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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let in-laws give us a LOT of money?

153 replies

maltharders · 18/01/2019 15:27

My DH's parents are on the wealthy side of middle class but he has never really been superspoilt, although they helped a lot when he was at uni and bought him a car when he was early 20s.

Since then we've always been very independent, we're very early 30s, two young kids and renting while saving up a deposit to buy a house.

They recently said they want to give us a heap of money (amounts to about 50% of the value of a nice house) because otherwise it's just going to sit there and we'll inherit it when they die and we won't need it so much by then. My DH says that's aa logical argument and so we should accept, but I feel a bit bad about taking so much money. My own parents never had much money so have never given us anything.

AIBU to feel a bit weird about it? Even though I see the rationale behind it?

OP posts:
GottenGottenGotten · 18/01/2019 15:50

This isn't uncommon, it's a way to benefit others without the burden of inheritance tax. They've probably been looking at the future and planning ahead for that reason. They don't want tax to have to be paid on the money when they pass!

In the situation you describe, I would accept.

Original poster
maltharders · 18/01/2019 15:50

Yeah, I mean I don't think there's any chance of us not accepting it, I guess I just wanted to know that we're not being cheeky or spoilt or something like that. I certainly know we're very lucky.

OP posts:
Ivegotthree · 18/01/2019 15:50

This is such a Mumsnet problem. IRL none of my friends would have even the tiniest issue about taking the money.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/01/2019 15:53

You are sensible to weigh this up but we all have a very good relationship makes me think, accept graciously.

Dragon3 · 18/01/2019 15:53

In the future, would you do this for your own kids? If the answer is yes, take the money. In fact, you could buy a family house now with the intention of downsizing when your kids are grown up. When you downsize, pass the money on to your own kids. You could look on this gift as held in trust for the next generation, if that helps. Your PILs would probably be delighted to hear that this is your intention.

billybagpuss · 18/01/2019 15:54

Take it, from your own kids point of view, a mortgage will cost much less than renting, you can save the excess for your kids future and may even be in a position to pay it forward someday to your DC's to help them onto the property ladder in time.

nauticant · 18/01/2019 15:54

Since the situation is this:

He has a brother and they said they plan to do the same for him (he's younger though so not needing it yet). The house would be all ours, etc. no strings, they've never been controlling or even over-involved in our life in any way –we all have a very good relationship. It's just such a lot of money and I was always taught to work hard for money!

then I'd say go ahead. But do check one thing. That there's not going to be some weird ownership stipulation where you are not a co-owner or have a minor ownership of the house.

Gitfeatures · 18/01/2019 15:54

Presumably this is money from their savings and they aren't planning to do one of those equity release schemes?

CoffeeTableBook · 18/01/2019 15:54

Who gets the money/house if you divorce?

Sexnotgender · 18/01/2019 15:54

If they have offered it unprompted with no strings attached then I would graciously accept.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/01/2019 15:56

Oh take the money, and give them the enjoyment of seeing it well used to give you a comfortable life - I can't think of anything better for a parent!

MeredithGrey1 · 18/01/2019 15:56

I guess I just wanted to know that we're not being cheeky or spoilt or something like that

Definitely not. And you've said you have two young kids - if you're lucky enough in 25-30 years time to be in the same financial position as your in-laws, and you're able and willing to help your kids out, you presumably wouldn't think they were cheeky or spoilt if the money was offered and accepted with gratitude.

room32 · 18/01/2019 15:57

The thing is these days an awful lot of people are helped out by their parents, that's how most of the people I know have been able to get on the property ladder. The idea that my parents had that you started from nothing and earned your way up is outdated in, I would wager, most middle class families. We were helped out by both my parents and in laws. At a societal level I think it's bad that the haves stay the haves in this way, and it's therefore even harder for the have-nots to get to a place of financial stability, even though I've taken advantage of this myself. But at the same time how can you turn it down? You want the best life for yourself and your family, and your in laws want to help. I just do my best not to lose sight of how lucky I am.

Mookatron · 18/01/2019 15:58

It is weird when your husband (or wife, I wouldn't know) inherits or is given a load of money. I've been in a similar position. My feeling is don't worry about it but make sure you're in a position to be financially independent without that money if it came to it. I don't really consider the money as equally ours, even though DH does. But I do think it will belong to my children one day and I'm happy to live in the house it paid the deposit on!

Ellie56 · 18/01/2019 15:59

Yes seriously just take it. We inherited from my parents when they died and I couldn't help feeling that while it was nice to have a cushion in retirement, it would have been so much more useful 20 years earlier when we actually needed the money.

Missingstreetlife · 18/01/2019 15:59

Take it, it will make them happy.
Make sure your name is on the deeds as it's a gift to you both, any inheritance later would be to your dh, up to him to share. Don't want any posts about family money, thanks.
Just don't make them sign anything, if they give you the money first it's yours, only need to declare if there is mortgage and £ goes though solicitor, because you have declared loans and financial circumstance.
Enjoy, it's a lovely thing to do for your family if you can

PurpleWithRed · 18/01/2019 16:01

Its a lovely idea but

  • do be careful of the tax/legal implications (eg deprivation of assets)
  • will they still have enough to cover themselves for their own care costs in the future? it might be just sitting there now and you all assume it will still be there when they die but there is every chance they will need to spend substantial sums on care for the last years of their life. If they give you this will they still have enough to fund really good care for 10 years or so between them?
nauticant · 18/01/2019 16:01

One thing I would think about though and that would be to get an offset mortgage and to have a substantial amount as savings offsetting the mortgage. In this way you could see how things go for a few years with low interest payments but a large amount of money available in case something unexpected were to turn up.

prettypossums · 18/01/2019 16:01

My parents gave us a lot of money towards a house - hundreds & hundreds of thousands. It made no difference to them in real terms, but made a huge difference to us, despite she & I both being on pretty high incomes, as we wouldn’t have been able to buy the dream house we did otherwise. They never attempted to use the gift to gain any leverage or to control us. It was just a very kind, generous act. We are now in the process of doing something similar for our eldest dc - on a smaller scale, by providing a hefty deposit for a first house.

Coronapop · 18/01/2019 16:02

Accept graciously since it could make a real difference to your family's life. Their reasons for giving it are logical.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/01/2019 16:08

FiL inherited a lot of money and gave a third to DH and a third to BiL. We've done pretty well ourselves but it helped us jump a rung on the property ladder.

I've had my differences with FiL over the years: he can be quite difficult, but honestly, the only comment he has ever made is along the lines of being immensely proud that we have such a great house. No wanting an input, no sense of ownership, no strings at all.

We absolutely intend to do similar for our kids.

minipie · 18/01/2019 16:11

Take it
BUT your DH should check, tactfully, that they are keeping enough back to support themselves in old age. It would be a real kicker if you spend it (or rather tie it up in your house) only for them to need it back for care fees. Hopefully they have thought about this but they may be underestimating the potential care costs or how long they may live or overestimating the value they will realise from their house etc.

RelaxedSelfGuiding · 18/01/2019 16:12

I have helped my son through uni and bought him a car. It gave me great pleasure to do so, and he has worked hard to make the most of his time at uni. I don't think he's cheeky or spoilt, I'm just glad I had the opportunity to do these things for him.

I can see your PIL most likely would very much enjoy sharing their wealth with you and your family and that's a lovely thing.

SushiMonster · 18/01/2019 16:14

I would take it if they are nice, normal people and there are no strings attached.

Echobelly · 18/01/2019 16:14

Take it! My DH has never hesitated at accepting a few good sums given me by my grandfather. And good on your ILs spreading some of that Baby Boomer wealth that is denied to most younger people.