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AIBU?

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Original poster

Return of the awful school gate mum

258 replies

Winterfellwonderland · 18/01/2019 12:45

Not sure if anyone read my previous thread about the women who wants me to be her nanny for free?

Today's encounter:
Frantic phone calls every 5mins from 8am this morning and I ignored them all. Got mine off to nursery, dropped DH off at station and got to the big school on time, this women comes running down the path to the school, face like thunder, the kids run off together and she turns to me, "I've been calling you all morning"
Me: I left my phone at home sorry, are you ok?
"No! Does it bloody look like I'm ok?"
Me: awkward laugh errrr what's wrong?
"My hairs still wet and I couldn't find my coat, im really tired and couldn't bring myself to come out, even thought of calling child in sick"
Me: awwwhh poor you

Yes she genuinely believes it's my responsibility to accommodate her in this way. Don't mind my kids and my own responsibilities, her needs are obviously my priority😬😬😬 she's really arsey and rude to me because I didn't help her!

Sorry I just wanted to vent this x

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 20/01/2019 12:22

I mean do not block her. Not sure what happened there Blush

SummerStrong · 20/01/2019 12:22

It's not always possible to just block someone or tell them to fuck off, not when you have to see them daily and your DC play together.

But, OP, she still sees you as a soft touch and believes you are the solution to her problem, you are going to have to toughen up a bit and meet her 'rudeness' with the same level of 'rudeness' that is all she will understand.

3luckystars · 20/01/2019 12:28

Confident people dont go around confronting people every minute, they do it once.

If you dont want to say anything hurtful, or uncomfortable, just shut up and stand there. Let her say whatever she wants, but do not ever ever ever agree to looking after her child or help her out in any way again. Just let her go on and on until she tires herself out and then walks away.

You dont have to have an argument, just stay quiet and stand up for yourself quietly by just not doing anything for her.
No excuses or making up reasons why, just nod or whatever and be confident in yourself. You are not employed by her.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 20/01/2019 12:56

Exactly, 3lucky. It is not rude or confrontational to tell someone in no uncertain terms that no, you will not or ever comply with their demands. And confident, assertive people are not aggressive, as she says, they only do it once.

CF's believe they are entitled to other people's time, money, skills, etc. It's not just self-absorption but arrogance.

Speculating on their feelings or motivations is as pointless as trying to teach a dog to read.

The CF will never quit because they fundamentally feel the world owes them what they want.

All you can do it keep it simple but clear. 'No. I won't do that,' or in her case, 'I am not available to do the school run for you at any time. Please stop asking.' And then if they do it again, you block them and yes, you can block someone you see every day if they are not in a position of power or love over you

Ellyess · 20/01/2019 18:14

Winterfellwonderland. Totally agree with MrsAriadneOliver . She defo is nuts.

I think we (generally) are a bit too polite in the face of these nutters. I know I am. Maybe she needs a reality check. Like being told she's being crazy to actually think you should take over her responsibilities and for such a flimsy reason like having wet hair! It seems unfair that you are lumbered with her. Can a few of your friends back you up and help out by telling her how unreasonable she's being? Mind you, if this is a psychiatric situation - could be - she won't change but she might leave you alone and pester someone else! I suggest you stop being so nice to her actually. You're obviously a kind person and that's why she's exploiting you. Next time seem a bit uninterested and bored by her and not so sympathetic. Even say you saw she was phoning but you were too busy and left it till you saw her at the gate. Just don't be so kind and accommodating!

Ellyess · 20/01/2019 18:37

I get the kind of person it is but what does CF stand for?

gingeristhenewblack43 · 20/01/2019 18:38

CF = cheeky fucker

Ellyess · 20/01/2019 19:19

gingeristhenewblack43. AAAhhh! Many thanks.

There was me with all the C words.... well, that c word and I did get as far as fucker....
She sounds pretty psychiatric to me. There are a lot around! Narcissism is on the increase and the big sign of that is the attitude of entitlement. Then there's the lack of reciprocation, no empathy, a high and mighty attitude, behaving as if superior, giving orders and being angry when not being "obeyed" instantly... I think the people who said she's a nutter are absolutely right. Being a narcissist does not mean they are not to blame for their behaviour though. They know what they are doing and know they are doing wrong. They just don't care. What happens to other people doesn't bother them. As far as this CF is concerned, the OP is her servant. I would try and avoid her and cut her dead, avoiding interaction with her. She's unreasonable. Don't waste your breath trying to explain things or being kind and reasonable. It won't mean a thing to her. She'll use it against you. Just cut off any relationship with her.

I went through a terrible experience last summer with a neighbour who was behaving totally unreasonably. At first I was trying to explain and be friendly and try and help her understand why what she was saying was wrong etc. Then I realised she was totally unreasonable and that she was in fact quite mad. I was a practising Psychologist but it doesn't mean you remember everything when you are not in the Clinic! However, as the weeks went by and this woman tried a few more evil tricks it was plain that she was one of the Personality Disordered types in the Cluster group with Psychopathy and Narcissism. If you meet one in your every day life the only way is to keep contact at the minimum, preferably no contact at all. They will exploit you to the nth degree and then do as much damage to you as they can. This CF sounds as if she has some of those tendencies. She's certainly prepared to behave in an extreme way and puts her own quite insignificant needs, like wet hair, before anything else, including her children's education. Her anger is another sign. Ditch her. Walk away. Don't talk to her. Whatever you say she will twist or use to make things last longer. Just behave as if she does not exist.

Juells · 20/01/2019 20:13

No excuses or making up reasons why, just nod or whatever and be confident in yourself.

That's important, as CFs love problem-solving, to free you up to do what they want. Grin Just broken record No.

Itsnotme123 · 21/01/2019 07:59

Could you give her a list of phone numbers for nanny agencys ? Then you can say you helped her !

PlumpSyrianHamster · 21/01/2019 08:15

Could you give her a list of phone numbers for nanny agencys ? Then you can say you helped her !

Bad idea because it's assuming her childcare is the OP's problem to sort. A no go with CFers. With CFers you have to firmly tell them 'NO' with no excuses, apologies or suggestions for alternatives.

Conseulabananahammock · 21/01/2019 08:19

Op i feel your pain. There's a mum that does this to me alot. Or she did until i stopped enabling her by replying. Became a standing joke at school that I had adopted an extra kid.
I thought i was being kind. Turns out she was using me and has done it to others.
Took me months before i realised what was going on

Conseulabananahammock · 21/01/2019 08:23

Just read through your posts op. Literally sounds indentical to the one who does it to me Hmm

Beamur · 21/01/2019 08:31

Just keep ignoring the calls, when asked, simply say you were too busy to pick it up. Don't make up any complicated or untrue reasons.
If she presses you for childcare you are going to have to just say no. Not wanting to is reason enough.
Every request or demand is simply going to lead to another.

OffToBedhampton · 21/01/2019 08:54

I don't get PP saying OP should suggest she arranges a childminder - they don't collect from your house, you have to take them to their house.

There was a great suggested text by many PPs on 18/1/2019

I also think strategically never answering your phone to her mornings nor at pick up time, will work too as she'll see you as unreliable (as cover for her)

If "confronted" by her, just reply with a "I don't have time to look at my phone on school runs... too busy getting my own children ready and taking my husband to station.... You're better off getting up earlier, asking your partner to help or asking someone else"

If you ignore text demands, she'll stop. Be wary of answering even one, as that'll just teach her to persist.

Original poster
Winterfellwonderland · 21/01/2019 09:24

Thanks for all your replies on here I'm a bit overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Matilda190 · 21/01/2019 09:53

That is a very helpful message.gingeristhenewblack43

Matilda190 · 21/01/2019 09:55

I meant to praise the message from Ellyess. Great advice.

Holidayshopping · 21/01/2019 09:57

@Winterfellwonderland

Any updates?

How did Friday’s conversation with her end?

OffToBedhampton · 21/01/2019 10:52

@Winterfellwonderland

Awwwww don't be overwhelmed by PPs' kindness to you! Take your time to mull it over. Like you, I can't be rude to school mums, even if they are being overbearing or taking the micky. But saying a version of 'No I don't have time for that, I'm too busy with my own children' isn't rude. It can be said politely but firmly as PPs have suggested.

If it helps, you're effectively retraining her to not contact you, using behaviour modification (look up behavioural psychology). If you reply or help out at all, even occasionally now or leave a request door open, it won't extinguish the unwanted behaviour of calling on you for non emergencies. So you have to consistently be 100% unavailable and say no/not reply. Even replying once (unless No) will prolong it. So there's a science behind PPs saying block her number or at least ignore.

If she had only asked you for help for genuine emergencies & was equally supportive to you, you wouldn't resent it and it'd be a normal mums helping each other out situ, but it is one way and she can't distinguish as "wet hair/ couldn't find my coat" isn't even close to an emergency, it's simply poor parenting & laziness/ lack of planning. That's really not your job to prop up her parenting, it's It's her partner's. She is not entitled to anything from you nor should berate you for having reasonable boundaries! Don't accept 'favours' from her either, as she will.use that to draw you back in.

Ps. Maybe next time she gets aggravated at school hated at you, reply with "I don't like it when you shout at me" and walk away.

RollaCola84 · 21/01/2019 11:08

OffToBedhampton rather than "I don't like it when you shout at me" I'd try "don't shout/raise your voice at me please".

It's a bit more assertive, I've used this in work a few times. I don't like it could be seen as weakness.

Holidayshopping · 21/01/2019 11:19

I would look at her in a bemused way and say, ‘I don’t know why you are angry with me-I am not your childminder!’ and walk off.

Pigwig10 · 21/01/2019 11:58

I think you’re just going to have to be totally blunt with her. “I’m sorry you often find yourself in this predicament, but like you, I have a family to organise every morning too. I am not your PA so please stop calling me and expecting me to jump to attention and assist you at the drop of a hat. I do not appreciate you speaking to me like I have done something wrong when it is you that can’t sort yourself out in the morning.” Leave it at that.

Ellyess · 21/01/2019 12:34

Thanks Matilda190, It helps to know I haven't said something awful or stupid. I always worry in case I might have hurt someone - you never know. I appreciate your comment Smile

svengoren10 · 21/01/2019 12:37

You have my sympathies. I too have one of these at my sons school. She expects me to come back to her house after I've dropped my son up to then take hers in. All while I have 2 toddlers in tow. She's finally, after almost 2 years got the hint that I can't fucking stand her