To be baffled at the upset and anger?

[Hopskipjumping]

We have booked our wedding for 18 months time, engaged for 6 months. My dad kindly offered to pay for the venue and food. Although this is a massive help and of course I appreciate it, there is still loads to pay for and we have recently been speaking about how lovely it would be to just do a really small thing and bring it forward to this summer.

No one is happy with this. We haven’t made any plans but my family especially are angry and upset. It was said as a passing comment to them - no plans have been made and the big wedding still stands as going ahead next year.

A big argument occurred last night as I overheard a conversation between two family members bitching. Along the lines of “why, why would they just bring it forward?” “Especially when it’s paid for” “why have they booked a summer holiday then if it’s about the money”. (Meaning I should have put the money towards the wedding).

Recently I’ve began to begrudge putting money away for one day. I want to save it, go holidays, enjoy life. We already live as a married couple, house together and two kids.

i had mine booked and because of prople expecting me to jump to there tune i cancelled it , changed the date told our parents a few days before we had 9 people at our wedding spent £1200 including our outfits had a fab day and have been married 20 years this year , my cousin caved to the pressure of a £22,000 wedding and divorced a year later . do what you want id rather have a hol with the kids than spend money on people we hardly see from one year to the next

SOD them. What a cheek. Have your tiny little inexpensive wedding and fuck the lot of them.

You poor thing.

And I hope you will both be very happy.

I suggest you get on and arrange the wedding you want and present it to them as a fait accompli, take it or leave it. They'll get over it soon enough and move on to the next source of gossip.

Have the wedding you want. Make the arrangements, send out the invitations. Respond to the naysayers with 'sorry you feel that way'.

You don't owe anyone an explanation about your choice. Don't talk about money or anything else.

Take your dad aside and have a forthright talk with him. Turn down his offer of money. Assure him he can still make the world's best speech. Make sure your mum gets a prominent seat.

As a tangent here - your family seem very familiar with the details of your lives, that you are going on holiday this summer, etc. Is this a family where everyone knows everyone else's business? Maybe start keeping things closer to your chest in future. You just leave yourselves open to criticism when everyone is aware of your plans and finances.

Honestly from one bride to be to another - do what you want and to hell with your family and their opinions. Dp and I are getting married next year and I have a huge family whereas his is mainly just him, his son (my ss) and potentially some aunts and grandparents but they don't speak much and live in another country so may not come to the wedding.

My family are being really nice and rather than gifts, helping pay towards it. Gran paid someone she knows to make us invites and save the date cards. We appreciated this but got them last night (18 months before the wedding) and there's nowhere to put the guests names other than the envelope. They're cream instead of the white I had requested and they never checked the timings with us so I need to ensure with the venue that the evening reception starts at 7. I now wish we had just done it ourselves.

My mum has paid towards flooring in our home as a gift and is also paying for our drinks package. My dad kindly offered to pay for a week's honeymoon.
My parents aren't exactly well off and will be giving up their holiday abroad next year to pay for this but my mum is very opinionated and I'm starting to wish we had not bothered to accept any help.

Mum keeps making comments about us spending money which should be going to the wedding ( apparently I'm spending all my time at home with dp and need to see my friends more but when I make plans with friends I get grief over spending money). She also announced the other week that she will pay the extra for 10 more guests.
Basically, my family is massive and complicated and I'm almost 27 and still only met maybe a 3rd of them. My mum is the type to "not care what anyone thinks" but is not trying to dictate who we invite. I made a mock guest list a few months back and there were 10 spaces left for the full day which is stated would be for dp family. My mum then said "well if they don't go that means xyz can come". I had to blatantly tell her no, that means dp has 10 invitations to give out.

I honestly am starting to wish we had done it just us and had a party after but this is down to my family not dp so I put my big girl pants on and told all family that me and dp are splitting the numbers 50/50 so he gets half and I get half. I will be inviting only family I see often who make effort with me and not giving out invites to please anyone. It's a wedding and not just an excuse for my huge family to have a big get together and me and dp expense.

Sorry-that turned into a bit of a rant but trust me. Do what you want and don't accept any help of it has strings. I still have time to speak to my mum and get my point across but we can't cancel yet as paid too much to lose. You still have options 😌

Sorry for the typos... Mum would decide who the extra 10 guests are that she pays for and I should also mention that I said we would need std cards roughly a year before and the actual invites about 8-10 months as it's a summer wedding. I was just handed a bag of invites etc last night.

At the end of the day it's you and your dp's day so do what will make you happy. Spending the money you would have used to travel and make memories with your family is a great use of the money - my wedding it totalling around £10,000 which makes my ears bleed to think about but I only plan on doing it once and there are some family I would love to be there for it so big wedding it is for me 😊

Registry office followed by a barbie in the garden sounds perfect to me!

I adored my big wedding, which was only medium-traditional and a giant party for the 150 people I cared about most in the world (giant families, giant friendship groups, it take a village feeling, etc.).

But that was the wedding I wanted, not the one I did because I thought I should. I have family who had a wedding ceremony with only two witnesses (it did cause some hurt feelings, as they were youngish and parents weren't invited, but everyone got over it). They loved their day and would have been miserable in mine; I loved my day and would have miserable in theirs.

Don't throw good money after bad--have the wedding you want.

gretna green

You have a home and two kids, you need to prioritise where your money goes. If what you want is a smaller wedding then let it be, with your familys’ comments I wouldn’t accept any financial help either. Personally, I had a beautiful unforgettable wedding that was registry office in our favourite fancy clothes, not necessarily new, brother in law drove us there, then our favourite restaurant, 12 people in total, absolutely beautiful, stress free. No debts or stress at any point.

He talks about his guests as if it is his wedding
Your dad is a selfish and egotistical git.
He's had TWO weddings of his own!
Yet he thinks he can make yours all about him and his wants as well.

I take it you've always 'gone along' with his/other family members decisions and never 'rocked the boat'?
Going on your holiday independently of them is you breaking away from that control and they don't like it.
Don't be surprised if they increase the verbal and emotional abuse/manipulation to try and get you 'back in line'.

Now you've seen their other colours, don't get pulled back in to their dysfunctions.

Can't understand all this grand wedding affairs when been living together and produced children. Why are you getting married, you already seemed to have made THE BIG COMMITMENT. If you are determined to have a ceremony of some kind then a registry would suffice surely. Tell your family that all you want is to make your relationship official and it doesn't need a lot of expense to do that.

There's nothing worse than a financial gift with strings attached - it's not really a gift, it's an obligation.

Do your own thing on your terms and knickers to them, I say 😊

Careful your dad make the day all about him, that would really piss me off. This day is all about you and your fiancé, you absolutely must do what YOU want, sod anyone else.

Why not do a registry office wedding with family only and have a big party. No sit down meal just a dj buffet or something like that. Your dad can still give a speech and have everyone you love celebrate but it keeps the wedding simple in that you can drive your selves no need for half the stuff. Get family to take photos as lots of phones are excellent in quality now days, pick some flowers you like in your local florist or shop on the day and create your own bouquet with a little ribbon. Keep the ceremony simple and just have a party with everyone at the venue. No sit down meal saves a fortune for your dad but it would be a compromise on both sides to keep costs down yet still celebrate with everyone. Mock up a blank invite without guest names email it or facebook it to everyone save cost of buying and time writing them.

We decided to have a small wedding, quickly, then a bigger ( but still cheap and cheerful party) later in the summer. The wedding ceremony was lovely, followed by a celebration lunch at my parents house. BUT, a whole gang of our friends overuled us and came 500 miles to turn up at the church, we ended up having to take them all out to an Italian restaurant later on, my In laws had a big meal in a fancy restaurant for all their friends which we had to put in a guest appearance at that same evening. I'm laws also had a big meal for my FILs family ( who don't get on with MILs lot) a few weeks later and then a party in a marquee in their garden for their friends again and the rest of the family. By the time we had our village hall do it was old hat for the in-laws, very irritating but they had been to lots of big weddings and felt embarrassed not to be reciprocating, I'd rather they'd done what my Dad did and given us cash as we'd saved him paying for a fancy do!

We had a big traditional wedding, funded by parents. Most of it I 100% loved and wouldn't change. The thing I would change is the people we invited to keep the peace - we were talked into it and as the situation with these people subsequently got much, much worse, I wish I'd listened to my gut and said no. It's silly, but I sort of resent that they were at our wedding. So if you want a small wedding with only people you really like and love, I'd say do it!

The only "extra" I'd really say to go for is the photographer, just for candid/reportage of the fun you all had at dinner etc after. Perhaps keep the peace by letting your dad do his speech as he likes... As for the rest, just do what suits your feelings and budget.

We were in a similar situation. My parents didn't offer to pay for anything, but implied that they will help out. Nothing was specified though. Then over the days between Christmas and NYE my mum kept on looking at wedding dresses, all fluff, white, cinderella types. I'm into roleplaying, sci-fi, fantasy, reading and was training to be a car mechanic at the time. Yeah, real fluffy girl....
And my mum also made a huge fuss about inviting some cousin or such who I have never seen before. And some other relatives I have last seen when I was 3 yrs old. She said we needed to cut down the number of friends to invite so we have room for family.
On the first day of the new year we agreed with my husband to elope.
We had our council ceremony on the 6th of January. We went to buy a dress for me a day before after work. It's a beautiful maroon/black no frills, simple dress. (it fits me again :) )
We had 2 witnesses at the wedding, went out to lunch with them after the "ceremony" and had great laughs :)
I called my mum early afternoon to tell her we are married. She didn't take it well.... but came around in a few days.
This was 16 years ago.
A wedding/marriage is about me and my husband. It's not a wider family thing. IMO

I think you know what you're going to do OP.
You've already described the wedding you actually want. Its very clear in your head and on the page. It sounds lovely. As does the family holiday.

Your dad is going to have to suck it up. You have to tell him kindly that you really appreciate his offer, but you don't want a big wedding and have made the decision to have a smaller gathering this year, to which of course he is invited. Be prepared for the fallout and be strong.

Do what you want, it's your day after all. In my experience, no matter what you do you won't please everybody, so you should please yourself and the rest will just have to lump it!

To summarize my long winded post, go-ahead with your pared down wedding but be prepared to say no to family adding on elaborate extra events to fulfil their needs.

OP - you said you're really looking forward to your family holiday later this summer so why not plan this as your wedding? You can then come back and have a party/BBQ/buffet thing in a local venue to celebrate with family and friends.

This is what we're doing - my son is autistic and wouldn't cope with a big bash. Plus I lost my dad a few years back and it would be hard seeing everyone else there for a traditional day, with a space where he should be. My DP and I can't wait to get married with just us and the kids there. The only stipulation I made was that I still want to buy a proper wedding dress and get some photos taken. My mum isn't best pleased and I totally get that - I'd be disappointed too. But I think she understands - plus she went to Italy to get married and I couldn't go because I don't fly, and she knew that when she booked. This is your day - do what makes you happy.

Id book the registry office just before your holiday, have the kids there and friends as witnesses and then go on your holiday

I've been married 25 years and been to many many weddings over the years. We had registry office and then garden picnic type thing at my mum and dad's. Very relaxed and so many people said it was one of the loveliest days!
You and your partner do what YOU want to do. It's YOUR day, no one else's.
Speak to your dad, explain the reason for change and as its not going to be a big grand affair and he doesn't want to contribute towards the cost then you are happy with that.
Good luck with whatever you decide and take no notice of any that seem to have lost sight of the fact it's your day xx

if he doesn't want to contribute