To be baffled at the upset and anger?

[Hopskipjumping]

We have booked our wedding for 18 months time, engaged for 6 months. My dad kindly offered to pay for the venue and food. Although this is a massive help and of course I appreciate it, there is still loads to pay for and we have recently been speaking about how lovely it would be to just do a really small thing and bring it forward to this summer.

No one is happy with this. We haven’t made any plans but my family especially are angry and upset. It was said as a passing comment to them - no plans have been made and the big wedding still stands as going ahead next year.

A big argument occurred last night as I overheard a conversation between two family members bitching. Along the lines of “why, why would they just bring it forward?” “Especially when it’s paid for” “why have they booked a summer holiday then if it’s about the money”. (Meaning I should have put the money towards the wedding).

Recently I’ve began to begrudge putting money away for one day. I want to save it, go holidays, enjoy life. We already live as a married couple, house together and two kids.

Whoops, posted too soon!
Anyway, my mum understood why I wanted to elope, and offered some money toward flights if I decided to go ahead with it.
My MIL said she'd never speak to us again if we did, and bizarrely, claimed that my mum couldn't possibly really be happy about us eloping.
We ended up with a wedding that was too traditional for my liking. We managed to keep the main reception to around 40 people, but it was still 38 more people than I wanted there. And there was a lot of whinging about how MIL didn't get to invite her knitting group or all her cousins (i.e. people we don't know... We paid for the damn thing!).
Seriously, do what you want. Don't let your family pressure you. Don't take any money from your dad, just have your small, lovely wedding. Your family will get over it!

We were planning a medium sized wedding, until future MIL told DP some people she wanted to invite, DP said he wasn't having anyone he didn't know at our wedding, we discussed it, brought the wedding forward. there were 11 of us in total, had a brilliant day, FIL still says it was the best wedding he's ever been to.
We then had a party a few weeks later for all out friends. I would do it again tomorrow

Ignore them, and have the wedding you want.

We had 30 at a registry office, then a lovely meal in a gorgeous country pub - in the conservatory, with full blooming bougainvillea spilling everywhere overhead. Then a lovely afternoon and night in the garden - they did a lockin for us, in the end. Because we had so few we were able to spoil them with food, free flowing booze, evening cheese and fruit and of course cake. Just a lovely relaxed day - we were incredibly lucky with weather, which helped, but still.

A wedding with people you are genuinely close to, and love, is special. I'd have hated the formal big kind, personally, though I know other people love them. It needs to be a day that holds meaning for you, and which doesn't wipe you out financially, IMO.

We had the same issue, so decided it was our day, booked a holiday abroad with the kids and got married there. It was lovely, we will all remember it, and no one else had the chance to moan to us as it was a done deed, paid for by ourselves.
We had lots of comments about 'when's the party?' afterwards, so we told them they could organise a party if they wanted, we weren’t worried either way. we ended up going for a meal with parents to celebrate which was lovely and suited us.
Ultimately for us the wedding was about marriage, not one day. Decided what you want and go with that, no one should dictate how you get married/ celebrate your wedding, unless you ask them too.

Your idea sounds lovely. Ideal for you, in fact.

Do what you want to do. Thank your parents effusively for the offer to pay for the venue and food, but say you've decided to pay for it yourself. Let them huff about it if they must. But it's your bloody wedding, so do it the way you want.

My dad is the opposite. Massive extrovert loves being the centre of attention. Has been planning his speech since I got engaged.

He sees it as his day, doesn't he. And that will get worse and worse as the day approaches. Honestly, I'd pull the plaster off now and tell him it isn't what you want. You want small, simple and low fuss.

I'm like you. I was terrified in advance - really, really scared - and ours was very small and low key. A huge one would have had me on tranquillisers!

I don’t get why they are so invested if you already have a house and children together.
Getting married is a sensible practical descion for the legal benefits. Tell them you weren’t keen hanging around for 18 months in case anything happens to one of you. My now DH had a heart attack two weeks before ours. He was treated and out for the wedding but really I’d be married as quickly as you can, comfortably organise the day you want.
You really don’t want to regret your wedding day and spending shedloads on it is easily done especially with family chipping in with “what your wedding needs is”.

Do the registry office and dinner you want.

It's your marriage; do what you want.

Anyone who complains should be swiftly told they don't have to come.

Traditionally, and this is the way we chose to do it, the wedding is an event organised and funded by the brides parents and the invitations come from them. This obviously gives them a pretty big say in what happens.
I think firstly you need to decide if this is what you want or if you wnat to do your own thing. If you go with the latter then I guess your father has the option of whether to contribute or not. If you go with the former then he will need to have more say in what happens. So in summary, taking his money gives him more say and doing your own thing may mean you have to foot the bill!

Have the wedding you want, but don’t have the big wedding party the following year. Having a small wedding is fine, getting your Dad to pay for most of a second party is not fine.

Also, if you told relatives about the big wedding with the expectation they could come they will be pissed to be disinvited. But you’ll just have to ride that out.

Oh, and if you have the time, I'd look in those godawful magazines for wedding dress designs you like, try a few on, and if it's right start ebay alerts for the design, second hand. You can always have a seamstress alter if need be, and it's environmentally pretty disastrous for everyone to have this hugely complex dress, worn only once. Save you a fortune and get a dress way over your usual price point, too.

Mine was from Monsoon in the sale (had foundation on the inside, which a dry clean sorted) so it was 50 quid. I loved it - bias cut, silk crepe, cowl neck, very simple. JCrew do nice wedding dresses relatively cheaply, too, if simple is your thing. But you can find literally any designer on Ebay if you have your heart set on something that isn't in a high street shop.

Weddings really, really don't need to cost the world. Ours was 5 grand, all in. That was 15 years ago now, admittedly, but principle remains. And we had 3 bottles of wine per person plus a grand behind the bar, a three course meal for everyone and then a light supper, a cake, really good suit for DH (made sense to invest there, not the dress, as he wore it for a decade for formal occasions) bouquet, one button hole and cake flowers, and my dress. Invites were over the counter.

Getting into debt for a single party is nuts. Those magazines have a lot to answer for.

Also, if you told relatives about the big wedding with the expectation they could come they will be pissed to be disinvited.

A cousin was so angry not to be asked to ours she ostentatiously left me out of hers - the sole relative excluded. I had bad SPD/PGP (pregnant), it was miles away up north, it would have meant a hotel, an outfit, and a present, and we don't like one another. When I told my husband, he fist-pumped and said YES because we were dreading having to go! Saved us a fortune, me pain, and both of us hassle and boredom.

Not all relatives want to go to weddings... and the ones who get angry about exclusions made for money reasons are probably not nice people, anyway.

YANBU.

I am baffled by the amount of money people choose to spend on one day. If that’s your choice, then fine. As you are having second thoughts I would go with it. Go smaller, save the money.

I can think of nothing worse than a big wedding. A small one at a lovely venue in a picturesque setting with a lovely meal afterwards sounds fabulous and leaves money left over for a honeymoon/holiday.

I had this exact thing. My family kicked off at the thought of registry and dinner - I was told by my mother that I was ‘dumping’ my guests and was accused of gold digging. Triangulation left right and centre with family members ringing me up telling me what a terrible human being I was and a terrible daughter to boot. I ended up giving in and doing what they wanted and I have regretted it to this day because it was STILL a fucking nightmare because mother didn’t like how the in-laws behaved and I bore the brunt of it. Spent most of the day holding back the tears and desperately trying to make my mother happy. Total waste of time, money, emotional labour etc etc.

I wanted a registry office then nice dinner with parents, siblings and a couple of close friends. Was guilted by parents to have a bigger reception (kept the quick registry bit).

My MIL made shitty comments all day about how it wasn't a proper wedding so she didn't bother with a new outfit. It wasn't a proper wedding so she didn't wear a dress. It wasn't a proper wedding so ... ...

My mother bitched about the venue, the food, the drinks, the music, the clothes she wore (she chose, I paid) ... ...

I honestly wish we'd followed our original plan and I'm still pissed off 10 years later about the money wasted. My MIL still mentions how it wasn't a real wedding.

To play devil’s advocate, I expect lots of extended family and friends love you and your OH and would love to celebrate your wedding with you. Your plan snubs them. Have the wedding you want, but appreciate their POV too.

There's a thread running at the moment about small budget weddings.
I would just have a registry office do with a few witnesses and then a knees up somewhere at your convenience. You don't owe anyone a certain type of wedding and will look back in resentment if you cave in.

Its 2019, if you want your wedding your way then pay for it yourself, its a kind offer from your Dad but naturally comes with conditions (there really is no free lunch). Do it your way, do it with your budget and be happy and independent.

Baffles me here how so many people were bullied into a wedding they did not want. Personally speaking, iam not married but couldn't thinik of anything worse than having a big wedding. I've always said i'd want a small one-private service, a dinner after for a select few....nothing major. Nobody would bully me into otherwise.

DH and I had children together and we paid for our own wedding on a very small budget.

I would have loved a much more expensive do but couldn't afford it.

Best thing about us paying is that we did what we wanted!!! No big piss up because his family would get pissed and we'd be the ones minding their badly behaved DC. No extend family photos - couldn't afford a proper photographer. No speeches either!

No regrets we spent £1k we got to celebrate with 45ish people 10 of them children all the important people came. We got married.

If your Dad wants a big do he can celebrate himself with a big birthday party and stop hijacking you and DP marrying.

That’s great for you, @getaway however after a lifetime of similar I’d been gaslighted into believing I really was a shitty, selfish, ungrateful, difficult daughter - when you’re in the trees it’s hard to see the wood.

Your wedding your choice. We have just booked ours for May ....small do....already spiralling out of control. Lol. The more time you have the more time to spend money. Your meal plan sound lovely. Xxx

He has made several comments about him paying for the wedding, that it’s his wedding, that his speech will feature whatever he wants and go on for how long he wants (as he’s funding the wedding - this is a joke but still). He talks about his guests as if it is his wedding

Please don't let this happen! It'll spoil the whole thing for you!

My exMil tried something similar with her eldest sons wedding. It was a registry office but she didn't want her ExH there and tried to dictate etc. Wedding was cancelled and rebooked a few times (even up to an hour or so beforehand on one occasion!). They did get married in the end but there was so much upset caused.

The day we announced our wedding, my (now ExH) put her in her place immediately. She still tried to argue the toss saying that as she was paying for the cake her ExH wasn't to have any! Big argument took place in the car and several digs were made in the lead up but we ignored it.

Had problems with my mother too! It was a lovely day and although we did exactly we wanted, it was a little spoilt by the fact that both mothers were unhappy they didn't get their way. turned out I married a twat though and I left him 12 years later

You'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't, so remember it's YOUR day so do what YOU want.