Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd’s Bf being a Cf?

287 replies

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 13:04

In short, Dd left home a year ago to live and work in another city a couple of hours drive away. Her longterm bf went with her, he got a job there, they secured a lovely home in a great area. All fine and dandy.

Now, though, she’s unwell with MHWB issues (she was very homesick, having issues with the new job) so is on meds and signed off work by GP and has been back staying with us for a few months to get back on her feet. Her bf is still living in their home. But, almost every weekend he comes to stay with us.

This is the problem as I’m really beginning to feel that our personal space is being invaded and it’s building my resentment.

Dd’s bf typically arrives on a Friday evening, then they rarely go over the door all weekend, they sleep in until the afternoon (I understand her sleep patterns are a mess because of her MHWB and meds), they both hang out around the house having late brunch, drinking tea and coffee, eating our food all Saturday and Sunday until he goes home late on Sunday evening.

DH and I are rarely getting any time to ourselves at the weekend (we both work ft in stressful jobs) as we end up catering for Dd and bf - getting food shopping in for the weekend, making all the main meals including Sunday dinners.

The house is a mess, I’m tripping over dd’s bf’s shoes that he dumps in the hallway when he arrives, I can’t get on with my weekend housework as they’re either sleeping or sitting around and in the way.

They invited us out for dinner a few weeks ago, dh and I were delighted but at the end of the meal we ended up paying the bill as Dd and Bf hadnt been to cash machine yet.

Bf never puts his hands in his pocket, never contributes.

Aibu to be thinking Dd’s Bf is being a complete cf? Or AIBU because Dd is unwell and needs support - which means me biting my tongue and letting this it go? She cannot take any stress or conflict atm and we are walking in eggshells to ensure she is stable.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 19/01/2019 17:53

I think as it’s a serious relationship it’s not unreasonable of him to want to visit her every weekend. He’s probably taking your daughters lead in terms of staying at home while he’s there.

It is a bit cheeky expecting to be fed for free all the time, if he was at home he would have to provide meals for himself. Is he worse off financially while she has been unwell?

SecretMillionaire · 19/01/2019 17:54

You are doing what you feel is best for your dd and there is nothing wrong with that. Her bf is doing what he thinks is best too, everyone is putting her needs first.

You don’t appear to have any consideration for the impact on her bf for moving from what he knew to follow her, be left alone in a new environment very shortly thereafter, working full time and using his rest days to travel for four hours to and from a home where he is unwelcome out of love for your dd. He sounds very supportive and YABVU.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/01/2019 18:03

I think that he loves your daughter very much.Cut him some slack whilst this situation is going on....he deserves a medal for trying to stand by her and support her as best he can...Presumably they had a very good relationship prior to this ..as hard as it is on you ,,,he has lost his partner too,(for whatever reasons she has upped sticks ,,left him and taken to her bed at your house for months,, ,)and is coming to terms with the situation....He seems like he can;t win what ever he does....I would be speaking to your daughter and try to find out if she intends to continue this relationship cos if she does she needs to be going home with him and finding help and support and guidance at home with him as an adult.

Loanhelp · 19/01/2019 18:05

As someone who moved away from home, and who's husband has severe mental health issues, allowing her to languish in bed achieves nothing, especially for home sickness. I'm your daughters age, and my mum wouldn't have me back, homesickness isn't cured by going back home. You need to make steps towards getting her back on her feet. You are coddling her.
I would be heartbroken if my husband did this to me, moreso if my seeing him was really begrudged by his mum.

mywigwamneedsnewflaps · 19/01/2019 18:11

From reading this it seems that your DD MH and well being has facilitated you to move her back home where you are Delighted to have her firmly back in the nest , looking after her which is exactly the outcome you wanted only her DBf tags along every weekend too and you don't like him much so want to get shot of him and just keep your daughter in your home.

Honestly you are really UABU , when I started reading this I expected she ( they ) were teenagers but you say they are in their 20's so time you cut the apron strings and allowed her to live more of an independent life , what you are doing is just feeding her insecurities , she needs to be allowed to grow up

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2019 18:12

Dh works shifts so he is around at different times during the day and I’m home in evenings

So that's why you don't see each other in the week. Hardly the BF's fault is it?

GalacticChickenShit · 19/01/2019 18:13

What has she actually been diagnosed with? I don't think 'homesickness' is in the ICD-10
Has she got prior MH problems?

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/01/2019 18:28

Could they at least go out somewhere together locally at the weekends? When I was depressed this helped, though it didnt seem to at the time I found that not long after I could retrospectively enjoy it IYSWIM

FuckCalmRhageOn · 19/01/2019 18:37

What are her MH issues - the term covers a broad range of things.

You get very defensive when people point out some fairly obvious things. Wrapping her up in cotton wool isn't helping her. It's enabling her MH to control her life. She needs to be working on normality and routine. It's great to support her, but not great when that support isn't actually helping the illness, only making it worse.

We all need a gentle push sometimes. This is her time.

As for the BF - set rules for your home. Same for your DD too.

Oh and I'd be thankful someone would uproot their life, move far away and stick around through hard times. Your dd has someone who is clearly devoted to her. If him being there is getting too much.... Tell your dd to make an effort to go see him!!!

2K19 · 19/01/2019 19:13

She needs routine and responsibility. perhaps too much cotton wool and a soft landing have made her smothered and lazy. Get her to travel to her own home every other weekend for a change of scenery and some fresh air so she feels more involved in the world around her.

GrapesAndCheese · 19/01/2019 19:37

Blimey OP.. empty nest syndrome much?
My DM is like you with my DSis. Hated every boyfriend she ever had and would pin all my Dsis' faults on them. She could do no wrong and the bfs were always bad eggs in her eyes.
DSis still lives at home even though she's in her 30s and has really poor social skills and can't hold on to a job or friendships.

Also agree totally with @Gitfeatures.

Sn0wscary8 · 19/01/2019 19:58

She cannot be homesick, because she has been 'at home's for it seems some time, with what seems little improvement. Therefore there must be something else going on. You paying her bills for a house that she doesn't live in is not helping her take responsibility. How long are you going to let this continue ? It would be better to spend the money on some therapy

Consolidatedyourloins · 19/01/2019 20:03

I suspect he likes being at OP's because of the free cooked meals.

For a man in his late 20s not to even offer to go to the shop and bring some groceries or to tidy up his mess is dire, I can't believe all the people making excuses for him.

Pumpkintopf · 19/01/2019 20:27

Does your dd want him to come every weekend?

Could she go to her own home to see him some weekends as he's around for the company she needs?

I think you should feel able to get on with your housework whenever suits you, it's your home not a hotel.

Schuyler · 19/01/2019 20:44

Poor guy, he’s done a lot for your daughter and has showed so much commitment. Give him a break.
I agree with others, you need to set ground rules for them both in terms of keeping tidy and helping out. I do feel you are picking on him a bit though.

pollyglot · 19/01/2019 21:49

As wigwam says above, I too thought that she was maybe 18. She's in her 20s, has a devoted partner and her own home/adult life, and still regards mum and dad's place as "home"?? She lives only a couple of hours away! If there are other MH issues, other than work and homesickness, then ongoing therapy is urgently needed to avoid this becoming habitual. I'm not at all unsympathetic about the MH issues, as I had a couple of months off work with a "breakdown" years ago, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The bf sounds lovely, if a bit thoughtless. But then, maybe he's taking his lead from her entitled attitude. As others have pointed out, his life has been completely turned upside down and the disruptions caused by your daughter's ill-health impact on him far more than on you.

Drum2018 · 19/01/2019 22:06

I wonder how you would be if he was her husband? Would you still encourage her to live at home with you? Fair enough he needed respite, but did he need months of respite? Have you all sat down together to discuss future plans at all since she moved home? You have not answered the many questions regarding the possibility of her going to their home every weekend instead of him coming to your house.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/01/2019 23:19

From what I remember of my 20s it was a fairly carefree, “work hard play hard” time of my life. Me and Dh spent a lot of time having noisy sex on the hall floor, going out, lying in and generally enjoying ourselves.

That is presumably the life that your dd’s boyfriend could be having. Instead he is coming to visit your dd every weekend.

Not wanting to cast aspersions on your cooking (I’m sure it is lovely!) but a few free home cooked meals would not be enough to make it worth him sacrificing his twenties and coming to yours. (Aside from anything else the cost to him in petrol is probably more than the food saving!)

So he must love your dd very much.

Presumably he is good for her mental health? (Or at least him leaving her would be bad for her mental health?)

In which case Inthink you need to see him a bit like anti-depressants. Yes - there are some side effects - but they are worth it for the help to your dd’s health.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try and limit the side effects though.....

Make a dedicated space for his shoes.
Encourage the two of them to go on a “date night” on a Saturday night. (Even if you have to organise it, book it, pay for it and drive them there and back.) Aside from the fact that it means you and your husband can have sex on your (shoe free!) hall floor in the mean time it is also undoubtedly good for dd’s MH to start doing more “normal life” stuff.
Following on from that start encouraging a “weekend away” at their flat (again even if you have to drive your dd there and back).
Suggest to your dd that she and her bf cook lunch one day each weekend. Again you can make this easy to start with by providing all ingredients for some pasta (or whatever your “easy go to” meal is) but in time hopefully they will work it out for themselves.

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 23:23

The mh issues have been exacerbated by the job and isolation of being away from friends and family. He doesn’t feel the isolation so much and enjoys his job.
She came here so that she could get private counselling as the NHS waiting list is months and months where they live and we all agreed it was the best course of action rather than staying at home and waiting so long for therapy. We did discuss her going home at the weekends but it’s just evolved into them both being here much more often. I recognise he’s being very supportive of her and he’s always been very welcome here.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 19/01/2019 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2019 23:33

he’s always been very welcome here

Except he's not is he?

I can really imagine it's irritating for you op but your dd isn't a child any more and isn't in your control.

Tell him to put his shoes away and tell both of them to pull their weight at weekends. BOTH OF THEM

WhiningweeWitch · 19/01/2019 23:35

Elvis86
Sorry but I’m finding your replies are really hurtful and what you’re saying not the case at all.

OP posts:
OrigamiZoo · 19/01/2019 23:36

It is easy to be supportive when you are being cooked for and waited on hand and foot. Would he manage the look after his GF at their own home, bring in a wage and take care of her and the house then?

They are both adults and have lived on their own must know that food had to be brought and cooked and chores done. You are enabling all this. Your daughter needs to regain some independence and her BF needs some grace and manners to help her and help you not just sitting around drinking coffee.

They are taking the piss and you are letting them.

elvis86 · 19/01/2019 23:43

WhiningweeWitch - you asked if YWBU.

YABVU.

Alaria44 · 19/01/2019 23:48

elvis86 is bang on Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread