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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let in-laws give us a LOT of money?

153 replies

maltharders · 18/01/2019 15:27

My DH's parents are on the wealthy side of middle class but he has never really been superspoilt, although they helped a lot when he was at uni and bought him a car when he was early 20s.

Since then we've always been very independent, we're very early 30s, two young kids and renting while saving up a deposit to buy a house.

They recently said they want to give us a heap of money (amounts to about 50% of the value of a nice house) because otherwise it's just going to sit there and we'll inherit it when they die and we won't need it so much by then. My DH says that's aa logical argument and so we should accept, but I feel a bit bad about taking so much money. My own parents never had much money so have never given us anything.

AIBU to feel a bit weird about it? Even though I see the rationale behind it?

OP posts:
Jebuschristchocolatebar · 18/01/2019 15:31

Will they assume they own half your house or be involved with a property
Purchase? It can be a fine line between a gift and feeling beholden to them for eternity

Closetlibrarian · 18/01/2019 15:31

Take the money!

Asdfghjklll · 18/01/2019 15:31

As long as there are no strings attached then accept. Just be mindful you might still have to pay inheritance tax if they were to pass within a set amount of time. I think it's 7 years.
A lot of people get help from parents to get on the property ladder it's not unusual. Does your DH have siblings though? Are they being fair and helping everyone?

Raspberry10 · 18/01/2019 15:32

Well you might as well have it now, and not get hit with the inheritance tax for it (as long as they live for 7 years). If they have any form for being controlling then don’t do it But if they are nice, sane people who won’t hold it over you both, then go for it. Seriously I’d love to do the same for my DD and future family if I could.

helpmum2003 · 18/01/2019 15:32

I would accept if it's a genuine offer and you don't think there are strings attached. It brings parents pleasure to support if they can afford to.

Was it a spontaneous offer?

Does your DH have siblings?

Singlenotsingle · 18/01/2019 15:33

Yes YABU. They're being very sensible and very generous. They would be very hurt if you threw that kind gesture back in their face! TBH, most parents would be happy if they could afford to give their children their inheritance early.

Kewcumber · 18/01/2019 15:34

It is 7 years but it's a sliding scale down over that time so the IHt bill reduces 1/7th each year.

Makes tax sense but only do it if they are lovely people andwouldn;t ever dream of throwing it back in your face or starting to think they are entitled to an opinion on how you decorate your living room.

sugarbum · 18/01/2019 15:35

YANBU to feel a bit wierd - but take it. TAKE IT!

Original poster
maltharders · 18/01/2019 15:35

He has a brother and they said they plan to do the same for him (he's younger though so not needing it yet). The house would be all ours, etc. no strings, they've never been controlling or even over-involved in our life in any way –we all have a very good relationship. It's just such a lot of money and I was always taught to work hard for money!

But I know that rationally the argument about inheritance makes sense, so it makes me just feel a bit conflicted.

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 18/01/2019 15:36

Its logical of them - to give the inheritance before they die and when you need it most. We are hoping to do the same for our DC.
Unless you think they might try to dictate what you buy and where, I would go for it.

ShaggyRug · 18/01/2019 15:36

If there’s no strings attached, take the money for gods sake!

Do you not realise how lucky this makes you? (If no strings attached).

MrsTerryPratcett · 18/01/2019 15:36

Who pays the piper, call the tune.

I'd be wary. What if you decide to liquidate the house in three years and use the money to emigrate? I mean you probably won't but you can see how it's obligation of a sort.

Lifeisnotsimple · 18/01/2019 15:37

Thats a beautiful gesture, they can see you need the money now not when they pass, they sound like lovely caring parents who want to ease the pressure for you. Accept the money as long as there are no other siblings involved that will just create a rift. They,d be getting a massive hug from me!

junebirthdaygirl · 18/01/2019 15:38

Your dh would ha e it anyway when they die. And more by the sounds of it.
I presume he wont be ..this is my money sort of thing. So just take it gratefully.

Magicstar1 · 18/01/2019 15:38

My parents gave us a lot of money for a house deposit. They signed a note to say it was a gift and that they had no ownership of the house. The only time they’ve ever brought it up was when my dad asked were we happy in our new house, as he’d have hated to push us into a bad decision. Once we said we were happy they never mentioned it again.
If you think your in-laws wouldn’t hold it over you...and they do sound genuine from your post....then go ahead.

SparklyLeprechaun · 18/01/2019 15:38

What's the problem? The money will be yours at some point anyway. I'm in the same position as your DH, well off parents but they never helped me financially, last year they gave me a large sum of money towards my inheritance. We didn't particularly need the money, but it's better to have it now than in 20 years time.

Jakesmumandbump · 18/01/2019 15:39

Definitely take it.

They are very sensible to start shedding assets now, you’d be helping them out as well. They will benefit from seeing you enjoy it.

Take it and enjoy it.

Stardustinmyeyes · 18/01/2019 15:42

As pp have said make sure that there are no strings attached . For wealthy parents it makes sense financially to give money now when their children need the money not in 20/30 years time.
Take it and enjoy it. We did it and it's their house and we've been very clear that it is theirs not ours.

mrsmuddlepies · 18/01/2019 15:43

If you give a large sum of money for a house , the benefactors are made to sign a form to confirm it is a gift with no strings attached (to stop money laundering). Just be grateful and say yes please.

Miane · 18/01/2019 15:45

Being given a valuable gift doesn’t mean you won’t still work hard.

If you have a good relationship and clear boundaries then I’d accept with grace and gratitude.

Otherwise you are biting off your nose to spite your face.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 18/01/2019 15:46

My parents did this. The only thing that made us think twice in any way was that DHs family ate in quite a different financial position so the help could never be “equal” if you like. But we have a good, close relationship with my parents and it made logical and financial sense so we did take it. I had moments of feeling a bit guilty due to not having worked for it etc but in the grand scheme of things a) I work very hard and b) in other social circles/classes amounts of money of this value and far more is is an everyday occurrence. At the end of the day they’re my parents and they wanted/want to help us and I hope one day I will be able to do the same for my children. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Bloominglovely · 18/01/2019 15:46

It’s a difficult line to thread.

On the face of it, it is perfectly sensible to use the money now rather than later and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and all that......

MrsTerry raises a good point and you may feel beholden to them. They sound like nice people but should you have a falling out, will they throw it back in your face as being ungrateful? Will you feel beholden to them?

That all said, if it was me I would sit down properly to discuss it and raise any concerns and then probably bite their hand off esp if it meant you could buy near a good school etc.

puppymouse · 18/01/2019 15:47

Just be sure they won't make you beholden to them. DBil accepted house deposit money from MiL in similar circs and has remortgaged and clawed every penny he can back each month to pay her back as following a fallout (MiL's fault) she threatened to reclaim the whole amount which would have made them (and her DGS) homeless. Just protect yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 15:47

When thry die and DH inherits, you're not gonna tell him to go e 200 k to charity because you didn't earn it. It's no different now. Presumably they aren't giving it you whilst thry go off and live in a bedsit, and they're out the same aside for DB so smile graciously and invest it in a property

Magpiefeather · 18/01/2019 15:49

Do you have a good relationship with in laws?

I would say if so, go for it. If not, be wary.

If it is a true gift say yes please that is amazingly generous of you! What a life changing gift!

If you have any sort of niggle they would give disapproving comments of the decor, or pester you to get new windows, or if you can’t make it to theirs for Christmas do the whole “well we thought since we bought you a HOUSE you could make the effort to see us while we’re alive ..” etc

I have seen it go both ways!

Go with your gut instinct (then you can’t regret it really, you felt it was right at the time).