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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

287 replies

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:04

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

OP posts:
HappilyHarridan · 19/01/2019 17:01

I feel sorry for him, he relocated to be with her and then finds himself on his own five days a week and about to be told he’s not welcome to visit her at weekends! Fair enough they should get their own food in and clear up after themselves but if she’s not able to go to him at weekends then I think you need to accept that he will come to her. And if she’s not well enough to go out and about when he’s visiting then they will stay in all weekend.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/01/2019 17:02

Did she have MH issues growing up? Did something extreme happen? Homesickness isn't usually a thing in adults in their 20s living with their boyfriends. Dealing with independent living and a job should be normal, not debilitating.

Agree with others that she needs to focus on getting better, and certainly not hiding away, being waited on hand and foot by her parents.

Why doesn't she spend her weekends at her flat with the bf?

Loseitandkeepitlost · 19/01/2019 17:08

What does she do during the week when you are at work? Does she wash/dress/feed herself?

PoshPenny · 19/01/2019 17:11

I speak as one who has had my own battles with my MH over many years.
I'm sorry and obviously we only know what you've told us, but it really sounds like you aren't encouraging your daughter to fly the nest and become an independent young adult.
Homesickness is awful it really is, I lost a whole year to it at 16 when I was packed off to boarding school against my wishes, but the only way to come through it is to persevere - NOT run home to mummy and daddy. I was grateful to have the homesickness over and done with when I went off to uni. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing your daughter no favours by mollycoddling her like this. If she's grown up enough to leave home and start living with her boyfriend then she ought to be able to deal with homesickness and having to generally just stand on her own two feet and fight her own battles in life.
Really she ought to be having outside professional help with all this and you should be encouraging her to return to her new life, starting with her going back to live with her BF in their home and functioning as an adult rather than a child.

Regarding your present predicament you need to tell them when your pissed off with what's happening. Your daughter is completely taking you for granted, and the BF is following her example.

Original poster
WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 17:13

She is in receipt of counselling and treatment as well as other things to get to a better mental state. She did not abandon him - she’s ill!!!! He needed respite and she needed care and company that he couldn’t provide by himself. So, as her parents we have helped them BOTH out financially and emotionally.

He is being supportive, I get that but we just need space

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 19/01/2019 17:16

OP, you do come across as being rather resentful of your daughter's partner. Is he supposed to just stay down there and not see her at all, then? Has she been with you longer than she has lived down there with him?

TacoLover · 19/01/2019 17:17

You sound like you're trying to find an issue with him staying at your house when you mention such a small problem like him leaving his shoes in the middle of the hallway.

Bluelady · 19/01/2019 17:18

I feel really sorry for him and get the impression you'd like him to just disappear. I think you're being massively unreasonable.

TacoLover · 19/01/2019 17:18

And he only comes on the weekends presumably because he works?? When else do you expect him to come down? Or would you prefer that he doesn't come to see her then? I'm sure if he did that you'd be complaining about that too.

SpaceCadet4000 · 19/01/2019 17:18

Just talk to him:

"Hey DD's BF, we know this must be a tough situation for you and think it's great that you're visiting DD. We haven't found this easy either, so we would appreciate it if you could help out a little when you visit by keeping your things and maybe you and DD could get your own food/cook meals. It would help us out and may help get DD back into the routine of self-care."

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/01/2019 17:19

Is there any reason she can't go back to their flat for the weekend?

You need space, I get that but what is he meant to do? If she can't go to their flat, he's got to come to you because that's where she is. He's her partner.

TheRealShatParp · 19/01/2019 17:21

Elvis86 made some really valid points.
I don’t think he’s being a CF. Your daughters bf is just following suit by the sounds of it.

RainbowWaffles · 19/01/2019 17:22

Sounds like you just don’t like him to be honest. It doesn’t seem like he is anymore in the way than DD is. He moved hours away with her for work and she has left, perhaps he should spend weekends in his own home alone as I presume he moved away from his own friends and family to be with her. He visits her every weekend, unless your DD has indicated that she doesn’t want this, I would have thought koi would have supported this bearing in mind how fragile she is. You say your daughter is a young adult in need of support and away from home for the first time etc, doesn’t this also apply to him? He has had the added bonus of having the girlfriend he move in with leave to go back to her parents. Is your DD considered a CF when she does the things mentioned (it’s very clear they do most of them together) or is it just him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2019 17:23

It sounds as your dd is or at least has been very ill. What is the plan? Does the therapist think your dd will be ready to start visiting her bf at the weekend?

As for being in the way, stuff dumped in the way, eating your food etc. It’s probably time to set ground rules that your dd adheres to as well as the bf.

Aridane · 19/01/2019 17:25

YABU

Hogtini · 19/01/2019 17:27

Can't you just say little things to him like 'oh, X would you mind just popping that in the dishwasher please?' etc etcc, don't be a martyr.
Why don't you and you DH go out on the weekends/suggest takeaway/ask them to help you prep? You know she's safe there with him so it'd do you all good to have a break if you went out. I imagine your dd's bf works all week and sees to chores in their house so the weekend is his only downtime too. If it's doing your daughter good when he comes then I really think you need to just let it go. I really can't see what extra mess their can be other than an extra cup/plate though?

EduCated · 19/01/2019 17:29

Sorry, but I think YABU too. How often do you think he should be allowed to see his partner? They were living together, and he uprooted for her, they’re not teenagers you get to put your foot down with.

Gitfeatures · 19/01/2019 17:31

It sounds like he can do no right and she can do no wrong.

Be very careful that you don't make the 'sick role' the most comfortable option. for her.

Playmysong · 19/01/2019 17:33

I agree, you need to set some ground rules.
All clothes and shoes to be kept in dds room.
They lean up after themselves.
You will keep quiet until 11.00 and then the vacuum cleaner etc. will be on.
They take responsibility for making at least one meal each weekend (buying and cooking food).

I do think that if you want to suppport your daughter through her MH problems you have to allow her bf to stay. It is probably very difficult for him as well.

Hope your daughter’s health improves soon. Flowers

UnicornSlaughters · 19/01/2019 17:37

What @Gitfeatures said. Every word.

Wishiwasincornwall · 19/01/2019 17:39

If your main issue is not having time alone with your DH at weekends and seeing as you are helping fund the new flat anyway I would just pack up and have a lovely weekend away with hubby at their flat. Grin

FrancisCrawford · 19/01/2019 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinydancer88 · 19/01/2019 17:40

It sounds like the best option is she goes home with him at the weekend and stays with you in the week.

Ginnymweasley · 19/01/2019 17:40

If he didn't come on a weekend I'm presuming he wouldn't see her? How would that effect your dd's mental health?
He's an adult so ask him to move his shoes etc. But put yourself in his place, he has moved away from his family to be with his gf, she then moves back to her parents for an indefinite amount of time. That has to be tough. Many young men wouldn't stick around.

swingofthings · 19/01/2019 17:45

How many months are we talking? Sounds like part of her rehabilitation would be encouraging her to go to him at the weekends, at least every other weekend.