Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

[WhiningweeWitch]

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

Blueink

supportive is not the same as agreeing.

Neither is picking holes in the Op's own relationship with her daughter or questioning her parenting for helping an adult daughter in serious need of some support. Some responses in this regard were sickening and beyond unkind.

This
"Why can’t they slob around sleeping all day in their own house?"

They both sound like they are taking the mick!

Maybe getting up and having a walk might help them both. Perhaps the boyfriend could be encouraged to actually do something rather than be a slob whilst his gf is ill? The less people do the less they often want to do, it spirals down and down and the parents appear to be doing all the donkey work. Where does helping out tip over into enabling.

My response is based on the original post - I hadn't read the additional information gradually provided over the subsequent pages.

BF might be deemed to be actually quite supportive since he moved to be with her - she gets homesick then ill and moves back, he works away all week then makes a big drive to spend time with her every weekend and so naturally tired and perhaps she wants to spend time in bed and so he feels best placed to support her in her bedroom... who knows ask your daughter what she thinks

It sounds to me as if they are falling over each other at weekends; in order to accommodate children and their partners, you need space so they can have their own sitting room & bathroom as well as bedroom. I can understand how the op feels, it's one thing having your child staying with you but quite another to have someone unrelated - it's awkward. For a start, you have to be properly dressed all the time, you may not even be able to have some conversations in front of them.

I'd do it only if I had a big house.

Please op do try to clear a space for yourself and your husband so you can talk as you wish and go out or away for the odd night here and there. If boyfriend is with your daughter you do at least know she'll be cared for.

Also suggest that she returns to her own house to be with him sometimes, it will be good for her and him. It must be awkward for him, only his devotion to your girl makes him do it (which is a good thing).

I don't get the impression the op doesn't like the boyfriend, just that they are not relaxed and the fact that it is every weekend. It's not good for the mental health of the op and her husband, sooner or letter someone will blow a gasket.

Please do come back, op, and tell us how things are getting on.

no matter how ill i was i wouldnt move back home for starters if i had to id definately contribute to everything cooking cleaning utilities water etc they are treating youre place like a hotel put youre foot down dont do anything for them dont cook clean etc you are not their slave also to me they are both being a bit discrespectful .

It's great you're supporting your daughter, and you can still have boundaries...suggesting that in a calm, no pressure way you start getting your daughter/boyfriend to help out a little. It's not bad from a mental health perspective that's healthy and will support her recovery, it does noone any good to be pressured but equally living in your house and contributing nothing (help not necessarily £) can conversely add to her feeling rubbish. Start light ie something small, say thanks, no big fuss etc. If she's clinically depressed and can't move clearly this isn't applicable but if she's up and about anyway a couple of very small tasks will help everyone. The boyfriend is well so he can do a regular amount e g his laundry, clean their room etc. One of the aspects depression takes from a person is a sense of 'mastery' or purpose, the ability to make a difference however small is hugely important in recovery...when I had pnd I'd make sure I got out of the house to get something done, however small e.g post a letter. This isn't recovery overnight but stuff like that was really important...

Maybe he can just stay over one day. Friday to Saturday and pay for their own meals and sundries. Also, he should have been able to go to the ATM by now. Make Sure he reimburses you for that dinner out

So the BF loves with your daughter to another city. For her.

She then gets sick and loves home.

He works all week and then drives to see her (in her parents house) at the weekend.

And you’re bitching because he eats your food?

He’s a guest in your home. Your DD would ordinarily do the ‘hosting’ but she is sick and can’t do it.

SushiMonster, it's not about that really, it's about the intrusion every flipping weekend. I can understand how the op feels.

Cept as another poster pointed out, OP,says DD cannot ever be left alone. So having BF round 24/7 at the weekend actually gives OP some time back

Having experienced MH issues on and off since childhood and watched my children (now adults) struggle with depression and severe anxiety both long and short term, I feel nothing but admiration for families doing whatever they can to support their loved ones who may be struggling with such issues. My own parents and siblings were of the 'snap out of it' school of thinking, empathy was a quality they were definitely lacking.

The OP must have hoped for and I think deserved a little empathy, as well as suggestions on how to tackle an obviously delicate situation, borne of understandable frustration with someone who could be a little more thoughtful towards his hosts each weekend.

Their daughter is blessed with parents who will no doubt see her through the worst days of her life, so she can rebuild her confidence as she goes forward. I don't think suggesting her boyfriend could be a little more proactive is asking too much.

As for MH help and support from the NHS, it's practically non existent in our area. Unless you are able to pay out for private talking therapy sessions, as we have had to do for our children in the past (they have continued but fund the sessions themselves now), your only short term option is medications prescribed by your GP and if you're lucky you might be offered an online therapy course, where you fill out forms and tick boxes but don't actually get to speak to anyone directly. You can request to be signed up for a group session but that takes months. The Cognitive Behaviour Therapy 1 on 1 sessions on the NHS are like gold dust and can take 6 months to a year to arrange. You also have to bear in mind that not everyone in the grip of a debilitating depression will feel able to attend therapy sessions outside their home, opening up to a stranger thoughts they often can't face or admit to themselves.

All I can suggest is having a quiet chat with her bf, if you feel this can be achieved without him running back to your daughter complaining about you raising the subject of him possibly contributing to food bill and becoming more proactive with getting her out for short walks to start, or even a quiet drive and perhaps preparing the odd meal even just for themselves.

I know it's probably baby steps at this point and I know you're probably second guessing everything you say, but every step forward is one more in the right direction.

I don't think it's possible to understand how utterly exhausting and emotional it is to support your children of whatever age through depression, until you've been there. For me, it is a far greater challenge that it has been dealing with my own demons for 50+ years.

If often think that parents, partners or children of people with MH challenges are equally in need of therapy and support at times. I wish you only good things and that your DD's partner is able to see that you all want what's best for your DD and can work together to better support each other in this.