To have concerns about going back to work (long post)

[BackToWorkAgain]

Warning extremely long post

I had a couple of career jobs in my 20's. Stayed at home in my 30's raising our family. Now in my 40's it is time to work again.

I have some concerns about returning to work and a couple of questions regarding child care.

Child care questions first.

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to leave a 10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns. They already do this walk with me daily. 8yo and 10yo sometimes walk back from school on their own.

I think we would have to pay for school wrap around care for all three children. As 6yo and 8yo are too young to be on their own and the 10yo is very anxious child and gets very frightened if they are ever left alone, even to sleep or visit the bathroom.

1. Do we need to pay for wrap around school care for the three younger children ?

My DH thinks it would be reasonable to get the 12yo to watch the 10yo, 8yo and 6yo all day in the school holidays whilst we both work. 12yo would also have to serve a simple cold lunch and get snacks and drinks out.

I think we would have to pay for holiday care for the youngest two at the very minimum. As 10yo would probably be OK with 12yo during the day.

2. Do we need to pay for holiday care for the youngest two/three ?

Now the work concerns

I have not formally worked for a decade, but have volunteered for a few things during this time. However I still have a working brain and I am more than capable of finding work and actually doing a job day to day.

In fact the thought of working with adults is appealing to me, to do work that matters rather than the endless grind of housework. All things being equal, I look forward to returning to work. However I was planning to wait until the youngest was in high school and my DH wants me to go back now...hence looking into practicalities now.

My main concern is that I won't be able to turn a profit. My last job was well paid, however as I need a local job and a short commute (because of health issues) there isn't much choice locally. I will likely end up in a minimum wage no promotion type job.

I need to balance this new income against one off costs (work clothes and a pair of shoes), work related costs (petrol/parking), child care costs AND taking into account the loss of child tax credits (removed at a sliding scale depending on my new income) and loss of PIP (which I suspect will be removed the moment I return to work, even though in theory PIP is not related to work, in reality it usually is)

I need this combination to come out with a positive number. Of course if I found a term time or school hours job that would be a lot easier to do, but nothing around here at the minute. So looking at full time hours jobs.

I know there will be comments about how childcare costs need to be taken out of DH's wage too. But in reality his wage already covers all monthly expenses with a tiny amount left over. Simply speaking, if my wage can't cover all my new costs plus turn a profit, it is not feasible.

My DH has ruled out evening or weekend work, as he doesn't want to be stuck in with the children whilst I work. Which is a shame, as this would be the easiest way to turn a profit. I will talk to him again, as I think this is the best solution.

Night work would be very hard for me, as I need to use my cpap machine a minimum of six hours a night in order to be compliant and keep my driving license.

So I am looking at week day work.

I am worried that my ill health will make holding a job down difficult.

My bowel disease means that I need access to a toilet at all times and that access has to be spontaneous, as I might only have a minute to get there. I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, I need a job that I can excuse myself and visit the ladies as and when I need to.

It also means I have periods of a few days a month when I can't leave the bathroom in the morning and would near the flexibility to start work late on these days.

I also have a yearly review and every three years I have a colonoscopy. So would need time off for that stuff too.

I am on a medical diet to reduce IBS symptoms (in addition to my other bowel issue), which means I always have to eat my own food and need somewhere to store, reheat, eat food. This should be an easy one to sort out, as I carry my own food with me as standard.

My Under Active Thyroid requires regular blood tests and medicine updates to get my levels right. This is partially why I am so exhausted all the time. Probably only need two gp appointments every three months. One for bloods, one for results.

My hearing issues are mild, I wear aid in my hearing impaired ear but not in my deaf one, I can lipread. I find noisy environments very difficult to deal with and clearly struggle to hear at some times. But honestly this has never affected my work much.

Beyond people failing to get my attention sometimes and I prefer to confirm everything in a email to check I haven't misheard anything (which is sensible for everyone to do).

Sleep Apnoea adds to my tiredness and I use a cpap machine overnight in order to keep my driving license.

I am temporarily having balance issues, I am falling over more and dropping things a fair bit. But I am confident this will go away, maybe I need some exercises to do. I have a Neurology Appointment next month, hopefully it will rule out the nasties and I will get a sheet of exercises to strengthen my legs and grip.

My bowel disease and my hearing impairment are classed as disabilities but I don't consider myself to be disabled.

My DH thinks I am disabled and I should tell potential employers upfront and I am more likely to get a guarantee interview this way too. But I am concerned my issues would put them off employing me. However it would give me a chance to explain in person, how I am a good worker, despite a few health issues. So I am very undecided on this point.

I am unsure when/if I would tell an employee about my health issues. Before interview, after I start work, if it starts affecting my job ?

3. Do work need to know about my health issues ? If so when do you mention it ?

4. Will work allow me time off for regular medical appointments?

I am concerned that DH has made it clear that he can not help with the children's clubs, illness, homework. As he works long hours a good distance away.

In particularly I need to cover 12yo brace appointments every three months and 6yo speech therapy appointments one hour weekly.

5. Will work allow me time off for regular children medical appointments? Or how else do I get children to these appointments?

Currently there are also a beavers, cubs, dance, scouts and gymnastic evening clubs outside school. Plus a couple of after school clubs too.
I usually parent and ferry children around between 3.30pm and 8pm (latest one 9.30pm) every evening.

6. But if I work full time and need to fit homework, tea, bath in for the kids, I assume they will have to quit all these clubs. Or do I get a taxi to run them there, whilst I parent the other children ? How do other people do this ?

My DH has already said that he can not take time off to cover children illness, it is up to me to cover it all. Luckily only the 6yo is ill often and I am confident that this will improve in time. I am guessing I will need maximum 6 days a year to cover D&V bugs, hopefully a lot less.

7. Will work allow me time off when kids are ill ? What are the alternatives ?

I am concerned that I simply will not be able to cope doing everything that I do now and work 40 hours on top of it
However I know plenty of women do it and therefore there is no reason I shouldn't try.

But I am so exhausted already and I don't know how I am going find the extra energy I need. Already at home, I can not sit down from 3pm onwards as I will fall asleep, even if talking to someone or doing paperwork. The doctor said that is normal for parents, so I just have to KOKO.

Despite all these worries, if I can address all the above concerns and bring in some much needed money into the house, I would be delighted.

On the plus note, I want to earn my own money, help support our family, maybe save up for a family holiday. I want to stop living on such a tight budget, where so many things are simply beyond our means. It would be great to know that when something breaks we would have the money there to to fix it.

But what if I make everything so much worse for me and the kids. What if I work full time and bring in a small amount of money or nothing. I am worried that the kids will spend all their time alone or at school, have to cancel their clubs and not see their friends, so I can work for no profit.

I am definitely going back to work but I planned to get all the kids into high school first, to reduce child care costs. I just think with three in primary school this is going to be hard.

Any positive advice welcome.

I am feeling better now my concerns are written down. Hopefully I will get some good pointers from here and I can work down my list, eliminating my concerns.

Ps. Congratulations for reading this far !

Your husband's ideas about child care are unrealistic.

Paid childcare for that many children at those ages - so not just for a year or two but for several years - is going to be expensive. Many people working full time in well paid jobs who are in good health would struggle to cover child care costs never mind work related expenses like transport & appropriate work clothes in your situation.

For years I worked part time & ended up only pennies ahead due to childcare costs for two - the point was to suck up the financial penalty in the short term so I would maintain career progression in the longterm when the kids were older. I was part time out of choice & due to lack of flexibility in may partner's job, but he still helped with drop offs, pick ups etc.

You will have no support by the sound of it - no flexibility for early starts, late finishes, you'll be covering the sick days, sorting out holiday clubs. To make any profit at all you are going to need a really well paid job with a very flexible understanding employer - or, as others said, freelance or working from home etc.

The "deal" you are being held to does not work with 4 kids, your health problems & no support form your husband. It's just not reasonable now, even if it seemed to be previously when you agreed it. Whatever his good points, on this issue I think he is being unfair & unrealistic.

I cross posted with you. In my situation I was OK when the kids were in school, it was holiday clubs & day camps in the summer that meant it cost me more in childcare than I was earning, especially if we wanted to go on holiday too.

cheminotte He watches his money.
I get set monthly amount from the main account and use that alongside child benefit, child tax credits and PIP.

I cover food for everyone, school dinners, bus fares for high school, kids clothes, school trips, cub trips, party presents, all the children related costs.

DH pays mortgage and all the bills.

I need to talk to DH and try to explain that I am not being lazy and avoiding my commitment to work but that I have these concerns and I don't know how to address them :(

I don't think it is at all reasonable for the Dcs to walk to and from school unattended at those ages. Or to be left all day in the holidays, your DH is wrong here.
Op your only realistic solution as far as l can see is a home based business with a good hourly rate.

Many have suggested you work freelance with your existing skills, that would be the first option to persue.
Others would ideally be indoors, physically undemanding and flexible on timing.ie....proofreading..short course..physically undemanding..up to £20 per hour.
Bookkeeping for local businesses....
credit control/chasing debts for local businesses.
Telesales...
just a few ideas...l am sure there are more.

If you could create a £20 per hour home based business, 6 hours a day 9-3pm, 4 days a week (to allow 1 day for housework/home admin) you would bring in £ 480 p week with little expense and still look after the DCs.

Although you would probably need some cleaning help if you were that busy and DH does not help. You would have to be very disciplined with time though but it would be doable.

He sounds more like your dad than husband.

10yo, 8yo and 6yo to lock up the house and walk 10 minutes to primary school together in the morning and return home together after school to wait home together but without adult supervision until a parent returns

If the teachers get wind of this it will be reported as a Safeguarding issue.

Sorry, OP but it looks as if you try to find excuses to not work...

Most mums with children work. And plenty of lone parents do so as well. Most schools do a breakfast club and have after school childcare which you could easily use for the 2 younger DC.

You book them into a holiday club for the school hols. You are enitled to unpaid emergency leave if e.g. the DC are poorly. You will also get annual leave. I always keep a few days AL for sickness and for appointments (one of my DC is severely disabled and appointments aren't uncommon).

my employer gives paid time for medical appointments if you work full time. If you are part time you can always arrange them on your day off.

Granted, your husband does not sound like much of a partner but if you want to find a job you can make it work.

Change is always scary esp after such a long gap in employment. You seem to try to convince you why you can not work. This attitude won't take you far.

I never had the luxury of giving up work despite having a severely disabled child and no support - I might therefore have aless snowflakey view on these things.

Your DH seems to want best of both worlds, to be removed from household / child rearing duties and for you to be earning a professional wage. It does not sound substanable or fair on you.

MrHaroldFry Thanks for the link, very helpful :)

I think you need all 4 to have wraparound care - a club or something.
And definitely all 4 need holiday clubs in school holidays, even a 12 year old can't be home alone all day for a week!

Honestly in your current situation I wouldn't consider going back to work until the youngest is in senior school. UNLESS you can find some work from home work?

You definitely would have to be upfront about your medical issues in an interview / on an application form.

Your DH is an arse about working hours, I had to work evening shifts when I went back to work to save us on childcare and dh puts the kids to bed on his own and mine are both young, yours are old enough to pretty much put themselves to bed with minimal supervision.

rainbowbash I can not afford to pay too work. I have outlined my child care costs and if I get £25k job I should make a profit. The local job I found was £16k and I can not afford to keep kids in child care at that salary.

I am glad you found a job that suits you.

I previously spend months trying to get money by selling gifts I made but I guess they were rubbish, as I couldn't sell enough to make a profit. But I tried.

Now it is time to get a proper job.

I am nervous about leaving 12yo on her own but she wouldn't be able to go to the same child care the others as they would go to a primary school care.

OP from the figures you have just posted re the £16k job, it sounds like there wouldn’t be a penny profit TBH.

I have one child and only work 28 hours a week, plus share the drop offs and pick ups from childcare and ferrying DS about from clubs etc with DH fairly evenly.

I do probably 75% of the household stuff and DH has set things he does (bins, hoovering, end of the day kitchen clean up and a few other bits).

I can’t even imagine being responsible for all of the child and household related stuff for 4 children and having the energy to work AT ALL, and I don’t have any health issues.

To be blunt I don't think you should do it. Your health comes first and your agreement to go back to work was before you had your health issues it seems. If you are already exhausted, I just don't see how you can do it.

As an aside, I returned back from mat leave 6 weeks ago to a 4 day a week stressful job. One baby only, DH with flexible employment, no health issues thankfully, 10 minute commute and already with appointments, nursery illness etc, running the home am exhausted to the extent I am laid up in bed vomiting as have been trying to do too much. Extreme I know but my situation should be much easier and I am struggling.

Best of luck but I would think carefully about it x

I would hold out for the right job. Have a think about how to ensure your skills and experience are still fresh - would it be worth taking time to do a further qualification, is your volunteering relevant enough? Think how to present it. If you have any old networks reach out, let them know you'd be looking for freelance work.

Charityjob.co.uk is great for real homebased jobs - no reduction in salary, these are genuine skilled roles. The guardian sometimes has them too.

I think one reason people are criticising your DH is his insistence that he won't take time off for childcare. In a partnership that isn't an option. My DH earns more than 3 times my salary, but for me to sustain a job I can't be the only person phoning in if a child is sick. I do more, but he will always always step up if needed. Your DH needs to understand if you go back to work full time then he is one of two equal full time parents. With his commute it's reasonable for you to do the appointments but he should share sick days.

I also wouldn't want even a 12 year old at home alone 5 days a week all summer.

DH just wants me to do what I promised

What about what he promised - to get a local job?

I'm presuming the understanding was that the two of you would work full-time and share the household work? If he wants you to work full time, he has to do his share of the housework. As agreed.

OP, I really sympathise with your husband. Commuting 400 miles a day is absurd, expensive and exhausting. I'm sure he is stressed out, and I don't think he's being unreasonable to not want to do evening childcare on top of that. But I feel like him finding some job he can do between your house and his work must be possible - and I think this would make life easier for all of you.

Re: your OP, YANBU about childcare, HINBU about your medical condition. I agree with PP who say you need to take this seriously. You say in your OP I can not finish a phone call or finish serving a customer, then later you say you can easily do a customer-facing bank job. How? Only by having a very understanding employee, and to get this you need to be upfront about your condition.

Re: after-school clubs, most clubs insist that children are picked up by a parent or a known adult. Working parents either have fewer kids than you, or the kids do activities at school, or they do things at the weekend. Or not at all.

I also think you're underselling yourself. No way should you be looking at minimum wage full-time jobs. You should be looking for high-paying part-time work from home like the one MrHaroldFry posted. If nothing else, just doing some book-keeping, accounting or web design. And if you can persuade your DH about evening work, don't do babysitting. Do maths tuition. Maths tutors charge ~£30 an hour and they can do it in hiking boots. You only need to work three hours a week to earn the same sort of money as that full-time job.

OP sorry if I missed it

do you actually want to go back to work?

the fact he doesn't want to be closer to work rings alarm bells, sorry. It means he enjoys time away. which makes sense given he doesn't want to parent in the evenings or at weekends.

also - that poor 12 year old. what a life she'd have.

Grace212 I want to do what us best for the family. I prefer to stay home and parent the children but I promised to work, so I need to start looking.

Hi @BackToWorkAgain, I won’t comment on anything else, just a comment on a very practical note for your job search, do you have any government departments near you? You can get good flexibility, working from home options, and paid sick leave/special leave etc, as well as understanding about caring commitments like school appointments, medical appointments. Particularly in office jobs in the government - not talking front line/operational roles which need more structure due to the nature of the work. Take a look on Civil Service Jobs website.

Also, search ‘returnships’. These are aimed at getting people back into the workplace following a break (typically aimed at mothers returning to work following caring for young children). Can be a very good way to get back into work as you can share your skills in applying even if you last worked many years ago. The government does do returnships too, but also something useful to check generally in your area in case other companies are offering them.

You promised to work, he promised to work closer to home. Looks even to me.

Op only 6 year old needs to have wraparound care (get rid of this also in 2 years time). 10 minutes walk together for an average 8 &10 year old if completely fine. (I'm assuming no special needs or behaviour issues).

Stop the after school activities most children of working parents do not do them unless they have a private nanny. Let them choose one activity each that is available on the weekend.

School holidays is a challenge but if you're are living near family can you not do a combination of paid holiday care, time spend with grandparents/extended family and annual leave?

In the long term you need to relocate and dh needs to take on more of a shared role as this is too much for you to do alone. What would he do if your health deteriorated? He needs to be closer to his work to reduce the time away from home.

bedunkalilt Thanks, very useful post...off to Google returnships.

This is crazy. Aim for self-employment.

You and your family will suffer terribly if you are employed. You have no support, severe health issues and may as well he sp.