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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

287 replies

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:04

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 19/01/2019 16:10

We are all working on getting her back to a place where she can start looking after herself. Isn’t that a parent’s role?
To a point , but for someone in their twenties with their own place that is her partners role. Staying in bed all the time will not be helping her mental health.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2019 16:10

If she's been back with you for a few months and at work for a year, are there actual plans for her ever to return to that company?

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 19/01/2019 16:12

How detrimental do you think it would be to your DD if you said her boyfriend could only visit every other weekend? Or if you were to suggest you drove her to her house at weekends (or alternate weekends) as her boyfriend will be home then?

PerverseConverse · 19/01/2019 16:14

Nanny0gg she left a year ago and been home a few months so can only have been in the job a few months. OP has she got a job to go back to if she's been off for about the same time she's been in the job?

Allthewaves · 19/01/2019 16:14

Could u drive your daughter back to their house Friday night then her be bring her back on Sunday? Then everyone gets some space

Butterfly84 · 19/01/2019 16:15

Your DD's boyfriend is probably missing their home set-up and being a couple. He is just visiting your house each weekend because this is probably the only way to see his partner. You don't seem to be making him feel very welcome, so he probably doesn't think it's his place to start cooking and cleaning in a house that isn't his.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/01/2019 16:17

I think OP is enjoying having her baby back home where she wants her and wishes the bf would just piss off. Coddling DD is doing her no favours whatsoever and allowing her to live in her safe little nest is never going to improve her MH.

snowie01 · 19/01/2019 16:19

Tell him he can't come if he's bothering you so much. Hopefully DD will realise she needs to go home and be with him instead of Mummy doing it all. She's an adult. Either that or she needs to sell up and just come home. Cant have it both ways.

jelliebelly · 19/01/2019 16:19

It's clear you don't like the bf full stop. Did dd have MHWB issues before leaving home? If not it seems you're not doing her any favours by mollycoddling her at home - she's a grown woman why can't her bf support her in their new home? Whole set up seems odd to me.

Shallishanti123 · 19/01/2019 16:23

Someone upthread suggested your daughter go back home on a weekend. Perhaps this would help her move forward?

It is hard, I understand. I’ve had a lot of time off work myself due to MH and some days just leaving the bedroom can be hard. Being “forced” to go out (husband makes silly excuses that we need to go somewhere... I’m onto him Grin) does help a lot.

Gitfeatures · 19/01/2019 16:24

Is the plan for her to move back with bf eventually? If so she would benefit from taking small steps towards this. Can you take her there Friday evening, she spend the night and come back Saturday evening/Sunday morning? Something needs to change here and a discussion needs to be had about what you are working towards.

Dermymc · 19/01/2019 16:26

Good. Idea on her going to him.

Frankly he sounds like a Saint.

I8toys · 19/01/2019 16:27

YABU. No idea why you are taking the situation out on him. He's stuck in the middle. Maybe she needs to start making a move to go back now as its been months. You are not helping by enabling her - she has had a break from life for a few months but needs to get back into the real world. I suffer from mental health problems and sometimes someone just needs to get me out of the rut I'm in and reset by a change of scenery. Weekends back at her place sounds ideal.

Poloshot · 19/01/2019 16:31

If you don't like him tell him straight, call him a CF and he probably won't be on the scene much longer.

Consolidatedyourloins · 19/01/2019 16:32

YANBU, he does fuck all around the house and scrounges your food.

Time to have a word.

FrancisCrawford · 19/01/2019 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hefzi · 19/01/2019 16:38

What does her CPN say?

HermioneWeasley · 19/01/2019 16:42

You’ve said she was homesick and had some issues at work
This has made her so ill that she’s had to return home to be taken care of, but not so ill that she needs any therapy or counselling.

Honestly, I think you’re molly coddling her. I moved to another city with my boyfriend and was homesick. My mother gave me a dose of tough love and while I now realise how hard it must have been for her, it was the best thing she could have done.

She needs to ride this out, or accept she’s going to live at home or very near you forever.

paintinmyhairAgain · 19/01/2019 16:43

i think the 'home sickness' is very telling, that there is more to this than meets the eye, and i speak as someone with mh issues and bi polar.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/01/2019 16:44

Except for the meal out, which was very rude and ungrateful of them, YABU about the boyfriend unless you’ve sat down and had a discussion about what you expect.

And while we’re on that - what do you expect him to do while he’s there? Leave dd in her room at 8:30, get dressed come downstairs and do the hoovering? Leave dd in her room at 8:30 and go out for the day so you have the house to yourselves (except for dd, of course, who will still be there sleeping and mooching around)?

If he isn’t with her why would he be coming to stay?

He sounds really devoted to her - to have moved for her job and then stuck it out, visiting every weekend when she abandoned him and moved back to your place. If you both work FT it’s not at all clear why she’s back with you - that’s a pretty harsh rejection he seems to be handling pretty well.

CatnissEverdene · 19/01/2019 16:45

You could start encouraging her to go back there for weekends? She's going to have to at some point presumably and it may not be actually helping her if you are doing everything for her and she's reverted back to a "young child" role in the house.

If they've got a good relationship, I'd encourage them to start having some time on their own again.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 19/01/2019 16:51

What support outside the home is she getting?

I feel sorry for her boyfriend, I bet he's not to thrilled with the situation either. At the end of the working week, I doubt a two hour trip to his g/f parents is really what he wants to be doing?

If the situation with your daughter has been going on for months, then maybe she needs some more help. Staying in bed will not help her mental health. I have had mental health difficulties including hospitalisation and exercise and carrying out small tasks such as making lunch were always encouraged. Even in hospital you were expected to take part in activities.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 19/01/2019 16:52

Being homesick will only be made worse by returning home all the time.
Just what I was thinking.
Of course your instinct is to welcome her back and treat home like a sanctuary but they're settling into a pattern that's not really helping her move forward.
As to whether he contributes anything, lifts a finger to help, the frequency of his visits, either you or DH talk to him.

CountessVonBoobs · 19/01/2019 16:57

I don't honestly think being at home is helping her. As PPs say even in hospital she would be working on completing the tasks of normal life. If you're literally months down the line and she is doing nothing but lying in bed then things need to change, and she needs to be working on participating in life and fulfilling her obligations. (I also find it strange how much emphasis you're putting on her being "homesick". The cure for homesickness is to stay where you are and find things to enjoy, not to go home, even with children.)

I think it's time for a serious talk. Not about what a CF the boyfriend is (he could be more considerate by the sounds of it, but you're being pretty unreasonable about a lot of your complaints) but about the plan for your daughter moving back to her own flat and getting more well in preparation for going back to work. It is something that she has to work at. With support, but she has to work. Frankly, someone with robust mental health to start with would end up mentally ill if all they were doing was staying in bed all day at mummy and daddy's house.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/01/2019 17:01

What is the long time plan for your DD? Is she planning on returning to her job and home?

I suffer from anxiety and depression, I have been suicidal and when I moved out I was incredibly homesick. I mean this in the nicest way OP because you love your daughter however I don't think all this is helping her. She need to get back on her feet and all this isn't necessarily helping. It was good that she knew she could come back but this can't continue forever.

I feel sorry for her BF, he followed her to another city and is now living in that city alone and having to visit her at his in laws every weekend.