Accused of being racist

[Montagu90]

Hi all

I have NC and don't want a potential flaming tarnishing my TTC posts!

Had an upsetting run in today that has made me have a long hard look at some assumptions I made and question whether I was in fact, being racist.

I don't consider myself in anyway racist and am not one of those 'I'm not racist but...' people. However, please tell me if in the below scenario IWBU

DH and I are avid foodies and like to try foods from various parts of the world. We really enjoy Asian, Thai, Vietnamese food but although love Indian food, we can never seem to master it at home. Over Christmas I attempted my fourth Biryani only to fall once again at the right balance and texture of rice.

So I decided this weekend to try once more. I went to a really good local greengrocers who happen to be run by an Indian couple and therefore have a good varied range of Indian spices and things I can usually never find (ghee for example). I picked up the ingredients for my recipe but noticed a few other customers had bought these packs to make up various Indian curries which have all the bits you need in them. So I picked up one of these too.

When I got to the till I asked the man whether they were any good. He replied they seem to be popular but he hasn't tried them himself. I then laughed and said I've never quite managed the perfect Biryani and I don't suppose he has any tips for the perfect recipe? He got visibly cross and said 'why, just because I'm Indian I must know how to cook a good curry?' I stuttered and apologised if I'd caused any offence, I was just genuinely asking if he could offer me any assistance... he then said he didn't go around asking every white person how to make gravy and I should consider what I say before making such racist comments.

I got out of there quite quickly but just felt awful. I've since wondered why I asked him... the fact that he ran a shop which had a specialist section on Indian food was certainly part of it. However, if the shop had been run by a white man, I don't think I would have asked.

So I did make an assumption based on his perceived culture. But I see this as no different to asking my Welsh friend for their best Rarebit recipe (which she happily gave me). I definitely wouldn't have stopped a random man in the street so where he was working definitely had something to do with it.

I am now sitting at home feeling awful that someone thinks of me this way when all I wanted was to make a nice Saturday night meal.

So WIBU?

You can ask anything to Google. It least it won’t take offence.
The world does need to change. The way we carry on, we are likely to become more insular. It’s just too risky interacting with real people.

*‘What I’ve taken from this thread is that when a person of colour says a remark is racist, their opinion will be minimised and dismissive by white people.’

I’m a POC and I’m saying it’s not racist.

Maybe look at the stereotypical assumptions you are making.*

I’m mixed race.

I think Neil deGrasse Tyson said
"If you want to assert a truth, first make sure it's not just an opinion that you desperately want to be true."

I'm half Indian, Biryani is not a dish native to the part of India my dad is from. Having said that I'm certain he would not care to be asked for tips/recipes. I don't think you're racist. Sounds like the shopkeeper was a misery guts.

She didn’t assume he could cook

Asking someone if they have any tips doesn’t assume they can cook

And is it so bloody bad going to an Indian person working in an Indian food shop - don’t suppose you have any tips?

Why minimise real, damaging racism? Why make people scared to have any interaction for fear of offending or being labelled racist?

And it’s hardly stereotyping to wonder if an Indian person can cook Indian food - it’s not like that’s a widely held view

“...most white people continue to conceptualize racism as isolated and individual acts of intentional meanness. This definition is convenient and comforting, in that it exempts so many white people from the system of white supremacy we live in and are shaped by. It is at the root of the most common kind of white defensiveness. If racists are intentionally and openly mean, then it follows that nice people cannot be racist. How often will a white person accused of racism gather as evidence to the contrary friends and colleagues to testify to their niceness; the charge cannot be true, the friend cannot be racist, because “he’s a really nice guy” or “she volunteers on the board of a non-profit serving under-privileged youth”. Not meaning to be racist also allows for absolution. If they didn’t mean it, it cannot and should not count.“

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jan/16/racial-inequality-niceness-white-people?CMP=fb_gu

Also sometimes you are just not racist. Not just not meaning to be, but just not being racist at all. Note it’s not just white people commenting here.

@Montagu90 YANBU, reasonable question given the circumstances IMO

I haven't read all your many replies so apologies if you've anyway got biryani advice, but I recommend Shan biryani spice mixes. My Pakistani neighbours use them and told me the secret. The biryani is SO good. I use the lamb ones and also the fish one. Never the weird chicken one with tamarind, its really disappointing. In the fish one the herb you won't know or dill. I also buy jars of ready made garlic and ginger paste for frequent biryani making. It's practically throw out in a pot then ready! So delicious. Enjoy

Because women cook and men are chefs

He had no idea because he wasn't a chef and a woman (mother/sister/wife) cooks for him.

He's an entitled man and he blamed you for not understanding what he should or ought to know , given he works in a speciality food shop.

That's a very interesting article, Rhi

It is telling that he made that comment when his wife wasn't around. If she was there, she probably would have intervened to give tips on the ingredients they sell and to stop her grumpy husband losing customers.

It is simply not possible for white people to understand what other people have to put up with and while we might understand that we can be annoying, it is unfair to take the whole of your frustration on the person who added the last drip of torture. My parents were immigrants but I look white, so apart from the odd comment from people based on my surname (oh, is she black?), I have no idea.

The nearest might be what I experienced as one of the few female engineers in an organisation of mainly men. Yes, they did repeatedly ask where stationery was kept. But I understood their confusion, explained politely and didn't accuse them of sexism - that way they knew how to behave better next time and we could continue to work together.