My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

@explodingkitten - my cousin is miserable actually.

Cherries That’s really sad. I have a family member with a very difficult spouse. (In ways that make your cousin’s husband’s not wanting his in-laws to stay for 6 months of the year look really quite a minor thing to be honest.)

It’s hard. Sometimes it is very hard. We muddle through, make a massive effort and make it work. Because we care about family member and her dc far more than we care about getting our own way.

It must be heartbreaking for your cousin to discover just how conditional your / her family’s love is.

My in laws wanted to watch me breastfeeding

You say you get on with mil. Could you reach out to her and say that you'd love for her to be around more but you've been told by the hospital that too many people is an infection risk. In a week or two you might feel ready but they're only just home.

@Tweety1981 my mil wanted to watch ds feeding when he was a newborn too 🙈

Right. I am Indian and I also had premature twins born at 27 weeks. They spent 8 and 9 weeks in nicu. My dh isn’t Indian but comes from a culture with similar beliefs as I do.

There is absolutely no way in hell I would of let my dh family or even my family come and stay in my house and take over after the twins came home. Both of our families were so understanding and gave us the space we needed to settle in and for the twins to become stronger. it was almost 6 weeks before extended family met them.

I have no idea what cherries is going on about letting the mother in law ‘lead’ as she put it. This makes no sense. You are the mother. It’s your house. Cherries view is very one sided. You decide. If you’re not comfortable that’s your choice.

As a pp has mentioned, the tradition when you have a baby is that you go back to your own mothers house for 40 days so she can look after you and baby. This is outdated now but some people still do it. It’s a thing to have your in-laws come and stay at your house after.

Do what’s right for your family and stick to your guns. Don’t let anyone for themselves on you

Op I’m from the Sikh faith.
This is not right.
Your babies are more fragile than most.
It’s cold and flu season please please don’t allow these fuckers to visit.
My sil (brothers wife) also Asian, had extended family who wanted to visit, my mum (her mil) said you should be taking it easy. It’s not good to have so many visits when the baby is so young. However her mum had come to stay with her for 7 weeks and said no it will be fine.
On the day they came my brother rang my mum and said can you come mum.
They’d come in a minibus and 2 cars so 25 people in all.
7 kids under 10 and the rest adults.
One of the kids had chicken pox (but it’s ok because the spots are out he’s not infectious - his siblings got them the following week), couple of the elders were coughing and sneezing and they all expected to be waited on hand and foot, 3 course meal.
My mum went over and was horrified, her mum was in tears as was my sil.
My mum sent my brother, sil and baby to her house, fed the visitors and got rid. They were all really offended. They thought it was their right to be there and pampered.
The baby became really unwel and ended up in picu for about 4 weeks.
They don’t care about you or your babies, they just want to say they’ve been and seen the twins.
Once they’ve seen them for 5 mins they’ll sit and gossip over chai and samosas.

The worst part is they come claiming they wanting to help , and before you know it you will find you hardly have a chance to hold the baby unless it’s needs a change or a feed ..

Congratulations on your two babies. As you have barely got them home, I would tell your awful in-laws that they're right, the Indian approach is the way to go and that you will be de-camping to your mum's and staying there undisturbed for 40 days with your babies. As you were unable to do this when they were first born, you will be treating the next few weeks as your post-partum recovery period. Pushing you back to work is horrendous and I've no doubt it's because they want to take on childcare duties.

Shadow thank you, I hope your babies are okay.

You and your DH need to stay strong as a team. Never mind the tradition and cultural norms, this is not a normal situation, you have had a traumatic birth and you and your babies are still recovering.

Talk your PIL and make it clear how important THEY are to you and your babies. Make them as welcome as you can, with your DH’s help of course. The rest of the family are just going to have to get over themselves. Hopefully if your PIL feel included they will help keep the others at bay.

for you and hoping for good outcomes for both your babies.

"Stylish people don't get what's it's like having babies in the nicu unless they've experienced it do they? It's hard to explain."

I don't get this. No, others can't get what it's like, but surely they realise it's incredibly difficult, and means the baby was very unwell? I haven't experienced it, closest was my baby going to SCBU with breathing difficulties while I got taken to theatre, but I wouldn't dream of forcing a visit on anyone who'd had a baby in NICU. Saying that I'd always wait for an invite or ask nicely if a visit was ok regardless of the circumstances of the birth...

If you cultivate your relationship with your mother-in-law then she may be loyal to you but she will probably have a greater loyalty to her extended family and to her cultural traditions so ....she could be a double edged sword

7yo That's what my fear is too. That it's more about making my children out to be toys and then just loitering around my house!

No one culture gets to over ride the other culture. What does over ride culture and tradition is the health and well being of your babies and you. Right now, that means you spending as much time bonding with them as possible. It also means not having all the extended family round spreading any germs to 2 tiny, vulnerable babies. Especially this time of year being cold and flu season.
from a fellow ex nicu mum.

Yea and no they don’t need to be there all the time, they don’t need to watch you breastfeed .. god , my in laws even wanted to be there when my the midwife came to check me over after the birth... claiming that it shouldn’t be a ‘ secret ‘ and that they weren’t ‘ embarrassed ‘ ! WTF ! That was both the MIL and FIL !!!

No no no

No will do .

Yes I think getting MIL onside is key here. We get on quite well so should be doable.

I think people who aren't private don't understand what it's like for people who are. I'm sitting her with a hair turban on wet hair with no makeup and pyjamas on I would be mortified if people wanted to visit me like this even though they don't mind I do.

Fuckinghell @Tweety that is astounding!
as if you're just a piece of equipment there to produce babies 😳

it's just a way of asserting their dominance, your feelings don't matter as long as they're not embarrassed that's all that counts🙄

As a matter of interest, InlawIssues, is the pushy extended family on MIL's side, or FIL's? Just wondering in terms of how much clout MIL would have to tell them all to back the fuck off.

MILs family so she should be able to help us.

See its cases like this that irks me. You signed up for an intercultural marriage, meaning you're signing up for that culture and whatever that entails. However, you can set boundaries.

You have twins so you will need all the help you can get. Eventually his family will stop offering if you keep rejecting, but don't expected to be included in things either, because it'll symbolise to them that you a shunning their culture and people don't take well to that, considering you married one of theirs. Or be surprised that suddenly aunts try to speak into your husbands ear about finding a new partner and putting you down (because that's what busy body aunties do, try to stir up trouble).

It is your husbands job to teach you/get informed about his culture to inform you properly. If he's useless on that, this is the time to extend the good relationship you have with your in-laws. Take a day and invite them (and just them first). Explain to them what is going on, get them on your side, they will be your biggest ally.

Then after time has passed and you can handle the rest, then invite. In the meantime communicate with extended family why they cant come round straight away, or get your in laws to do this. It'll sound better coming from them. Assuming they don't speak I'll of you. But don't say things like 'I want to bond with my kids' because that just translates to I don't want you in my house. Unless you're comfortable with saying that. Telling them to piss off isn't a good idea either.

By marrying an Asian man you signed up for this in a way. It's the grief that can come with being with someone with a rich culture. But it has its upsides too, just navigate your way through it and don't exclude his parents in the process. Capitalise on the fact that you get on. They should defend you the most.

Another Indian NICU mum here. We threw a massive 1st birthday party for DD, 200+ people from both sides of the family - and it was the first time that a lot of the extended family met her. She was in NICU for 3 months, needed significant medical care at home for almost 6 months, then it was winter cold/flu season so we restricted visitors unless it was convenient to us.

I was ready to say that she was too fragile for visitors, checked that people were well, no colds or sniffles (baby was on oxygen, could’ve been hospitalised with a cold), made sure people washed their hands etc. You have to do what’s right for the babies and you. Keep saying no to anything that you are not comfortable with. ‘Doctors orders’ might be easier to explain and harder for family to be dismissive of than you wanting to bond. Have the extended family got no idea of what your NICU journey has been like?! I’m tearing out my hair at their insensitivity.

You signed up for an intercultural marriage, meaning you're signing up for that culture and whatever that entails

Why? Why didn't he sign up for an intercultural marriage and whatever my culture entails? Why is it his culture that overrides mine?

I have no problem taking part in some aspects of it but why I should be expected to just do everything they say under the vague umbrella of culture makes no sense and seems like an excuse for people to bully me into what they want me to do.

@wordthe

Yea . Exactly .