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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be baffled at the upset and anger?

155 replies

Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:27

We have booked our wedding for 18 months time, engaged for 6 months. My dad kindly offered to pay for the venue and food. Although this is a massive help and of course I appreciate it, there is still loads to pay for and we have recently been speaking about how lovely it would be to just do a really small thing and bring it forward to this summer.

No one is happy with this. We haven’t made any plans but my family especially are angry and upset. It was said as a passing comment to them - no plans have been made and the big wedding still stands as going ahead next year.

A big argument occurred last night as I overheard a conversation between two family members bitching. Along the lines of “why, why would they just bring it forward?” “Especially when it’s paid for” “why have they booked a summer holiday then if it’s about the money”. (Meaning I should have put the money towards the wedding).

Recently I’ve began to begrudge putting money away for one day. I want to save it, go holidays, enjoy life. We already live as a married couple, house together and two kids.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 19/01/2019 08:29

Ignore them and so what you want. Although since your dad has offered to pay for some it would be nice to chat to him. Have you already used his money? Will it be forfeited?

Weenurse · 19/01/2019 08:31

Just take you Dad and kids to registry office and do it.
Family BBQ in back yard the next weekend and announce.
Best wedding I ever went to was a house warming BBQ, bride and groom slipped away and got changed. Got married on their front porch between main and desert. Lovely 😊

Babygrey7 · 19/01/2019 08:31

How does bringing it forward save you money?

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 19/01/2019 08:33

Has your dad already paid towards the big wedding?

If so I can understand why they are upset.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:33

No he hasn’t given us anything yet.

He has made several comments about him paying for the wedding, that it’s his wedding, that his speech will feature whatever he wants and go on for how long he wants (as he’s funding the wedding - this is a joke but still). He talks about his guests as if it is his wedding

But it’s not his wedding and we would be paying a lot still - rings, flowers, cars, band, humanist, outfits, photography, transport to the venue etc.

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 19/01/2019 08:34

Give your dad his money back and pop to the local registry office then. Then have your holiday. Pretty simple.

I totally get begrudging money for just one day but then it's a little ride to take someone else's for the exact same reason.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:34

Because we would literally have 20-30 people instead of 100. The wedding would just be the registry office and dinner.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/01/2019 08:35

I’d be really pissed off if I’d paid money to a big wedding and then that was lost because they changed their minds.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:35

I haven’t taken his money.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/01/2019 08:35

Ah, cross posts. If he’s not paid then crack on.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:35

We paid £500 deposit to secure the date. We will loose that. Not my dad. No other money has been paid.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 19/01/2019 08:36

Do the registry office thing, just you two, then have a big party for the people you love. Food, music, booze. Married.

NotANotMan · 19/01/2019 08:37

Turn down the offer of money if you want to do it differently
Money often comes with strings attached

chordFire · 19/01/2019 08:37

If nothing has been paid for yet then do your own thing and preset it as a fait accompli.

Let them do their winging if they want to and say they don't have to come if they feel strongly about doing it your way.

Be very matter of fact when talking about it or responding to emotional outbursts.

DanglyBangly · 19/01/2019 08:39

Do what you want and ignore them. They’ve had their own weddings in their way and now it’s your turn.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 19/01/2019 08:39

Sorry, cross post. Do your plan. Sounds lovely. Your family not so much. It seems they quite like to show off. But it’s your day. If you pay for it you get to make all the decisions.

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 19/01/2019 08:39

In that case just ignore them. Don't discuss your plans. Just send out invited to who you want when you're ready. Talk about it with your friends or others who will be happy and excited for you.

Nativityriot · 19/01/2019 08:41

Honestly, we paid for every penny of our (35 people) wedding because I could t be bothered dealing with this. So freeing.

Parthenope · 19/01/2019 08:44

You don’t ‘owe’ anyone a wedding. We didn’t have any guests at ours, and in fact didn’t tell anyone we’d got married till months later, and I feel sure there were rumblings of discontent, but for us getting married was a minor logistical issue (together very long term already), not a reason to spend £20 k and crank out hats, buffets and favours.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:44

Thanks. Sometimes I need to hear it from someone else that this isn’t right to believe it.

OP posts:
Twotinydictators · 19/01/2019 08:47

I really don't understand famillies like this and it makes me so grateful that mine are so drama free! Aside from ensuring you don't loose any of the money your dad has kindly gifted, I would do exactly what you want. It's always nice to work things around your family, like not doing it on your nieces birthday etc. but otherwise the scale, time and location should be your choice.

We eloped to get married, completley alone, and although everyone would have loved to be there they understood the reasons behind our decision and were happy for us.

I second a PP, I would have a lovely summer BBQ and keep it low key, fun and stress free.

ProfYaffle · 19/01/2019 08:48

Do it.

We had a very similar scenario. We sacrificed the deposit (got it back later when the venue re-booked the date though) We had the registry office wedding and loved it. The day was much more 'us' than a big wedding.

Yes we had an inexplicable amount of stress when we broke the news but everyone got over it and we got the day we wanted.

Sewrainbow · 19/01/2019 08:48

I wonder whether your dad has made a thing to others about him paying for the wedding and is now worried he will look cheap by not having a bigger do. Also the "jokes" you say he has made sound like he wants to control it. If he is talking about arrangements like it is his day then he is too invested and sees it as a reflection on him/how he wants it to bad and not taking into account your feelings.

I would take no money at all, have the wedding your way this summer.

emilybrontescorsett · 19/01/2019 08:49

Have the small wedding and pay for it yourselves.
You already live together and have children so I think this is more fitting than a huge white wedding although others may disagree.
If you allow someone to pay towards it then you are consenting to their wishes, that is how it is.

Grace212 · 19/01/2019 08:50

I think some people are treating it as a status thing. Ridiculous I know. Just crack on with your new plan.

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