Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

[WhiningweeWitch]

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

It's not helping her to enable her to check out of her life with her partner and to baby her. He sounds lovely and supportive. How old is she? How long has she been unwell and what's the prognosis? Sounds like she's moved home indefinitely and needs encouraging to start being self sufficient again. Is she so ill that she can't shop, cook or do housework?

Do you not like him? Wondered why you only trip over his shoes and no one else's.

pinkrednose to be fair he may be a professional clown

I think you are being unreasonable blaming just him. He's coming to see your dd. I'm sure she's as capable of helping with the clearing up and cooking a dinner as he is. It should be a joint effort and at their age they shouldn't have to be told, but if you continue to enable their behaviour then of course they will take advantage. Knock on the bedroom door when you want them up and throw them a duster, sweeping brush and tell them what needs doing. Don't cook for them unless they cook a day too (and pay for the ingredients.) You are entitled to lay down the rules in your own house! Why does she not go back to their house for a weekend? After months off and being on meds is she showing any signs of improvement? Should she look for work nearer home if her issue is the actual job and being homesick?

I think its weird she has come home for months! Surely a few weeks then she needs to get back to her real life with her bf

He's your dad's guest so it's her responsibility to decide how often he is invited. If she can't go to him then him coming to stay is inevitable.

I don't understand. You say he's only there at weekends, but if he works, when is he supposed to come otherwise? YABVU to have facilitated her moving home (not a week to have a rest or some company, let's be honest) and not accepting her boyfriend as part of the package. Apart from his shoes, your major gripe seems to be his mere presence in the house, this isn't fair. You have to choose, either make more of an effort to support your daughter towards living an independent life with her partner, or put up with his weekend visits.

Can't you just talk to him like a pair of adults? If you've never set any house rules, how can you really expect him to know what you expect from him? Maybe he's desperately trying to stay out of your way when he is there and that's why he's not wandering around your house cooking and cleaning - he's probably taking the lead from your DD, who is obviously being a bit of a mooch herself (with reason, and facilitated by you of course).

If, once you've spoken to him and told him it would help if he could buy and cook food and clean up for himself and your daughter when he is here, he still decides not to do it, THEN he is being a CF. But right now, he seems to just be trying to be as passive as possible, which you have already said you believe is the best thing for your daughter.

Long-term though, I don't think you are doing your daughter any favours by letting her sleep all day and absolve her of all responsibilities - that's not the way to better mental health in my experience.

Also what is WB is it well being? Does she have MH issues really, or what? Well being issues doesn't seem something diagnosable. Surely this is not an ongoing situation, and she's going to move out soon? Or have some treatment?

Imagine your fury if your DD followed her BF to a new city, found work and set up home just to be with him...then he buggered off back home to his parents because he was homesick. Her poor boyfriend!

And now on top of that he has you being irritated by his very presence whilst trying to maintain his relationship with your daughter. Poor guy.

They are not CFs.
But they are BOTH slobs. They just sound immature. They could well do with basic manners such as getting their own food and clearing their own mess.
That goes for BOTH of them. Maybe you need to encourage them both to pop out and about a little on the weekends.

Reading through your post op the only actual problem and a tiny one at that seems to be his shoes..... Your making a mountain out of a molehill. He's there 2 days so he can see his gf who you say is having mental health issues to support her. Seriously..... 2 whole days. To me it sounds like your looking for things to complain about.

I think it's odd your dd has come home. How else is he supposed to see her apart from at weekends?
You sound very resentful and thia wasn't the lifestyle you signed up for when she moved away. However for the relationship to work they need to see each other. Being homesick will only be made worse by returning home all the time.

So your dd can lie about in bed, contribute nothing, make a mess, eat your food...but if he leaves his shoes in the way it’s a dreadful crime and he’s taking the piss. Okay.
You don’t like him of course.

I think it’s time for your dd to go back to her adult life, don’t you?

Stop cooking at the weekends and getting food in. No more Sunday lunches. You and DH go out together. Your daughter is an adult now and has a partner. Support her by all means but allowing her to check out from being an adult indefinitely is not helping. Ask if she can go up to see him every other weekend so at least you get two quiet weekends. As for paying her bills indefinitely, I am not sure what incentive she has to make a decision on how she intends to move forward. If she is turning to her parents rather than her partner does she no longer want to be with him? Is she going to look for a new job in her home town perhaps with less stress if she does not cope well with that.? Is she undergoing any therapy?

Are you involved in some kind of family therapy, OP? It is very hard to judge the nature of your dd's problems, but it just does not sound healthy or curative for her to slob around your house for months on end.

It might be better if she went back to their house at weekends?

It’s a shitfest from his POV really. His gf has disappeared back home to mummy for months now, leaving him alone in the home they moved into together all week, while he’s got to make the weekend trip to see her at her parents’ place two fecking hours away!

At the very least, why is she not going to see him some weekends?
I know you’ve got him pegged as some cocklodging cuckoo in your nest but the truth is, he has got the shitty end of the stick by a long chalk. I have no idea why he’s still hanging on in there!

I'm not much older than what I presume your DD is - in fact, probably around the same age. I too live with my boyfriend in a rented flat. One year into my job, which I moved far away from my family for, I started having panic attacks and was barely able to function. I thought about killing myself everyday. My parents were unsupportive and I wasn't able to have the luxury of signing off sick, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to afford my flat. My boyfriend's parents are not financially well off and couldn't have helped either. Luckily my boss allowed me to work from home until I was back on my feet, but it was long, long year of meds, therapy and doctor's appointments slotted in around my work schedule and other commitments. Today, I am fine and living life to the full.

My point being, stop coddling your daughter now. It's wonderful that she's had time to come home and recuperate a bit, and you sound like a wonderfully doting parent, but you're doing her no favours by letting her stay there indefinitely. The best way to get back on your feet is to get back into real life, and I really think she needs that.

The situation would drive me mad too OP. And it can’t be healthy for them to lie in bed all day ... it sounds as they have just got comfortable in your house and it’s an ‘easy’ way of life of them both. Another reason why I am quite strict about my ‘no sleeping over’ rules for my teen’s GF ..... not that he’s ever asked, he knows the rules.

Is the BF really supporting her or just coming to stay for the weekend (having sex? ) & enjoy your hospitality?

Maybe have it’s time to have a frank conversation with your DD, if she gets homesick does she need to look for a job & flat nearer home?

Have you put in any steps to help your dd move back to her home? I'm not sure how moving back with you for months will help anything tbh if you're not helping her find ways of moving herself back gradually.

I hate the suggestions that the OP should go out to eat, surely most of us want access to our kitchens and maybe enjoy the time to cook a nice meal at weekends, I would hate to be expected to go out to eat just to allow the youngsters to get comfortable in my house, and who can afford to eat out all the time?

MHWB = MH And well being

They are both in their 20s. But he’s a good few years older than she is.

She moved back with us because she was so ill she couldn’t really be left on her own at all and he is out at work all day. Her sleeping and lack of function are down to her MH issues I’m afraid as she’s been so ill that just ‘being’ and ‘breathing’ has been difficult. I sincerely hope that no one ever feels like that in their life!

We are all working on getting her back to a place where she can start looking after herself. Isn’t that a parent’s role?

I know it’s only two days a week that he’s here but it’s been every weekend for months and I get that he’s supportive and this is tough for him, but, it feels like it’s just too much just now especially as there’s a lack of him pitching in and pulling his weight around here.

The clown shoes comment made me laugh!

Thanks for the advice - I’ll take it all on board

Is she recieving treatment, counselling etc?

Have you talked to him about this? To me, it sounds like there are mismatched expectations here. He seems to be regarding it a bit like "coming home to Mum and Dads", while you are looking at it like "weekend guest". It sounds like an honest conversation about expectations might solve a lot of the problem to me.