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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 19/01/2019 16:32

The different culture is a complete red herring. You had a traumatic birth, twins, babies in NICU, one baby only home for two days...you do what you need to do to get through all this. Your relatives must be monumentally self-centered to think of their needs and wants.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 16:44

I think they're being self centered too, because there wasn't even a discussion they just assumed I would be okay with it.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 19/01/2019 17:02

you are weak and vulnerable, they see this as a great opportunity for them to get what they want so they are all piling in trying to claim some territory before you get your strength back

Knittedgnome · 19/01/2019 17:14

Selfish bastards. I would be moving to Australia if this kind of thing keeps up. Or at least further away!

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 17:35

I see it like that too Word as in they are trying to strike while I'm not 100%. DH insists they're not and it's instead just so normal to them that it seems bizarre that o would refuse.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 19/01/2019 17:50

they are striking while you are weak, it is normal to them because striking while the woman is weak is normal in their cultural, saying it's just traditional is re-framing it to divert attention away from what is happening.
This is done to bring you under control and let you know that you belong to his extended family now that you have produced a child for them.

they'd get a big fat
FUCK OFF
from me

Wordthe · 19/01/2019 17:54

there wasn't even a discussion they just assumed I would be okay with it
they assumed that you would do as you're told, because to them it is natural and right that women defer to the wishes of the husband and his family, you are chattel and you belong to them

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 18:10

wordthe I don't think anyone is that outdatsd in our family that they think I'm property of DH, I do think there's an element of "do as you're told" but that's applied to DH too so I think it's because we are the younger generation and they are the elder more than me being the woman.

OP posts:
Tellem2 · 19/01/2019 18:25

So OP how have you decided to go about this?

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 18:28

Conversation between DH and family happening as we speak.

OP posts:
HopeIsNotAStrategy · 19/01/2019 18:33

OP you have my sympathies, this is not fair.

Let me first say that I have been married to a foreigner, albeit not an Asian one, for the best part of thirty years. I completely understand that there has to be some give and take, and understanding of different traditions and ( dreadful phrase) cultural norms . I really do. Respect and embracing the best bits of both cultures is both important and life enriching.

HOWEVER it is not like you moved over to their country and into their lives/ cultures/ homes. They live in your country. And that means not that everything you do is right and everything they do is wrong, but that

a) things are done differently over here, and they cannot pretend to be unaware of that

and

b) They owe a duty of some respect to the culture and values of this society, including (big time) much more respect for women.

It seems to me that there is an awful lot of CFery going on here under the masquerade of being “It’s our culture, don’t dare disrespect it”. It’s an unreasonable and lazy excuse for unreasonable behaviour, and don’t let certain posters here persuade you any differently.

There are times in life and in any marriage when you have to prioritise and put caring for your family first. Not out of any sense of entitlement or being awkward, but because that’s where all of our first priorities lie, or should do. If there were ever such a moment in your life, it must surely be now.

Sort yourselves out, reassure and calm those babies and get them used to you two and your ways of doing things, and deal with the nonsense later. It will wait.

I knew my daughter would need to have maximum trust in us her parents, because we would be asking a lot of her in terms of being flexible because of the life we lead. So in the first stage letting her know we would calmly attend to her needs whenever and wherever was key. It paid massive dividends, and people couldn’t believe how easy she was to look after in subsequent years. It worked because she trusted us and knew whatever was happening she would be fine and she would be cared for.

You need to establish that trust with your children, so please take the time you need to do that, and to reclaim yourself and recover.

You’re doing great.😊

RandomMess · 19/01/2019 18:41

I'd follow the Asian tradition of staying with your Mum for 40 days starting day 1 as being when the last twin left hospital.

I hope things get sorted they are being so selfish and disrespectful to you as person Thanks

perfectstorm · 19/01/2019 18:52

@HopeIsNotAStrategy, what a wise and lovely post.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 18:58

Fuck sake. They still don't get it. Made a sarcastic remark to DH about it and despite him explaining, was met with very short one word responses. Hes telling me they aren't annoyed or off but he is definitely trying to damage control now as he knows I'm upset by this.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/01/2019 19:06

By marrying an Asian man you signed up for this in a way

What did he sign up for?

Tellem2 · 19/01/2019 19:24

A loving wife and perhaps welcomed breathing space as his family seem more 'hardline'. The chance to not be so immersed the parts of his culture that he doesn't like.

Millionsofthings · 19/01/2019 20:15

It’s a two way street.... both parties are equal and both parents so decision making should always be equal however as it’s OP that’s the one recovering from birth it’s up to her who she wants to be in her house seeing her in pjs and wet hair!!

If the DH had just pushed something out his arsehole and was recovering I doubt he would want any of OPs extended family coming to ‘help’ or for cultural reasons!!

Bloody hell no means no!!

Newlea · 19/01/2019 21:48

Ignore the inlaws and focus on yourself. I am Asian and my oldest was prem. Lots of complications. I was quite traumatised by it all. My mum came over to help and I would lash out at her. I would lash out at my husband, even though both of them just wanted to help me. But I don't think they realised how affected I was by the birth. I would cry for hours. It took me a long time to come to terms with what had happened. I wish now that I had had some counselling. I was depressed on and off over a period of time as my daughter struggled to meet her milestones.

Focus on yourself. If needed, move yourself and babies to your mum's house for a while. Say that's your culture. Then your mum can field all calls about visits. Your inlaws will get over it. I say that as an Asian. The max they will do is make comments. Then some other event will happen and this will be forgotten.

I repeat just focus on yourself now. All else is background noise.

Cupcakecafe · 19/01/2019 23:11

They sound absolutely awful, Flowers

Just keep repeating yourself. And if they turn up don't open the door. You are the parents, you decide when you're ready

KoshaMangsho · 19/01/2019 23:33

Indian. With a baby who spent nearly 70 days in the NICU. So I get it. Is this your first children? And if not what did they do last time?

Some of the stuff being bandied about is a little mean- yes, Indians can be loud but India generally is loud. Most Indians find British people a little cold. I once asked a third year UG class if they knew how many siblings their friends had and I was astonished at how many who had been friends for three years didn’t have a clue. As an Indian I find that unfathomable. But hey ho, that’s cultural difference for you.

The breastfeeding as well. There is a strong and helpful breastfeeding culture in India. My MIL (also Indian and relatively conservative) has her flaws but my god, she was a godsend when breastfeeding. She picked up all the slack- cooked, made me tea (and drink some vile soup she claimed would help lactating women) but she was so encouraging during the endless cluster feeds and kept telling me it was normal and to carry on. And all these aunties would call and generally say ‘carry on, it’s shit to start with’ and share their stories. It was brilliant (in hindsight) although i was then too exhausted to appreciate how much of a difference it made to my breastfeeding.

So that community bond can be enormously helpful. But you are not unreasonable to want your privacy. What works best I found (and maybe it’s too late for that) would have been to say ‘the doctors have said that we are to have no visitors for X number of days’ and that’s that. It’s not our choice, that’s what the NICU has told us.
And then when you feel comfortable you can gently let people in.

I have to say I also struggle with the extended Indian family thing but with my kids (including my 26 weeker) a bit older and watching their bond with the wider family I have to say it is lovely. So it’s finding that fine balance between the good things that family has to offer and protecting yourself.

PositivelyPERF · 20/01/2019 00:54

I’m beginning to think one of your in-laws is posting on here, OP!

Tweety1981 · 20/01/2019 01:08

White in-laws can be just as overbearing . Mine wanted in on my midwife appointments and watch me breastfeed . BOTH MIL and FIL . I doubt there is an Asian FIL on the planet who is going to insist on being there to watch the breastfeed ....

Anothermothersusername · 20/01/2019 01:24

He also married into your culture OP so it goes both ways. Perhaps his family need to be reminded of that. Just focus on your beautiful little babies and leave the worrying about these people to your DH. They’re his family after all.

Weenurse · 20/01/2019 02:24

Congratulations on the babies. I hope you can sort this out without WW3 starting. 💐

nocoolnamesleft · 20/01/2019 03:20

They're being insensitive idiots. You sound desperately in need of space and time to properly get to know your precious little twins. Time in NICU just isn't the same. You need...it's a bit of a new age term, but you need a babymoon. Time together, doing as little as possible apart from just being together. And this is the absolute middle of the bronchiolitis season, so really do not want an influx of potentially virally relatives descending in hordes. I despair.

Best of luck. And congratulations on getting your little family together at home!