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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be baffled at the upset and anger?

155 replies

Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 08:27

We have booked our wedding for 18 months time, engaged for 6 months. My dad kindly offered to pay for the venue and food. Although this is a massive help and of course I appreciate it, there is still loads to pay for and we have recently been speaking about how lovely it would be to just do a really small thing and bring it forward to this summer.

No one is happy with this. We haven’t made any plans but my family especially are angry and upset. It was said as a passing comment to them - no plans have been made and the big wedding still stands as going ahead next year.

A big argument occurred last night as I overheard a conversation between two family members bitching. Along the lines of “why, why would they just bring it forward?” “Especially when it’s paid for” “why have they booked a summer holiday then if it’s about the money”. (Meaning I should have put the money towards the wedding).

Recently I’ve began to begrudge putting money away for one day. I want to save it, go holidays, enjoy life. We already live as a married couple, house together and two kids.

OP posts:
mateysmum · 19/01/2019 10:23

I think your wedding plan sounds lovely OP. It still includes your nearest and dearest and a celebratory meal. Your dad can make his speech to 30 people who care about you rather than 100 people most of whom are just there for the piss up and may not know you well.
But I think you need to make the decision now before any financial commitments or bookings are made.
Sit down with your family and explain your rational to them, kindly and calmly, saying how much you appreciate their kindness and look forward to them sharing your special day but.... it won't be a special day for you and your DH if you are forced to have a wedding you don't want. If they choose to make a drama out of it, tough. You will have nothing to reproach yourself with.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/01/2019 10:24

Tell everyone that the wedding has been postponed indefinitely as you both happy as you are and don't feel the need to get married. Then book the register office and restaurant private room for the date that you want but keep it quiet until two or three weeks before the date. Then invite those you want to invite but tell them that any sniping or bitching or telling you that you're doing it wrong will have them removed from the guest list. There will still be complaints and bitching but there'll only be three weeks worth at most.

Never let bossy people think that you care about their opinions. There will be those who might complain after the wedding too but if you say "Well, DH and I thought it was perfect, so that's what counts" every time they will get bored and find a different family member to bitch about. You don't have to be a people pleaser for people who only care about their own wants, half the time they don't even know what they really want so if you give into their plans they'll still be dissatisfied.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 10:33

A money "gift" with strings attached is so far from an actual gift it's not funny.

My mum wanted to put some money towards our wedding (we were paying for it all ourselves) but I refused, because I knew she'd use it as leverage to invite a bunch of relatives who I'd not seen forever, just to keep the family sweet. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
She still tried to guilt me into inviting one particular family member, who I loathed (with good reason) because she didn't want to upset them - I didn't invite them, and given what happened later, I am SO GLAD I didn't bow to the pressure.

So have a stiff talk to your Dad and tell him that if he thinks by offering to pay for a part of your wedding that he now owns it, then you'd rather not have his money and do exactly what YOU want as it's YOUR wedding (probably better to sugarcoat it more than that if you want to stay on speaking terms with him though!!).

If he's a decent bloke/ dad, he'll still give you some money with no guilt-strings attached - if he's not, then you don't want his money anyway and if he throws a strop and refuses to come, too bad for him.

Sorry you're having these troubles though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 10:35

If the worst comes to the worst, you can just ditch the lot of them and skip off one weekend to a registry office - relatives of mine did exactly that, to avoid the same sort of pressure and fall out with their mothers.

Coronapop · 19/01/2019 10:49

TBH I'm with your Dad on this. I don't think it is reasonable to plan such an important event and pay £500 deposit and then suddenly change your mind about it all because you've realised it will cost more than you originally thought. In your Dad's mind he was going to pay for a lovely big day for his DD's wedding and you have agreed that with him. I'm not surprised he is very put out. Changing plans that affect other people is always going to be problematic, but I think once you accepted his offer to pay you committed yourself to the original plan.

PurpleWithRed · 19/01/2019 10:57

Nope, disagree Corona, its their wedding and their money. If Dad wants to fund and host a big party he can do one for himself for his next big birthday, or a big family Christmas event or something.

onalongsabbatical · 19/01/2019 10:57

Coronapop sunk costs fallacy.
Just have the small wedding you want, OP. They'll get over it. If they don't, well, they've got bigger problems.

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 11:03

We worked out the finances at the start and were initially happy. But as time goes on and each month we are saving and I think of all the other things we could be doing with it, I would rather not.

OP posts:
Mickeysminnie2 · 19/01/2019 11:05

Don't be daft Corona, they haven't even taken any money from her father yet. Everyone is entitled to change their mind.

HomeMadeMadness · 19/01/2019 11:08

Let your dad throw his own party if he wants to while you have the wedding you want, do it cheaply and pay for it yourself. I've been to some beautiful registry office weddings, lovely historic buildings, you can fit a fair few guests then simple reception somewhere.

Jenala · 19/01/2019 11:12

This sounds like a horrible situation. Of course you should go with what you want. I had a small wedding and I remember it with such happiness. We were lucky that while out immediate family were obviously a little bit disappointed no one voices anything or acted anything other than happy for us.

Probably it's best to sort it out yourselves with no input. Cancel the venue, organise everything else and importantly don't take any money of your dad - then he has no leverage. Then once you've organised it, tell everyone. There's no point talking to family about it before you do it as they will just get arsey. Good luck

Shufflebumnessie · 19/01/2019 11:18

We were planning a big wedding but got fed up with comments from various family members (not our parents but aunts who we're not even close too). We decided we just wanted a small wedding with immediate family and close friends, and that's what we did. We haven't regretted it once in the 12 years since we got married, and one of my closest friends still talks about it being the nicest wedding she's attended.
Do what will make you happy!

IdleBetty · 19/01/2019 11:24

OP you are being sensible. The marriage is the important bit, not the frou frou.

Just tell your dad thanks for the offer but we have chosen to have OUR wedding this year and it will be low key how WE want it.

You will never please everybody so just please yourselves.

CowesTwo · 19/01/2019 11:26

We had a registry office wedding and it was lovely. Then lunch in a nice restaurant. Four guests plus us. That shut up all the entitled twats demanding x, y and z.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 19/01/2019 11:35

Oh god, knock the big wedding on the head. Tell them as soon as.

If there is this degree of crazy going on before any money has exchanged hands, imagineer how it will escalate. Make it small and beautiful and anyone who thinks you are doing the wrong thing does not have your best interests at heart.

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 11:38

Your day sounds lovely, go for it. Spending a fortune on something that is going to stress you out is madness.

The nicest weddings I've been to have been low budget. In both cases, the couples in question went to a registry office initially with their families for the legalities, then had their own ceremonies outdoors.

For one, they'd hired a small complex of holiday bungalows on a property by the sea; they had a ceremony they'd written themselves in the garden with the sea as a backdrop. The complex had a covered area where they had a barbecue/buffet, and they asked guests to bring drink for the reception instead of giving presents. There was loads of room in the gardens for children to play or for people to sit around and chat, and another area where they had dancing, and people could go indoors if they preferred.

The second was a similar arrangement, except the couple used an opening in a small wooded area near their parents' house and put some home-made garlands and decorations around the trees and bushes, so it was even cheaper.

I've been to so many formal weddings which cost a fortune and which are much less enjoyable. So I'd say definitely go for your preference. The relatives will get over it.

Coronapop · 19/01/2019 11:38

£500 is a lot to lose.

Butterfly84 · 19/01/2019 11:38

OP, do whatever you want. It's your wedding. Do whatever will make you and your DP happy.

IdleBetty · 19/01/2019 12:05

£500 is a lot to lose.

Not having a family controlled wedding, which is nothing like you want = priceless.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 19/01/2019 12:08

We wish we'd done this!

Original poster
Hopskipjumping · 19/01/2019 13:19

The fact that they were acting as though we shouldn’t be going a holiday (presumably because they are paying for our wedding?). Also I heard them say “if they want to get married so much this year why not invite everyone on their holiday and do it there?!”

We’ve worked hard for this holiday and we want to go alone, as a family of 4. They’re not happy about this as usually we go a family holiday with them. Also saving for this holiday genuinely provides more excitement for me than one wedding day and saving for that.

There’s so much background that I can’t fully explain but the basis is That he wants to pay the wedding to claim to everyone he paid our wedding. He wants to be centre of attention and have a speech which is “funnier than the best mans”. He takes about his guests?!! The more it continues the more it puts me majorly off a big wedding. Plus the fact there is my mum (who is divorced) and I feel she feels like a spare part whilst my dad and step mum run centre stage.

OP posts:
InSightMars · 19/01/2019 13:28

He who pays gets a say is what your dad is thinking which is fine if you’re ok with that. If you’re not then do it without his money. Tell your dad thanks but you don’t need his money, if he still wants to contribute that would be nice but it’s going to be a much scaled back event because that’s what you want.

TORDEVAN · 19/01/2019 13:45

I had a mostly ‘traditional’ wedding and whilst i enjoyed my day, if i did it again i would go similar to your plan - registry office and dinner for close family and friends

I think yanbu

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 19/01/2019 14:01

"Plus the fact there is my mum (who is divorced) and I feel she feels like a spare part whilst my dad and step mum run centre stage."

for that reason alone I would call a halt now.

I'd take your dad to one side and say you were so touched by his generosity and his offer, but you realise that you need to scale it back for reasons that have nothing to do with money but about it being the kind of wedding you think is appropriate and you want. You have kids already, yeah? living together? how old are you?

If he wants a big showy offy party he has a birthday ending in a zero every 10 years, and wedding anniversaries etc. Your wedding shouldn't be designed to make him feel good. He can still do a speech or whatever. And don't take a penny.

Parthenope · 19/01/2019 14:08

Also, is your father normally an asshole, or has the idea of 'his' wedding just gone to his head? All that crap about 'his' guest list, 'his' speech etc makes him sound like a complete patriarchal knob end.