Re DH smacking DS as a punishment

[Ooodles]

This has been an on going issue for years but right now our youngest DC (5 years old) is going through a phase of being quite difficult and has major tantrums over little things. The naughty chair or being sent to his bedroom is usually the punishment I use. He of course doesn't do as he's told first time, it takes a lot of patience but eventually he gives in takes his punishment says sorry and we move on. Patience isn't something DH has a lot of and when DS throws a major tantrum he always smacks him. I don't believe it helps at all, it only makes DS angrier or more upset and if he listens to DH after that it's only out of fear. DH thinks it's okay because it's only when he's at his worst and is warned. I don't agree at all but he won't change his mind

As for my naughty step punishment i only use this when DC are at the point of being unable to talk it through or apologise if they should, they spend time by themselves so they can calm down and then we'll talk it through when they're ready

Just wanted to point out that all of this is directed by you, and it may not be what your children need. If you decide they need to apologise and train them to do it it will have no meaning and therefore no impact.

I’m a social worker, the advice we give to parents is that it isn’t illegal to smack but it’s illegal to leave a mark. Seeing that you won’t know until afterwards that an injury is visible, it’s just safer and better all round to avoid using physical chastisement as a punishment.

I’d tell your partner this and god forbid a mark is left, he’ll be left answering some very awkward questions to children’s services. Stand by your ground Mum! Your OH is out of order.

God i wish it was illegal, instead of all this "It's fine to do it as long as you don't get caught out by leaving a mark" Half the time no one would know if someone did leave a mark anyway

If a child told me that his dad had smacked him, I would be obliged to make a referral to social services, and they would come into school to interview the child and parent. SS would then make a decision on the next steps. Sometimes no further action would be taken, but sometimes further work would be undertaken.
This happens in my Local authority regardless of what put one PP said that SS wouldn't get involved.

He is assaulting a child. Normally I would say leave him, but then he will have unsupervised time with the victim.

You need to stand up to him. It has to stop.

I’m a social worker, the advice we give to parents is that it isn’t illegal to smack but it’s illegal to leave a mark. Seeing that you won’t know until afterwards that an injury is visible, it’s just safer and better all round to avoid using physical chastisement as a punishment.

Very good point. Someone I know hit their DC ,(but not with force apparently), and when it came out what had happened the child had an unrelated bruise, SS got involved. My dc at 5 was covered in bruises from falling over, games etc.

@poutysprout
Excellent point. I’ve never made my kids apologise. It’s meaningless. Leading by example is the best way and encouraging and supporting your child in understanding someone else’s feelings or the impact of the child’s actions etc. Talk it through. It really does work. Being proactive is the key, not reactive. Keep things simple and straight forward.

Never allow anyone to beat my child. If it's just a smack on the bum or hand very lightly but enough to say no to awful behaviour then yes. We don't need to do it as my kids are fine. Son goes to time out and that's enough thank God. But this generation of violent abusive children with behaviour problems is a cause for concern. It's escalating to the point where young kids are abusing police and public in the street some as young as 9!! Its a country heading to a shit storm of bad bad nasty bullying abuse from kids. I don't see the older generation are as violent as this one is becoming. Saying that I wouldn't tolerate a hard smack or beating on a 5 year old ! But some discipline is needed. More kids are also lashing out and hitting their parents and other kids. Our school had to crack down on violence in a primary school for goodness sakes because it was out of control. Where is this bad behaviour coming from?

@Bigbangrocks
I know exactly what you mean.

I agree that smacking/hitting whatever you choose to call it is wrong, but why is it wrong to send a child to the naughty chair or their bedroom? Children need boundaries and they need to know there are consequences to bad behaviour.

Because with young children they often act out when they need you, not when they need a prescribed amount of being ignored. It’s not a natural or related consequence, and is generally pretty ineffective. The psychology of it is defective.

Protect your child!! How disgusting you will just think about leaving him? If this has happened with older kids why on earth keep getting pregnant and letting this animal of a man hit a five year old.

What about when you are old and weak and vulnerable and need your children to protect and care for you? Would you want a slap for not cooperating? Stop normalizing this behaviour and teaching it to your children. I hope some adult has noticed and will fight to protect them. Shame on you OP. It actually makes me livid that you are pregnant.

“But this generation of violent abusive children with behaviour problems is a cause for concern. ”

No, no, no. This is a clear untruth and is unacceptable.

Children have never been hit less than they are today and crime has never been lower.

The countries in which smacking is illegal have the lowest crime. That is beyond dispute and none of the child assault apologists have engaged with this fundamental point. Funny that.