To be baffled at the upset and anger?

[Hopskipjumping]

We have booked our wedding for 18 months time, engaged for 6 months. My dad kindly offered to pay for the venue and food. Although this is a massive help and of course I appreciate it, there is still loads to pay for and we have recently been speaking about how lovely it would be to just do a really small thing and bring it forward to this summer.

No one is happy with this. We haven’t made any plans but my family especially are angry and upset. It was said as a passing comment to them - no plans have been made and the big wedding still stands as going ahead next year.

A big argument occurred last night as I overheard a conversation between two family members bitching. Along the lines of “why, why would they just bring it forward?” “Especially when it’s paid for” “why have they booked a summer holiday then if it’s about the money”. (Meaning I should have put the money towards the wedding).

Recently I’ve began to begrudge putting money away for one day. I want to save it, go holidays, enjoy life. We already live as a married couple, house together and two kids.

Is your dad normally controlling and domineering?

In the context of your last updates it sounds like the actual cause of all the bitching is that you're stepping out of their shadow and control, for example by asserting your own wants and needs about your holiday arrangements.

People tend not to like it if somebody passive starts to become more assertive, especially if those people tend towards being controlling already.

It makes much more sense to lose £500 but spend less overall and have a day that you are happy with and doesn't compromise the life you want to live before and afterwards, than to not lose the £500 but incur greater costs on a day you are unhappy with, get no say in, and isn't even about the two of you anymore and that compromises the quality of life you live before and afterwards.

Also, some people will bitch about anything. I've known people who bitched about someone being treated for cancer because they didn't think the person was being sufficiently positive. (Which continues to disgust me.) You need to value your own judgement about what is right for you and how you want to live more than that of others.

Here's what I would do.
Go on holiday and whilst there get married.
Come back and have a party or meal to celebrate. If he wants to spend cash on food, do the speech etc he can.

Oh and I wouldn't tell them anything until you are back and make the announcement,

God's sake op - it's your life, your wedding, your choice, your rules.
For what it's worth, H and I got married on the cheap - register office ceremony in the Town Hall and then all back to mum and dad's for a party.
If my mum and dad were put out they never let on; everyone had a great day / evening and we're still married 47 years later.

My late uncle met my aunt when they were penniless art students. He was well aware that his mother had a big, elaborate wedding in mind for her offspring (think top hat and tails....)
As they were both living in London, the banns escaped DM's attention. They nipped into the registry office one morning when they were both free, tied the knot, (best student mates as witnesses), tea and buns at Joe Lyons and back to college for afternoon lectures. He told his DM a few weeks later that he was a married man. Considerable flack - but a happy marriage of more than thirty years ensued, ended only by his death.
A wedding day is just that - one day. To all intents and purposes, you're already working on the lifelong commitment of a marriage, and if your DF has money to spare, he could make a gift towards making your married life happier - better housing, a lovely family holiday.
Alternatively, have you considered telling all and sundry that it's all been too much, the wedding is off completely? Following this nuclear option, you could then "concede" the point and "agree" to a more modest affair, which suits you better?

There is a massive difference between a small wedding and one with a 100 or so guests.

Do what makes you happy.

Don't be caught out by the sunk costs fallacy OP - yes, £500 sounds a lot to lose.

But - if the wedding that your dad wants is going to cost say £15,000 and you're still going to have to find £7,500 to contribute towards it, but the wedding you want to have is only going to cost £5,000 then actually - you will still be much better off by not going ahead with the original plans.

Obviously I have no idea of your actual costs or what amount (or proportion of the total) that your dad wants to pay towards the 'big' wedding plan. but if you juggle around the figures with your own, I guessing that there's a good chance that in actual money terms having the smaller wedding you want will be cheaper to you, even if you don't take any money from your dad.

Could you look at dates to see if you could turn your family holiday into a honeymoon by booking the wedding just before? And then obviously your family wouldn't be invited as who takes their dad and stepmum on honeymoon with them!!

It would be worth doing a quick look to see if there is availability to do a small local wedding near you this year. If everything is booked then you know it can't be done. But if there are dates available for the registrar that would be a good starting point for looking to see if there were any nice small places you like that have availability on those dates the registrar is free and you'd like to do it (even if you don't use your holiday as a honeymoon!), look at the costs, draw up your new shortened improved list of guests, talk it through with your dp and go for it - present it as a finished move, booked, the other date cancelled, and enjoy the wedding that you want.

If your dad says anything, tell him that this is your wedding and he can go and renew his own vows with SM if he wants to have a wedding his way.

Probably best to check out your parents/dp's parents/critical friends and family dates in advance too if you want them there. Or maybe to find out when they're away so have to miss it...-

seeing the updates, your dad saw the big wedding as his ego trip - sorry.

We’ve just cancelled our big white wedding this week!

In the end we figured out that weird feeling in the pit of our stomachs that neither of us were addressing or admitting was dread over what we’d let ourselves be talked in to.

There is cultural reason (my OH is not white British) as to why we felt we had to do a big wedding costing more than your average house deposit but I’m the end it’s our wedding and we’ll do whatever makes us happy so we are eloping!

Not even taking the kids just us (well and a photographer too for a few hours) next year down in Cornwall, BoHo Cornwall Elopments to be exact. Buggering off for a few lovely days just us and will come back married, it’s so much more us and we’re really happy.

Families aren’t really happy though, we’ve had lots of judgmental comments but I really don’t care.

We are planning a party in a local events place, buffet and DJ but no cake or flowers. I’m wearing my dress again and a photographer friend will take some snaps and the kids will wear cute outfits and we’ll party the night away! It’s perfect for us.

I think the day you want sounds lovely. Plan and pay for things yourselves and you have the control.
Agree with suggested holiday as honey moon. That will nip Dad in the bud..

Go with what you want. My parents gave us a lump sum towards the cost of our wedding. We used it for the honeymoon which we were all happy with. They didn't mind what we spent it on and it meant that they couldn't interfere too much on our plans. In the end, I think they liked the fact that they had bought us the holiday as we loved it and thanked them for it specifically.

Your update would infuriate me. It's not your dad's wedding!

Take it back. Cancel the wedding, book the registry hall and the room in the restaurant.

Invite only who you want there.

If you want to throw your dad a bone, tell him he can still give his speech at the dinner.

Have the day you want. It's your day, not his.

I couldn't face the whole wedding nightmare so we told no one, booked the registry office and a lovely restaurant at a location and went away for the weekend with 6 of our best friends. We were all sitting around on the first evening discussing what we were going to do the next day, and my OH said "why don't you come to our wedding?". We had to get the rings out before anyone believed us!

It was fabulous. Swift ceremony, followed by lovely lunch that went long into the evening.
Not so great phoning to tell the parents, but it was a done deal, we were married and whatever they had wanted to do was no longer relevant.

I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You'll have to live with your regrets if you don't do your wedding the way you want it, and your dad's way sounds the total opposite of what you'd be comfortable with.

My mum insisted on providing my dress - buying the material and having her friend make it - because she'd done this for my sister. Fine for her but it wasn't what I wanted. It's the sole regret I have of our wedding, which was otherwise how we wanted it. People say now "Oh but your dress was beautiful!" Uh-huh. Sure. It wasn't what I had wanted though, and I'm annoyed at myself for not having the balls to say No to my mum, who thought she was being fair to us both.

Glad you're realising all this for yourselves before you make commitments OP. Stand firm!

You are not being unreasonable, take back control and book what you want.

My DM did try and push for a more traditional wedding & larger quest list ...even to trying to change the venue at the last minute.....a whole other story.

But afterwards, everyone loved my wedding including my DM. It was lovely and relaxed, beautiful registry office & then a BBQ afterwards. Yes a BBQ, no food wastage, bouncy castles for the children, a bar for the adults. It was still big by many people's standards (huge family), but a 100 people instead of 350 was far more manageable & more enjoyable for all.

You absolutely right to have exactly the sort of wedding you want, A small wedding sounds lovely, so much money wasted on big weddings, for what? A big show off? Do what you want, they will get over it. Big weddings always cause arguments

Ahhh - so he wants to play the Big Man and have his DD's wedding all about him then, does he?
Definitely stop it now.
He's at the very least a selfish show off, and doesn't actually care about your feelings on the matter at all - so pull the plug and do it your way.

He's going to bitch and whinge about it, but does it really matter if he does? He can't DO anything about it once you change your plans. And if he does create more hassle, then uninvite him and do the eloping thing instead!

Even worse now that you've said about your mum effectively being sidelined.

When is your holiday? At this stage if there is time to book the registry office I would do that for a day or 2 before your holiday. Go on holiday, come home and tell everyone you are married. Then, and only if you both feel like it, have a small gathering of your parents, siblings and close friends - finger food in the local pub would be so much better than a sit down meal for 100 people and a tonne of stress. It's up to you and your partner to make the decision to suit yourselves. You really don't need to consider anyone else when deciding on what to do for your wedding. Thank your father for his kind offer now and tell him you are looking into other options (no further info required) so you actually won't need any financial assistance.

Do what YOU want - we had 16 people at our wedding and it was bloody lovely!!

I wouldn't discuss anything with anyone else in regards to the wedding. Book the registry and whatever else you want in the way of reception venue/cars/flowers etc, then send the invites out. They can either like it or lump it. Which was my attitude when I got married the second time!

So they're annoyed you want to save your money instead of spending it on a big party for them?! Wow. Very selfish.

lmho you will never hear the end of how much money your Dad spent on the wedding and always be made to feel beholden. I would do whatever you want to do OP and to hell with anyone else.

please nip this in the bud. I had to undergo the 'big' wedding and except for the dress we paid for everything. Both my parents and his spent the entire time showing off and I hated it. I cried myself to sleep that night. Move forward 20 years, we're still happily married and very much in love with 4 kids, but I've never looked at my wedding video, and rarely look at the pictures. The entire event was mainly for my parents (and to some degree his) and I still feel sad thinking about it. I really can't see the point of re-newing our vows, but have discouraged my own kids from bothering with a wedding.

Like pp has said, this sounds like a control issue and the more you break free the hard they will (initially) impose their control over you. Stand firm! It took me until I was 40 to break free!

You have two kids together so what is the point of the big "bringing two families together " wedding? Your responsibilities lie with the family you have made together, they are the ones who you should be celebrating with.

If you can't please everyone then please the ones who mean the most to you.

Yep. If no one else is out of pocket just tell them you have changed your mind and don’t want to have to wait so long to pledge your love to each other. Have the wedding you want and give your dad the opportunity to make a speech if he wants. Your wedding, your choice!