To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

Your husband is an arse

All of these boil down to a dh problem. How can you bear him?

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children

And I only got to this sentence before I posted that. I will go back and read the rest but I can't imagine it will make me like him.

Yeah I finished it and I hate him.

What did your husband bother having kids for if it's all down to you to do absolutely everything - ever. He is spoilt and wants to take a long look at himself. I am quite shocked by his attitude although sadly not very surprised.

@Bambamber very constructive.

OP, reading your list, I did wonder if you might be in a slightly better place to work in maybe another two years' time?

There would be fewer childcare worries, and possibly fewer clubs to ferry kids to and from.

What is your work experience like? Do you have any idea what industry you'd like to work in?

I think you need to look at working from home or self employment options.

Not many employers will be able to provide the environment or the flexibility you're looking for.

Your DH sounds incredibly selfish. I'd hold out until a suitable PT job comes up as with all the above in consideration you probably won't be able to keep a full time job even if you are fortunate enough to find one that pays enough to cover all those factors.

It honestly sounds as though working from home might be the best option. Virtual assistant?

If you go back to work he will have to do more. Simple as that. I would try to look for a job, get interviews etc (although your health issues are going to cause some issues, which maybe insurmountable...) and talk to him again about taking responsibility in the evenings and for kids illnesses and appointments. If he is not willing to compromise it is totally unworkable.

I think you might need a job working from home, but these are few and far between, have you any ideas of what you could actually do, notwithstanding kids appointment that he should 100% be splitting with you if you’re also working.

Your H is being unrealistic about childcare. Of course the younger 3 need childcare - definately the younger 2 - after school and holidays. And the 10 year old if they are not comfortable at home.

Yes you should say you are disabled. You get PIP and you will need adjustments made to accommodate you to be able to work. If this puts employers off them they weren't the right places for you to work anyway. It may maker harder to find something but you have to be realistic as you won't be able to just pretend you don't have these health issues when you get there.

Your children won't be able to do after school activities if you work full time unless they are after the time you get home.

Your H should be prepared to cover 50% of the things like sickness etc once you go back, 50% of housework work etc if you are both working full time.

Children's appointments, your appointments and children's sickness will probably have to be covered out of annual leave unless the employer has a special leave system which covers some of the above.

With all your health issues, many of which cause fatigue, and 4 children and an unhelpful husband- money aside - I think returning to work sounds like it would be a disaster for you health wise anyway.

You need part time school hours (even if not a term time job), or to work weekends and evenings. Your H will need to be realistic if he wants to not have to do anything more himself then he needs to accept your work capacity will have to remain as very part time for now.

Also I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect your 12 year old to way more childcare than your husband and totally agree with you that you would need before/after school clubs or a childminder.

Firstbornunicorn
I am a statistician by trade. But have also run projects for the NHS and wrote multi million pound tenders for a private engineering firm.

Please don't be down on my DH. Our agreement was he would work and I would do 100% of the house and children work until the youngest was at school. So really I should of been at work last year.

He works 200 miles away and away from the house 12 hours a day. I accept that he can't nip home to take a child to a club or an appointment.

I just didn't expect to get health issues and I didn't understand how hard it would be to do everything in my own AND work.

He is tired in the evenings and he wants to see me at the weekends.

You are simply not going to get a job with the flexibility you are looking for.

I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now

DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework

Even setting aside all your health issues, which sound serious enough to me, then it is not possible.

Two working parents = each takes a share of the shitwork.

That's that.

I would suggest that with your health issues and with your arse of a husband, and 4 children (one of whom is anxious about being alone) that the only job you should consider is one where you can work from home.

So, what skills do you have that you could turn into a work from home or freelance career?

Working from home would be wonderful or a part time school hours job. I am not afraid of hard work, I just need to fit it all in !

1. You need childcare.

1. Your dh is going to have to do some active parenting if you want your children to still do their activities.

1. Trying to find part time work initially might be a good start point rather than trying to go straight from current position to working full time

It sounds like there are lots of legitimate reasons that it will be tricky to find a job in your circumstances.

If you really want to do this you need to find a way your husband can flex to allow it

But if you don't (which sounds like it would be quite reasonable given how tricky it would be and the likelihood of your turning much of a profit out if it, you need to sit down with your husband and work through it logically just like that.

In answer to your actual questions:

• yes, in my opinion you need wrap around care and holiday care

• all the questions about work are very strongly dependent on what job you get. Answers would be yes to all where I work, but I'm lucky to work for a big and responsible employee owned company which has an enlightened self interest approach to employee well being (and is big enough to be able to afford to do so). I'm sure it's not the case everywhere and I expect it varies widely.

• If you believe you meet criteria for disability under Equality Act (which as a non expert it sounds like you might) then they are required to make reasonable adjustments for your medical needs.

• The law should allow you to take unpaid family leave for child illness, appointments etc but all of that affects the balance sheet of whether this is possible for you.

• I would assume the after school clubs would need to be dropped if your husband can't or won't; not sure taxis etc are very practical at those ages alone and even if they were it would massively cut into your bottom line again.

Good luck!

Jeez where to start.

Workplaces differ. Some will pay you a certain number of days in a year if your children are off ill then it goes to unpaid. Most people I know call in sick for themselves at that point.
Employers also usually let you take them to appointments (see above with regards to pay). The best thing would be for you and your husband to share the load on that.

No I don’t think a 12 year old is sensible enough to look after 3 younger siblings.

No I don’t think a 6year old is old enough to walk to school with a 10years old who is anxious.

You need after school clubs etc.

You are making a rather big deal about going back to work. In the real world, people go back to work before their children go to school. It doesn’t have to make life worse and you think of it as building for your future and the day when they can let themselves in from school.

Ask school how much the clubs are. Total up what you would be spending in a week then go from there.

And yes, your husband is an arse.

Please don't be down on my DH. Our agreement was he would work and I would do 100% of the house and children work until the youngest was at school. So really I should of been at work last year.

But your agreement was made when you were in good health, I assume? And then when you go back to work, what was the agreement then - that you would STILL do 100% of the house and children?

He works 200 miles away and away from the house 12 hours a day. I accept that he can't nip home to take a child to a club or an appointment.

Fine. Then either a) his job needs to change or b) he needs to accept that it is impractical with 4 children for you to work.

I just didn't expect to get health issues and I didn't understand how hard it would be to do everything in my own AND work.

Quite. So your initial "agreement" now needs to be renegotiated in light of the above.

He is tired in the evenings and he wants to see me at the weekends.

Then he needs to look at changing his job, as above, or accept it is not possible for you to work.

Actually your husband is a massive problem. So many of the issues wouldn’t be half as bad if he actually pulled his weight.

If you are a statistician there are some flexible roles around (I have a friend who does just this only a few hours a week).

How about doing an online course in bookkeeping or even accounting and do that from home?

I agree that your family and health needs would make returning as an employee very difficult. And your dc are too young to be left to fend for themselves but you know that.

I am a statistician by trade. But have also run projects for the NHS and wrote multi million pound tenders for a private engineering firm.

Research what opportunities there are in your skillsets for working from home. I bet there will be

Jobs like a virtual PA can be done flexibly from home.

Realistically, you have a lot of factors stacked against you. You want an employer who will be able to accommodate your health issues, and then your kids WILL get sick and all the stress of that will be on you. You need to earn enough for childcare (and all the stress of arrangements and dropping and pick ups will be on you).

I don't think it is practical for you to work outside the home with so many younger children and an unsupportive husband and health issues. Two out of three, perhaps, but I would be ruthlessly realistic if I were you.

Or you'll get so sick and tired your children won't have either parent properly around for them.

Your DH definitely needs to take more responsibility.

But on a more helpful note - how about approaching the big research companies. Lots of them are looking for analysts for research projects and this could all be done at home and quite flexibly? Would suit your requirements and they get someone probably far more qualified than they are used to.

I can design websites, write databases, create statically reports, audit paperwork trails, design and run projects (Prince trained but I know that is old hat now)

I have trained up receptionists to use software.

I am organised. So organised that I reduced my first office junior work from full time hours to four hours a week, by streamlining and automating it. They gave that work to another lady and promoted me :)

Ideally stats and organising are my ideal job.