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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Return of the awful school gate mum

258 replies

Winterfellwonderland · 18/01/2019 12:45

Not sure if anyone read my previous thread about the women who wants me to be her nanny for free?

Today's encounter:
Frantic phone calls every 5mins from 8am this morning and I ignored them all. Got mine off to nursery, dropped DH off at station and got to the big school on time, this women comes running down the path to the school, face like thunder, the kids run off together and she turns to me, "I've been calling you all morning"
Me: I left my phone at home sorry, are you ok?
"No! Does it bloody look like I'm ok?"
Me: awkward laugh errrr what's wrong?
"My hairs still wet and I couldn't find my coat, im really tired and couldn't bring myself to come out, even thought of calling child in sick"
Me: awwwhh poor you

Yes she genuinely believes it's my responsibility to accommodate her in this way. Don't mind my kids and my own responsibilities, her needs are obviously my priority😬😬😬 she's really arsey and rude to me because I didn't help her!

Sorry I just wanted to vent this x

OP posts:
dulcefarniente · 19/01/2019 08:33

If she rings again can you ignore and put call divert on so the rest of the calls go to social services? Obviously take call divert off when school run is over.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/01/2019 10:27

Outstanding post @Sarcelle

Fairenuff · 19/01/2019 10:59

People should try being more assertive. Once you've done it once it's easy.

Beamur · 19/01/2019 11:08

OP I think your tactic of being unavailable is probably the least confrontational way. Ignore all morning calls, she'll eventually work out you're not going to help.

JumpOrBePushed · 19/01/2019 11:10

Assertiveness is something that takes practice though, especially if you’re not used to it.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 19/01/2019 11:21

I agree it’s a bit awkward to just say no. I’d just say “I want to keep to my own arrangements but hope it works out for you” and when she says about this problem or that problem empathise without giving her any solutions or suggestions “oh no that’s a bummer!” “I had a massive headache today too!” “Yes the dark mornings are a pain, bummer we don’t live in the Caribbean!”

scrappydappydoo · 19/01/2019 11:34

sarcellesometimes it’s not that simple - most cf’s I know have the hide of a rhino and they wear you down to the point of not knowing what to do next. I think they take advantage of the fact that most of us try to help out where we can and what starts as a logical thing e.g. lifts to work or help in an emergency e.g. school run. Then suddenly it becomes a regular and expected thing which you don’t remember saying yes too but are stuck in rut trying to dig yourself out with a cf manipulating the situation so you appear to be the bad guy. And yes I think a lot of people have self esteem issues mostly fuelled by cf who bully and manipulate people so it’s an everlasting circle..

Wearywithteens · 19/01/2019 11:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Winterfellwonderland · 19/01/2019 12:10

wearywithteens thanks for that it makes sense. I would like her to stop being so aggressive and rude toward me maybe something like that would get through to her.x

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 19/01/2019 12:53

If I'm honest wearywithteens, that sounds unbelievably passive aggressive and so much more likely to escalate a situation so much more than a simple "No, unfortunately that doesn't work for me" and cheerfully ignoring her hostility.

There are so only so many hours in a day, why give so much time and energy to someone who isn't going to rationally discuss this. Just say no and ignore, no need for the hostile, passive aggressive confrontation.

TedAndLola · 19/01/2019 13:02

I'm not going to tell her to fuck off because that's rude and insensitive which I guess is what she is....

And you wouldn't be able to start a third thread on Mumsnet.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 19/01/2019 13:19

I can't imagine anyone is likely to respond well to the suggestion (serious or not) that they "can't cope" or that they should call social services for help-- even if it's glaringly obvious that they truly aren't coping.

I don't think that it's necessarily a sign of low self-esteem to find saying "no" difficult in these situations. If you've been raised and conditioned your whole life to be polite be considerate be kind and are also naturally conflict-averse it's not easy to just say "no" to an entitled, awkward person who doesn't care/understand that they're asking too much.

I'd probably ignore her as much as possible and only respond when I felt I had no choice.

"Why didn't you answer my thousand calls this morning??! I couldn't find my nose-hair trimmer, OMGGGGGG!!!"

"Ugh, I know what you mean. Mornings are so hectic, sometimes it's all I can do to get the kids to nursery and school on time. Life!"

"But why didn't you answer my calls?!!"

"Oh, I probably didn't even notice, things were so crazy. Besides, I wouldn't have been able to help, anyway. So crazy!"

...And just continue to ignore calls/texts until she gets tired of never getting through to you and finds someone else to pester. And for face-to-face requests, I think I'd have a policy of always being "busy". Eventually she should stop, if only because she'll realize she's wasting her own time.

SauvignonBlanche · 19/01/2019 13:49

Chances are she’ll move on to someone else when she gets nowhere with you.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/01/2019 13:58

Id be total sweetness and light, really smiley.. but..

Her: Ive been calling you all morning...

You: I know. I've been ignoring your calls all morning! smile

Her: But things are so hectic and I needed you to...

You: I don't want to...

You don't have to swear at her or get aggressive, just tell the blunt truth, sweetly and politely. Then IF htat doesnt shock her into shutting up and buggering off, keep repeating those same responses. She will eventually go away!

AppleBlossomArseCheeks · 19/01/2019 13:58

I'm sure she'll find her next babysitter soon, these type of leeches normally do. Keep"busy" she will soon get the message

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2019 14:08

Just delete and block her, and a jobs a goodun. It is so easy, why would you not do this already.

KC225 · 19/01/2019 14:24

You could try offering some tips - tips that she will take offence to most probably. Tell hee one hour in the evening is worth two hours in the morning, so :-

Put shoes, coat, where you can grab then quick in the morning.

No time to do hair then pony tail/dry shampoo or hat we've all done it.

Pack you bag with keys, purse bus pass etc the night before.

It sounds obvious but of she carried out those three things and not having to waste time calling you them she would be on time for school. It's just being a bit more organised.

SeaShelll · 19/01/2019 14:33

@Winterfellwonderland does she have any anxiety or depression issues. Just my thinking is if she’s feeling low and hoping someone else can get her kids to school cuz she’s worried she can’t make it due to how she feels? If she doesn’t then defo just outright say no to her and your reason is, I have my own kids to get to school and be on time. I haven’t got the extra time to grab yours as-well.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 19/01/2019 14:46

I’d front up to it and say I’m not available for lifts, childminding etc. because I have a lot of commitments and have worked out my own busy routine in order to fulfill them all. If she had the cheek to question that I’d just respond with a blank stare and I beg your pardon?
Should she dare question again just stare more and say Life.

Stripyhoglets1 · 19/01/2019 15:13

I'd probably resort to "Why are you being aggressive with me - it's not my job to get your kids to school - you need to do it- please stop asking me".

Michellelovesizzy · 19/01/2019 17:24

OP how do u stay so claim... i would her fuck ur wet hair fuck u look after ur own kids. I am unfair ?

TheCherries · 19/01/2019 17:32

I have read the first page of both of your threads and I wonder if this lady is crying out for help.

There are a lot of CFs in this world but there are also people suffering big time with mental health issues.

I recall back to the years following DC2’s birth. I was in utter hell most days. I had PND and very little support.

I had very limited assistance my desperation would often come across as needy and I lost many friends. I have rebuilt my life after sorting out the right life for me now but at the time I was absolutely crying out for help. I couldn’t function.

Depression literally renders you incapable of putting one foot in front of the other. There were days that my achievement for that whole day was getting the older child to preschool and pick up again and then school in the years later.

I wonder if it might be more sensible instead of ignoring her to try to sign post her to organisations that offer help to people struggling. home start is one such organisation. If you have a children’s centre that is another place that can offer suggestions and help.

Very possible she is just a self entitled CFer but maybe best to check she isn’t in the grips of depression screaming out loud for help.

PopMaster34112 · 19/01/2019 17:41

Tell her to F..k off, she should get the message.

Roussette · 19/01/2019 17:47

Even if she has PND is that an excuse for being rude and aggressive? I never can quite understand MN excusing absolutely everything because of MN issues. You can be suffering but still be polite... a please or a thank you goes a long way but bombarding someone demanding help is rude.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/01/2019 17:48

"I just feel that ignoring her sends a better message... I.e.why didn't you answer my calls..... Err because I'm busy? I am uncomfortable with blatant rudeness I do feel she doesn't seem to cope very well with the logistics of having kids I do think she needs help from.a nanny or childminder."
Well it might send a message to a normal person. But to this type of person, it's just one more reason to feel aggrieved at you and to ramp up her aggression. Seriously, you need to just be honest. 'I can see you feel you need help, but I don't see why you feel entitled to demand I supply that help. You need to go elsewhere for that, I am not going to do it.' Or yes, just plain tell her you are ignoring her calls BECAUSE THEY ARE A PITA. Honesty. Please.