My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

I’m Asian and I would never stand for such disrespect from the extended family.

for you OP, you have done nothing wrong! You need to prioritise you and your twins needs
Best wishes x

Stand your ground OP. This is not a normal situation. You have two babies and have only been put of hospital a short time.

you married an Indian man. Did you really do no research into his family and culture first? Stuff like this sticks especially considering you’re already an outsider.

Equally, he married a Catholic woman. Did he really do any research into her family and culture? Utter tripe that you seem to believe the woman should be the one to sacrifice her wants and needs for the sake of his culture. Why can't he sacrifice his culture for her wants and needs, given the hellish time she's been through?

I find it astonishing that so many people use words like "selfish" to simply describe a person who is being strong and standing firm in their beliefs. Because being selfish is so much worse than being pushy, ignorant and downright rude, is it? Doubtful.

To be fair, I’m a catholic woman and I really wouldn’t be outraged by people wanting to visit my tiny new babies to welcome them into the family.

Cherries but we want to get to know them first before we focus on fostering their relationships with anyone else.

I also think people should respect my wishes instead of me having to get MIL to do it. I'm their mother, no one else is! They're my babies, not the collective family.

2 days home after that nightmare!! Blimey op tell them they can wait

People really are just utterly awful. My tolerance for this shite nowadays is very very low.

I am NC with almost all of my family because of stuff like the OP describes and a lot more, but I’m not even Asian.

Sounds like the in-laws would have been bad enough without the difficult birth and NICU. Just got home from NICU at the start of Dec, nobody not even grandparents was welcome until my wife (and I) were ready, and our boy was only in NICU for 2 weeks. Both Asian fwiw.

Cause a row, nobody understands what it's like unless they've been through it. Be with your babies in your pyjamas and deal with the fallout later. Phone off, husband can update MIL by WhatsApp and she can update everyone else.

Good luck OP, sorry you're facing even more shit now you're finally home.

Most important is you did everyone else you have been through a lot and your routine and bonding is most important. Your husband married you and what comes with that is respecting your feelings his family need a talking to is your husband up for it? If not you try if you feel you could failing that you need to talk about your anxiety with your health visitor as they can help you you don't want it to develop into post natal depression. Good luck

Did not did silly phone

Sod silly predictive text!!!

mrd hope your baby is doing well, NICU is an experience for sure.

Hi I’m familiar with Asian culture .

With Asian culture it’s your own mum who comes and stays with you ... or actually that you go to hers and she helps you with the baby.

It’s not normal for your Asian mother in law to expect to fill that role ,or insist on coming to stay with you to ‘ look after ‘ you .

Don’t let them pressure you into it, you can do what you want and do things your way .

I’m the Indian here, I have experience of mixed marriages and how they family life can suffer, I have the experience of how to blend cultures. Most of the posters on this thread don’t.

How much experience do you have of traumatic birth, prem twins and babies in NICU?

Which 'experience' is more relevant here?

Could you have a word and just say, I know it is your tradition and I respect that, we are not saying we won't do it, we are just asking that we postpone it a couple of months, as the babies are still so vulnerable, I also would like to be able to enjoy seeing you all, but at the moment you wouldn't be able to due to the extra complications the twins have had to endure. Please respect this for now and then I will be fully prepared to continue do as you ask in a month or two.
It might help for them to hear that you aren't saying no, just not right now.
for your terrible experience and congrats on your babies, try to enjoy them, even with all this going on and I hope you can get it all sorted in a way that suits everyone.

I do like DHs extended family and we have great fun together. They just sometimes overstep the boundaries and while I can compromise, I'm not prepared to be miserable when I want to be with my kids. They also mentioned they want me to go back to work at 6 months? Bizarre thing to say.

If the immediate family have met the babies and are offering support then the rest can wait. You missed out yourself on having your babies at home for 12 weeks so it’s not unreasonable to ask extended family to respect that. Traditions change. This is 2019!

However, you could use technology to keep them out of your hair? What about a video call on your phone or laptop? Arrange a day and get it over with!?

Sounds like those people being impatient and impolite about what your little family needs aren’t earning the “right” to meet your babies in person anyway. Babies aren’t dolls, they shouldn’t be passed around like that - especially babies who have had a traumatic entry into this world. They need to recover, as do you.

That’s another thought - if your babies were in NICU for so long their little immune systems are fragile (I don’t know if this is true, I’m not a medic but it sounds like a plausible spoof to hold back the hoards of busy bodies!!)

They WANT you to go back to work?? Why? Are you supporting them? Ignore them.

Their wants are utterly irrelevant. It’s none of their business when you go back to work.

You’re a better woman than me OP. I would have told them all to go take a hike long before this!

Sorry to hear you had a rough time. Can you come up with some kind of compromise? Say that you would love (I know ) them to come over, but you would really like to have some time alone with the babies first. How about suggesting you have a month at home alone with the babies (or two weeks if you like) and then arrange for them to come then? You need to speak to your husband and make the point that you also need to practise what is traditional for your culture and this would be a compromise.

InlawissuesAgain

So sorry to hear what you and your little family have been through!

By your user name I take it this hasn’t been the first issues you have had with the in laws!!

I had a numerous failed IVF, MC, traumatic pregnancy and birth and when DS arrived I Just wanted time to bond and recover.

I had MIL breathing down my neck
From day one, it was all about her feelings. She hadent had a turn to change him, nurse him... take him out in then pram.... the list when on and on!! My Ds was very unsettled and crying a lot due to a health issue so like you I don’t want to be away from him.

Some people are very selfish!!

My only advise to you is to take the bull by the horns.... nothing stopped for me for years until I spoke to MIL directly and now told her how I wanted things as DS mother!!

DH was constantly in the middle of us and it caused a lot of issues and arguments as like your DH he felt torn!!!!

Next time they call and start to sound off your DH just take the phone and tell them it’s not was not your DH that has had a traumatic delivery it was you!! So it’s up to you if you want them there and as your body is recovering you don’t!! You need your own space along with your babies who are also recovering!! End of conversation!! Do not further engage you don’t have to justify any of it!!!

The sooner you and DH realise you don’t need to listen to this and justify it the easier it will be.... if the call back to give another earful.... put the phone down tell them you are busy looking after your unwell babies that’s your priority not there feelings or expections!!!

This has nothing to do with culture and everything to do with being selfishness and entitled!!

Don’t waste another moment of this precious time worrying about them!! I wasted 4 years and it ruined the birth of both babies!! Believe me I regret that I didn’t put my foot down sooner... start as you mean to go on with them or you will face this forever!!!

@Cherries, whilst it's fine if that works for you and is culturally the norm in your family, that doesn't mean that it works for the OP. Her babies aren't family property - they're hers and her DP's. He doesn't want the whole tribe round either and is only considering it to placate them and avoid a row. OP is not being selfish to want her own mum around her at this time and certainly shouldn't have to artificially reduce contact with her mum in some sense of misguided fairness! 'Help' from extended family is only 'helpful' if you want it - otherwise it's just intrusive, controlling and stressful. You haven't responded at all to OP's very valid point that her DH married into her culture as much as she married into his. At the end of the day, the OP has every right to want her experience with her children to be however feels best for her and her children. Nobody else. The extended family will be able to see the children in due course but for her DH's family and you on these posts to tell her she's selfish and unfair after what she's been through with the birth and afterwards is utterly unreasonable. You're entitled to your opinions, Cherries, but to try to push them on OP by insinuating she is selfish and unreasonable is totally out of line.

You’re a better woman than me OP. I would have told them all to go take a hike long before this!

I have come close to it and DH and I did have one blazing row about it when we were both very sleep deprived. He doesn't agree with them but he started cracking under pressure of me saying I don't want to and visitors constantly asking him. Think we may put our phones on do not disturb!

Don't let DHs extended family bully you Op. As for the remark about going back to work, who the fuck do they think they are? Do they honestly think they are the boss of you? They seem totally over-invested, completely unreasonable and bullying should never be tolerated. Tell them to get to fuck (probably choose slightly different wording). You and DH do what is in yours and your twins best interests and at the moment and that is keeping your DTs healthy.

Both your parents have met the babies that is enough for now.

I suspect, although I don't know, they're encouraging me to go back because then I'd have to leave the twins with someone and they would offer childcare and get in that way. I could be paranoid but why else mention it?

As it happens I'm taking a career break but DH and I haven't told them lol.