To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

DH would be taking them to their clubs

How? I thought he was out of the house for 12 hours a day?

Register with some recruitment/temp agencies, op. They are a great way to get your foot in the door.(it's how I got my last 2 jobs). I would recommend 2 or 3 full days, rather than 5 short days. I would also suggest to your DH that he puts in a request for flexible working and goes down to 4 days (and/or some working from home if poss). That way you would only need childcare for 1 or 2 days

Funny how he is suddenly willing to do all the clubs pick ups despite an enormous commute and inflexible long hours

No idea what you really wanted to achieve from this thread OP tbh but it wasn’t a job.

I will not let the 12yo watch the younger children. I knew from the start it was a stupid idea. DH just thought it would work now they are not babies, he now realises that we have to pay for childcare.

The local job will give me £500 a month for term time work. Which is time I only use as a break and to do basic housework at the moment.

DH has agreed to forgo his run which he does at the work gym, therefore he can return home an hour earlier and do the club runs, whilst I do housework and general evening stuff homework, tea, baths with the other children. We will both have to pull together at the weekend, DH agrees to this and I trust him.

I have not posted about this before. We have been fine over the last few years because we stick to a clear tight budget and plan everything.

Though we have two bank accounts for budgeting purposes. They are both joint accounts in both our names. We each have access to the funds in both accounts if needed. But I would never take money our of the house account without discussing it first, mainly because there is seldom spare money in there! He never touches the food account as he knows we have money in there most of the month but it is earmarked for food or a school trip etc.

We review all insurances etc every year. There are no more more cirners to be cut.

We can cover all the monthly basics the problem is when we get unexpected bill or breakage of a white goods machine. The extra £100 will be saved up by me and used for unexpected bills. So when the old fridge goes we can buy one straight away without getting one on credit.

I have not ruled out home working/free lance work etc. I will be applying for those too.

But if I have to work 30 hours a week for £25 in real gain, I have to suck it up and do it.

After all whatever job I get I need to cover the £200 Child Tax Credit loss, generated by getting a job in the first place...the same applies if I work from home.

So your husband was planning to work you like a dog for £25 a week, whilst he kept an hour long daily gym session going? Oh come on OP this is a wind up right?

Dogsmellssobadbob
He finally realised there is a limit in what I can do, I can't be in two different places at once.

Up to now he has pleased himself regarding what holiday time he books, when he went/returned from work and never had to think about anything child related as that was my job and I gladly coveted it all.

Because he is a good father and husband, he understands that things have to change to allow me to work. He will have to do more with the kids. He knows that his/mine holidays are going to have cover emergency inset days and the children's brace/speech therapy appointments.

He is still saying he can't take sick time off for the children but he will have to start doing it. My brother and his wife do it and they both have very good jobs.

We will have to do alternate days at home with sick child that is the only fair way to do it. Fingers crossed that we have a healthy year, so this doesn't become an issue.

BasinHaircut His work provide a free gym on site. It doesn't cost anything. They have showers too. So he runs before work or after depending on meetings etc. Now he understands that we need him home earlier, he will do it.

Dogsmellssobadbob
Being part of a family, also means doing the best thing for everyone. If DH needs me to bring this small amount of money in so much, that he is willing to take on other responsibilities in the home so I can work, I have to work.

I think you are spectacularly missing everyone’s points OP. Whether you are serious or not in your responses I don’t know, but if you are I am worried TBH.

Just because DH’s work provides a free gym doesn’t mean he gets to claim that as part of his work day and leave you to deal with his 4 children. Do you get an hour each day gym time and then opportunity for hobbies and playing computer games at the weekend?

BasinHaircut
Yes, If I feel well enough I have time atm to go for a walk/run during the day. Daytime is my evening time, where I have some stuff to do but I don't need to work flat out and I take one afternoon off to see my friend.

Up to this point, DH works full time and goes to the work gym and comes home when he like a because I am home parenting the children.

My mornings and evenings are busy (only replying on this thread as I am ill in the bathroom today) and that is my job.

During the school day I just do laundry/housework which can be moved to evenings, if DH was home to help.

Good Lord at least when DH was out of the house all hours he was flogging his guts out and the money for our futures meant missing out a bit on the dc was worth it.

Someone's living in a fantasy world 🤣🤣🤣

OMG, I just read through this thread and I am so frustrated at you and your DH. It is approximately a thousand times easier for him to find a better job closer to home than for you to find a term time only school hours job. Do you know how competitive those jobs are? They’re what everyone returning to work wants. And you’re going to add massively to your stress levels when you have an illness which stress exacerbates, for a ridiculously small amount of money.

Get on people per hour and start building a freelance CV. Take the badly paying stats and analysis jobs just so you have some recent work experience. Contact agencies about freelance work from home jobs.

Get your DH to get out of his comfort zone and get a better job closer to home. It is absolutely ridiculous to commute so far for a job that still needs tax credits to be a living wage.

'There are a lot of concerning things about your posts OP. A lot of what your husband is suggesting is very unreasonable but you don’t seem to have an opinion on it. You seem very passive and to be in his thrall, but everyone in this thread can plainly see he’s an arse.' I agree with 'TwitterlovesMapps.
You are completely blinkered by your DH and cannot see that any person who loves and cares for you as you claim he does would not be expecting you to go out and work full time with 4 children and your health issues. That is not love, wake up.

If your DH moved to a closer job, he says he'd still have to do an hour's commute on the train.

OP, that's a normal commute. Loads of people do an hour's commute and still manage to drop or pick up kids from school.

Does your school have a breakfast club? He could drop them there at 8 and still be in for 9 (or close to - could he flex his hours by 30 mins?).

Good luck with the job interview.

So if currently the daytime is your evening, once you're working when will you have any leisure time?
I know I've been a bit harsh on here but tbh you appear to have a pretty good set up, he does what he wants, you've been happy to stay home and do the kids bit (easily equivalent to a full time job). The only problem is the lack of income and possibly his resentment at what he perceives as your "not working".

Your DH sounds like a giant man child. He wants to be in the gym an hour away whilst his children are unsupervised? He wants his disabled wife to work for very little money and do all the childcare turns too. He doesn't want to take time off if his children get sick but he wants you to? It's absolutely ridiculous, sexist and controlling.

If that 10k job is in a school you cannot simply leave on the dot. It doesn't happen. What about training? What happens if a system goes down? If you are dealing with a big issue you can't just walk out.

So if currently the daytime is your evening, once you're working when will you have any leisure time?
I will get school holidays with the children, that will be my leisure time.

As you say, the competition for any school hours job is going to be fierce, I am getting the application done today to be emailed no later than Tuesday. Deadline is Wednesday and Interviews Friday, so I will find out it I have an interview or not on Thursday.

Yes, I think our setup at home has worked well for years, it is just the rising cost of everything and his wage does not go up with inflation has squeezed us. 10 years ago we were comfortable, now we just make ends meet. Something has to change.

Yes. I as soon as this application is done and I have written an up to date CV, I will be applying for other term jobs and bidding on free lance work. I Found a site that has typing work, I am a medium typist but if it is money I can earn without childcare costs then it will be worth a go.

I am also thinking (once I have an interview outfit and an up to date CV) of approaching the local big business HR departments and ask if there are any up and coming jobs which I would be suitable for....or is that not the done thing these days.

OP As someone who has a debilitating illness but nowhere near as many as you do, have you done any volunteer work recently that would help you decide if your body can physically cope?

I currently volunteer 1 day a week, I was doing 2 but it had a huge knock on effect with fatigue to the extent that it was interfering with the children who are both in secondary but need collecting from clubs etc.

I have been a SAHM for over a decade, I, like you, do all the housework in the week in school hours. But on days I am ill, I know I can just potter. The children understand my limitations as does DH.

At no stage should your Dh be encouraging to work. Yes I worked full time when I met Dh over 20 years ago. I was diagnosed, was very ill but still managed to work. Add 2 children into that and it was far more exhausting.

Like your Dh, mine is on call sometimes and cannot just leave work when he feels like it. But we knew this when he accepted the job because I am the full time childcare cover.

I feel that you are setting yourself up to fail.

Also your Dh is probably happy with that commute because he isn't having to parent, it is the same as the leisurely poos some men take.

Dh does feel the burden of being the sole earner but I would really struggle to work and I wouldn't even qualify for PIP. Just to be awarded PIP your medical conditions must be severe.

You keep saying you are a team, but sometimes the team is exactly the set up you have now. He cannot be caring if he is pushing you to work. I think you need to visit CAB or research moneysavingexpert to cut your outgoings.

SoupOnMyTableNowSir
(((Hugs))) It is hard to be ill all the time. It is very wearing. I hope you are feeling ok today.

I can not afford to even try to volunteer, as I might lose PIP and we would be £200 down a month. I have to earn enough to cover that possibility.

As for my body coping, I don't know the answer to that one. This morning I was very unwell and only just got the kids to school by 9am.

Yes, it is going to be hard on me but DH needs support now too, I have to give 100% effort in doing the best I can and if I fail then we will have to have another think.

But short of downgrading to a smaller home, I can't think of any other saving we could make.

The main issues is that unless the work I do falls into very specific categories there is no profit to be made...however hard I work.

So I am looking at either :-

1. Best solution. Work school hours from home and take home up to £500 a month with no.child care costs and I should keep tax credits and PIP. Monthly profit of £500

1. Ok solution. Work school hours outside the home. Either salary of £10k with no child care or £20k with child care will net tiny profit of an additional £100 and will cover PIP and Child Tax Credits.

1. Worst Solution. Work full time year around for a salary of £28 to cover holiday child care and still come out with additional £100 on top of replacing Child Tax and PIP.

If I keep PIP It will be £300 monthly profit on solutions 2 & 3. But of course I won't know that until I notify them of my change in circumstances and get reassessed. Which I will do as soon as I find work.

"But on days I am ill, I know I can just potter"
I hear you.

"You keep saying you are a team, but sometimes the team is exactly the set up you have now"
In my heart I think our current set up works better than any of the work options I have outlined.
But DH is struggling he needs me to try and to bring money in somehow. I have outlined the extra workload and problems that having two working parents will bring but he is so fixated on money, that more money will sort out everything. TBH it would if I could bring in a serious amount but I will be working for pennies an hour at the end of the day, I don't think the money I could earn would change anything.

OP it’s interesting in your last post you say that DH needs support. With what exactly?

Op it is good you are finding options, but don't dismiss freelance work as it could earn you double per hour with less stress and no childcare costs.

I realise that is a new unfamiliar option but you have limited energy, and hours in a day, and could really do with being able to work from home around childcare commitments. Just a thought.

What does your DH need support with? His own ridiculous choice to have an excessive commute for a low paid job?

I don’t understand your/his point about a local job still requiring an hour’s commmute by train and so no real benefit. Even supposing that he takes the train rather than car as he currently does, and that it takes an hour each way rather than all in, that’s 2 hours each day. You said his current 1.5-2 hours each day so commute is 3.5-4 hours each day. So that’s a saving of between 50-100% of his commuting time, on what possible reading is that not much difference?

Have you answered why he is not trying to earn more? You say his wage hasn’t gone up with inflation so has he not had a promotion or pay rise in ten years? but wants to stay there despite meaning 3-4 hours travelling (and therefore taken out of parenting equation) each day? Why? Are you asking these questions? He is happy to dictate to you what you must do (FT midweek only) so surely your work discussions must be frank each way?