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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws visit and going out without baby

120 replies

EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 09:25

We live halfway around the world from my husband’s family. They’ve planned a trip here for three weeks. It’s their first and maybe only trip, as we normally spend our annual leave travelling there to see the whole extended family. We’ve paid for their flights and they’re staying with us. This is both given their financial circumstances and for cultural reasons.

I’ve got a few new muscle issues post c-section, and I’m interested in doing some physio-led exercise classes at my hospital. They’re baby friendly, and free up until 16 weeks postpartum. Obviously this will coincide with the in-laws visit.

In my ideal world, I would go to the classes with my baby, who is ebf. In my husband’s ideal world, I would go to the classes and leave him with the baby. However, I’m not willing to leave the baby for over two hours (allowing for transport and the class). Husband is not willing for in-laws to miss precious hours with baby.

Who is being unreasonable in this situation? And as a secondary question, how long would you want to be away from your 3 month old?

Right now I feel there’s no point dragging them all to the hospital, so the best solution is that I don’t go to the classes during the visit.

OP posts:
MRex · 18/01/2019 10:29

And my greedy EBF baby was fine for 2 hours at that age; I fed him to sleep and then went to doctor appointments or out cycling or whatever. When he woke up my DH would play with him until I got back; he rarely used the frozen expressed milk as DS wasn't that hungry so he could just be distracted but it was useful to give us both confidence.

MoreCheeseDear · 18/01/2019 10:30

What do the other class members think about your potentially noisy baby being there? Or are they all new mothers?

MRex · 18/01/2019 10:30

Just saying that to try to reassure you if you decide to try leaving the baby, obviously you know your baby's schedule better than anyone else.

Mousewithascarf · 18/01/2019 10:31

YANBU. It’s not like your ILs are only here for 2 days. They’re around for 3 weeks. Life can’t grind to a total halt for 3 weeks. Take your baby and go to your appointments. Why does your DHs wish for his DPs to spent 24/7 with their grandchild trump your real need to resolve your painful muscles? And again, why does their happiness trump their grandchild’s best interests and contentment?

I totally get your DHs wish that his parents enjoy maximum quality time with their grandchild as they won’t get to see them often, but this is not ok. It’s a few hours and that’s it. Perhaps if your DH wants them to spend maximum time with the baby, he could get them to settle them back to sleep after all the nighttime feeds.

Stinkytoe · 18/01/2019 10:33

A 3 month old baby will be ok with its father for 2 hours a week.

Worsethingshappen · 18/01/2019 10:33

There is nothing about your post that makes you sound anxious or unreasonable to me.
I have 4 children, all EBF, and I wouldn’t leave them to scream for the sake of pleasing someone else. If you don’t want to use a bottle then don’t.
Take baby with you.

Original poster
EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 10:34

More answers!

  • Baby will be 2.5 months at start of visit, 3 months at end.
  • There are lots of cultures where filial loyalty and widespread poverty mean that children (who are doing well financially) have an unwritten duty to help their parents. I don’t have an issue with paying for the flights.
  • It’s not the NHS, so fear not English taxpayers :) Other hemisphere. The classes are such that you’re on a mat, baby is on a mat or in bassinet/car seat next to you.
  • It is absolutely not my style to spend time with family 24/7, even mine... but if that’s their preference, I’ll grin and bear it.
OP posts:
Original poster
EmiliaAirheart · 18/01/2019 10:40

Sorry, I hope I’m not drip feeding but trying to answer people’s questions.

  • MoreCheeseDear, it’s a class exclusively for newly postpartum women.
  • Of the three week visit, half the classes are on days I can’t attend anyway as it’s the in-laws’ arrival, departure or our week travelling.
  • The muscle issues are back and knee pain related, but I imagine the class will focus a bit more on core and pelvic floor work.
OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 18/01/2019 10:40

If you husband is seriously questioning you taking the baby out for just over two hours a couple of times a week then I would have very serious worries about him.

Completely mad. Is he worried about what his parents will think? Or does he think this himself?

If he and his family think you shouldn't go out by yourself with the baby for three weeks then I would be very worried for your mental health over this visit.

Quartz2208 · 18/01/2019 10:41

So its 6 hours in a whole visit

He is being ridiculous. Take your baby to the classes and let them have a couple of hours to themselves

Jessbow · 18/01/2019 10:42

Do you have to do it those 3 weeks?
You say its free upto 16 weeks PP, cant you go and get yourself sorted before they arrive, its not an issue then.

HenweeArcher · 18/01/2019 10:42

I have been leaving my EBF baby for an hour and a half or so at at time with his grandparents or DH since he was about 9 or 10 weeks. We’ve built up to just over 2 hours now (aged 4 months) so I can go to a club run one night per week. He even goes to the crèche at the gym occasionally now, for an hour and a half. He still won’t take a bottle though and I’m not going to force it so we won’t be managing much longer than that for a while yet. Personally, I enjoy having a couple of hours off a few times per week and make sure to get at least an hour of baby-free time pretty much every day. However what suits me and what I am comfortable with have nothing to do with anyone else. If you don’t want to leave your baby (and let’s face it at this stage baby’s GPs are basically strangers) I think that’s completely reasonable and fine. Three weeks is a long time to all live in each other’s pockets anyway.

VioletBedframe · 18/01/2019 10:42

You want to go with your baby and you should do what you want to do. Your DH has his priorities mixed up. You and the baby’s health and needs come first above his or GP’s preferences. Just tell him you and baby are going, not up for discussion. It’s a couple of hours twice a week? Absolutely fine. Spending every single hour of the visit with his parents is too much.

Stinkytoe · 18/01/2019 10:43

You need to take care of yourself OP.

Having a couple of hours away from the baby is a good thing.

Billballbaggins · 18/01/2019 10:46

My DC were both bottle fed and I still wouldn’t have left either for 2hrs at that age. No chance. They’re here for 3 weeks do they expect you and the baby to be glued to them the whole time? Tell them no, you’re going to your appointments with the baby and you’ll see them when you get home on those days. Your husband is being a bit bizzarre. My own family live far from me and when the visit it’s rare so I get it, I do, but when they’re down I will accommodate them as much as possible but I won’t change medical appointments etc.

JaneHare · 18/01/2019 10:49

it’s not the NHS, so fear not English taxpayers

I'd be delighted if it was Smile

CheshireChat · 18/01/2019 10:52

There's no way I could've left DS for 2 hr as he was still cluster feeding and hungry 3 month olds are not really distractable.

What would your DH do if the baby woke up hungry in this situation?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 10:53

Your husband is being a dick.
You need to go to physio. You're EBF baby needs to be with - sorry but the food supply.

If you Il's are going to freak out if you're not all staring at each other 24/7 good luck with that.

I'd book them, tell him and in the day get the baby and go. Is he going to stand in front of his parents and forbid you from leaving?

If so you have waaay bigger issues

Ethel36 · 18/01/2019 11:01

I would go and take the baby with me. You 'll only be a few hours. I'm sure they don't expect to spend every single minute with you!

fusioluxe · 18/01/2019 11:02

What would your DH do if the baby woke up hungry in this situation?

Let him cry because mommy and daddy are more important than his son and his son has to be trained, like him, to obey and be brainwashed into thinking putting your own needs last is a good thing 🙄

NameChange176 · 18/01/2019 11:08

Just offer in-laws the choice, they can come with you (and keep an eye on the baby whilst you’re in the class if baby is ok with them) or they can have some time to themselves/ with just dp.

They may well relish a few hours to explore the area on their own/ relax in peace and quiet/ do something not baby friendly/ nap.

Also you don’t need to make a decision now about all of the sessions, you may find that over the 3 weeks things change, either you get more comfortable leaving baby or you’re all driving each other mad and in-laws desperately want some time alone - I suspect the latter if your dh is expecting you all to spend every hour of every day together!!

splat0 · 18/01/2019 11:11

Knittedjest post natal women and their babies needs are not the reason the nhs is a mess. Some breastfed babies can’t be left, do you suggest their mothers are left without adequate healthcare?

The fact that the op has confirmed the fact the classes are private makes more sense anyway as there are actually very few services to address post natal health.

robinwasntred · 18/01/2019 11:14

Why not wait and see how you feel when they're here? Babies change so rapidly and you might feel ok leaving her for 2 hours in a couple of weeks' time, even if you wouldn't contemplate it now. You might also find that you feel really confident in the way your inlaws are with your baby, or you might not...

If it's just that your inlaws are hoping for some time with just them and the baby, maybe you could leave them for less time while you do other things, even pop out for a coffee by yourself - baby free time can be a lovely thing, but it's not nice to feel pressurised into leaving your baby if you don't want to.

DarlingNikita · 18/01/2019 11:14

I don't know what the issue is, TBH. You're EBF and you have classes to attend. You go to the classes and take the baby. End.

I don't know how many 'precious hours with baby' your H thinks his parents need, but just tell him to give over.

RiverTam · 18/01/2019 11:16

so, in response to your updates, in this instance as you will be missing a number of the classes anyway due to things relating to this visit I would either take the baby with you, or rearrange the classes to before or after their visit so you can do the full compliment.