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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

287 replies

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:04

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2019 13:07

She's too unwell to visit him from the sounds of it so I'd expect him to come to her. Howe er it sounds like he thinks he's moved back to his Mums.
How old are they?
I think it's reasonable to have a word with him and set out some house rules which includes tidying up after themselves, him buying food etc.

Presumably if he wasn't there she'd still be sat around the house and would probay require more of your time, you'd still be cooking to include her etc.

JaiNotJay · 19/01/2019 13:09

For starters, I would stop cooking for them, just get food for you and DH. Or go out to eat/get a takeaway for the two of you. Let them sort themselves out. And get on with the housework, just work round them, they'll soon move. Also take his shoes and dump them in your DD's room.

NoCureForLove · 19/01/2019 13:10

Do your dd's MH problems mean she is so unwell she cant cook a meal, wash up, do the hoovering? If not then it is reasonable to expect more of both of them. One question is whether he's a CF. Another question would be why you haven't made your expectations and wishes clear. If yiu don't want his shoes in the hall tell him. If yiu want him to go earlier on Sunday tell them. Etc.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 19/01/2019 13:10

That does sound unsettling and tough. However, who is paying all the bills at their house whilst your DD is signed off? I'm assuming that DD isn't getting much if any pay at the moment so he is covering the bills rent etc on a home that they had set up together and were originally splitting things 50/50. Maybe he doesn't realise it is an issue on the contributing side.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 19/01/2019 13:12

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support

A bit of both I think but overall YANBU for feeling your home is being taken over somewhat.
Do you think he realises the impact his weekend stays are having on you? Maybe he feels he needs to be there to support your DD. You are going to have to have a gentle conversation with both of them and try and come to some sort of arrangement on his visits while your DD is not feeling well. It seems your issue is two fold...... your are funding their weekend lifestyle while your DD is with you and you are fed up with his constant presence at weekends. Could you DD alternate and spend every other weekend back at her home with her BF

JaiNotJay · 19/01/2019 13:13

Meant to add, yes he is being a CF but it sounds like you're just putting up with it. Which is understandable given your DD's MH but you need to address it with them.

Cel982 · 19/01/2019 13:16

He's being a bit thoughtless, maybe, but it sounds like he's just trying to be there for her and support her as much as he can. To be honest, it sounds like they're both behaving equally 'badly' in terms of being a bit inconsiderate and treating your house like a hotel, but - understandably - you only have a problem with him. But they're an established couple now, it makes sense that they would see their lives as being together when work allows, so I think if you want her to live with you for the moment, you will need to accept him being there a lot of the time.

You can certainly have a conversation with him about how he behaves around the house, though. Come at it from a collaborative, "we're all in this together" approach, and be specific about what you need him to do. And stop cooking for them all the time!

PepsiLola · 19/01/2019 13:21

I would let it go but I would make comments to bf like "can you move your shoes" and "are you going to treat us to a take away this weekend?"

elvis86 · 19/01/2019 13:22

I think YABVU and taking out your frustrations on your daughter's boyfriend. This must be very difficult for him.

Your adult daughter is ill and has returned to her parents' home for months (which is weird in itself, IMO), leaving her bf alone in the place he only moved to in order to accomodate her job (quite possibly having to pay all the bills, if she's now on statutory sick pay).

Presumably she doesn't want to go back to their place to visit him - how else is he supposed to see her?

You ought to be grateful that he's being supportive and understanding. A lot of young men wouldn't have persevered with this situation. I'd be incredibly hurt if my partner was ill and wanted to move back to their parents' for months rather than stay in our home.

Sounds to me like your real issue is that you daughter has overstayed her welcome (you and your DH still wouldn't have the house to yourself if her bf wasn't visiting), but it's easier to take out your frustrations on the boyfriend rather than your unwell daughter.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 19/01/2019 13:27

Your adult daughter is ill and has returned to her parents' home for months (which is weird in itself, IMO)

Why is that weird? Would you turn your DC away if they were in a bad way and needed a bit of TLC for a few months?

elvis86 · 19/01/2019 13:31

Intohellbutstayingstrong - I think it's unusual that an adult woman has stepped away from her partner and home to go back and live with her parents for months on end.

Not going to stay with her parents per se, but to do so for months. What is the boyfriend supposed to do?

gateto · 19/01/2019 13:32

I can see why you maybe feel your house is being taken over, but look at it from her boyfriends point of view. I'm assuming your daughter isn't working at the moment so who is paying for her side of things at their home? If her boyfriend is paying and picking up your daughters side of things it is possible he doesn't have much money left over. He also moved for your daughter, and now she has moved back. He is going through a lot too because of this - and hasn't walked away and makes the effort to come visit. I would think about what is really important, leaving his shoes out and eating food is cheeky but he really is there for your daughter and you should be glad he has his focus on her. He hasn't given up on everything and their home and her. I would probably look past his shoes being left out

Justmuddlingalong · 19/01/2019 13:35

A sit down discussion with all of you is needed urgently. Say your piece, highlight the problems or nothing will change. It's nice to be nice, but he, and her to a certain extent, is being a cf.

Holidayshopping · 19/01/2019 13:37

Why can’t they slob around sleeping all day in their own house?

Yabbers · 19/01/2019 13:40

Cooking and shopping surely aren’t the issue as you’d be doing that for DD?

If you don’t want him there just tell her he isn’t welcome.

almutasakieun · 19/01/2019 13:41

What does MHWB stand for?

The boyfriend wants to see her, so of course he must go to where she is.

What else can he do? Skype her?

Honeyroar · 19/01/2019 13:42

It's a tough one. Why is it just him you're mad at? She didn't get any money out either, she hasn't told him to put his things away! If he got up and left her sleeping you'd probably be fed up of him under your feet.

She's at that stage when she's trying to live like an adult, but failing. Hence why she came home to you. He's holding the fort at their house, probably paying bills and doing the housework, and trying to visit her regularly. If she's living with you what else is he supposed to do? I imagine he's young, like her.

Gedge77 · 19/01/2019 13:42

If you and your dh are both working full time I cant really understand why she is back living with you.
You arent around during the day to support anymore than her boyfriend would be so why has she chosen to move back?

flumpybear · 19/01/2019 13:42

I'm going against the grain a bit here, perhaps you could talk through as they're probably not even thinking about you guys as kids often don't, I didn't, it needs perhaps explaining, nicely, that you also need some space, can they keep the place tidy and make some time for you and your husband to be alone

KC225 · 19/01/2019 13:43

I agree with the above, I think the boyfriend is not really a CF. He moved for your DD is tackling the bills alone etc., and moving back to MILs home every weekend is not how every young man's dream life. I think they are guilty of being thoughtless. Some ground are in order - no cooking, they buy their own food etc.

Just a thought, if they spend all weekend inside, sleeping and living like slacker students. Why can she not go home for the weekend. Seriously, it may be easier to drop her off a couple of hours away in a Friday. He can bring her home on Sunday. At least that way you get a weekend and they get to spend the weekend the way they want to and it may aid her recovery.

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:43

Elvis86

😮
why is it weird that our Dd has come home for support? She’s a young adult, first time away from home in a strange city and in a stressful job. She was homesick!!!! Ffs

So I’m glad that she’s come home and she felt that she could without judgement.

She is actually paying most of their bills, we are fully prepared to subsidise all their costs in fact Bf has a history of not paying his way!

And I absolutely do not resent dd but, I’m frustrated with the home situation as we are trying to support them both while staying happy and stress free ourselves so that we can help them out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:47

Dh works shifts so he is around at different times during the day and I’m home in evenings

OP posts:
elvis86 · 19/01/2019 13:49

With everything that's going on, I genuinely can't believe that people are suggesting the boyfriend needs taking to task over this?!

Aside from leaving his shoes in the hall (do you provide him with somewhere else to store them, OP?), there's nothing in the OP's other complaints that it sounds like he's necessarily solely responsible for.

The house is messy - is this solely the bf's stuff at the weekend? Do you provide him with storage? Daughter and bf stay around the house all day - is this not likely driven by daughter's MH issues? They both eat your food. They both suggested eating out and you ended up paying.

Do you know for a fact what impact your daughter's absence from work is having on their finances? Plus travel costs for him each weekend to visit her? I wouldn't be surprised if he's struggling financially.

It sounds like you want to pander to your daughter and take care of her, but you aren't willing to extend the same generosity to her boyfriend (who is remaining loyal to her despite her buggering off to her parents for months, leaving him alone all week, and having to drive 4 hours each weekend to sit in her parents' house if he wants to see her).

Your daughter is so ill she's off work and has moved back in with you for months. And your biggest concern is shoes in your hall?

Sounds like the boyfriend is getting the shitty end of the stick and trying his best to support your daughter, and now you're gunning for him. I feel really sorry for him.

theworldistoosmall · 19/01/2019 13:50

They are adults. They are capable of shopping, cooking and cleaning.
Instil some house rules.
They have to clean up after themselves.
They have to take on some responsibility to ensure there is food in the house.
They have to also cook every other weekend at least. If they don't want to they have to treat everyone to a meal out/take away and not going to the cash point isn't an excuse. Most places take card payments. Or they could have transferred payment to you.

Lifeofa · 19/01/2019 13:53

Mental health & Well Being? For MHWB