Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

[WhiningweeWitch]

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

I think that, given your DD's mental health issues and it sounds like he is providing support to her, I would cut him some slack. It must be tough for him too. Maybe have a quiet word with your DD about both of them helping out more.

I agree with PP who are thinking about what your daughter's boyfriend does contribute towards their shared home/bills and their relationship. I understand that your daughter is not very well but it sounds like it is very unbalanced and that her boyfriend is contributing and compromising an awful lot and without getting all the good bits being in a relationship offers. I honestly think I'd be feeling thankful that my child had such a supportive partner. It's up to your daughter to introduce or explain the rules of your house but to be honest it sounds like she doesn't follow or respect them either so I'm not sure how her boyfriend is supposed to? I hope your daughter feels better and is back on her feet soon.

Is MHWB mental health and well being?

I agree with the poster above that he is being very supportive in spending the weekends with your dd.
However by the tone of your post I think you would be happier if he didn't come and your daughter moved back home with you permanently.
I actually do think there is something wrong with an adult stepping away from their life. If I was ill I would be looking to my dp as my main support. I am incredibly close to my parents too.
Can you support her in her own home? Can she spend the week with you (if it's necessary) and then go home at the weekend? It doesn't sound like she needs medical assistance so I am sure her dp can cope.
My honest thought is that you are projecting but you won't like to hear that.

It sounds a little as though the boyfriend was already prone to letting others take care of him and your frustration is not so much your daughters need for support, but his presentation of entitlement when he gets to your house. Has your DD moved back to yours because she needs a break from supporting her BF? You haven't mentioned how old they both are but given your comments about first time away from home I'm assuming late teens early 20s? Where are BFs parents and does he not spend time with them?

How are you talking to your DD about her well being and this difficulty she has experienced as the living at yours and time off work are going to make the return back quite a challenge. What did your DD used to do in the home when she did live with you? It makes sense that she would find a routine for herself around some household chores and exercise but if she never did this when she lived at home that might be a challenge to introduce under the circumstances.

The staying in and sleeping all day would be a concern for me - they are instinctive behaviours when unwell but not necessarily helpful. Is that the pattern during the week too? What is the plan going forward are you having those discussions with yr daughter? Although she is signed off is there any offer of talking therapies or other forms of support available in your area? which GP is she using for her care as that might be important in terms of what additional help she can access.

Sounds like you don't like him.
Sorry but if he is a cf so is your daughter.
I'm assuming your daughter would be upset if he didn't visit her and as you say it is her home where do you expect him to stay? You can't expect him to do day visits if it's a 4 hour plus round trip

Have you tried actually talking to him about it? For example asking him not to leave his shoes in the way.

The trouble is she's not just your daughter nowadays, she's also someone else's live in partner, so having her come home will bring other issues which will include her partner visiting and your space invaded.. I think you need to have a chat with HER about it and what you expect from them when she has guests. I was going to suggest you ask for a contribution from them for food, but if you're already paying their bills it seems a bit pointless! Perhaps tell them you expect THEM to cook on Saturdays for all of you, or send them out with a list for a top up shop. Help her ease back into real life too?

Totally agree with Gumps.

If the imminent MH crisis is over and you think your daughter is up to a conversation about how her and bf behave around your house / establishing cooking rotas etc, surely she's up to moving back to her own home?

Unless she doesn't want to live there any more. But she needs to be honest about that and not hide behind her mental health issues at your house indefinitely, leaving her boyfriend hanging.

You're pussy-footing around your daughter and projecting your frustration with the situation onto the boyfriend.

Just to clarify a couple of points.

1. She is the main breadwinner and pays most of their household bills atm

1. If/when she cannot do this due to sickness we have made it clear that we will contribute to their household costs on her behalf so he will not be out of pocket

1. I acknowledge he’s supportive of her, but, he is only ever really here with her at the weekends

If he’s not exactly a CF, he’s definitely a bit of a TF (thoughtless fucker ).

If I were you, at least just for a few weekends, I’d get out of the house and leave them to it for as much time as you can with DH. They’re so used to you catering for them, they’ve got into the bad habit now. Don’t even be there on Sunday and don’t cook them a lovely meal ffs.

I acknowledge he’s supportive of her, but, he is only ever really here with her at the weekends
presumably because he works.

A few months is 'moving back home'.

It's far too long to enable someone who you say is 'homesick'.

There's just not enough clarity. If she can't live away yet then she needs to give up job and flat and move closer. I don't think it's sensible her living at home.

I don't think he is being a CF tbh. Your DD moved back home and you've facilitated that. When else is he meant to see her or spend time with her? It would be odd if he visited to spend time with your DD but then spent the time paying for meals for you and your DH, and tidying up after your DD and himself when presumably your DD isn't tidying up after herself for the rest of the week.
It's not an ideal situation but that can't be helped. As a PP said, most people who had moved in with a partner would cope with their health issues in their own home with their partner. Your DD has chosen to come home. Maintaining any type of relationship is going to be difficult for her and her bf in those circumstances. I think my priority would be enabling them to continue the relationship rather than complaining about it. Unless, of course, you dislike the bf and had hoped that your DD returning home would end the relationship?

I can understand your frustration to a certain point op but I don't think this can be much fun for your DD's boyfriend either. And it could be that he's struggling financially now he's having to manage on just his wages. I wouldn't worry about the shoes in the hallway and just be glad that he was being so supportive to my daughter if I were you.

Of course, he's only with her at weekends. Do you expect him to do a full days work and drive a couple of hours to see her, then leave very early in the morning to go to work?

Maybe long term they both need to look for jobs and accommodation closer.

Are you really doing her a favour by letting her stay at your house ? She is avoiding her responsibility to live and work with her partner in her chosen town. If this is not what she wants, she needs to find accommodation and work somewhere else. Some people don't have the luxury of living with their parents at every life ' issue' that occurs. I would start asking her when she is going back to her house, with a deadline. How long has she been off work ? How long will she receive full or half sick pay for ? They should also be food shopping, cooking, takeway or eating out & clearing up. You are being too kind !

You are paying her bills !?! Why that's what sick pay is for or she goes back to work. Stop ! She currently has zero incentive to go back to work. Can she do a staggered return to work, where the hours are increased gradually. Work is not just about money, it's about social interaction, routine, learning new things, having a laugh with your colleagues....

Up thread I suggested she go back to their home for the weekend, so they could spend some together there. This would leave you with the free weekends. Could she see this as a stepping stone towards her recovery.

Sorry, I may have missed it - only seeing young adults, but how old are they?

Do you like him?

Sounds like normal you g adults but time to set so e boundaries like how many weekends a month he is welcome, not cooking for them and some contributions for food.

It's tricky when you have adult children living at home.

Both my siblings moved their partners into my parents' home at one point or another, and it was very tricky without ground rules.

Them eating all your food = no. Give them a space in the fridge concomitant with their needs for the weekend and your DD's for the week. Your DD should be paying for her own food, and he should be paying for his. Your DD should not be paying all household bills in a house in which she is not staying at the moment - or at least no more than half of them! Her BF should be covering these.
Staying in all weekend - fine, but not occupying the main living areas at all times. Keep all their stuff (including shoes) in her bedroom.

DO NOT COOK FOR THEM all the time. One off, maybe - but mostly let them be self-sufficient, AND they should clear up after themselves.

Of course you want to do what is best for your DD but in all honesty, she needs to be encouraged to get over her homesickness and return to both her job and her home, with the BF (or without if she decides he's not worth it). I don't know what MHWB stands for either in this context but cosseting her and allowing her to get away with being a child of the house again, with no responsibilities to the running of said household, is not necessarily going to be the best option for her.

You need to remember that they are both adults and that they should behave like adults in your home, not children. Explain this to them both - get them both to take responsibility for their actions and do better.

How old is your daughter op? I appreciate mh issues are horrible, but to be blunt, your daughter will never learn to cope with homesickness if she never leaves home. If you don't mind that, that's fine, but shouldn't you either be encouraging her to go back to her home at weekends as a step towards recovery, or else discuss her perhaps changing jobs and living near you. I think her boyfriend is showing a lot of love and dedication. Presumably he is working all week, so not unreasonably sees his weekend as down time. If he's doing things that are annoying you, tell him. A lot of young men would have given up on this situation. I think he is showing maturity and understanding.

Sounds like he's being supportive of your daughter. He could be out partying with his mates, but he wants to be with your daughter, which is to his credit. I'd cut him some slack on the bills front, but no need to cook and clean for them surely. They are adults.

I think it's time your daughter went back to her own home. She's an adult and needs to learn how to manage. Holing up with mum and dad isn't helping her independence.