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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let in-laws give us a LOT of money?

153 replies

maltharders · 18/01/2019 15:27

My DH's parents are on the wealthy side of middle class but he has never really been superspoilt, although they helped a lot when he was at uni and bought him a car when he was early 20s.

Since then we've always been very independent, we're very early 30s, two young kids and renting while saving up a deposit to buy a house.

They recently said they want to give us a heap of money (amounts to about 50% of the value of a nice house) because otherwise it's just going to sit there and we'll inherit it when they die and we won't need it so much by then. My DH says that's aa logical argument and so we should accept, but I feel a bit bad about taking so much money. My own parents never had much money so have never given us anything.

AIBU to feel a bit weird about it? Even though I see the rationale behind it?

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 18/01/2019 16:18

Maybe they want to enjoy it with and see you happy in your own home while they are alive. They want to share joy with you now, they can’t when you are crying with an inheritance after they’ve died. Take the money and welcome and cherish your lovely PILs in your new home. They know now that you can’t buy time.
I’m similar to you in terms of ILs; they have already given us a deposit a couple of decades ago. MIL now and again, when money comes up, says “you shouldn’t worry about money, there’ll be plenty of it when we go” Sad Not looking forward to that day.

EssexGurl · 18/01/2019 16:20

Sensible of them to think about inheritance tax sooner rather than later. Also, potentially care costs. If they need care as they get older then any capital they have might get eaten up by that cost so there is little to leave.

FIL has put half his house in trust for DH and SIL to avoid the house being sold if he needs care. Neither sibling needs the money now but means they will get it when he dies and house is sold.

Obviously you and BIL would appreciate financial support, so take it. Prepare to begrilled on where the money has come from when buying a house. Your PIL might need to provide written confirmation they provided the money, and might need to prove where they got it from. I remember having to show payslips showing bonus payments to prove I had access to that sort of money for the deposit. Also a declaration that it is a gift might be sensible.

But I think it is a lovely thing for them to do. You get security and they mitigate IHT liability. Surely win-win?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/01/2019 16:21

I think more parents should do this if they can afford to. Especially nowadays when it's so hard for youngsters to get on the property ladder etc.

DaphneduM · 18/01/2019 16:21

Definitely accept it graciously. What a lovely thing to do. I'm sure it will give your in-laws great pleasure too. We gifted a large deposit to our daughter and son-in-law and paid for their wedding. Again money that was just sitting there, and it gives us huge pleasure to see our daughter in her house, kind of a second rung three bedroom one - nothing flash. But it has meant that they feel financially secure enough to start a family, which is wonderful for us all. Life is short, as you get older you realise that. It's a great pleasure for us parents to see money helping our children. No strings attached!!!

Gina2012 · 18/01/2019 16:22

I expect PIL want to avoid paying IHT.

Just take the money

VeepVeep · 18/01/2019 16:23

My partner's parents just gave us a chunk of money. My parents aren't in that position, so i know exactly how you feel.

It's weird, but you have to enjoy it. It's a gift.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 18/01/2019 16:24

do it, its normal for middle class parents to set their kids up (only mine didn't get this memo....).

Onecabbage · 18/01/2019 16:27

Oh a stealth boast, nicely done op.

florentina1 · 18/01/2019 16:29

I have been lucky enough to acquire a lot of Capital from investments made 20 to 30 years ago and an inheritance. In the last 10 years I have given large sums to all of my children, with no expectations of anything in return,

My reasons are probably the same as your In-laws. I love my kids and their partners. They are very hard working, devoted parents and supportive of each other. In 20 years time they would have inherited the money, but they won’t really need it then. Now the money helps with house deposits or things for their homes. It is lovely to ease their burden and watch them be free from money worries. It has helped one further her career, by paying for child care, another to go part-time and one carry out home improvements.

They have never asked for money but if know that they are really grateful to have their lives eased a bit. I get enormous pleasure seeing them relaxed and enjoying their life. When they were all children, we were never free from money problems. Inflation and interest rate hikes made it hard to budget.My wealthy mother, never once helped us but my Mil who was a cleaner was a life saver. Every month she would turn up wth a t,shirt or a dress for them. She bought their winter coats and boots and often had a bag of fruit or cakes when she visited.

Proudandlovable0201 · 18/01/2019 16:29

Take the money .... I could only dream right now 😂

TokenGinger · 18/01/2019 16:32

If you feel uncomfortable taking the money, I'd offer to your husband that it's written in to the mortgage that he owns 50% (or value of his gift from his parents) and that the other 50% is then split equally between you, in the event that you divorce. That way, it's truly your husband's gift, which it should be.

bestbefore · 18/01/2019 16:32

Imagine if you were them; what would you do? So tricky because if you have the cash why wouldn't you give it, what else is it for? But sometimes it's easy to spoil children and not have them appreciate it. Sounds to me like you would appreciate it and it would make a massive difference - I am sure it will give them great pleasure to help you.

Gingefringe · 18/01/2019 16:33

Our in-laws gave us a massive deposit to put down on a house in a lovely area and we have been eternally grateful to them ever since.
They are lovely, generous people and not a bit controlling and they only wanted their son to have a good start in life.
It sounds as though your IL are the same.

Confusedbeetle · 18/01/2019 16:35

If there are no strings attached and not lightly to be emotional held over you I would take it. We have helped all our adult children at various stages and all the daughters in law and sons in law have been fine. We have one rule, once we have given, it is theirs to do whatever with. We never ask and it is NEVER mentioned again. Occasionally it has been to do with a deposit. It very much depends on your relationships. There have been some threads where the parents have used it as a power leverage to get the families to do what they want.

Confusedbeetle · 18/01/2019 16:39

Essex girl, actually the win for IHT is still the kids, not the dead parents. We just laugh and say the more we give you the less you will inherit, but also the less IHT you will pay

Confusedbeetle · 18/01/2019 16:41

Be prepared to show where it came from"

Yes, this is true. We had to make a declaration to the Mortgage co that it was a gift and would not be repaid. You may need to check out this area

Aridane · 18/01/2019 16:43

They recently said they want to give us a heap of money (amounts to about 50% of the value of a nice house) because otherwise it's just going to sit there and we'll inherit it when they die and we won't need it so much by then. My DH says that's aa logical argument and so we should accept, but I feel a bit bad about taking so much money. My own parents never had much money so have never given us anything

  • take it!
  • solid inheritance tax planning on their part!
  • your parents couldn't do the same as they never had much money - so not comparing like with like
toomuchtooold · 18/01/2019 16:43

Take it. You hear so many posts on here from people with controlling and dysfunctional families (including myself!) that it can be easy to feel like any interaction like this is bad news. It's not, this is what normal nice people with money do.

If you're worried about it coming with strings attached, if you get a mortgage you'll have to tell them where the money for the deposit came from and your in-laws will probably have to sign a bit of paper to say that it's a gift and they don't have an interest in the house. That might be a good time to check with them that they are really happy with that.

MsTSwift · 18/01/2019 16:44

They are doing tax planning. If their estate over £1m they pay 40% tax on it on death. If they gift it now and live 7 years it’s not taxed if they under threshold. If you turn it down only Hmrc will benefit!

Ethel36 · 18/01/2019 16:49

I think it's nice and logical. They want you to use the money now while you need it.

Undertaker · 18/01/2019 16:50

I wouldn't take it myself. Too proud I've done literally everything myself! Never had a penny from family / friends. That's just me though. I'd agree with others. If there are no strings attached the choice is yours. Good luck

Jaxhog · 18/01/2019 16:54

What lovely ILs you have! If there's no strings attached then take it. No need to feel guilty.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/01/2019 16:55

Take the money.

If they were planning on leaving it to you anyway, it will be nice for them to see you use it to secure your future - both for yourself and DH and their grandchildren.

You might also be helping them avoid inheritance tax if they give it to you now. So if it's a choice between the money going to you or the taxman, I know which I'd choose!!

Mishappening · 18/01/2019 16:55

As a MIL myself I say take the money and enjoy it! We have shared legacies with our children and had the great joy of watching them able to get a foot on the housing ladder and get themselves settled. We do not have a lot of money, but there was enough to share for house deposits and I cannot tell you what a delight it has been to see them using that money wisely and making happy homes. If they had inherited it when we died we would not have had that pleasure.

We left ourselves enough to deal with emergencies (like a new roof!) and I am sure your PILs will have done the same.

They may also be thinking about when they might need residential or nursing care and how the money would be used up in paying for care and you would never inherit it.

Take the money - enjoy the benefits it brings and let them enjoy seeing you getting settled.

Penhaligon · 18/01/2019 16:56

Take it!
Wouldn't you like to be able to do the same for your own children in the future?