To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

Husband needs new job closer to home to facilitate you going out to work. I am your dh in this scenario but my dh is his own boss and very flexible re his hours. If he had a regular job I couldnt do what I do

Right. Then you have tons of skills and opportunities to build yourself a business from home. You won't need new shoes etc (although to be honest this made me a bit sad reading it in your post - surely you have shoes?) You won't need wraparound childcare.

You will probably still need some holiday childcare, depending on your project work. But also you should require your DH to time his holidays to take some of this burden off you during the school holidays, so that you work one week and he takes time off and vice versa.

Start researching and looking into it.

Can you set up as a freelancer in web design or data outsourcing or similar? Then you could be at home most of the time.

"how about approaching the big research companies. Lots of them are looking for analysts for research projects and this could all be done at home and quite flexibly"

Yes, this sounds good. Maybe I should try and concentrate on home based flexible jobs. They won't bring much in but it would all be pure profit.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns.
Wow, really?! Madness for any 10 year old to have that responsibility, not least a nervous one

The more I read your post the problems all seem to be your husband rather than the work/children balance issue! I hope he has other redeeming features.

NoSquirrels
Please don't worry. I mainly wear walking boots. They are very good at the minute whilst my balance is dodgy...They keep me upright.

But I need less muddy shoes for a job, that is all.

Self-employed website designer and trainer - flexible working from home?

I have 2special needs children and a husband who doesn't do anything much in the home or with childcare, so I understand your struggles to some extent. Part time hours are out there requiring little regular childcare, only during the holidays. There are some understanding and flexible employers, although you do need to show them you are committed and motivated from the start to build their trust. Otherwise being self-employed could be the way to go I'd say, as you obviously have some great skills. Can you refresh your knowledge with a few update courses?

You need wrap around care and holiday care. You can’t leave children of that age yet. I am a single mum and have only started leaving my children with the eldest in the last 6 months - when he hit the age of 14 and year 10. I have built up to it over time - leave them quickly whilst I do a run for bread for example - bit we’re talking 20/30 minutes max.

I would not leave my youngest (age 9) in the care of the eldest for a full day except in some kind of dire emergency and never for more than a day. It is not fair on the older one who needs independence and who’s job it isn’t to care for his siblings.

Primary schools vary but I think you will have questions asked if a 6 year old is walking home regularly.

You only actually have one problem
Divorce and your problems go.
Your illness means you should be on DLA
Are you actually fit to work? I'm not convinced you are x

Maybe I should try and concentrate on home based flexible jobs. They won't bring much in

I think you'd be surprised. You have good skills. It really could be what you'd make it. Certainly more than a minimum wage job outside the home.

I have crohn's which require me to be near a bathroom most of the times and just run if need be. I've always told my hope-to-be employers, as there are times I can't get out of bed or can't get of the loo long enough to get to work. So I always need flexibility and WFH option. I was surprised at how many companies are willing to tolerate this. Just be upfront about it.
If you are a statistician you have the brains to look into data science stuff potentially. There is a huge shortage of DS people and it can be done from home. And pay is really good.
Or you could go for virtual assistant type of jobs. From home, but pay is not that good.

My crohn's flared up almost 3 years ago and I haven't been working since. I'm also looking into options to go back to work, as my health is getting better (thankfully). But I after having worked since I was 17 for 13 years, maternity leave for 3, then working again full time for another 8 years I am now in a position to be very picky. And also have business ideas that might be worth pursuing. Whatever the circumstances, it's never easy to find good paying, quality work when you have an underlying health issue + children.

he wants to see me at weekends

WHAt does your DH do at the weekend

I WOULD print your post out and get him to go through each Point with you

i would be concerned about yiur health what are the longer term implications if you take on too much - coukd you find yourself being less able than yiu are now

agree with ohers yiur DH attitude is big factor in making this difficult for you and yiur kids

I am sorry as your DH seems to be so inflexible on this - sure you agreed to go back to work once your DC were at primary school but you probably didn't bank on getting health issues.

Like you I wouldn't leave a 12 year old in charge of all of them during the school holidays - that would be unfair and unsafe. I scarcely trust our 12 yr old DS to take care of the dog never mind be responsible for much younger siblings.

Employers can be flexible and indeed our workplace is so much better than it used to be ( back office banking sector) and wfh and flexibility are all good, but suspect the getting a role could be tricky.

I like the ideas about looking for a working from home opportunity that suit your skills. If that doesn't work out I was going to suggest trying your hand as an evening babysitter in hotels/holiday cottages. If you get CRB checked I think you can do it and rates should be pretty reasonable. Obviously means your DH would need to do a modicum of childcare which would actually be a good thing as at the minute he seems to do nothing. As a matter of interest who looks after the DCs now when you have a flare up of your health conditions ?

It sounds very unfair to make the 12 yo to take on responsibility for caring for 3 younger children. It would make it difficult for them to relax or play themselves as well as to study or take on a small job themselves when they are a bit older. As the eldest child I was expected to look after several younger siblings and it affected my ability to make/keep friends and have a normal childhood. I resented the pressure and responsibility. I was too young to be able to provide adequate childcare. Social Services ended up getting involved too. It's had a long lasting negative impact on relationships within the family.

Why does your DH want you to work now? Why does he need to work 200 miles from home? He’s tired when he gets home, how tired does he think you are going to be adding work into your mix?

He is being unreasonable on every level no matter what your previous agreement was. You can not do what you do now and work full time. Before I returned to work we discussed the re-distribution of housework and childcare as well as money.

You will need childcare, anxiety or not that is a lot of responsibility to put on a 12 and 10 year old, particularly during school holidays. If you can not turn a profit now then perhaps spend the next couple of years searching for contracts, freelance at home etc and building up skills and updating qualifications.

I doubt you would lose your PIP ( although I agree it’s a possibility) However I do think that your disability will be aggravated by the extra pressure you will be under, working, arranging the children and trying to do housework etc.

Your employer should allow time off for work for appointments due to your disability, I do think you should declare them although I’m not sure whether you have to. I think you would be extremely lucky to find an employer who is that flexible though.

Mirkobaba (((Hugs)))

Thanks for all the good advice. Loads to think about.

But you are wrong about DH. He loves me, supports me when I am feeling low. He makes me feel loved, desired, wanted. Sometimes we laugh so hard I cry !

He is my soul mate and I am his.

It is just hard on him working so far away from our home. It is hard on both of us because I am unwell.

We have had a hard couple of months and he is just broken...because despite his best effects we have run out of money again.

He knows I struggle but feels if I work full time, all our current money worries will be over.

I don't think I can pull enough money in to make a difference, plus I think it will create different problems.

Any how. I will search child care costs, working from home options and will sit down to have a heart to heart with DH...see if we can find the best path for our family together :)

Wow - your DH is a prince of a man, isn't he?

Leaving him would solve most of your problems, tbh. But please don't rely on the 12 year old to provide childcare during the holidays. That is massively unfair and will generate unbelievable resentment. Believe me, my older sisters and I spent SO MUCH of our childhood caring for the younger 3 and that sense of injustice only fades with time, it doesn't ever vanish.

It sounds much more sensible to work from home. It doesn't have to be some big plunge back into work, either - build it up gradually, doing a few things a week e.g. update CV, get one pair of suitable shoes for meetings, make a list of skills and possible training you could do. Week 2, contact all likely friends and acquaintances to see if someone can give you a few hours' research to get something recent on your CV, etc. If you spend a few hours a day on this you could be in a much better position in a year and your DC will be that bit older. I have got a very anxious niece who is 13 and her anxiety improved massively between 10 and 13 with the transfer to secondary, walking there by herself etc. Even if older ones could watch younger ones during the hols I think they'd get bored in full days. I'm a teacher and even I use the odd day of hol club for my 6 year old as I run out of ideas and energy! Get into a better physical and mental space and then you can tackle the inequalities in your relationship.

You cannot leave an anxious 10 year old in charge of getting themselves and 2 younger children out of the house to school every day! It would be too much to ask of any 10 year old but especially am anxious one.

You already have restrictions on employment due to your medical needs. Your DH is being a dick to add more (why the fuck did he bother having kids if he wants none of the responsibility?).

It doesn’t sound practical tbh. Even if you manage to find a super flexible job at a suitable distance, it has to pay enough to cover the costs of you working (petrol, parking, work clothes, lost benefits) plus wraparound and holiday childcare for the younger three children. Even if you find that, you’re already exhausted, your husband is a selfish bastard who will expects you to do everything you currently do (which exhausts you) on top of a job!

You’ll end up running yourself into the ground and I’m betting DH won’t be there to pick up the pieces when that happens

If your DH is the man you say he is, how can he not see that he can’t opt out of housework and childcare and he can’t ask you to fit in this work and still be there evenings and weekends?

Sounds to me like he wants you to earn more money and his life not change at all regardless of the changes you or his DC will be expected to make.

Has he added up the tax credits and benefits you currently receive and then worked out how much you need to earn to make a profit after they disappear and work expenses and childcare kick in?

OP have a look at matched betting. With a brain like yours for maths and stats you'd find it easy. You could very realistically and easily make £100 a week without leaving the house, I imagine that's much more than you'd get for a full time job once childcare is factored in

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3392805-To-ask-if-anyone-has-a-sideline-they-earn-a-second-income-from

The thread above offers great advice on extra income you can make from home.

If I were you, I would not return to full/ part time work outside of the house while the children are at primary. You already have a lot to do and health issues.

It's sad that your husband thinks the children are an inconvenience and doesn't appear to enjoy their company.

“My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns”

Does he indeed. I find this quite terrifying tbh.

Surely the most sensible thing to do would be to relocate nearer to where he works. It will significantly reduce transport costs, reduce the time he is out of the house and his tiredness allowing him to do more with the children and presumably give you more options more work yourself if the job situation is as bad as you say in the current area.