In-laws visit and going out without baby

[EmiliaAirheart]

We live halfway around the world from my husband’s family. They’ve planned a trip here for three weeks. It’s their first and maybe only trip, as we normally spend our annual leave travelling there to see the whole extended family. We’ve paid for their flights and they’re staying with us. This is both given their financial circumstances and for cultural reasons.

I’ve got a few new muscle issues post c-section, and I’m interested in doing some physio-led exercise classes at my hospital. They’re baby friendly, and free up until 16 weeks postpartum. Obviously this will coincide with the in-laws visit.

In my ideal world, I would go to the classes with my baby, who is ebf. In my husband’s ideal world, I would go to the classes and leave him with the baby. However, I’m not willing to leave the baby for over two hours (allowing for transport and the class). Husband is not willing for in-laws to miss precious hours with baby.

Who is being unreasonable in this situation? And as a secondary question, how long would you want to be away from your 3 month old?

Right now I feel there’s no point dragging them all to the hospital, so the best solution is that I don’t go to the classes during the visit.

If they are with you for 3 weeks it’s unreasonable to expect you and the baby to spend 24/7 with them
I didn’t breast feed so I could/would/did happily leave a 3 month old baby with DH and other close family but you can’t so baby needs to go with you

Go to the classes and take your baby.
Lie if you must say Doctor says you must attend. And health visitor says your breastfed baby may become distressed if they won’t take expressed milk.
I mean how often are the classes anyway once or twice a week? A supermarket shop could take longer are they going to tag along there too?
Stuff your husband stuff your in-laws. Don’t let them push your health to the bottom of your priorities.

Compromise

Take your MIL along to the classes with you. Age can hold the baby at the side while you exercise.

I did something similar for my sister when I visited after her baby was born.

If they're here for three weeks, you can't entirely put your life on hold. Surely they aren't expecting to spend every waking second with the baby?

Go to the classes, take the baby.

Age? She

How often are these classes? Once a week? I don’t think you and the baby being out the house for two hours a week (or even two hours a day for that matter) is a big deal. It leaves the other 22 hours of the day for the in laws to see the baby. Absolutely no need to take them all to the hospital either!

Is your DH always this unsupportive?
Just go to the classes and take the baby.
They can have cuddles the other 22 hours!!!!

Well the classes are not really classes they are medical appointments so you need to go. Your baby is ebf and little so has to go with you.

There is not really a choice in this.

gosh, I would go and leave baby with doting gps and dad and a bottle of expressed milk.

Ignoring the in-law issue, you will get a lot more out of the classes without a baby. Actually unless the classes are baby centric, for the babies benefit, they most likely will be a waste of time with a baby. Just as you get key stage, baby starts crying and the entire exercise, if not tge entire class, is null and void.

At 3 months I would go without the baby and feed before I go - baby will be fine. My baby didn't take a bottle but I did leave her weekly for three hours at that age to go and do something I enjoyed.

However, for three weeks there's no need to always be together, it's a long trip.

^^Agh why must it always be that new mum has to compromise her feelings about leaving her newborn to keep others happy?
If you aren’t comfortable you aren’t comfortable? why is it ok to railroad a post natal woman into making choice between meeting her health needs and leaving her baby before she is ready?

Well at 3 months I was was happy to leave my dc with my DH so I could go out for two hours so I would say just go to the classes. But it sounds like you might be too anxious to do this.

Your husband is being unreasonable. I'm sure the in-laws aren't expecting to spend every single second of the THREE WEEKS they are here with the baby! What if you got stuck in traffic or something and couldn't get back to feed or comfort the baby? Unless they all come and do something nearby, with the baby, while you're at the hospital and you meet up after, that way you'll be close enough to get to baby in an emergency but they'll feel like they've spent enough time with it? That might be a reasonable compromise. But only if there's something interesting to do near the hospital!

Take your baby alone to the hospital. You will probably need the time away as a brea anyway.

It's hard to say how long I would leave baby for but it would depend how long it would make me to get back. If I was only 5 mins away at a friend's house I could stay a few hours as my DP could contact me to come back if baby was unsettled but if I was going somewhere that would take a while to get back (over 15 min) I would take the baby.

You seriously need to go to the classes!

It's 2 hours. What do you think will happen? Is your DH incapable?

Wouldn't bother me but it clearly bothers you so just take baby with you.

Do you all have to be joined at the hip 24/7 while they are staying with you...!? Sounds a bit odd and OTT.

Take your baby with you to the classes. Point out to hubby it will be good alone time for him and his parents.

Yanbu. I couldn't and wouldn't. At that age, especially when ebf/demand feeding, what you want trumps anyone else's demands. It's not as simple as 'just express' for some. My son would take a bottle but include barely express 3oz in 24hrs. Sometimes he'd go 3 hours without a feed, sometimes 30 mins. No way I'd chance that.

If I were visiting someone for three weeks, I'd welcome a few hours without them. Including the baby! If your DH is going to be an arse, is there a cafe in or near the hospital where they can sit with the baby?

I could, not include

splat

Because the mothers health and newborn are not always compatible? What's the point of taking a baby to a physio appointment? It takes a certian amount of time to activily contract your muscles. You can't be up and down catering to a baby while doing it, it won't work. No active contraction, no strenthing. No strengthing, no point in doing it. A complete waste of time and resources. No wonder the NHS is in such dire straits.

What does 'baby friendly' mean? Will baby be strapped in a baby carrier at the side of the room, or in a creche? What happens if baby cries during the session? Will you have to leave the appointment?

I can see two ways of looking at this.

1. Your PIL will be there 3 weeks and staying with you 24/7, so a couple of hours, even if it's every day, will not hurt as there are plenty more hours for them to see their DGC.

1. As baby is now 3 months, you could feed before you left and maybe leave some expressed milk for an emergency. That way you could concentrate on the session without fear of it being interrupted by your baby.

Is this more about separation anxiety, and not wanting to leave the baby with people it is not familar with?

I'd just explain to your husband that you're going, and that if he objects or mentions it again, you'll be forced to explain to his parents in minute detail the symptoms you're experiencing, in order to demonstrate how important the classes are.

I imagine PIL would find it excruciatingly uncomfortable to hear all about their DIL's pelvic floor etc, but if he pushes you to have to explain yourself...

Missing the point entirely, but I'm fascinated as to what culture requires you to pay for PIL's flights?!

I suppose it depends on your baby. All three of my ebf babies would have been absolutely fine being left for 2 hours. Maybe yours wouldn’t though? If baby can go 2 hours between feeds then there is no reason not to leave it with DH except that you don’t want to. Which is how you feel so fair enough but understandable if he is upset by that. It’s a bit insulting.