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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re DH smacking DS as a punishment

164 replies

Ooodles · 20/01/2019 09:32

This has been an on going issue for years but right now our youngest DC (5 years old) is going through a phase of being quite difficult and has major tantrums over little things. The naughty chair or being sent to his bedroom is usually the punishment I use. He of course doesn't do as he's told first time, it takes a lot of patience but eventually he gives in takes his punishment says sorry and we move on. Patience isn't something DH has a lot of and when DS throws a major tantrum he always smacks him. I don't believe it helps at all, it only makes DS angrier or more upset and if he listens to DH after that it's only out of fear. DH thinks it's okay because it's only when he's at his worst and is warned. I don't agree at all but he won't change his mind

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 20/01/2019 13:27

I was smacked occasionally as a child. My dp’s were good people and good parents, I think they just lost their temper sometimes and things were different back then. I didn’t feel abused and would put myself in the ‘it never did me any harm’ camp.

However in spite of all of that I have never ever smacked my dc, and woe betide anyone that ever did. The fact that I feel so strongly about it tells me that underneath it all, I have been affected, even though I would consider that I have a good relationship with dm.

3WildOnes · 20/01/2019 13:27

Doin if they split her husband would most likely get unsupervised access. Supervised access is normally for cases where there are much bigger concerns.

pigsDOfly · 20/01/2019 13:30

*Opps. just realised I wrote patients in my pp when I meant patience Blush

DointItForTheKids · 20/01/2019 13:38

And in this case 3WildOnes the reduction in the total number of hitting events per week would be considerable.

Tinkobell · 20/01/2019 13:48

As an aside, I actually find it quite fascinating, that humans are the only species on the planet, that cannot control their young
Hey.....that's so not true! All that happens with other species is their uncontrolled young get eaten, killed off etc.....that's natural selection. Similar to the person up-post, i did do the odd bum smack when my DC's did bloody stupid or dangerous things and refused to listen. I also did it once when my toddler purposefully rode her trike over the baby's fingers.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 13:55

Yeah control in other species is totally different. Can't be compared

Huskylover1 · 20/01/2019 14:20

Husky, so would it be ok for a man to tap his wife if he deemed her behaviour unacceptable given you believe is fine to do that to a child who has no means of defence?

Not the same at all. A husband isn't raising his wife. You raise children, and have to teach them right from wrong. If a child is especially naughty, I have no problem with a smacked bottom. Better still though, a firm telling off that makes the child desist.

Op has been scared off the thread now anyway.

DointItForTheKids · 20/01/2019 14:27

Scared off the thread my arse, she didn't hear what she wanted to hear, even though she knows it's wrong, she's not going to do anything about it.

MargueritaPink · 20/01/2019 14:35

Juells
Amazing how women are always blamed for men's actions

It is the man's fault for hitting the child and it is the woman's fault , legally and morally , for colluding with him and not protecting her child.

Really pathetic piece of diversion there Juells. The mother is an adult with agency, duties and responsibilities.

MargueritaPink · 20/01/2019 14:46

In 1990 I employed a nanny and when we hired her I explained that we did not approve of smacking children.

The nanny was a properly trained nanny who had done a 2 year college course. She looked at me as if I had 2 heads and then patiently explained that no smacking was an absolute fundamental part of her training. There is no need or justification to smack children.

MitziK · 20/01/2019 14:59

A five year old is on average, just under three foot tall and under three stone in weight. An average man is just under six foot tall and around 12 stone in weight.

It is the equivalent of the adult being hit/shouted at by somebody 12 foot tall and 300kg - so larger than a fucking Grizzly Bear.

And it's ineffective. Fear is replaced by cold contempt.

Don't forget that most children grow to be taller/stronger than their parents, too. Will your OH be oh-so-brave when he's being towered over by a son who is so sick of it that he's at the point of defending himself?

MargueritaPink · 20/01/2019 15:09

A five year old is on average, just under three foot tall and under three stone in weight. An average man is just under six foot tall and around 12 stone in weight

It is the equivalent of the adult being hit/shouted at by somebody 12 foot tall and 300kg - so larger than a fucking Grizzly Bear

That is a brilliant way of describing it.

And it's ineffective. Fear is replaced by cold contempt.

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2019 15:12

Whereas I agree with the analogy no 5 year old is under 3 foot tall that is 36 inches or 90cms and is the height and size of 3year old. 4 and 4 works better. It’s still a huge height and weight dofference

MitziK · 20/01/2019 15:21

You're right. I mean 1m, which is 3 foot 3 or 39 inches. My apologies. It should have been a 4 year old at that weight.

SoaringSwallow · 20/01/2019 16:13

OP YANBU.
So what are you going to do?

LovingLola · 20/01/2019 16:21

OP YANBU.
So what are you going to do?

My guess is that she is going to do sweet fuck all. The 5 year old will continue to sufffer abuse and in a few short years the new baby will be in the same boat. God help them.

Bertiebitch32 · 20/01/2019 16:31

My dad beat the sh#t out of me and my siblings as well as severe emotional abuse, me and my siblings have sufferd with drugs abuse, eating disorders and psychiatric disorders all caused through our abusive child hood. I'm no contact with my father and low contact with my mother as I've struggled to forgive her for allowing it to happen. Please protect your child because the fall out can literally last a life time .

ethelfleda · 20/01/2019 16:46

Agree with everyone here. You’ve got to stop it.

Both my parents hit me - my Dad was harsher and threw me across a room once.
But my mom always the worst - she would always hit me over the head and tell me I was stupid. Even if I hadn’t done anything ‘naughty’
It’s caused me to have life long issues. I still can’t make sense of it as an adult.

We will never hit our child.

Mrskeats · 20/01/2019 16:56

How would you feel if teachers hit kids for bad behaviour? Why is it different for parents?
Op this needs to stop. If a child disclosed to me that they were being physically punished I would have to report it.

Original poster
Ooodles · 20/01/2019 17:44

I've properly read through the thread now and honestly it has opened my eyes, I didn't see this as abusive and it's difficult to accept but I'm trying to. I don't understand why DH thinks it's okay to hit a child. As for my naughty step punishment i only use this when DC are at the point of being unable to talk it through or apologise if they should, they spend time by themselves so they can calm down and then we'll talk it through when they're ready. This obviously isn't going to work or help them in anyway if DH is also getting wound up so I am going to talk to DH about this, that next time he feels angry with DS or any of our DC he walks away. If he doesn't then I will seriously think about leaving him, I want to do what's best for DC and letting this happen isn't

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 20/01/2019 17:49

I was regularly smacked and beaten as a child by both parents and as a result I had zero self confidence when I left home and didn't trust anyone because if you can't trust your parents who can you trust?
It took many years to recover, almost my whole life and even now I feel extreme anger towards my parents and avoid them wherever possible as I actually don't like them as a result of their behaviour.
Is that the future you want for your son?
You need to put a stop to this now. Boys don't need to learn violence is ok to get your own way.

dangermouseisace · 20/01/2019 17:52

OP, I’m glad you were able to read through the messages as it can’t have been easy.

Re your naughty step situations, as part of the course I did we had “time out to calm down” for a couple of minutes. For an example of how that works in practice, I remember my eldest saying he was taking himself off to have time out as he learned to recognise when he was feeling overwhelmed. So it probably would look a little like your naughty step, but without the negative connotations.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 18:02

We have time out - DD takes herself away to her room to calm down before we talk. I do the same when i'm angry. Giving them time out is a good thing...maybe just change the name of the game. Instead of naughty step, time out step

missymayhemsmum · 20/01/2019 18:09

Can't believe that posters here believe that parents splitting up would be better for the children than a smacked bottom, or that both parents aren't responsible for appropriate discipline.
Your DH sees smacking as an appropriate response to a tantrum, and you disagree and use time-outs. Neither are currently helping your ds to cope with his emotions and not have tantrums. So you need to find a way of dealing with the behaviour that you can agree on, and that is appropriate to your child's development. So why don't you consult your health visitor? It's exactly the kind of parenting support they are there for, and the 'expert view' may help your dh to accept an alternative to smacking.

btw, 5 year olds have melt-downs generally when either it works to get ther own way, or when they are overtired, hungry, upset about something or struggling with school. Work out which it is and that will help.

Pissedoffdotcom · 20/01/2019 18:20

The key there is the word 'appropriate' - smacking a child as a regular punishment isn't really appropriate, especially when it is because one of the parents responsible for discipline has lost control

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