Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re DH smacking DS as a punishment

164 replies

Ooodles · 20/01/2019 09:32

This has been an on going issue for years but right now our youngest DC (5 years old) is going through a phase of being quite difficult and has major tantrums over little things. The naughty chair or being sent to his bedroom is usually the punishment I use. He of course doesn't do as he's told first time, it takes a lot of patience but eventually he gives in takes his punishment says sorry and we move on. Patience isn't something DH has a lot of and when DS throws a major tantrum he always smacks him. I don't believe it helps at all, it only makes DS angrier or more upset and if he listens to DH after that it's only out of fear. DH thinks it's okay because it's only when he's at his worst and is warned. I don't agree at all but he won't change his mind

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2019 10:43

Amazing how women are always blamed for men's actions

Resenting a Mum fir not leaving ohtsucakkt abusive to the children Dad is not the same as blaming her for his actions. This is emotional abuse in itself as it teaches the child that they needs are important enough for Mum to leave and protect them. It's still abuse though.

Tinkobell · 20/01/2019 10:43

he always smacks him
....see we're not talking a one-off then, he always smacks him and worse of all OP, YOU always allow that to happen. I don't what to say actually. Bit lost for words. We're not perfect people OP, and I have raised my hand under provocation to my grown up children once or twice in my life, I'm ashamed to say. But ALWAYS hitting.....good grief. Your kid will grow up remembering this and remembering you let it happen. I hope you're going to make drastic changes having gauged the shocked reaction on this thread.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 20/01/2019 10:43

People hit their children because they can’t manage their own emotions and are not patient. Children can be little shits, but it’s are job as adults to help them control their own behaviour. There are lots of non physical sanctions. Hitting a child is just abhorrent.

LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2019 10:44

No idea where that odd word came from!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 20/01/2019 10:44

*our job

3WildOnes · 20/01/2019 10:45

How often does he smack?

Lockheart · 20/01/2019 10:46

SS won't intervene because a father is smacking his child. As long as it falls under the umbrella of 'reasonable punishment' then the authorities and police won't be interested. And if H is smacking within the boundaries of 'reasonable punishment' then he's within the law.

It's shit parenting, but let's not pretend that they will be investigated by SS. Making up bollocks like that will do nothing to help the OP.

Original poster
Ooodles · 20/01/2019 10:46

This is only a recent problem with DH and DS but we have been through it a few times with older DC, it only happens rarely. I came here for advice, I know what DH is doing is wrong

OP posts:
pantyclaws · 20/01/2019 10:46

Wow, I think naughty chair and forcing a child to go to their bedroom is bordering on out of order and sends negative messages tbh, you'd never treat an adult like that and the hitting is awful.

I bet your son is filled with shame, resentment and confusion over whether his parents love him - especially with a sibling on the way. Poor child.

Strongly suggest you both go on a restorative parenting course.

Chickenwing · 20/01/2019 10:47

My dad smacked me and whilst as a child admittedtly I was scared of him, I never misbehaved and it done me no harm in the long run. Me and my dad have a great relationship now. I think everyone is overreacting.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2019 10:48

I’m chronically ill and in a lot of pain. I have chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, chronic pain and recently had a hysterectomy as my uterus was poisoning and making me so ill that in hindsight I don’t think I would have lived a lot longer. In any case, I was definitely heading for needing a full time carer.

I don’t hit my child and I would still intervene. Perhaps not immediately if I couldn’t stand up or speak, which happens when I am collapsed.

Please don’t use pregnancy as an excuse. It really isn’t. I get angry and shouty especially when I am taking on too much and at risk of collapsing. But hitting or allowing someone else to hit my child? NO!

MrsFrankDrebin · 20/01/2019 10:48

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-46879367 - the island might not be quite up to date about other important things yet, but at least Jersey has its house in order about smacking children - it is now against the law.

Surely it's time the UK mainland followed suit?

Sistersofmercy101 · 20/01/2019 10:49

Isn't smacking /hitting /physical punishment now banned? As in, illegal? Therefore, shouldn't this be grounds for no unsupervised contact, at least until the perpetrator has completed a parenting course?
As a parent YOU have a responsibility to report this to the children's services as it is now banned. If you don't, then you are complicit.
Sorry OP it's a difficult position for you but it's where your DHs actions have put you.

Thisonewilldo · 20/01/2019 10:50

I still speak to my parents and let them watch my kids, they know my feelings fine well and ironically my kids can do no wrong in my dad's eyes he even won't even give them the smallest of tellings off - funny how things can change.

I wasnt smacked every day or even every week/month, it was rare but I will never forget the shame and helplessnes of having to go and get smacked (because it wasn't heat of the moment or anything) and looking at my mum for help and her just looking away.

That said there are many reasons my Mum should have left my Dad but she talks about single parents like they are the scum of the earth so no doubt she would have suffered anything just to have a man.

TheBigBangRocks · 20/01/2019 10:51

This has been an on going issue for years

This is only a recent problem

Which is it?

Lockheart · 20/01/2019 10:52

@Sistersofmercy101 no, smacking is not illegal in the UK, as long as it amounts to 'reasonable punishment'.

What this means (to put it very simply) is that you can't leave marks / bruising.

Tinkobell · 20/01/2019 10:53

You say that your DH was abused by his Dad. So the abused has now become the abuser. When your DS grows up and possibly becomes a father himself, does your DH fully expect that HIS own son will also become an abused abuser of his grandchildren... will he sit back, watch that happen and think 'ah well, never did me any harm' or will he think 'what a bastard my dad was' and try and go NC with you both? What do you reckon?

Confusedbeetle · 20/01/2019 10:53

He needs educating on the better ways of getting children to behave in a way you want, There are lots of resources on Positive Parenting. Personally, I don't believe in a naughty step either. Smacking is usually done in anger, which is counterproductive, and most of all, it DOESNT WORK

dangermouseisace · 20/01/2019 10:54

With kindness, it sounds like you both need to do a positive parenting course as soon as you possibly can. It sounds like both of you rely on punishment for discipline- naughty chair and being sent to room are not positive and they won’t be proving your son with skills to manage his own emotions/behaviour. Of course, all hitting tells him is that it is wrong to feel as he does, that he deserves punishment and that it is ok to hit others when they do something that you don’t like.

Hitting would be a complete dealbreaker for me. I was hit as a child, so I understand finding it “normal” but that isn’t an excuse to let it carry on. There is nothing good to come of hitting a child- nothing.

O4FS · 20/01/2019 10:56

When your DS hits your baby what are you going to do?

Shakirasma · 20/01/2019 10:56

In this day and age I really struggle to understand why some parents can't see smacking for the abuse it is.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 20/01/2019 10:58

Christ, every thread I read with a woman complaining about an abusive husband in one way or another, always has somewhere 'I'm pregnant'. I fucking despair at woman procreating with abusive dickheads. 🙄

crimsonrose19 · 20/01/2019 10:59

I’m a grandparent and when my kids were young quite a lot of people thought it was the norm to hit their kids, but me and my DH never did. I’ve never hit anyone in my life, there’s no way i could have physically hurt a little child.

The thing i noticed was, i could take my kids anywhere, they were always well behaved (except in the house when they could be very boisterous) but the kids that i knew whose parents did hit, were often badly behaved and a bit aggressive towards other kids. So obviously the hitting didn’t work.

Lockheart · 20/01/2019 10:59

@O4FS where did you get that crystal ball? I could use one of those.

@Ooodles I'd suggest getting this thread moved to a parenting or relationship topic - you'll get more reasoned and considered advice about how to approach this problem there than on AIBU, which can be a bit batshit in all honesty.

3WildOnes · 20/01/2019 10:59

Sistersofmercy101 it is not illegal to smack your child within reason. Schools do have a duty to report if a child discloses they are smacked and SS may ask questions. If it falls within the bounds of reasonable punishment then no action would be taken but they would probably be referred for parenting classes.
I have friends who use smacking as part of discipline. I know most on here are very anti smacking but I don’t think that it is always bad.