To let in-laws give us a LOT of money?

[maltharders]

My DH's parents are on the wealthy side of middle class but he has never really been superspoilt, although they helped a lot when he was at uni and bought him a car when he was early 20s.

Since then we've always been very independent, we're very early 30s, two young kids and renting while saving up a deposit to buy a house.

They recently said they want to give us a heap of money (amounts to about 50% of the value of a nice house) because otherwise it's just going to sit there and we'll inherit it when they die and we won't need it so much by then. My DH says that's aa logical argument and so we should accept, but I feel a bit bad about taking so much money. My own parents never had much money so have never given us anything.

AIBU to feel a bit weird about it? Even though I see the rationale behind it?

I wouldn't take it myself. Too proud I've done literally everything myself

Undertaker out of interest would you decline an inheritance on that basis too?

Take the money! I am delighted for you. I would have loved the same when back in the day, we had little. Make sure they are not going to advertise it though, when a gift is given, it is given, end of.

& anything else. Congratulations1

It will give them pleasure to see you able to do something that would be difficult without their help. They will love visiting you living in a nice house that they enabled you to buy. They aren't going to experience that feeling if they die and you get an inheritance.

It would be selfish to deny them this pleasure - as long as there are no strings obviously.

Please take it! We're very fortunate to have been in a position to give each of our DC a sizeable deposit - no strings attached but it gives us a lot of pleasure to see them getting the use of it now, while we're still around.

Accept :)

Like my parents, they want to see their money used and enjoyed by their family (inc grandchildren).

Poor you

Having been in a similar position I’ve felt only happy and grateful! Also relieved our mortgage payments were reduced and we were not living on the breadline. I can honestly say I didn’t feel cheeky/guilty- just lucky! If your in laws are nice, normal people I would accept it and not lose any sleep over it.

He has a brother and they said they plan to do the same for him (he's younger though so not needing it yet)

The only issue with this is that it is unfair if he ends up having to pay inheritance tax and your DH doesn't.

I also agree with pp that your DH needs to check they have enough fof any future care they may need.

There are a lot of people on MN who don't heave a good relationship with their parents or in-laws and don't understand how others are different. Also those who's families simply don't have that kind of money and they resent those that do. Just bear that in mind when you read replies.

We are not wealthy enough to worry about IHT, however we have enough money in the bank to pay a decent deposit for each DC when they are ready to buy a home. We don't need the money and if we wait until we are both dead they will probably have had years of struggling just as the money would be most useful.
I'd get great pleasure from helping them.

Assuming you will still need a mortgage the lender will almost certainly want proof that it's a no strings gift.

It's fabulous! Accept it graciously and with lots of thanks. And be grateful over the years. It's a huge step up, and I'm saving in the hopes of being able to help my children in future. Probably won't manage to that extent, but still. I would want my kids to be happy and accept it.

The key thing here is that they won't use it to try and control you. Any smattering of that sort of nonsense and I'd hand it right back. But the inheritance reason is a very good one.

I would definitely take it. My lovely FIL died a couple of years back, and he had suffered from Dementia in his latter years. He was an accountant and very well versed in money matters so had kindly helped us with our house deposit many years ago. However, due to his dementia which was never bad enough to enact his power of attorney, he didn’t plan for inheritance tax. As a result, his estate paid out around £150k to the tax man. He would certainly have preferred that money to have gone to his children and grandchildren.

So your in laws are being very sensible, and we will plan to do the same for our grown up children.

And @onecabbabe this is not a stealth boast, just hard facts.

I agree that you should check that they definitely have enough put by for their own needs - care homes if needed etc, which are v expensive. In all liklihood they have considered this if they are money savvy and think ahead.

It's lovely that you are surprised by this offer, rather than having been waiting for it or entitled to it (as some do) and it is fine to gratefully accept your good fortune. It is also great that you feel confident there aren't string attached.

And absolutely agree that it doesn't mean you won't work hard or become different because of it. You'll still have a mortgage to pay off. Perhaps you'll buy a bigger house than otherwise and still have a bung mortgage, or perhaps you'll have a smaller mortgage and that will give you flexibility that you would have had otherwise.

• You could choose to have a mortgage over 25 years and have smaller payments than otherwise, perhaps allowing one of you to work part time or to engage in activities or holidays you couldn't have had otherwise, or you could put more into your pensions or into savings for the children.
• you could choose to go for a shorter mortgage and push yourself to pay off more each month, leaving you mortgage free much sooner - then having options to retire earlier, or pay for private education, or to fund uni or then to save more or whatever.

So lovely to have the flexibility that theis money will give you. Think carefully about how you want to use it in terms of the later or current benefits the different choices will give you. Accept graciously and enjoy it!

I was in a near identical situation OP (DP from better off background, nice ILs, large deposit on our house) and I completely understand your reticence.
It just felt wrong to accept such a large amount of money. I felt very uncomfortable about it.
It took me a while to really take on board that this is normal behaviour amongst middle class people. It's not considered to be taking advantage if you accept it.
Its been fantastic for us.
Our housing costs are much lower than they would otherwise be and this has allowed us to give the kids a really relaxed early childhood with lots of time spent together.
Its never been held over us. I think they genuinely did just want to pass on an inheritance (without waiting to die).

Take the money. I was fortunate enough to be able to do this for my son and it was absolutely the best financial transaction of my life. Baby boomers' money should be shared.

Spoon - fed society we live in , where nobody knows the value of money as they havent had to work for it.

I'd agree that doing this may well be the most enjoyable financial transaction of someone's life. Assuming the giver doesn't need the money and loves their child (and although lots of people on MN do t have good relationships with their families, many fortunately do) then what could bring more pleasure in terms of spending or saving, than to gift the money to their loved one and see it make a real difference to their lives? If you can afford to do it (and I know lots of people need to hold onto their cash due to risks of care homes, basic living costs and because they have enough to look after the,selves and give away) then seeing your children enjoy it, rather than simply knowing they will get it after you're gone, is hugely satisfying. The giver can target the amount and timing to bring real benefit, as Op's inlaws are doing - that £200k or whatever it is will make more difference to them now buying a house, than in 30 years time when their kids have grown up in either a rented house or a much smaller purchased home, or in a family much more stressed with money issues who have less choices available to them because of that.

Having money does give the luxury of choice. There's the choice about buying or renting, which house to buy, but also whether to work full time or part time, whether to privately educate, whether to have holidays and other past times, when to retire, to save for children's future etc etc. Giving a gift of money like this is giving the gift of choice.

And it's not fair that some people can afford to give this and most can't, or that some receive it and most don't, but that doesn't make it wrong to give or receive. Both the giver and recipient should be grateful to be that position (and I don't mean the recipient should forever grovel and thank the giver) and recognise they are indeed lucky. No doubt OP's inlaws worked hard, but so do lots of people who don't end up able to give big chunks of money, so feeling fortunate is important I think.

To anyone saying 'don't take it' - I'd say you're crazy. Why deny someone something good which has been offered and the giver can afford to give? Some see cynical motives everywhere, or can't believe there can be such a thing as an unconditional gift, or can't accept that some people just receive good fortune they haven't had themselves.

Enjoy!

Amazing. How lovely.

Just double check they intend for the house to be on your and DH's names. A friend whose DH's family sound similarly off financially. They offered my friend's DH money for a house but wanted it to be in the DH's name only.

Why not just say you're 31?

Take the money, obvs!

It does feel arkward OP my DHs grandparents did the same thing a few years ago. Gave every immediate family member a cheque which equated to a deposit on a house for each.

I felt very arkward about it and we spoke with his grandparents about it but in their words if they give it now its less likely to end up with the tax man and we have plenty of money..... I am the same in wanting to work for things.

As you have a good relationship with them just accept it with a thank you ☺️

I've had a similar dilemma with my PILs giving us money. My own parents don't have that kind of cash which leaves me in an awkward situation with my siblings when they see us getting an easy ride. Every time they offer us money my gut reaction is to refuse it but every time DH presents a sensible, logical reason for taking it which makes me realise I'm refusing it out of pride. In the end I usually say it's his parents & their money so it's up to him to decide if he wants to take it.

This has just happened to us. Given an amount that equals 30% of the value of the house we are hopefully just about to buy. I see it as their investment in my children's future. We've opted to buy a cheaper place that needs some fixing so we use their money to get us mortgage free quicker. I did feel funny about it at first but we are renting from a rogue landlord and this money is securing our physical and financial future. Try and see it like that. Not as money but as something constructive for you and your family.

To, as the parent, this makes sense, there's no point in our sitting on money we don't need when our child does. The only difficult point comes in the event of their split, I would be unhappy in a 50/50 split of assets for our in-law, who we like very much but things can change, benefitting as well as out child. I would want some agreement that this a loan to be repaid from the sale of the house in the event of a split,

Younger brother should be given the money at the same time, to invest etc. What happens if PIL die before he gets his share? SIL got ten thousand pounds for a house deposit, DH got nothing as FIL said he didn't need it, but would get the extra from the estate when he died. I guarantee the will doesn't reflect that and DH won't want to ask SIL for it so will probably never get it! I would also worry what PIL would expect of you in their old age in return and would their choice of care provision be compromised?

I would accept the generous offer. They are of a capable capacity to make this decision and it is wise in relation to inheritance tax (hopefully ).
It will be a lovely helping hand to your family. Most definitely not cheeky or spoilt. Enjoy and good luck with a beautiful happy family home.

Most people anticipate that the proceeds of the sale of their house would cover care home fees. Everyone giving away large sums of money will own their house.