To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

Oops, somehow managed to miss that you're already on there!

Winning proposals is all about how you and when you apply. Plus having a good profile.

Again ‘he says the job is worth it’. Weird language unless you have no opinion or voice. What do you think?

I would focus on trying to build a working from home business. You would net more income using your skills than an entry level nwm job out the home, and once your kids are older you could apply for higher paid skilled employment. It would also work best with your disabilities, and would be more satisfying work.

Could you design websites for companies?

And re-do/ improve existing websites? Make a good website for yourself, then email companies offering your services. Find out what competitors charge and undercut at first, then raise prices once you have recent experience and are up to speed.

In honesty I think your whole family will find life harder if you get a FT low paid job outside the home, yes it's good if you can earn money but why not try to build a good business that takes account of your disabilities and family set up rather than rushing into a job that will leave you exhausted and stressed and upset your family routine?

I don't know for sure this is a wind up but I definitely suspect it may be. The OP's Stepford martyrdom is just too much to be believed, as is the DH's total dickishness. On the off chance it is real, then OP you need to stop taking what your husband says as The Way Things Are. Question him, for God's sake, challenge him!

"Can't you get a similar job closer to home?"
"The job is worth it."
"Worth it for whom? Because at this point it isn't bringing in enough money to keep the family and keeps you out of the house all hours, offers you no flexibility for childcare (planned or emergency). It is not worth it for me or for our children. If you can dictate that I must work a job that suits you rather than me (weekdays, full time) then I can dictate that you need to get a job that suits me (closer to home, more flexibility, normal commute time). Or is this a one way street?"

"A job nearer would pay less."
"Would it? Right, let's look at indeed.co.uk for a few jobs locally in the same field. What is your current salary?"

"You have to work full time in the week and bring in some money."
"OK, let's look at our budget together. What are our incoming funds and outgoing commitments? How much are we short by that is causing us to go into debt? How much do we need to meet our commitments and start filling that hole? That is the amount I need to bring in after all the additional expenses that come with working (which will vary depending on the work I find). No, show me the numbers, go through them with me like a grown up. I will not work for some arbitrary 'more', I will work as much as and in the way that fulfils the needs of our family."

He is running you by guilt tripping you and refusing to talk specifics. He is letting down your children by not caring how they are looked after or contributing to that care. He is NOT a wonderful man. And you are a bloody doormat.

What astonishes me is that someone who clearly loves her kids and has committed the last 12 years to their welfare is willing to throw them under the bus for £25 a week so that her husband won't "look sad". How does his wellbeing trump theirs?

Advocate for them, if not for yourself - unless you not working has a worse outcome for them than you working, for £25 a week it's NOT WORTH IT. You could save that much by cutting a few of their clubs, which yes they would miss but it's better than having their entire lives turned over and potentially spending the whole summer holiday looking after each other just so you can fulfil a promise you made to your husband which no longer fits your circumstances.

To be honest I don't believe for a second your finances could turn on £100 a month - I think he wants you in FT work, any work, because he has decided 4 kids and a sick wife is more hassle than it's worth and is looking to skip out on you, and is hoping if you are 'in work' then he'll lose less in the divorce. That's the only reason I can think of why he would be so resistant to you working hours that fit with his to enable affordable childcare. Either that or he really is that selfish a bastard he can't be arsed to look after his own kids at the weekend/of an evening.

Watch yourself OP is all I'll say.

His job is shit. It costs a fortune in both time and money commuting. It has no flexibility whatsoever for childcare. You need tax credits to bring the salary up to a living wage. Even if a local job would pay less, he’d save money on commuting and you’d get extra tax credits. You’d be financially no worse off and he’d have extra time. He’s just comfortable there.

Chariots- I hadn’t thought of that but I guess you are right that if he earns less will get more tax credits.

Namestheyareachaning
Is that true you get more in a divorce if you’re not” in work” ?

It does cost a lot in fuel but he says the job is worth it. A local job would pay less.

He says the job is worth it. But in what way?

It might be a great job with an OK wage that is just struggling to stretch to 6 people. But he is being hugely, massively inflexible about this, and you are being ... odd about it.

I will try to be empathetic.

You are worried about your DH. He seems under massive pressure, and you are a compassionate, giving, generous person who puts themselves out for others and wants the best for her family. You trust that some money - any money - will "count" towards your DH's improved mental health. No matter the cost to your own health, you must do it, because how can you ignore his struggles? You will be the one to put yourself last, in the name of having to put your family first.

Your DH is a great husband and father but he's just a bit rigid in his thinking and finds it hard or uncomfortable to consider that his wife now has significant health needs that mean the life he thought he was building for the future now looks a lot different. He's having a mid-life crisis where all he can see is the same shit, different day and without even any money to ease the pressures of life. He doesn't want to consider leaving his job or changing his terms because it's too hard for him to confront/too difficult with the ennui he is steeped in. If you get a job then he can ignore a) his wife's poor health and what that means and b) his own job situation and feelings of powerlessness.

BUT - these can be true AND you can both still seek to agree that this is a fucking bonkers situation that you would subject your 4 DC to such upheaval for the sake of £100 a year. And look for better solutions.

You don't sound like a team. He sounds like your manager, and a poor one at that, because he's inflexible in his thinking and poor in creative problem solving skills.

A local job would pay less. Probably true.
But then commuting costs would be less. There's a saving there to offset the drop in salary.
He will be home more and be more able to help with school/activity/childcare, so that you can get a job without those costs eating into your profit.
So a big plus there (your salary) to offset the drop in income.

You're good at analysis. Make a spreadsheet for him too, to figure out what the actual cost would be of him dropping £X,000 salary but commuting decreasing by £X,000 etc and your salary increasing because you have more options.

OR - he is a massive arsehole with ulterior motives (control/future divorce/you fill in the blank) and you are a doormat.

I don't know which is true, but you might.

for the sake of £100 a year = £1,200 a year/£100 a month

Your job plans are not feasible!

How much does he spend on fuel each week? I would love to know!!

It is not worth working full time to bring in $100 a month! That is extraordinary to even consider. You and your children will be sacrificing a lot (including your physical health!) for less than £4 a day profit! How is that even going to help pull you out of financial stress.

You need to stick to school hours only. Any job or see if you can find babysitting, cleaning, ironing etc. And if that is too difficult to find then you need to find night or weekend work and your dh needs to do the childcare and housework while you're working. In the long term look at brushing up your professional skills and get yourself some freelance/ work from home business up and running.

How much are the children's clubs activities? Maybe stop them in the meantime to save money and also look at what else you can save money on while your are job hunting to buy you some time.

You should really listen to this post from @SoupOnMyTableNowSir - very good advice-

OP As someone who has a debilitating illness but nowhere near as many as you do, have you done any volunteer work recently that would help you decide if your body can physically cope?

I currently volunteer 1 day a week, I was doing 2 but it had a huge knock on effect with fatigue to the extent that it was interfering with the children who are both in secondary but need collecting from clubs etc.

It does cost a lot in fuel but he says the job is worth it. A local job would pay less.

How much does he earn and in what industry?

@Namestheyareachangin - great post with good advice.

Namestheyareachanging
Is that true you get more in a divorce if you’re not” in work” ?

Not particularly, I don't think. But if she is out of work and has been for many years due to child rearing I think there's an argument to be made her earning capacity has been sacrificed by agreement within the marriage and that needs to be accounted for when deciding who gets what. Certainly there's an impression that's the case so he may well be trying to insure himself against that by getting her back to work.

Is that true you get more in a divorce if you’re not” in work

You may get spousal maintaince if you were the main carer of the children and enabling your DH to have a high flying career.

But spousal maintaince is usually only awarded if one partner is a very high earner. otherwise you you would not get it at all (OP and her family rely on tax credits to make a living - I doubt she would qualify for spousal maintaince in thar case).

Thank you @Pumpkintopf.

My children know where to place TENs machine pads on my back

Look this could be an awful thing to say but if he was thinking about leaving you this would be the ultimate fuck over, look, she works, she doesn't need spousal maintenance.

Also it feels like he has brain washed you. His only solution to all of this is that you work, but not on an evening or a weekend, when he dictates you work.

You have offered him,
moving closer to current job - not interested
getting more local job - not interested.

If his wage dropped would you not get more benefits?

Yes things do get more expensive as children get older, he either earns more, moves, or you reduce costs with clubs etc.

I am telling you that even with small amounts of work your body is going to respond very negatively. Just be prepared for that. Yes it is shit living this way, especially with an unsupportive husband. You think he is but he isn't.

My Dh was appalled at this thread. Do not take your Dh's word about the equity in your house and what the move would cost. Do your own research. He can also ask him employer to work 1 day from home a week. It would save on travel costs. But he needs to ask, not just say no to you instantly.

Your Dh has to accept this is who you are, this is what your body is capable of. You have looked after 4 children. That is a lot.

Why are you refusing to ànswer any of the points that reflect badly on your husband.

He got promoted yet you still get tax credits? People travel 200 miles to work when they are earning decent money . You're an intelligent woman and you say your DH is open and supportive of the family yet you could sort out your overall situation together in a flash but you're point blank refusing to do it. He gets a local job, even in a shop and you will be significantly better off plus you will have so much flexibility in whatever job you decide to do. Honestly, I've never read a post where the OP comes across as so well educated and well intended but is being so completely obtuse.

@Desmondo2016 totally agree.

Rainbow bash what would you class as a high earner ?

lard I am not sure but 2 friends went through divorce last year. Both were sahms and they didn't get spousal maintaince as DH didn't earn enough. Not sure how much their DHs earned (i guess around the 45-50k bracket) but neither family was tax credit dependant so defo better off than OP.

Ok thanks rainbow bash

Any progress op?

Pumpkintopf

Loads of progress, thanks.

I spent all day locating all my old cvs and old job information and got it nearly sorted. So I have enough information to write an up to date CV.

I have filled in an 18 page form for the local school job. Which I will recheck in the morning and then email before the midday deadline.

Then I will write up a new CV and then start bidding on some free lance work and see where I get too tomorrow.

DH and me have been talking and he has agreed that he could get home twice a week to pick kids up from school if I needed him too. Which means I can look at full time job shares of 2.5 days. So that is another option.

Only big problem is that my last job, still haven't found my files yet. I am pretty sure I have a contract from that job somewhere in the house. Which I will look for tomorrow. Or else I will have no work reference :(

My friend who has a good professional job will be my personal reference.

OP see if you can find your old manager on LinkedIn as they may be willing to do a work reference for you.
I've written several references for old team members who have moved on and I've been in different jobs too, it appears to be totally acceptable to new employers to do this.