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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
Tweety1981 · 19/01/2019 13:40

Oh and that thing they do when they oss the kid around amongst themselves ( the in laws( but don’t give it to you till the baby cries and needs a change or a feed etc.

Tweety1981 · 19/01/2019 13:41

*pass

Holidayshopping · 19/01/2019 13:41

I absolutely wouldn’t budge on this and I would expect my dH to back me up 100%

Who is in the extended family? How many people are they expecting to come and live in your home and for how long?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/01/2019 13:42

His culture doesn't win just because he has the penis.

They get to decide between the two of them how they want to live their lives. Nobody else.

Tellem2 · 19/01/2019 13:43

@InlawsIssuesAgain He also needs to comply with whatever your culture is, I'm assuming your British which for many (not all) it'll translate for your culture to be seen as the 'weaker' one, because of they way in which other will interpret how important you value it. It's this weird mentality that people have about how they view others. To be honest your husband should be telling/told you this. It's not right about what people think.

You need your husband to stand strong and defend you tooth and nail at this point.

Holidayshopping · 19/01/2019 13:44

They also mentioned they want me to go back to work at 6 months?

Who has said this? How dare they!

The only people who decide when you go back to work are you and your DH. I can’t believe this is the first time they have expressed an opinion about such things?

Tellem2 · 19/01/2019 13:47

His family sounds like an extreme case, if you're not careful you'll find they are telling you what school your kids should be going to and bullying you AND your kids when they are of age for the rest of the time. People like this have no bounds.

diddl · 19/01/2019 13:47

Does this extended family actually have a relationship with your husband or is it that they just feel that they have a right to see every new baby?

Surely some get together further down the line hosted by MIL would be a better idea/compromise?

Even if Op (or anyone) wanted people to move in & look after them, it would be unlikely that they'd want extended ILs, isn't it?

It's a nice idea that the new mum rests & is looked after, but husbands/mums can usually do that if wantewd/needed.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/01/2019 13:55

identify the top matriarch and call her and explain and invite her for a few hours ? And she can spread the message

I think small compromises are prudent

Also see GP and get checked out . You have had a car crash of a birth and recovery mental and physical is not a walk in the park Flowers

snowball28 · 19/01/2019 14:04

I’m marrying an Asian man too, why is it always the case where we have to respect their culture of being ultra involved but not ours of privacy? Surely respect goes both ways?

I would have the MIL or both PIL if you feel over for a day visit, that’s all I did when we had our baby. Fuck the rest of them they can wait and pop over for DAY ONLY visits when you feel up to it.

Luckily my future PIL understand this and are very lively and respectful to me and how I feel, but like you the extended family are vile to me yet expect my upmost respect and servitude, ridiculous.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 14:11

They do have a relationship with DH and are quite close. To be fair until DH met me, he lived near all of them. We moved away which raised a few eyebrows and people try to get us to move back at every opportunity. We only live half an hour away so it's not like we moved to Australia or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 14:13

I’m marrying an Asian man too, why is it always the case where we have to respect their culture of being ultra involved but not ours of privacy? Surely respect goes both ways?

This is what really annoys me. There's not even any consideration for my wishes.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/01/2019 14:18

Except that it sounds like he has (rightly so) already made quite a lot of accomodation to your wishes. After all you're not living with or very close to your inlaws, your MiL isnt minding your children, the extended family isn't in your living room.

snowball28 · 19/01/2019 14:20

Baffling isn’t it!

I’m a pretty strong person but his extended family have shook me to the core these last few years, they can’t seem to comprehend OH is marrying outside of his own culture too.

I’m lucky in the sense they live at the other end of the country so can’t just pop in lol, I kept them at bay that way in the end and they eventually realised they wouldn’t get their own way with me and now they don’t even bother they know what I say in regards to my children goes.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 14:22

His choice for some of that. MIL offered to let us live with her and save for a deposit. I would've accepted as long as we made it clear it was temporary and we would be moving eventually.

DH said no way was he doing that, he wanted his own independence in his own words, and we got our own place instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 14:24

Snowball it is, yeah. What I don't understand is how some people expect traditions to never change and continue despite time and setting moving on. Just because something is traditional doesn't mean you can assume someone else will do it themselves.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/01/2019 14:26

I've read your opening post OP and wanted to say firstly congratulations on the birth of your new children.

Now, on to the nitty gritty. I'm stunned about his family's assertion that you married an Asian man so you should be aware of what comes with that, didn't he marry you too? Don't your needs and wants matter? I'd be saying to him that how he deals with his family on this will forever determine what you think of him and how you both deal with things going forward.

Best of luck to you.

(Now back to reading more than the opening post)

Cornishclio · 19/01/2019 14:35

The culture aspect is irrelevant. What matters is what you are comfortable with. Given one baby has only just been discharged from hospital, you had an awful birth and there are lots of bugs around have visitors in your own time. Your DH parents have met the babies. Extended family can wait. Stand your ground and do it when you are comfortable.

DrunkUnicorn · 19/01/2019 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/01/2019 14:39

Ok, I've now caught up.

I think your DH is doing well to keep his family at bay and as loads of others have said, getting your Mil on side is key to dealing with this. I don't have any suggestions on how you could do this but wanted to wish you all the best in trying to make it happen as you want it to be.

Tweety1981 · 19/01/2019 14:44

That’s the problem .It ISNT Asian culture for the mother in law to live with the daughter-in-law to ‘help out’. The daughter in law is supposed to get that help from HER mother in Asian culture, where she goes to her mums house to stay , or nowadays the mother comes to stay with her to help out . But in Asian culture this is certainly NOT the mother in laws role !

The conversation shouldn’t even be happening !

Cornishclio · 19/01/2019 14:45

They are your babies and your decision. Really anyone who called me selfish for wanting to protect my babies and bond with them after you have all been through a difficult birth would be end of the queue. Why do people think they can say these things?

Haworthia · 19/01/2019 14:46

You signed up for an intercultural marriage, meaning you're signing up for that culture and whatever that entails

What a load of racist bollocks, aka “You should have thought about this before marrying a brown man” or “it would have been easier if you’d married a white man”.

OP, I’m really sorry you’ve had such an ordeal. I had a traumatic birth and postnatal period and it was the worst time of my life. It got better, but I needed antidepressants. I was so low I had no resilience at all, and the meds helped. Please remember to look after your own health in the midst of your babies and ILs.

I married into an Indian family too, btw. Luckily for me, my husband has very few family members in the UK, because I could well imagine a scenario like yours. And I’m sure I did push my in laws away when DD1 was little. I was so unwell I just needed the support of my own mum.

MIL also lost her mind a bit (first grandchild!) and was very overbearing and annoying for years. She was so loud and intense around DD, like a grandmother on speed, I hated being around her. We’d go to visit and she’d instantly launch into a lengthy version of Wheels On The Bus (and you know Indians are LOUD Grin). DD would be so overstimulated she never ate or slept whenever we saw them. It was awful.

Thankfully, as DD got older and no longer had any interest in being sing-shouted at, MIL calmed the fuck down. Then we had a second child and she was still so wrapped up in DD, he didn’t get the same overbearing treatment. I guess it was unfair on him, but I was just relieved she was less crazy.

We get on extremely well now, but those “first grand baby/toddler” years were very rocky for me.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 14:47

DrunkUnicorn thank you for that. I feel like some of my in laws are using culture to try and force me when as you said, people are capable of being respectful that others may choose to do it differently

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 14:51

and you know Indians are LOUD

Lol I've had that conversation with DH about how two or three family members can sound like an entire football pitch Grin I don't know how they do it?!

OP posts: