...and babies are renowned for doing as they are told arent they? Do you realize how bad this could get if he doesnt control his temper and keeps his hands to himself? And when he doesnt it will be ok cos 5 yr old will have deserved it and you are too tired looking after new baby....go ahead make your excuses all you like but if you loose your kids please dont come back moaning cos its not right and it has to stop now and if you cant stop it or won;t stop it you are as bad as he is by turning the other cheek.

Protect your child.