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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Return of the awful school gate mum

258 replies

Winterfellwonderland · 18/01/2019 12:45

Not sure if anyone read my previous thread about the women who wants me to be her nanny for free?

Today's encounter:
Frantic phone calls every 5mins from 8am this morning and I ignored them all. Got mine off to nursery, dropped DH off at station and got to the big school on time, this women comes running down the path to the school, face like thunder, the kids run off together and she turns to me, "I've been calling you all morning"
Me: I left my phone at home sorry, are you ok?
"No! Does it bloody look like I'm ok?"
Me: awkward laugh errrr what's wrong?
"My hairs still wet and I couldn't find my coat, im really tired and couldn't bring myself to come out, even thought of calling child in sick"
Me: awwwhh poor you

Yes she genuinely believes it's my responsibility to accommodate her in this way. Don't mind my kids and my own responsibilities, her needs are obviously my priority😬😬😬 she's really arsey and rude to me because I didn't help her!

Sorry I just wanted to vent this x

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 19/01/2019 21:30

Blank look. 'Sorry what has this got to do with me'....

Juells · 19/01/2019 21:32

CFs seem to have some kind of magnet in their brains that attract them to people who are too polite to tell them to get lost. I have a friend like that, every CF within twenty miles seems to gravitate to her, extort huge favours, and not give any thanks because that's all she's there for. Angry An alcoholic neighbour would call on her time and again to be bailed out or rescued or picked up, then when feeling low would phone her up and abuse her with the "You! with your privileged life and your nice children and blah blah blah you bitch you don't know blah blah blah...".

VoteForPedrosLlama · 19/01/2019 21:37

I agree, CF's are able to sniff out nice, kind people and bully them.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/01/2019 21:51

Why are you even entertaining this nutter - her kids her problem??

Weenurse · 19/01/2019 22:03

Good luck

peachdribble · 19/01/2019 22:03

Woolly hats are really good for covering wet hair. Tell her about them next time 😎

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 19/01/2019 22:32

I think it’s time that you approach the head teacher at your child’s school. Let them know that this woman is clearly not coping with her own responsibility to get her child to school. Tell them you are being harassed by this woman who seems under the impression that it is your responsibility to take her children to school for her. Let them know that she is now being aggressive towards you (on school grounds) and that you are genuinely concerned both for her mental health (as she is clearly not coping with motherhood) and her daughter.

If that doesn’t work, then you need to also send a final message

‘I am very sorry for you that you are clearly struggling at the moment. However you seem to be under the impression that it is my responsibility to take over the care of your child. I am not a form of childcare! I am neither a child minder or a nanny. I am merely a parent, taking my own children to school each day. You clearly need childcare, so I suggest you find a childminder or nanny to take care of your children. Your children are YOUR responsibility, NOT mine and you have absolutely no right to be angry at, or aggressive towards me, for not taking your children to school! Which as I have said repeatedly, is YOUR responsibility, NOT MINE!’

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 19/01/2019 23:31

I'm mystified about why you feel you'd need to be rude to her to tell her no?

What's wrong with a big smile and 'I'm so sorry you've had a tough morning. I know how hard it can be to get out of the door. Unfortunately I'm just too busy getting my own kids to school/husband to station etc to help you out in the mornings. I really won't ever be able to help with this so it's best not to waste time calling me. Have you thought about getting a childminder?'

steppemum · 19/01/2019 23:50

I agree with others that you need to be clearer. No need to say Fuck Off, just be firmer. Totally possible to do that in a polite way.

Stop being sympathetic.
So when you said - aww poor you. Instead ask her - what were you calling about then?
When she says she wnated you to take her kids to school, you can say, simply, politely and frimly. I can't do that for you, my mornings are too busy, so no point in calling me.
If you want you can take it one step further and say, why don't you pay a childminder or a nanny?
Or when she talks about hairdryer etc, you can say - yes it is hard to be organised and get out of the door in the morning, but that is one of the challenges of parenting isn't it? We are all trying to do the same. If you are not coping, why don't you call your health visitor/GP.

If she does it on another morning, you can turn the call of, and then text her - too busy to talk, speak to you at school, then turn your phone off. When you see her at school repeat, I am too busy to talk in the mornings.

OneStepMoreFun · 19/01/2019 23:58

Best way ime to get rid of these people is to do the same back to them in full force. tell them all your woes (no true secrets just petty stuff and act poor-me I need your help. They will stop speaking to you instantly.

Deminism · 20/01/2019 00:20

Not rtft but I would actually get school involved. They might add a newsletter note about it being your responsibility to get your child to school etc. I would also say you have a no phones at the breakfast table rule and will probably never get messages am. But also beware of answering withheld numbers in case she tries to test this.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2019 00:31

Just say no you can't do it, it's enough stress getting your own DC to school. Then keep repeating. If she persists, block her number and involve the school (as it is likely there's a MH issue and it may be a safeguarding concern.)

Easy for us to say, when we're not faced with this harassment. Hope this woman gets the message, OP.

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/01/2019 02:41

I read the thread that was linked at the start of this one but can't find what the lady's actual problem is. Is there another thread as well?

josbd · 20/01/2019 03:43

It's bullying in a different format, isn't it?

Well done for standing up to this bombastic and tedious woman.

Please, it may be difficult, but continue to stand up for yourself.

"I do not know what it is you are up to, but please don't tell me. I simply have no interest in you, or your life, whatsoever"

echt · 20/01/2019 03:59

Not rtft but I would actually get school involved

Absolutely not. This is between the OP and the CF.

I think it’s time that you approach the head teacher at your child’s school. Let them know that this woman is clearly not coping with her own responsibility to get her child to school. Tell them you are being harassed by this woman who seems under the impression that it is your responsibility to take her children to school for her. Let them know that she is now being aggressive towards you (on school grounds) and that you are genuinely concerned both for her mental health (as she is clearly not coping with motherhood) and her daughter

Not the school's concern - SS.

squeekums · 20/01/2019 04:18

Id tell the bitch to go jump

I thought a few years back a woman was trying to befriend me, her dd and mine were friends.
No, turns out she just useless and just wanted someone to drop off, pick up her dd cos she too lazy to get off her ass and actually parent her kid. Like i would get a call at 8.45 asking if we can pick her kid up cos she too "tired" or her kid would be standing at pickup waiting, id get a call asking if we could bring her home
Tired was code for too cracked out to function
This is only part of the reason i told her to go jump off a cliff.

squeekums · 20/01/2019 04:22

Echt, i disagree. The mothers ability to even get her kid to school can be a sign of abuse or neglect, a teacher is in a position to be able to get the right people involved and help the child.
Maybe mum is just shit and kid is better off being removed or she genuinely needs help, which the school can help her access
Also if she is being aggressive on school grounds it is actually their concern as they have a duty of care to provide a safe environment for teachers, kids and parents.

PregnantSea · 20/01/2019 04:47

Um... What? She sounds like she actually has something wrong with her. Not to be mean but just stay away from her as much as you can, it's not your problem and she needs to seek help to get herself in order so she can be a proper mum to her kids.

LemonRedwood · 20/01/2019 07:57

a teacher is in a position to be able to get the right people involved

Everyone is in a position to get the right people involved. OP can contact children's services to make a referral. As a primary school safeguarding lead, I know that, sadly, CS will be unlikely to do anything whatsoever if a referral like this came from the school. Advice would probably be for school to have a conversation with CF mum. If a referral comes from a member of the public it is more likely for an assessment to be carried out. And then the case swiftly closed and passed back to the school as an attendance issue.

Notwiththeseknees · 20/01/2019 08:56

Tell her your car needs an MOT and you need to borrow £1000 to get it through. You will pay her back in cups of coffee.

Watch the CF run!

Matilda190 · 20/01/2019 09:16

I think the best thing is to keep her blocked and stay out of her way, she’ll get tired and move on, one hopes. I had a very similar situation with a ‘taker’ of a neighbour and I had enough, and blocked her. I told her to stop bothering me, as I had had enough of her neurotic episodes . She went beserk, called me three times from a different number, threatening me with the most evil of rants, said I was a dead woman. Had to get the police involved which has so far resolved the situation. So, best not antagonise her, just stay away from her, as she sounds very unhinged.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 20/01/2019 11:56

Notwiththeseknees Grin

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 20/01/2019 12:00

I think it’s very important to tell the school! Op’s information may be the final piece of evidence that allows them to secure a referral to SS. Even if there is not enough evidence for the school to refer the family, at least OP’s concern can be noted and the school can be on the lookout for signs of neglect in this child! Particularly if her dc misses school regularly because her DM isn’t coping!

Yulebealrite · 20/01/2019 12:10

I have said NO to a permanent arrangement and listed various reasons.

But she still thinks you are available for emergencies which that day clearly was not

You need to make her understand that she can't call you ever.

BlackCatSleeping · 20/01/2019 12:13

Absolutely no do block her!

She's MN gold!! Grin

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