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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re DH smacking DS as a punishment

164 replies

Ooodles · 20/01/2019 09:32

This has been an on going issue for years but right now our youngest DC (5 years old) is going through a phase of being quite difficult and has major tantrums over little things. The naughty chair or being sent to his bedroom is usually the punishment I use. He of course doesn't do as he's told first time, it takes a lot of patience but eventually he gives in takes his punishment says sorry and we move on. Patience isn't something DH has a lot of and when DS throws a major tantrum he always smacks him. I don't believe it helps at all, it only makes DS angrier or more upset and if he listens to DH after that it's only out of fear. DH thinks it's okay because it's only when he's at his worst and is warned. I don't agree at all but he won't change his mind

OP posts:

PoutySprout · 20/01/2019 11:30

Christ. I’d leave you for your punishments. I’d string your husband up for his.

Your poor son.

PoutySprout · 20/01/2019 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 11:35

Yeah SS will be referred to if anyone is told, it's a safeguarding issue. About 5 kids at our school mentioned that they were 'sad when mummy/daddy smacks their bum' during a circle time session & all 5 sets of parents got pulled in for safeguarding, with SS notified. It might be legal but it is most definitely frowned upon & highlights a lack of control

PoutySprout · 20/01/2019 11:39

From what I know DH's dad was abusive towards him.

No excuse to continue that with his children.

My parents did hit me, similar to what DH does to DC, when I was at my worst, throwing myself on the floor screaming. I don't think it's right but as a child it did feel normal for me, I never felt abused,

So they hit you and sent you away to boarding school. Your husband hits your son (which you facilitate) and you send him away to his bedroom. Does that feel good to you? Because it won’t feel good to him.

Has he just started school?

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 11:44

As per usual, MN users all pile on, to tell the Op, that it's abusive, and her son will go NC with her when he's an adult, and that she won't see her grandchildren.

There is a world of difference, between a hard blow to the face, and a tapped bottom. We have no idea what is happening here, or the frequency.

I have witnessed horrendous behaviour by children, that literally goes unpunished, and I think I might have given a tap to the bottom, or a stern telling off, however, current thinking seems to be that children can set the rules, and must not be challenged. I'm not sure it's working, because I see a lot of kids who are out of control, doing stuff I would never have allowed my own kids to do.

I was repeatedly smacked as a child. Probably from about age 5, right though to 16. And I'm talking proper hard whacks to the face. In fairness, only ever when I was a total shit bag, and yes, I deserved it.

We were also left in the car, with a bottle of pop and packet of crisps, whilst the adults had a drink in the pub. No seat belts in cars. Very little mollycoddling : if the teacher said you'd been naughty, you'd get punishment at home. No fancy pubs with ballpits, you were lucky if the park had a seesaw or a slide.

This was fairly standard for kids being raised in the 60's, 70's and early 80's. We are all still alive. I am not NC with my parents. They love me fiercly, but parenting was different then. They never ever hit my children, as it wasn't their place to parent them.

My own parents childhoods, were far harder than mine.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, but I hate this label of "abusive" that is bandied about so freely on here. Perhaps get the Op to describe what is actually happening, before piling in. I can't get worked up, if it's an occasional tapped bottom, when the child's behaviour is intolerable.

tinytreefrog · 20/01/2019 11:46

I was hit a LOT as a child mostly by my DM, occasionally by DF and I'm not just talking a smack on the bum, think repeatedly being slapped and back handed around the face whilst being back into a corner (DM's speciality). DF's smacks were more standard of the time (smack on the bum when you'd been really bad). I don't really resent my dad for his smacking, it was common then, just the expected way of parenting and most of my friends parents behaved in a similar way. I do very much resent DM and believe the way she behaved was almost certainly abuse. She mostly did it when DF wasn't there to witness it. However we do still have a relationship, I she has on occasion looked after my children. She's mellowed a lot with age and would never do to them (or my younger siblings) what she did to me and my siblings who are close in age to me.

Anyhoo. I do think people are somewhat over reacting here. Whilst it's shit parenting and smacking really only serves to make a situation worse, I don't think that there's the need to cry abuse like some posters are.

OP needs to be firm with her husband about this. She finds it unacceptable and she needs to get her DH to agree that if he feels like he's going to smack, that he will walk away from the situation and she will deal with it, pregnant or no. She needs to show him evidence that smacking doesn't work and ageee on a better way to deal with things.

My DB, Dsis and I were far more violent towards each other than my dds are. I do put this down to the fact that DM was violent towards us and it was learned behaviour (I never hit my DC).

Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/01/2019 11:46

It is still legal in this country when it is used for discipline by parents, but cannot leave a mark or scratch or cut for it to be legal.

Whether or not it’s right is a matter of personal opinion. Obviously you are against it, and you’re in good company - on MN everyone is totally against it and it seems rare that anyone has ever laid a finger on their child ever (or will admit to it).

I think you need to talk to your husband about an agreed plan when your son kicks off because it is confusing to him to have such different responses from his parents.

He’s 5, so could you say to your husband that if your DS starts kicking off that you walk out the room and leave him to calm down / get himself together for example? Him smacking is not working long term so I would say he needs to stop.

Is he the youngest and also worried about you having a new baby and not being the baby of the family anymore?

Apart from this response, is he generally a caring and loving dad?

Tinkobell · 20/01/2019 11:50

Abuse aside, surely thumping is such a dumb ass, uncerebral solution to resolving what are normally quite complex issues with kids. There's no lasting solution there; because if there was, why does he have to keep doing it? Is your DH a bright guy or is he a bit thick and can't engage in complex issues? Does he not see that when he does this, that he lets himself down so much as a person and a father?
I know when I lost my rag with my kids when they were younger and smacked them, they felt shit and I felt shit and I ended up apologising for bloody days afterwards telling them that I was shit. So, it's best just to vow to stop doing this, break his habit and walk away next time he sees red mist OP.

PoutySprout · 20/01/2019 11:53

It is still legal in this country when it is used for discipline by parents, but cannot leave a mark or scratch or cut for it to be legal.

Not for long.

PoutySprout · 20/01/2019 11:55

Discipline literally means to learn, not to punish.

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 11:59

As an aside, I actually find it quite fascinating, that humans are the only species on the planet, that cannot control their young.

If you watch a dog with her pups, or a Lioness with her cubs, the mothers are always in charge, and rule the family with some element of dominance.

I realise it's a very unpopular opinion, but I do wonder whether as a species, we have become softer and softer with our children, and it's actually coming back to haunt us. Because, in all honestly, I have never seen more badly behaved children, than the ones I see today.

I realise I sound quite old, I'm not really, I'm late 40's, and honestly, I have seen a deterioration in behaviour, imo. And a lot of parents, who turn a blind eye to abhorrent naughtiness, or seem scared to challenge their own offspring. Or asking children to desist, rather than being in control and telling.

It doesn't affect me, I can walk away (my own kids are grown up), but I do often think, that they are making a rod for their own backs, by being so soft.

An unpopular opinion I know, because every generation thinks that their way of parenting, trumps the generation before.

flumpybear · 20/01/2019 11:59

When would it be ok? 5 he 'smacks' does he start beating at 8 or 10? Is that then ok? Or are you going to step in now and make a difference
To your child's life, and maybe even your husband if ie can learn child abuse is t acceptable and he was mistreated as a
Child

Do something, today

TheBigBangRocks · 20/01/2019 12:22

Husky, so would it be ok for a man to tap his wife if he deemed her behaviour unacceptable given you believe is fine to do that to a child who has no means of defence?

Sarahjconnor · 20/01/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2019 12:33

“Tap” is such a red flag. What the hell is a “tap”? What on earth impact would a “tap” have? A tap is something you can use to attract the attention of a stranger who hasn’t noticed they’ve dropped a fiver.

Pumperthepumper · 20/01/2019 12:41

What could you possibly have done age five to deserve a proper hard whack to the face?

BertrandRussell · 20/01/2019 12:44

“What could you possibly have done age five to deserve a proper hard whack to the face?”

Or even aged 16?

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 12:44

The problem i have with smacking as a regular punishment is the lesson it teaches. You are acting like a prize dick therefore you deserve a smack. Ookay so next time i meet someone in the street who is aggravating the shit out of me, i will smack them. Pretty sure any judge would tell me to sit down & shut up if i used that as a defence.

Similarly, we teach our kids that violence isn't right. Yet we use it against them when they're naughty?! Huh? Really?

I've smacked my DD (on the bum) twice. Once when she was pissing around with an electrical socket & ignored my warnings to move, & once when she was hanging off my dog's face. A whack on the arse is miles better than her being electrocuted or mauled because she won't listen. Smacking over a tantrum is counter productive imo

LardLizard · 20/01/2019 13:06

Way to go everyone direct so much anger at the op
Like has previously been said wvenif she did leave her dh, right now today, he will still be able to see the child and there will be none to police it

Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/01/2019 13:07

Pissedoff - your response sounds fair enough.

But a nursery teacher (I’m assuming your child was under 5 at the time) doing the same thing would very likely be dismissed instantly and barred from working with children for good. So some would say that there were other ways of responding to these situations and that you should not have done this.

DointItForTheKids · 20/01/2019 13:14

Didn't realise women were supposed to act as police for their husbands and partners to prevent repeated physical assaults Lard!

We're not responsible for their actions or policing them, but we are for protecting our children.

OP deserves anger if she's not going to protect the child - supervised contact at a contact centre would be preferable if she cannot or will not act to protect her child. THAT is her responsibility which as you'll note, she's currently not discharging that responsibility and is allowing her little 5 year old son to be repeatedly hit by an adult male.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 13:20

cauliflowersqueeze i'd be concerned if nursery wasn't child proofed with electric sockets tbh. I'm very much of the view if mt child is potentially going to get seriously hurt then any means necessary. I wouldn't routinely drag DD round by the arm for example, but if she ran into the road & a car was coming i'd grab whatever i could to drag her back to safety. Similarly with the dog; my dog was solid with kids, but if she did that to any other dog she risked getting her face chewed off. She's never done either again so the shock factor seems to have worked.

She used to have horrific tantrums, her forehead was routinely black from headbutting walls. Whacking her for every tantrum would have just fuelled her anger & frustration. If someone grabbed/smacked DD in a serious 'you are going to get seriously hurt if i don't' situation i'd be okay. If someone whacked her because she was being a little shit? Hell no

Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/01/2019 13:22

Oh I agree with you - I’d be fine with that too. But it still wouldn’t be allowed and that nursery nurse would likely be sacked.

pigsDOfly · 20/01/2019 13:23

Husky. Not being 'soft' on children to the extent of allowing bad behaviour has got nothing to do with a need to hit small children.

I was born just after the war, the youngest of seven children with quite a large age range.

I wasn't hit as a child, I assume my brothers and sisters weren't either and yet all of us were very well behaved and respectful of our parents and would never have argued with them or run riot either in the home or out.

My children were also never hit, again my children were polite and well mannered. And I'm seeing the same with my DD's children.

Hitting children teaches them to be hit, it doesn't teach them how to behave, on the contrary, it just teaches them that if you're bigger than someone else and you've got the upper hand you can slap smaller people around and they can't do anything about it.

Good parenting takes time and patients, hitting a small child is the very opposite of good parenting.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 13:27

True, they probably would. But they would also probably get done for not safeguarding properly if DD electrocuted herself too. Professionals can't win in that case i guess?

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