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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be baffled at the upset and anger?

155 replies

Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:27

We have booked our wedding for 18 months time, engaged for 6 months. My dad kindly offered to pay for the venue and food. Although this is a massive help and of course I appreciate it, there is still loads to pay for and we have recently been speaking about how lovely it would be to just do a really small thing and bring it forward to this summer.

No one is happy with this. We haven’t made any plans but my family especially are angry and upset. It was said as a passing comment to them - no plans have been made and the big wedding still stands as going ahead next year.

A big argument occurred last night as I overheard a conversation between two family members bitching. Along the lines of “why, why would they just bring it forward?” “Especially when it’s paid for” “why have they booked a summer holiday then if it’s about the money”. (Meaning I should have put the money towards the wedding).

Recently I’ve began to begrudge putting money away for one day. I want to save it, go holidays, enjoy life. We already live as a married couple, house together and two kids.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 19/01/2019 08:51

Maybe if the wedding was originally planned to be 18 months ago, dad was planning to save money over that time for the wedding.

BlueJava · 19/01/2019 08:52

Do it however you want - but do talk to your Dad as he made a very kind offer and explain why you don't want to use his money. It sounds like there would be strings attached anyway!

Twotinydictators · 19/01/2019 08:53

Just seen your update - I would rather pay for it myself than have my dad keep ramming it down my throat! Mine paid for our whole wedding/honeymoon abroad (just the two of us) and I didn't hear another word about it then or since.

Mix56 · 19/01/2019 08:53

Stop this now. Say this wedding is becoming a whole hype that you don't want& he doesn't need to pay anything, you will do it your way, its your wedding. & if this gets into a bun fight you will go to the registry office one afternoon & be done with it.

daisypond · 19/01/2019 08:53

Have the smaller wedding. Explain to your relatives again.

NailsNeedDoing · 19/01/2019 08:55

They're probably just disappointed because they were looking forward to the wedding you had told them to expect, and now you want to change it. I think that's understandable.

Plan what you want and then tell them when it's a done deal, they'll get over it.

icannotremember · 19/01/2019 08:56

Oh definitely have the smaller wedding. It's your wedding after all!

Owwlie · 19/01/2019 08:59

Have the smaller day that you want! Forget what they think. And to be honest, I wouldn't let your dad pay a penny. Sounds like he wants to use that as a chance to take over and will no doubt be telling people he paid for it, even though he's not paying for it all!

We had similar from my parents and MIL. We wanted a small, immediate family and close friends only (about 40 people max) wedding. But they moaned about us not inviting our aunts and uncles (who we very rarely see) so now we are getting married just us and 2 friends as witnesses. And I'm so glad.

They don't want you to have the big day so they can celebrate with you OP. They want it so they can show off about what a big day you had and how much it all cost. With my parents it was like a competition, they wanted to be able to compete with what my cousins did, to show off to my aunts and uncles. Not worth the hassle at all.

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 09:01

It sounds as if your relatives are upset at the prospect of losing out on a big piss-up. The suggestion that you should give up your holiday to finance it is really quiet offensive. Ignore them.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 19/01/2019 09:05

Do what you and your fiance want not anyone else,it is YOUR day,I speak from experience please don't be pressured into a wedding you don't really want x

butterflywings37 · 19/01/2019 09:05

It's your wedding, do what you want to do.
It will be you that looks back on the day with the 'what ifs' or regrets if you actually wanted something different.

elasticfantastic · 19/01/2019 09:10

Do whatever wedding you want it's your wedding.
Regards guests, just be prepared that some guests will already have plans. Holidays booked/other weddings etc. Also many people may struggle to get time off work ... many companies summer holidays are already booked up ... I can't book any time off in July and August because other people in my team have already booked their summer holidays... they're probably just thinking that it may be a problem for them to attend at this short notice.
So long as you don't get annoyed if people can't attend then bring it forward.

Bungleinthejungle · 19/01/2019 09:11

Do the wedding that you want. But I'd have to admit I'd be incredibly hurt if my children just eloped. I wouldn't care if was the Registry office in jeans and T-shirt and bangers and mash at the pub. But I'd like to be there. I know that's not a cool opinion on MN though.

InfiniteVariety · 19/01/2019 09:14

Does your fiancé feel the same about it as you? If so you should absolutely go ahead and have the smaller wedding the 2 of you want, rather than the larger wedding other people want

Lemoneeza · 19/01/2019 09:14

Family money gifts for wedding costs come with huge strings.
If your dad has not yet paid any money, do it your way and pay for it all yourself.

For anyone about to plan a wedding: do not discuss it with your family until you are 100% sure on what you want. It will make your life so much easier.

Xenia · 19/01/2019 09:15

Your father sounds weird calling it "his" wedding. Also whyshould he give the speech? I gave the parent speech at my offspring's wedding.
Do it sooner - surely a lot of families would like the living in sin bit over with particualrly as children have been born out of wedlock and will be legitimised by the wedding - i am writing here along the lines of what older people often think so the elderly relatives who might be at the wedding., the father who is paying here etc.

We had a church wedding organised in about 2 months with sit down meal. Just because it's quickly done doesn't mean it has to cost a fortune and if the family want lots of relatives there that can still be done cheaply with a buffet etc. I wouldsn't elope however as that is not fair on family. What about a slightly cheaper one this year which contains elements of what your father wants and also what you want?

WhatwouldCJdo · 19/01/2019 09:17

What do you want to do?

Do that.

(Whatever you do, someone will blather on miserably about it so do what feels right for you).

redwitch5 · 19/01/2019 09:17

Mum and Dad gave their parents one weeks notice when they got married at a registry office. Mum wore one of her "good" dresses, no buying anything new.
In your place I'd be tempted to slip over to Gretna Green and then tell your families after. Yes this is still a thing, other couples have done the "instant ceremony", you may have heard the screaming when they got home Grin Or just yeah, registry office wedding. Let them have the party, you have the honeymoon Wink

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 09:20

Honestly the thought of the big day scares me. I’m an introvert, over thinker and plan everything to the finest detail. I can’t be arsed with it for one day.

I would still have a nice day. There’s a lovely registry office in town. Traditional building and nice decor. Then there’s a restaurant close by. We would hire a private room with a big long table. The room is beautifully decorated. We would sit at the top of the table and everyone could eat and drink all night.

OP posts:
YoureAMeanOneMrGrinch · 19/01/2019 09:21

I felt so much pressure just looking for venues, how many guests etc that 2 days before booking a venue I said I didn't want to do it, so we stopped planning a wedding. That was summer 2016. In January 2018 we met with a vicar to discuss our sons christening and he suggested doing a christening then finishing it off with a surprise wedding, so we did.

Our immediate family knew, but it was lovely to have people there that were there for our son, not just because it was a wedding. We then had the christening party in a function room and arranged an evening party a month later for the guests who couldn't make it. It was so laid back and chilled, no stress! I would recommend a similar style wedding to anyone!

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 09:21

My dad is the opposite. Massive extrovert loves being the centre of attention. Has been planning his speech since I got engaged. I just don’t like the fuss.

OP posts:
CrossedToTheDarkSide · 19/01/2019 09:21

I recently “eloped” to Gretna Green and it was the best decision and day of my life. Absolutely everything I dreamt it would be and it was so personal and stress free!! They organised everything, it was a 100th of the price of anything big, we just had to book it and show up!! 100% would recommend something similar if you have any doubts about a huge wedding!

redwitch5 · 19/01/2019 09:24

Just remembered something I read ages ago "You have the ceremony for yourself, you have the wedding for your family". I guess I can see both sides really. It is a big cash guzzling day but it's also a celebration.
Hmm, tricky. We can only give our views, you have to decide, good luck. Smile and here Cake

Firstbornunicorn · 19/01/2019 09:25

This happened when I was getting married, only it was my in-laws who wanted a big shindig. My mum is like me

getawayslough · 19/01/2019 09:31

''But it’s not his wedding and we would be paying a lot still - rings, flowers, cars, band, humanist, outfits, photography, transport to the venue etc.''

you don't need all these things for a wedding. Infact apart from the rings,none are necessities....I say do what you and dp want, it is YOUR day, YOUR decision and you are both adults and to feel bullied into having the big white wedding is absurd. If you want a quiet one do it. My 2 ds both had private weddings and they were lovely days- only a select few invited.